sidburn Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 What are some things in a previous relationship that you either overlooked or handwaved but later realized were red flags? Some of mine: - codependent relationship with her mother - she and her family dismissing my desire to get healthier and claiming that I in fact needed to fatten up - taking way too much pride in how "selfless" she is, to the point of arrogance and thinking she's better than me - talking about what a great catch she is, which sounded merely confident at the time, but in hindsight was arrogant and entitled - had nothing good whatsoever to say about her exes and claimed that they were "bottom of the barrel" - expected me to say/do things to appease her mother - viewed her father with contempt and resentment, foreshadowing the very high demands and expectations she would have of me as the main male in her life - claimed that she was in the process of losing weight, but always gained it back when she did - rarely put any effort into her appearance, to the point of wearing PJ pants in public regularly - claimed to have an attitude and a temper which was sometimes directed at others, but never me (yet) - had a "stalker" ex who would proposition her for sex through text and IM despite her being taken, and the fact that she would turn him down repeatedly but never just straight out tell him to stop contacting her Link to comment
DepthOfField Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 * When she told how I'm a nice guy and will probably end up pushing me away and fall for someone emotionally unavailable instead. * When she talked non-stop about how much her ex(es) treated her like crap * When she disclosed her mental health issues. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 *the time he read me an article he saved about how a controlling person is best paired with a passive person. *that his wife, 15 years his jr left him because he was controlling *that they didn't have kids `because she was forgetful and he was afraid he couldn't trust her with one' (?) *that the previous relationship ended after she moved in because `she cooked too loud and talked on the phone too loud' (huh) *he bought into something about life in a third dimension and all sorts of random metaphysical things omg. . I am cracking myself up . .what was I thinking?? Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 *Comments about how his parents were thrilled he'd finally gotten a girlfriend. *Him laughing about how shook up his mother was one day of his lack of empathy about people who have bad things happen to them, (but wouldn't tell me exactly what that is.) *The random comment once that most people are gullible and will believe anything if you argue the opposite loudly enough and long enough. (It worked on me, that's for sure.) *His father calling our workplace to complain we were overworking his son--who was an adult man living on his own then BTW. *His changing stories about how he really lost his virginity ending with him admitting he was molested by a babysitter when he was 10. *His constant references to having to "research" others to find out how to act around people. *He once picked up a hammer and mimed hitting me in the head with it over and over out of nowhere. Then laughed when he saw the look on my face and said he was just kidding me. *His comments about other women staring at him and insisting it was true even when it wasn't. An attractive woman had her back to us, never looked at us, and still he insisted she'd been checking him out. When I pointed this fact out I was told I was being jealous and paranoid. *Sniping little criticisms at my family and friends. Her? Wow, she didn't age well did she, said about an aunt who is a former model etc. *Insisting something was a fact and true when hard cold evidence and common sense showed the opposite. *Stories that would change over time and him forgetting he'd said something or claiming he'd told me something he hadn't. *Standing too close to me and invading my personal space when we first knew each other. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 His alcohol consumption wasn't something he should be proud of. Link to comment
greta96 Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 * yelling at his mother from the top of his lungs * a history of moving in quickly with girlfriends then leaving them as soon as he had a new one aligned * he flirted with me for months, yet never asked me out despite the fact that I had made it clear I was interested * dated a stripper * was in jail for drug possession * his mother told me "I hope he won't hurt you like he did all his exes" I didn't recognize any of these in hindsight, I knew they were red flags from the beginning, yet I chose to ignore them Link to comment
Moontiger Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Being 30 with a good education but only working part-time retail. Constantly complaining about his life, but doing nothing to change it. Being 30 and NEVER cooking. Being 30 and buying a skateboard Turing down a full-time job with benefits and potentional for promotion because he "wouldn't like that job." Link to comment
Clinton Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Another huge red flag, New England Patriots fan. I mean those people are sub human and can't be trusted. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Another huge red flag, New England Patriots fan. I mean those people are sub human and can't be trusted. Amen brother Link to comment
FirstIn Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 * friends with a male friend (who she saw rarely but communicated on Facebook semi often), but always made excuses why I couldn't meet him (said I meet him soon but it never ever happened) * Never made me a priority - I was only a priority if nothing else was on, friends didn't have something on, work didn't ask her to fill in etc. * She never really got to know my friends and she never cared (she never knew the classic high school tales) * She never wanted me to get to know her friends - some I never met in the 4 years we dated - she didn't want me at friends birthdays, weddings.... * She yelled at me in public on a few occasions * She didn't believe in couples having arguments - they don't according to her (interestingly her parents sleep in separate beds) * She told many little lies - she lied for the oddest reasons about seemingly pointless things (things I wouldn't have even be mad about) - I would find out that she lied weeks or months later and I could never figure it out why she just didn't tell me something so basic and every day * She gaslighted (tied to the lying above) * She became vain - constantly obsessed with her appearance to the point of insanity - had to have all the brand name items even if it costed 2 months wages or meant we couldn't go on a better holiday * Her friends were vain - constant taking of selfies every single day 10 times a day, sometimes in innapropriate places and times - and she just couldn't see what was wrong with people who need the attention of others. * wasn't there for me when I needed it (she didn't want to know if I was having a bad day) * never game me compliments * terrible, absolutely terrible with money - almost sent me broke * stopped caring about my day, or even telling me about her day * she wouldn't communicate, or tell me her plans (I always seemed to find out after the fact) - i.e. we weren't a team The odd thing is I feel so guilty for typing the things out above. That saying bad things about her is being disloyal to all the other elements and the little things she did for me and the beautiful way she loved me. I know she loved me very much and always tried her best and I would have stayed with her had she not broken up with me- I saw her as lovely human being that was trying to improve on her faults over time (she also had depression) - in the end, she just said the above was who she was and she wasn't prepared to change and wanted to no longer have the burden of trying to work on the above. I still miss her but time has made me realise i want and deserve a partner who is open, honest, respectful, communicative, a makes me a priority in her life (not the only priority, but a priority), and thinks I'm amazing. Link to comment
mandeelove Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Disappearing at like 6 pm every night and saying he fell asleep. Link to comment
chicky_101 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 - Punching holes in walls, destroying some of his things out of anger (quick to anger) - Coming from a very dysfunctional family who are all bordering verbally abusive to each other when stressed - He had difficulty putting me as a priority, preferred to engage in his passions than spend time with me - He was 24 and unable to cook - He told many white lies to avoid conflict - I was always the one to initiate/plan social gatherings - We had different interests in various aspects of our lives, and differing priorities (for example, he preferred to buy 'man toys' while I prefer to gain experiences) - He wouldn't cook, clean or do any other tasks of that sort without me asking him to do so - He relied on his family to help bail him out financially when he'd splurge more money than what he could afford - Once he got comfortable in the relationship he let himself go, stopped wanting to exercise with me and gained 50+ lbs Link to comment
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