Making her finish

[chewy21]

Hi all,

 

I've got an ongoing problem in bed, as much as I hate to admit it. My girlfriend and I have great sex, at least on my end. However, the problem is that while it's great for me and I finish with no problem after about 10-15 minutes, she never has, at least not with me.

 

I told her it's my goal to make sex as great for her as it is for me, and she's all for that (obviously). I've read some articles, tried pelvic floor exercises with little to no improvement after about 2 months of practicing. I've tried the age-old "grandma, baseball, roadkill" things to take my mind off how good it feels, but I always end up grossing myself out, almost to the point of stopping altogether, and I don't want sex to be associated with those things anyway. Besides, it doesn't really do anything but distract me while I get closer to finishing, and then when I "shut off that switch", I'm still just as close as I would have been.

 

We don't have a lot of sex, at least not by my experiential standards. We do it once about every 5-7 days, or a little more than once a week.

 

See, I think that's part of my problem. By the time we end up having sex, I'm pretty much dying for it, hence my eagerness to finish and my distaste for nuance. I know that's a fault of mine I could work on, but instead, I'd much rather just have more sex, get more used to her and the way she feels, and be able to take my time with it and do it right.

 

But I said that's part of the problem, in my opinion. The other part is that she's a little different from the other girls I've been with. The only position that feels good for her (as in doesn't hurt) is straight-up missionary, guy on top. So that, and small variations of that (ankles on my shoulders, both legs to one side, my hands under her hips, etc.) is the only position we ever use. We've tried others, with her on top, with me from behind, and they all cause her pain. This is very different for me, and I believe it's part of the problem because I'm used to the little breaks I get when switching positions. I also used to strategically switch positions when I felt myself getting too close.

 

I've never had this kind of problem before, ever. I've always been able to please the women I've been with, even the ones who came into it telling me that I'd never be able to because no one's ever made them finish. I've always been confident in my bedroom skills until now. Could be that I'm getting older, but honestly, I don't feel that much older. My confidence levels are higher than they've ever been, and relative to the past ten years, I'm in pretty good shape physically.

 

I should also mention that I love this woman. This is about way more than sex, because if this was just sex, I'd just "get mine", so to speak, and move on without worrying about it so much. But we have a great relationship with lots of communication and shared interests. This is serious and long-term for me, and I don't want our sex to be on that little mental list of "cons" for her. I'd much rather that be a "pro".

 

Anyone been in a similar situation, with the painful positions? Any tips for convincing her to have more sex with me (aside from making it soemthing she actually *wants* to do, of course)?

 

Feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[ndnd05]

Uhh idk i just think you are obsessing too much about it... I mean is she complaining? Has she ever orgasmed before? Do you "warm her up" before intercourse? Sex should never be painful so that is one red flag that something isn't right. I don't think "convincing" her to have more sex with you is the answer though so I have no tips about that. Idk if the main destiny right now is to make your gf orgasm I'd be concerned about that more than anything...

[SpottiOtti]

Most women don't orgasm through penetration. How are your oral skills? Have you talked to her about what gets her off? Does she masturbate regularly, and if so, what works?

[chewy21]

Most women don't orgasm through penetration. How are your oral skills? Have you talked to her about what gets her off? Does she masturbate regularly, and if so, what works?

 

I know! It's so different for me to be with a woman who isn't responsive to oral or manual stimulation. Even nipples don't really do much for her, just penetration.

 

I'm usually able to go downstairs, do my thing for a while (yes, I have confidence in my oral skills, and I like doing it), get either an early orgasm or close to one, then let her climb on top til she gets tired or I get close. But with her, as I stated in my reply to ndnd05 above, it's sometimes not something she wants. Tonight was an example, I went to go down on her, and she said "I don't think you have to do that tonight, baby. I'm ready." I asked if she was saying that because she didn't enjoy it, and she said it wasn't that, but that it just doesn't do much for her.

 

Trust me, I started to question my skills too, but there's been too many times in the past I've been complimented on it, or produced an orgasm orally from a girl who said it was impossible. So I don't think it's me, as bad as that sounds. I think that just doesn't work for her.

