Not sure what to think or do...

[ButterflyWrists]

Hey all.. This is my first time using this section of the forum in my 9 years of being a member here..

Anyway, Thursday I went on a date with this guy, really lovely guy genuine nice guy.. I like him, we have great chemestry. BUT - he's only just 2 weeks ago moved out of the house he shared with his ex, not sure when they broke up. They work together, although he's leaving that employment at the end of this month.

 

Anyway, Second date went really well also, and yesterday he met one of my friends.. We've had fun and while we haven't made plans for another date (I said we'll have to arrange something once he gets settled back into routine as he works in a school - I also don't want to be a rebound)..

 

So, I'm not really sure what to do or think. I am worried I am just a rebound. He was with his ex for 7 years, and 3 months before he got with her, he'd been in a 5 year long relationship - so I'm worried he may just want to date around? His OLD profile says he's looking for a relationship, but I'm worried that he's just looking for a distraction

What to do?

[missmarple]

First of all, you need to know when he broke up with his ex. The fact that they shared a house doesn't mean they were together up until the last day. Maybe, for a while, it had just been a living arrangement until he could find another place.

If, indeed, they broke up when he moved out, I would probably stop dating him. 7 years is a long time to get over so fast.

[Batya33]

I would see him again but take things at a slower pace and keep meeting other people as well.

[ButterflyWrists]

He found out she was cheating on him in November I think I'm not sure.. I should find out when they broke up might give me a clearer picture..

[Batya33]

I don't think it will -people get over things at different rates. I would think differently if they were married or had a child together. I wouldn't question him right now - you've only had 2 dates and right now there is no next date until you plan one.

[ButterflyWrists]

I just don't want to get too invested emotionally, only for him to decide he isn't ready to move forward from his ex etc.. We have a great chemistry and similar interests etc..

I guess it's something I will have to wait and see.

[Batya33]

Then don't - go on dates and have a good time getting to know him. Choose not to get invested emotionally yet and make sure you are out there meeting new people so you're not so focused on this near-stranger.

[chickadeedee]

Yes, continue to date but take your time with him. If he knows she cheated since back in Nov., he may well have done his grieving over the relationship and not really want her because he knows she's a cheater. Many people emotionally and mentally separate from the ex long before they actually leave/move out, and may live together because of leases/mortgages, financial reasons, or other entanglements that make it difficult to leave for a while..

 

I knew I wanted out of my marriage for a long while before we actually broke up and moved out (a couple years) so by the time we actually separated, I was well over him and knew 100% I didn't want to be with him and the marriage was over (my ex-husband has 'issues' but I didn't finally bounce him until I discovered real evidence of cheating, but that was the nail in the coffin, and we split up within a few months of that discovery).

 

It would be different if she just dumped him a couple weeks ago out of the blue and he still wanted her.

 

btw, the best way to handle this is to not become his 'insta-wife.' Don't rush things and instantly start living in his pocket all the time, staying at his house or yours every night, acting like his long term partner or wife. Go on regular dates where you see him a few times a week, but keep your own place and your own space so you don't let yourself get too enmeshed with him too soon. And don't agree to move in with him until you REALLY know him and have a commitment like getting engaged. Most of the people i know who get really hurt in these scenarios just leap in with both feet and become a 'surrogate wife' from the beginning and don't give the relationship time to develop naturally (and slowly), then the guy sits up and realized he just jumped from one serious relationship to another without really thinking about things and then wants out. So if you take it slow and are honest with him about not wanting to be a rebound or a substitute wife and wanting to take your time, you have a better chance of the relationship lasting and also of not getting into too deep too soo before you know whether he is really ready for a serious relationship or not yet.

[ButterflyWrists]

Luckily we live around an hour apart so the whole jumping in too quick won't happen. Although we've seen each other three days in a row, Thursday Friday and Saturday, end of both of our holidays back to reality now of work etc.. I work shifts so we won't have the chance to see each other TOO much, a couple of times a week I think

I'm not interested in being an instawife I have my own life to live and he has his own to live, I'm not anywhere near ready to integrate a life until I know where the dating/relationship would be going.

[chickadeedee]

That's great then! Just have fun with it then and see where it goes!

[alli]

Someone said that people heal at different rates and I completely agree with that. You might not be concerned at all if they were living apart for the past 6 months but some people still wouldn't be over their ex by then. Other people check out of a relationship long before it ends & are pretty much over it right away. I think usually the one that decides to end the relationship gets over it much faster than the one being dumped. Considering his previous history of serial monogamy I wouldn't worry a whole awful lot about being a rebound.

 

I would just continue enjoying the time you spend together while maintaining your own lives and if things are still going well after some time start talking about what it is that you both want.

[ButterflyWrists]

Thanks Alli, I'll try and keep all this in mind. I am enjoying chatting with him and spending time with him. We have a few things sort of planned, like more motorbike rides and summer solstice etc.. I guess I'll see how things go

[Sportster2005]

That's a tough call. Many people rebound. But some people seem to be able to jump from relationship to relationship. Taking it slow will mitigate a lot of the risk.

[Batya33]

Right now there is no need to think about anything. You have no next date planned. Until you have a time and place planned just consider that you had fun on the dates and liking someone again and if he calls in the future to ask you out on a date- time and place -you can think about whether you want to go.