Questionable date - should I text?

[DaisyHope]

So after a great first date where he said at the end lets do it again soon, and then messaged me later that evening saying it too.... to a date where it ended 'see you soon' and no message in the evening............ BUT this date was fairly impromtu and we had originally organised a date in two weeks time to meet, so he may well just genuinely mean 'see you soon'......

 

I don't know whether to message him or leave it. I'm worried I was slightly quiet on this date, it sounds silly but I was really nervous this time around. We've been in touch loads and I felt like my chat didn't live up to the messages recently plus felt really shy because he's so good looking, smart, talented and I guess my insecurities from my break up about 5 months ago are making me question myself and whether what men say is actually what they mean.

 

Should I message him thanking him for the date, or do I just leave it. He's been the one to initiate all contact so far, because I've got my guard up massively... I wish I felt chilled enough to just say what will be will be but i feel like every little thing is a potential let down, like his 'see you soon' but he could genuinely have meant that, because we do have a date in the diary to see each other soon.

 

Talk about over analysing hey!!

[LondonMacleod]

You could text him. Make it short and sweet. "Had a great time. Looking forward to seeing you again." If he has always initiated before he may be sitting at home hoping you make the first move this time. He may be hoping you show the interest he has been showing. Guys get insecure about those things too. We analyze things too mush sometimes ourselves. I say text him.

[MaryLaine]

I think that because it's been him who initiated the contact so far that he might be feeling a little insecure. I say text him, a simple "Hey, what's up?" or something of the sort.

[DaisyHope]

turns out my gut instinct was right, thats the positive i'll take from this. As he text saying it wasn't working for him.

Genuinely don't know what i did wrong. i know some people just aren't right but doesn't help general lack of confidence that my ex killed 5ish months ago when he ended it too.

not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough.... i'm giving up!! yes being back out there shows me that there are other guys out there but if they're just going to lay the groundworks for more rejection and hurt i don't want to do it.

[chickadeedee]

>>Genuinely don't know what i did wrong.

 

You probably did nothing 'wrong'. Early dating is about getting to know each other to see whether there's a real attraction or not.

 

But if you have this attitude: 'not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough.... i'm giving up!!' then before you even try to date you need to get some therapy to get your attitude adjusted back to a healther perspective.

 

All of us have had breakups (and some really difficult ones) but if you're letting it color your whole world and attitude towards life, then you do need to get some counseling to put things into perspective.

 

Your whole value and self worth should not be about what some guy (and any one guy) thinks about you. You need to learn to be resilient and how to deal with rejection, which all of us deal with all the time. Dating is a numbers game and you have to get out and meet a lot of people and date a lot of people before you find the right person, someone who feels the same way about you that you do about him. And there WILL be rejection along the way.. that is just how it works, and you need to learn skills to deal with that. You don't get every job your apply for, and you don't get every man you date either.

[fifregister]

turns out my gut instinct was right, thats the positive i'll take from this. As he text saying it wasn't working for him.

Genuinely don't know what i did wrong. i know some people just aren't right but doesn't help general lack of confidence that my ex killed 5ish months ago when he ended it too.

not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough.... i'm giving up!! yes being back out there shows me that there are other guys out there but if they're just going to lay the groundworks for more rejection and hurt i don't want to do it.

 

I think gut instinct is OFTEN right. Who else will tell us the truth except ourselves? Being a dater over the years has honed my senses to a point that I can almost write out their level of interest in 1/100th of a percentage point.

 

If your ex erased all your confidence, the best thing wouldn't be to go on dates where your fragile ego is put to the test time and time again. I subject myself to it because I've grown thick skin over the years, BUT I STILL freak out once in awhile. You have to get yourself to a place where people's reactions will disappoint but not cut to your very core.

 

It's just a fact that 99% of the people you meet or date WON'T be the one. You have to manage your expectations. I'm sorry it's disappointing. I know how it feels to have a great first date/first few dates suddenly vanish.