 

We've talked about turn-ons, because she's as invested in this outcome as I am. She says aside from the normal attraction and psychological turn-ons, which are there already, it's just penetration that does it physically for her.

 

She doesn't masturbate, actually. I've asked her if she gets the urge to but just doesn't feel right, and she said no, the urge isn't there. Plus, she says, it's not the same as a penis, so it's just a lot of wasted energy for no results. It makes sense to me if her pleasure is penetration-based rather than more clitoral-based. I feel if she masturbated more, then she might know better what would work, but who am I to say "you must begin masturbating" if she doesn't want to?

 

Thanks for the reply, Spotti. These are good questions, and aspects I meant to address in the OP.

[chewy21]

Uhh idk i just think you are obsessing too much about it... I mean is she complaining? Has she ever orgasmed before? Do you "warm her up" before intercourse? Sex should never be painful so that is one red flag that something isn't right. I don't think "convincing" her to have more sex with you is the answer though so I have no tips about that. Idk if the main destiny right now is to make your gf orgasm I'd be concerned about that more than anything...

 

You could be right about obsessing, but it doesn't feel like it. I've looked up some stuff, tried a few things, nothing too crazy.

 

She's not complaining, but she's not ever eager to do it either. I feel like that would change if it were as enjoyable for her as it is for me, hence the problem.

 

Yes, I always come with the pregame show, but sometimes she actually doesn't want it. I'm confident in my skills orally and with my fingers, and I really enjoy giving oral, but she says it just doesn't do much for her if she's already wet. And trust me, I've thought that maybe she's just being nice and saying she doesn't want it, so I've stayed at it before for a good 15-20 minutes, but no change. In fact, she'll start to get bored. She says it feel good, nothing bad, but that she's just mainly stimulated through penetration and always has been.

 

And yeah, making her orgasm is the main concern, which I think could be achieved if we had more sex instead of waiting until I'm "about to burst". Same thing with food: you savor it when you eat regularly, but when you're really hungry you just shovel it into your mouth as fast as you can. Her orgasm is my main concern, and that's why I'm suggesting more sex.

 

Thanks for your insights. I'll try not to think about it so much, maybe cut back on some subconscious performance anxiety.

[Tinydance]

OK, I read all the comments, and I think in your case it unfortunately sounds like you will need to find some way to last longer. I've actually heard that women don't often come from penetration and I have ony twice, with one same guy. Recently with someone I was dating, I was close to it a few times but the guy would come before me. Also for me to get close it took like 15-20 minutes at least I think. That's just me though...I think if maybe you used some type of desensitisation gel or learnt tantric sex or used some techniques for premature ejaculation (not sure what they are). I'm actually not saying you're a premature ejaculator because 10-15 minutes is fine and if a guy made me come through oral (which I love) or fingering, I wouldn't really mind if intercourse was only that time frame. However if we're talking just intercourse, I would need double that amount of time. I can completely understand why you're finding it difficult though because I think in most cases women enjoy foreplay, oral sex and having sex more often than what you are. I guess your girlfriend just isn't leaving you with many options....

[chewy21]

Yeah, I feel like the onus is on me to last longer as well. I don't see my problem as PE, but it's obviously not lasting long enough for her to get where she needs to be.

 

She's definitely different, sexually, than any other girl I've been with. I like a challenge and all, but I think I might be going about it the wrong way. This isn't something that focus and determination is going to fix. I think I need to be relaxed, not think about it during sex, have sex more often, try new things to spice it up that won't hurt her, and find ways to give myself the breaks I need while not letting her cool down too much.

 

I was thinking about it this morning, and in the past I've usually been against wearing condoms because it takes me forever to finish when I wear one (besides, I always have sex nowadays in a monogamous, committed relationship, so the chance for catching an STD that my partner doesn't already have is non-existent). However, in this instance, a condom might be exactly what we need to get over the hump. I may try this the next few times we get around to it and see how it goes.

 

Thanks for your advice, Tinydance. If nothing else, it helps to have someone with a similar perspective share their thoughts.

