How to deal with being unsure

[Guitarguy_82]

Title pretty much sums it up. I'm awful at making decisions. In this case, there are some big decisions that I am having difficulty with.

 

Basically me and the ex had some serious talks about getting back together. We've been apart for maybe a month or two, and we dated for a year. After the break up we decided to stay friends and for a while it seemed to work.

 

We had always stayed in contact via text and phone calls essentially every day, and had been meeting about once a week for dinner, lunch, etc.

 

Well we started to miss each other a lot and once a week became twice a week, old pet names got thrown back into the mix, and dinners became sleepovers.

 

We fell back into a routine (as if we had still been together), and then she started talking about us getting back together.

 

She was really hinting at the reconciliation the last week or so, but she had been out of town. I told her when she came back we would have a face-to-face conv about it.

 

My feelings were mixed. I love her and care about her, but my gut has been telling me not go go through with it.

 

She's a wonderful girl, absolutely adores me, makes me happy, and is someone I can call my best friend. That being said, I don't have that impulse that is telling me "yes, she's the one you need to be with".

 

This is concerning to me because all signs would seem to indicate that she's someone I should be with...but my gut, again, is telling me that its not right.

 

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday, she came back home, and we had the talk. She told me she wanted to get back together, and I told her (as I stammered through spitting it out) that I wasn't sure. Indeed, I am not sure of what I want, or what I'm doing with my life, or who I want to be with. I told her this, and as you might expect, she was hurt.

 

We were able to enjoy the rest of the night, but things had taken a toll. I broke down and realized that I was essentially pushing her away, again, and this time possibly for good. It became a very emotional night and I think my real weaknesses came out. I was scared.

 

Today we talked again, and both decided that we need some time to let things cool down, think it over, and revisit the topic in a few days. I had also told her this morning that I needed more time to really give it the proper amount of thought and consideration.

 

We both still love each other, and she has said that she still wants to get back together. She understands that I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately (work, family) and when I asked her for more time, she said that she would help me any way that she could.

 

Anyway, I've oversimplified the situation a lot, and left out a few other conversations I've had with other people on this topic...but today is the first day I've gotten a chance to write about it and vent a little.

 

I love this girl, but I still don't know if I want to get back together and move forward, ultimately to what she has been saying she wants (marriage, house, kids...all things that I want as well, but just not right now).

 

I think my question is this: why is it difficult for me to make decisions, especially this one which is so important? Is it my gut telling me that I need to take more time to think? Do I just not love her enough? I'm sure one could easily say: "Well, if you truly loved her, you would just get back together and not have to second guess it".

 

I'd have to agree...

 

My good guy friend (who is a bit older and wiser) told me that being friends with an ex is just not something he could ever do..and I think I'm seeing why. This is the first time (as an adult) I've tried to actually stay friends with an ex and try to have it be a mature relationship but still have some kind of closeness. Maybe I was naive about it. Maybe its just not meant to be. Or maybe I am just not emotionally mature enough to deal with it properly.

 

I really have no clue, and I'm 100% sure about that.

[wilyone 11]

Hi, you sound like a good guy. Don't feel guilty for being unsure about something so important.

 

When we're unsure and our gut says No, it's important to honor that.

 

I would recommend that you guys spend at least 6 weeks apart with no contact. By the end of that period, you should have more clarity. You will not become sure through talking and thinking, etc. You need to truly feel, from the depths of your being, what life is like without her and decide if you want to proceed that way or commit to the relationship and put both feet in.

 

The way you've been acting the past couple weeks (sleeping together with no relationship or commitment) will not satisfy her needs although it's probably okay with you. It is not fair to her. She is doing it to try to get you back but it is unsustainable.

[nuttybuddy]

hi,

you sound like my ex and i was the crazy gf who wanted to get back together. i also wanted to get married or at least get some sort of commitment that we were headed in that direction, but he was unsure. fast forward 6 yrs later, we are both married to different people and are glad for it. don't be afraid to be open to others just because you've known her for so long and you shared so much. trust your gut. timing is also important. she's at a different place than you. but she should not be pressuring you. if she loved you and thinks you're the only one for her, she will wait. but if she can't wait... she should move on. and you need to let her go.

[Willywagtail]

I'm a real believer in listening to ones gut feelings. If you have doubts, don't do it.

 

Of course it's absolutely normal and human to sometimes have doubts. My experience has been, that if those doubts are ignored, they grow larger.

 

Your doubts may well stem from fear - it may be fear of commitment, it may be fear of making the wrong decision, it may be fear of the same situation with the GF, recreating itself.

 

Regardless of the reasons for your fear - you're feeling it. With respect to marriage - you're not feeling it.

 

Also, it may well have nothing to do with maturity. In fact, it could be your maturity telling you to hesitate.

 

Listen to your gut.

[patterned]

Would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? Why should she?

 

See this:

link removed

[Andrina]

If you're not on the same page with relationship goals, it's bound to fail. On paper, she's great. What's missing is that magical something that would make you 100 percent confident. Like your friend, I don't believe in staying friends with an ex. It prevents closure, and the friendship is not meant to last anyway. Unless your future gf is extremely open-minded and free-spirited, she would not accept you chatting and hanging out with an ex. And on her end, if she got a new bf, you'd be put on the back burner and you'd feel hurt.