LifesAdance Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I'm 30, my boyfriend that I lived with and had planned to marry died suddenly in an accident 3 years ago. I've gone through all the writhing in pain, being numb with alcoholism, wallowing in hopelessness, overcoming alcoholism, getting up and picking up the pieces, using my logical and rational thoughts again, feeling hopeful again, being angry at him for "leaving me" everytime things get stressful, the list goes on and on. 3 years is a long time in some sense, yet not long at all from certain perspectives. I have casually dated, had one short-term relationship, and had a few suitors here and there, then... a few months ago: I met and hit it off with a guy that really struck me as someone I wanted to have something really real with (for the first time since I met my late bf) and he began courting me. We have had a great connection and I've really felt invigorated by the way he makes me feel. I have been introduced to his family and friends and just generally enjoyed how things have carried on (I'm trying to paint a clear, concise picture without tedious details for those of you reading) I really like him. Period. He hadn't asked me much in the way of past relationships, so I basically avoided mentioning that my bf had died. Then my car (my late bf's car before it was gifted to me) broke down. My late boyfriend's father and brother offered me assistance (as they have maintained a close family-type relationship with me) so I felt that in order to not come accross as if I were being secretive of my relationship with them, I needed to tell mew guy about deceased guy. So I did. In matter of fact fashion. In a nutshell: "I've never had to explain this to anyone, so I'm not completely sure of how to, but about 3 yrs ago, my boyfriend died in an accident. I don't want to downplay it as if it were no big deal, it was. However it has been 3 years so I am now at a place where I am moving forward. I am still very close with his family as I was when he was alive. I don't want me telling you this to make you uncomfortable, but I didn't want to hide or lie about it either. " He listened and responded very respectfully and didn't seem uncomfortable. Then a few days later, fear of having scared him off surfaced in my insecure mind. We went out and I drank more than I should have. I expressed to him that I don't feel like he reciprocates the affection that he tells me he enjoys receiving from me. I feel "out on a limb" and unsure of his intentions. I regret bringing it up at all, but it welled up inside of me, and bubbled over. I left his house for work upon waking the next morning. He was set to go out of town for a long weekend family reunion the next day. Since then I have received 1 text (in response to me saying I hoped the reunion was going well) and 1 call when he returned with him summing up his reunion weekend asking how my weekend was. That's it. Is that it? Did I "blow it"? I'm feeling sad, and as if I have abandonment issues. I've tried to give myself the benefit of the doubt, as I know I am a changed person. And I have tried to go easy on myself in times of self-doubt and insecure (possibly irrational) thoughts. But I'm afraid that I've pushed the prospect of good, real love away. Link to comment
simplethings Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I cannot empathise completely, but a good friend I was in love with died in an accident five years ago next month. I went through a lot of struggle and finally counselling, which really helped (and may help you?). Every so often I still have debilitating moments of grief but they are few and far between and I have come a long way. I'm sure your boyfriend needs time to process this - he may feel oddly threatened by this other life in your life, who, to him, may now be idealised in some way. The one that eternally got away. I think you should tell him all the things that you say here though when you next meet - that although life had been difficult, you feel invigorated by meeting him etc. This podcast may help you. In it, they talk about a young woman who loses a man she loves - and the boyfriend struggles because he struggles to accept that his girlfriend loved another man removed[/i] Link to comment
greta96 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You didn't blow it at all! I think you are stressing yourself too much about the impact the tragic end of your previous relationship may have on other men, and you do so because it was a very traumatic event for you; but that doesn't mean it will be traumatic on anyone else, they will feel sympathetic, but that's it. I don't see how it could impact any of your future relationships, and if a guy was to bail at the news, then the guy was looking for an out anyway. He was probably really busy at the family reunion, and had things to do upon his return. Just watch his actions from now on, and whatever you do, do not apologize to him for mentioning your past relationship, or keep bringing up your late ex. You told him, he's aware, now continue enjoying your relationship. I do have one question: are you really sure you're ready to date though? Did you go through any kind of grief counselling? I'm saying this because I went through a similar experience, also 3 years ago, oddly enough, but it was my most recent ex, not a current live-in boyfriend. We were just starting to talk again, then he passed in an accident, and it had a huge impact on me, took me a while to get it together. I can only imagine how it feels when it happens to someone you actually are in love with and live with! My heart goes out to you, and I really think grief counselling would be useful, as it's so hard to make amends with what happened all on your own... Since you're so worried about the impact you telling your new guy about the late one would have, it means it still has a big impact on you. The thing is, it is a huge deal to you, to others...it's a sad piece of info but not something they would take to heart too much, unless it was very recent, which it isn't. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Since then I have received 1 text (in response to me saying I hoped the reunion was going well) and 1 call when he returned with him summing up his reunion weekend asking how my weekend was. That's it. How long has it been since his return? Link to comment
LifesAdance Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 To simplethings, I will listen to the podcast when I get home, thank you for that. And to greta, I saw a counselor briefly beginning about 6 months after his death in order to deal with my anxiety and panic without medication. Then I stopped. When it comes to this new guy, I fear that it was my bringing up how I feel kind of stupid for how much I express my feelings for him without him returning anything very deep for me to go off of. I feel like maybe I did that too soon, or the wrong way or something. I started feeling like I like him more than he likes me and began feeling insecure about the hopes of a future with him. I haven't (and I will take your advice, and Won't ever..) apologize to him for disclosing the info of my late bf's death. I also won't harp on it. The main way it disrupts my current potential in relationships with men, is my abandonment fear. I fear (albeit irrationally) that there is always a chance that upon falling in love with someone..they could die. That's hard, and may never ease. And to catfeeder: I left his house Thursday, he left town Friday, I finally texted him (after not having heard from him all night Thurs, all day and night Fri and all day and night Sat) Saturday night saying "Hey how's the reunion going?" To which he replied back Sunday evening "It's going good, last group of ppl just left." Then Monday late afternoon he called to say he had gotten bk that morning. Then late Monday night I texted him to say how the tropical storm was playing out and he replied how it was on his side of town. That's the last contact I received. Nothing at all yesterday. Nothing so far today. I fear I'm getting the ol' "slow fade". It'd be a punch to the gut if so. Link to comment
greta96 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 If he's indeed doing the "slow fade", don't think it's necessarily because of your disclosure, telling him about your ex is just not a good reason for him to lose interest in you, if the interest was there to begin with! If that's what's going on here, it would have happened anyway, with or without your disclosure. You gave it your best shot, messaged him, now it's up to him to contact you. If he doesn't, let him go, trying to stay in contact or ask for an explanation would be pointless. Just don't blame yourself, you really didn't do anything wrong here! Unfortunately many out there are cowards, with fleeting feelings, and in order to avoid confrontation choose to take the easy way out. Link to comment
92151794 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I don't think you blew it maybe he just needed time to process what you told him. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I lost my fiance 5 years ago this coming April. I am no longer painfully grieving, but I am in no way, shape, or form, ready to date. Your insecurities and abandonment issues tell me you are not ready, either. It is wise to not date again until you are emotionally healthy and ready to be a good partner. I know, after almost 5 years, that I can not be a decent partner for anyone, not yet, maybe not ever. I take it day by day, and when I can honestly say I'm ready, I'll try dating again. You should do the same. You are not ready for this yet. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I lost my fiance 5 years ago this coming April. I am no longer painfully grieving, but I am in no way, shape, or form, ready to date. Your insecurities and abandonment issues tell me you are not ready, either. It is wise to not date again until you are emotionally healthy and ready to be a good partner. I know, after almost 5 years, that I can not be a decent partner for anyone, not yet, maybe not ever. I take it day by day, and when I can honestly say I'm ready, I'll try dating again. You should do the same. You are not ready for this yet. That is your timetable for grieving, but not that of the poster's. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timetable, so your experience is your experience only. I do not think anyone has the right to judge when this lady is ready to accept love again, frankly. In addition, it is going off topic. In reply to the OP's question as to whether she blew it, my answer to that is that time will tell. Just chill and wait to see how things develop. chi Link to comment
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