[ndnd05]

Yea I'd definitely relax. It might be putting a lot of pressure on her as well. I can't orgasm if I'm trying to hard. But idk i think it is up to your gf. I don't really orgasm fully during sex or oral stimulation, but if I watch porn I can reach a full blown orgasm myself with just stimulation of the clit. I do still significantly enjoy sex and have a very high sex drive with my partners though. Actually until recently is when I found out that I could have mega amazing orgasms by clit stim. I used to think it was kind of boring too in a way well not boring but I wanted to get it on with the real deal.

 

I'm perfectly happy with sex though even if I don't get that full blown orgasm. I still enjoy it a lot. Idk how she feels and if you guys have discussed it

[Miss thing]

Hey, i think I am extreamly similiar to your gf. Im a chick and a guy has never made me orgasm. The fact that she experiences pain worries me and maybe if you use lots of lube that will help. You sound like a really nice guy and she is very lucky that you care so much about making her happy. Also instead of asking for more sex, how about just masturbate more to get it out of your system

[krose95]

I used to be just like your girlfriend.. Every position hurt except missionary and I was never too interested in having sex. But my current boyfriend taught me how to enjoy sex... As a girl I would say it's pretty difficult to orgasm with the guy on top. It's easiest for me to when I'm on top because that penetrates the clit ... You have to be penetrating that in order for her to orgasm otherwise it's pointless. With you on top, you're barely touching it. It shouldn't be hurting her if she's on top, if it does, she has to be nervous.

 

Try making out for a while before jumping into sex. It will help make her want it instead of thinking of if as purely routine and that may be why she's not enjoying any other positions.

 

It usually hurts girls when they aren't wet, so she may not be in the mood. Sometimes running your hands under warm water and touching her helps too, if she has trouble getting wet on her own. I do this when I've already came and start to dry up, while my bf still has a ways to go. It does help.

 

Either way, if she is wet enough, it won't hurt. And sometimes it hurts me too if it's been about a week since I've had se - which you mentioned was the case. Just be very gentle when starting out and she will adjust, but she HAS to be willing to do it. If she keeps thinking about how it's just going to hurt and she is scared, it will hurt and she won't enjoy it.

[chewy21]

Hey, i think I am extreamly similiar to your gf. Im a chick and a guy has never made me orgasm. The fact that she experiences pain worries me and maybe if you use lots of lube that will help. You sound like a really nice guy and she is very lucky that you care so much about making her happy. Also instead of asking for more sex, how about just masturbate more to get it out of your system

 

Masturbation has been the fallback, but we live in a small one-bedroom apartment, and it's difficult for me to find a time and place to do it without being super-obvious about it. We're both big nerds, so she's always in the bedroom on her computer, and if I'm not on mine, then she'll start asking what I'm doing. It doesn't bother me to tell her, but she tends to feel like she's letting me down if she finds out I'm doing it, and honestly, I've found I kind of resent that I have to do that to get it out of my system. I realize sex drives are different, and mine is definitely higher than hers despite me being older, but sex is one of those things that, to me, is a real benefit of having a good relationship and living with that person. This is why I want to make sex something she enjoys as much as I do.

 

We never have a problem with dryness. Once she gets in the mood, penetration is smooth sailing, and I never feel any rubbing or friction. In fact, the longer we go at it, the easier it becomes, because as I said before, she gets close before I can't take it anymore and have to finish.

 

Thanks for the kind words and your insights.

[tattoobunnie]

She will find that she can cum easier through penetration if she does, um, "love herself more". Masturbation is very good for her to figure out what gets her rocking.

 

First, you need to masturbate an hour or so before sex with her. You should be able to last longer. Use your fingers when going down on her at the same time. Use Benzocaine Condoms to last longer.

 

When you are close to cumming, switch positions with her on top. Or something else.

[chewy21]

As I said previously, we've tried sex with her on top and with me from behind. Granted, it wasn't something she wanted at the time, and she still complained that it hurt. But if she doesn't want to do it, and if that's the reason it's hurting her, I don't see anything I can do about that. As you said, she has to be willing, and I'm certainly not going to insist she do something that makes her uncomfortable.