 

When you date, you have to know whether you trust YOURSELF enough to put up with disappointment, not whether you can trust someone else enough not to let you down.

 

Hugs.

[Hollyj]

It won't work with everyone. I know it can be hard on the ego, but remember, you have not been in sync with everyone you have met. It takes time.

 

It sounds like you could do with a little more time off, until you can recover from the break up. Others will not validate you, you have to do that on your own. If you're not in a good place, people can pick up on that. Many times it is the creeps who will take advantage; luckily this guy was not one of them.

 

You're not ready to date!

[DaisyHope]

I think you're right it's too soon to date, problem is it took a lot for me to date this guy anyway - and when I did, I felt like perhaps there was someone out there better than my ex, and perhaps he is, I'll just never know because he didn't want to pursue it with me. I wish I knew how to deal with the rejection better... I guess the fact that as I get older it gets harder, especially when it's the guys telling me that they want to settle down and then they end up which fundamentally means they don't want to settle down with you. Much as you'd like to say it just wasn't meant to be, when more people say that then not it's not easy not to take it personally. Especially given that my ex just blamed doubts and this guy after a few dates said the spark wasn't there... i swear its like the guys are turning in to how women used to be, expecting some hollywood THIS IS IT flashing neon sign........ what happened to being friends first, taking things slow and seeing how it goes. Also these guys albeit different as my ex was a proper relationship this was just a date, but they seem like normal guys, and yes they're allowed not to want to be with me, of course.... but when they're the ones driving the relationship, pushing things forward, acting eager and then BOOM as soon as you start to believe, thinking it could be something - NO NO!! END!! I want to deal with rejection better - it seems it's all I'll ever face, and yes that sounds super negative but it's hard as I say when you've been round the block a gazzilion times and you trust what people say and how they act, not to feel let down and hurt and down right defeated!! I wish I weren't about to say this, but this recent set back just makes me miss my ex too!! If we were together this hurt wouldn't be here.............. and no that's not me putting everything on to men, it just the point I wouldn't have been broken hearted by ex, and then go out and date and then get all confused and hurt again.

[Hollyj]

How long were you with the ex?

[DaisyHope]

around a year... i know i know... not long in the grand scheme of things...

[Hollyj]

Why are you putting so much of your self worth into men? Why do you seek validation in this way?

 

You will not attract a good partner, until you get yourself in a better place.

 

Please seek counseling so that you can deal with your self esteem issues.

[fifregister]

But surely you've rejected people on dates as well? People say whatever they want to say, and sometimes they even mean it...but they can also change their mind.

 

It's just a minor road block. Take a break until you're ready to date again.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that you should take a break from dating. On the journey to a relationship, there will be a lot of "wrong fits." The key is not to put your self-worth into the process. Therapy can help you with not doing this.

 

Also, I try to consider it a first meet versus a first date. You are just meeting up to see if something is there to continue. If not, move on with no hard feelings.

[ParisPaulette]

Message him to thank him for the date. Back and forth communication works very well in letting the other party know you're interested and he may be having fears that you aren't that into him. This will alleviate any anxiety on his part and you can both proceed forward from there. And if he doesn't answer you back then you have your answer there too.

[Fixee]

Sorry... I know it sucks to feel a great connection on a first date and then have them pull out.

 

Although I defer to the more experienced people here (eg, fifregister), I purposely avoid impromptu meet-ups in the early stages of dating. The same excitement isn't there as you had for the first date, and he may have been riding a high after that only to feel kind of "blah" for the 2nd one. I would say keep them exciting and special for the first several dates if you want to maximize your chances.

 

Of course, it sounds like this opportunity is over, but there will be another. Go ahead and feel sad for awhile about this... you're entitled. But then get back up and dust yourself off. You can't base your self-worth on how men view you... therein lies ruin. Make a list of why you're awesome. Pin it to the bathroom mirror. Read it every time you pass by.