 

I've read a few articles about dyspareunia (literally pain during sex), and as near as I can tell, she might have a retroverted uterus, and I bump it when we have sex in other positions that allow deeper penetration. It also could be that she *thinks* she's ready to go because she's wet, but because there's been so little warm-up time, her lady parts haven't been given enough time to properly expand yet, causing the internal jarring. And if she's dreading this, then that fear will cause her to be tense, and the problem will remain regardless. I've tried extending our warm-up time, but she always warns me that she easily gets bored because that stuff doesn't stimulate her and never has. So it isn't necessarily just nervousness; there could be other factors at play here.

 

As I mentioned in a comment above, lubrication is never a problem, and there have only been a handful of times that we've used artificial lube. My hands stay warm 24/7, and I've always gone very slow at first with her, rather than just plunging the whole length in there from the get-go. Even still, though, I'll feel like I'm going slow sometimes, but she'll still push against me with her legs and tell me to slow down. This doesn't happen often, though, and I always slow down when she asks.

 

Waiting so long between sexual encounters could be another part of why it hurts. But this still begs the question: how do I justify having more sex with her if other positions hurt and sex just isn't as enjoyable for her at the moment?

 

Thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate them.

[reinventmyself]

She doesn't masturbate, not particularly excited about oral, gets bored, only finds one position comfortable.

I may be reading this wrong but she by the way you describe she doesn't seem particularly interested in sex.

 

She has her own responsibility in seeing that she cums. . It's not all on you. I don't think you lasting longer will change anything because if other sorts of stimulation isn't working I am doubting you going twice as long is going to change things.

I think this onus is on her, personally.

[chewy21]

She will find that she can cum easier through penetration if she does, um, "love herself more". Masturbation is very good for her to figure out what gets her rocking.

 

First, you need to masturbate an hour or so before sex with her. You should be able to last longer. Use your fingers when going down on her at the same time. Use Benzocaine Condoms to last longer.

 

When you are close to cumming, switch positions with her on top. Or something else.

 

The condoms are an idea I'm already going to try, regular ones at first, then maybe benzocaine if that doesn't work. I use my fingers when I'm on top (which is always), to no avail. I don't really have the option of masturbating beforehand, because I never know when it's going to be. That also doesn't seem optimal, because we should both be able to get off during sex. That's how it's always been for me: I get her off, I get off afterward, we both go to bed happy.

 

The rest of your points I've addressed in previous comments in this thread. Thanks for your advice.

 

Edit: added quote

[chewy21]

She doesn't masturbate, not particularly excited about oral, gets bored, only finds one position comfortable.

I may be reading this wrong but she by the way you describe she doesn't seem particularly interested in sex.

 

She has her own responsibility in seeing that she cums. . It's not all on you. I don't think you lasting longer will change anything because if other sorts of stimulation isn't working I am doubting you going twice as long is going to change things.

I think this onus is on her, personally.

 

I partially agree with you, and I probably would fully if she hasn't come so close to orgasm so often. I know it's possible, and if I can make myself last just a little longer, I'm sure the problem will be solved. Just looking for help getting there, and people here have been really helpful so far.

 

But thanks for advocating an approach not really discussed yet. I appreciate the alternate perspective.

[reinventmyself]

Has she shared her sexual history with you? Has this been a challenge for her before?

[krose95]

The condoms are an idea I'm already going to try, regular ones at first, then maybe benzocaine if that doesn't work. I use my fingers when I'm on top (which is always), to no avail. I don't really have the option of masturbating beforehand, because I never know when it's going to be. That also doesn't seem optimal, because we should both be able to get off during sex. That's how it's always been for me: I get her off, I get off afterward, we both go to bed happy.

 

The rest of your points I've addressed in previous comments in this thread. Thanks for your advice.

 

Above poster is right, it isn't all on you to get her off. Girls have to mentally think about it and concentrate in order to orgasm. She may be expecting it to just happen.

 

She should see her gyno and see if the inverted uterus thing is true, or if not - then why it is hurting her. If it's not just nervousness and is actual pain, she should see her doctor.

[reinventmyself]

Imagine that you can make yourself cum, alone. .

Yet with a partner you are unable to, so it's either a lack of communication or something in your head that's getting in your way.

 

Problem here is if she doesn't masturbate how is she to communicate what feels right to her partner?

She seems able to tell you what not to do. Is she telling you what she likes?

 

You going the distance isn't the answer. It begins with her.

Add in she has set a lot of limitations for you both in what you can and can not do.

It's no surprise you are struggling.

 

She may not really be in touch with her own body and/or there is something distracting her in the moment.

 

""Girls have to mentally think about it and concentrate in order to orgasm.""

[chewy21]

Has she shared her sexual history with you? Has this been a challenge for her before?

 

She has, but not specifics. She was fairly promiscuous when she was younger, a fact her previous boyfriend used as a constant way of demeaning her, which has made her ashamed and embarrassed about it. I told her that I'm glad she has experience, because she's better at it than she would be otherwise. Experience is a positive thing, and that guy was insecure about his lack thereof.

 

All I know is that she's had somewhere between 15-25 partners, and she's had orgasms before. She says despite her history, she considers herself very "conservative" when it comes to sex. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but what I gather is that she's not super comfortable talking about it (we still do, though), and she tends to be a little prudish (we live on the second floor, and it's hard to see in our balcony, but the blinds have to be closed if she's walking by the door in a t-shirt and panties, and initiating sex makes her feel less than ladylike from what I gather). She's also a little self-conscious about her lady parts, because she's had a few cervical cancer scares. It runs in her family. Last time she had a biopsy done, it resulted in some strange discharge that embarrassed her. This happened before we started having sex, and was actually the reason we waited so long to start (we've been dating since August of last year, been having sex since February of this year).

 

So actually, the more I discuss it, the more I start to wonder if the pain she feels during different positions are manifestations of a psychological cause. Maybe she's so self conscious about having sex any way other than the "proper" way, that it's actually a bit of a turn-off, and causes her to dry up and contract enough to cause pain. I'm not sure, though, because to hear her tell it, that's not something she's ever been comfortable with.

 

Also despite her history, she's very tight. She says this is because the subconsciously does kegels all the time. It feels great, but obviously doesn't help me last much longer.

[reinventmyself]

Depending on your size and the tilt of her uterus certain positions where there is deep penetration can be uncomfortable.

Seeing she has a history of cervical issues, has she seen the dr most recently?

[chewy21]

Depending on your size and the tilt of her uterus certain positions where there is deep penetration can be uncomfortable.

Seeing she has a history of cervical issues, has she seen the dr most recently?

 

Could have sworn I replied to this, but it's not showing up.

 

Yes, she has regular follow ups about every six months. She hasn't been back since we started having sex. But I've asked her to bring it up to her doctor next time she goes in.

 

Could certainly be medical, and I don't mean to come off like I don't think it could be. Just doesn't help me right now if it is, you know? Trying to do my best with what I have in front of me.

[reinventmyself]

Could have sworn I replied to this, but it's not showing up.

 

Yes, she has regular follow ups about every six months. She hasn't been back since we started having sex. But I've asked her to bring it up to her doctor next time she goes in.

 

Could certainly be medical, and I don't mean to come off like I don't think it could be. Just doesn't help me right now if it is, you know? Trying to do my best with what I have in front of me.

 

 

From what you have shared you sound like you've been committed, compassionate and patient. What has she done to help the situation?

It's not just your problem but both of yours.

[chewy21]

From what you have shared you sound like you've been committed, compassionate and patient. What has she done to help the situation?

It's not just your problem but both of yours.

 

She's certainly been patient with the situation. But the thing is, I'm betting she could go without having sex at all and be fine, so that makes it more my problem than hers.

 

Regardless, it doesn't really help either of us to cast blame. Instead of doing that, I'd rather just make sure I'm doing all I can on my end.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

[reinventmyself]

She's certainly been patient with the situation. But the thing is, I'm betting she could go without having sex at all and be fine, so that makes it more my problem than hers.

 

Regardless, it doesn't really help either of us to cast blame. Instead of doing that, I'd rather just make sure I'm doing all I can on my end.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

it makes it both your problem if she is concerned about your needs and impact if has on both of your relationship.

If there is any blame here. .you are the one willing to take all or most of it.

 

It should be equitable. .or better yet, no blame just proactive solutions!

 

Ok .. I am done .. . don't mean to push

 

I wish you and yours the very best!