lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 My ex bf broke up with me 7 days before our wedding...and i want him back so bad... So here is my story...me and my ex were in serious relationship for 5 years. Knowing each other for more than 8 years (we have always been each other's favorite). In the first year of a relationship, we were long distance ...accross the continent. But he made it possible and prove it to me that he is serious. He flew to see me every months! For a bit more than a year. (12 hours flight) After that he moved to be with me in my country for 3 more years. And he wanted to move back to be in his country, and asked me to move back there with him. He moved there for about 7 months and flew here to see me once in my bd. We couldn't stand being away from each other for long. I was impatient also and pressure him a lot to find a job and be secure so i can move there fast. And it seems like his job is not as good as he thought. And thing went quite frustrate in the last month before in intend to get married and move. Our relationship was really great i would say. He is a really nice guy and we are loyal and honest to each other. We share the same passion. He respect and close to my family and so do i. The fight that we always get in to are always from my side sometimes because i was too needy and long distance in our last year make it more difficult. So 7 days before the wedding (this wedding is actually not really what we both want. It's more cultural and legal for me to be able to move there with him). He flew to pick me up and instead of that broke up with me. I was devastated ... Crying everyday for almost 3 months now. He said he care for me a lot and told me he was not happy with himself because he feel like he lose his dignity of not be able to take care of me. He feel like he wants to focus with himself now. And i think he think our relationship has holding him back somehow...career wise. I am in a better position than him and he said he does not want me to leave everything behind in the end. We are in a very difficult situation now. But i still believe if we both try it could work. The problem is he stop trying and break everything. I tried to convince him to try again for a month and he would not want it. He keep saying all the excuse that we have no future together but still care about me a lot and he is in a very bad situation and feel pain also. I decided to let him be with himself for a while and go NC for almost 6 weeks. He broke it texting me asking how i am while he was traveling. He accepted to me again that his job is not good and he gain weight...life is stress he said. It seems like he does not think of coming back at all but focusing on himself. I feel hurt a lot because in a way i want to be there for him and i want to see him happy. It is so hard to let him go. I will go to his country for a bit next month. At first we said we will meet up for dinner. But i ended up sending him a long letter asking telling him i want to wait for him...he went quiet. I told him he does not have to answer. I don't know if it ruins the chance of meeting him. I want him back so much ... What should i do in this situation? So many people are rooting for us to get back together. Even he did this. Because we never had any major problems ... And he is trustworthy. Some people tell me even his friends and family that he will regret this someday... But i am not sure about that. He is stubborn also. I feel like there's no going back. He told me to not cut ties ... And he said he can't cut me of his life. Because i am very important to him. This make it so hard for me ... Knowing somehow that he is in a bad place but he won't let me be there for him. He said also that he still love me...but maybe he does not love me enough to fight anymore... For now it's almost impossible for me to move on. I can't stop crying thinking about our good memories. What should i do? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You need to cut ties. You don't want to be his therapist and help him move on to another girl. NC!!!!! No visits, no contact, no nothing. You're making it worse for yourself. He said he wants to alone. You need to hear him! What is this about the job? What type of job does he want? I don't understand why he was unable to get a decent job in 5 years, and blame you for his failures? Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I know i cannot be his therapist... I am in a very bad situation myself because he put me through. He asked me to move to be with him in his country and i have prepared for 7 months to learn language and prepare for the move. How can i not angry and hate him for this. Could it be just a freak out kind of reaction? He has been moving and travelling to see me in the past 5 years and never focus on his career i feel like. He did not say it. But he said he need to go through this and get the dignity back on his own. He said he need to find inner peace. I know that he has been having issue with himself for sometimes ... But never thought he would push me away. I don't understand myself of not moving on from this... I wanted to but big part of me wanting to be with him again so bad. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 He choose to do the traveling and put his career on hold. Not You!!! It is unfair to blame you. What he did was cowardly and terrible: seven days before the wedding. If you hate him for all of this, then cut contact. It will be better for you. Doesn't sound like he takes responsibility and throws things on others. What is his career? Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I am a dentist in asia and he asked me to move to europe where i have no license... It put big pressure for him somehow. He only work with travel office, where he thought he would earn more before he asked me to ho. Ended up he failed, and he did not tell me early enough. I failed in supporting him and was not nice in the last month of our relationship also. I was frustrated and demanding...coz i felt like leaving my job to start all over again. But now i realized that i want to be with him and have a family...not a luxurious life i have here. It's not helping anything now. we failed in communication coz we also were in long distance going through this. We loved each other truly. I still believe. But it maybe too late now, seems like. I really wish i still have a chance. He was a great guy (with an issue lol). I don't hate him at all instead feel sorry for him bcoz i am in a better place somehow. (Career wise) But my heart is all broken now...seems impossible to be healed. I hope i don't turn into the woman who can't move on years down the road. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 The issues you faced ---- giving up financial security (yourself), being dependent on him financially if you moved, having to marry to be in his country and work, him NOT having a secure financial outlook ----- these are all HUGE and any one of them could have been a deal breaker by itself. I think that in letting go, and rebuilding a life WHERE you live and not a long distance relationship will allow you to heal faster and realize that you should not have to sacrifice so much for "love". Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I know it is ... There used to be a solution for this. His dad wants to invest money for us to open the business together here in my country. But we decided to move to europe instead because of a better quality of life there. I know it is stupid to hope but he could have change his mind bcoz the job there is not fulfilling as he thought. We have so many issues but still it is so so hard to move on. Many people even his friends and his dad said he will regret this someday but they don't want me to wait. I am so desperate i just sent him the long letter telling him i want to wait and see. I know somehow that he still love me but he can't handle the responsibility. He said he scared that i will hate someday that he took everything from me when i move there. (Good job, friends and family) Do you guys think just love is really not enough? Any chance he will come back? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Most of the time, love isn't enough. You want a man that can handle responsibility. This is not that man. And if he needs daddy to prop him up, he will never become that man. He won't come back. Why? Because he isn't willing to admit he just can't handle it. Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I can't help but even feel sorry for the man i love. That he failed. I was the one who understand his issue with family, job and his insecurity and now he pushed me away. Even telling me he is still stressed. I felt so bad when he accept that because as a man it is hard to accept that his life is now. I want him to be happy not like this. If he pushed me away then he should be more happy, right? If he think i am holding him back for his happiness. I wish he come to realize that it's not me, it's not a relationship but it's himself. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think its ridiculous for you to move. YOU HAVE THE CAREER!!! He should have moved to your country. He can do his job anywhere.. He sounds like a big baby that has been propped up by the family. I guess that either you or his dad would end up supporting him. UGH! No. Love is not enough. Hon, you need to get your head out of the clouds. he needs to grow up! You really need to go back and look at the big picture. I think you will finally recognize many red flags that you chose to ignore. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I can't help but even feel sorry for the man i love. That he failed. I was the one who understand his issue with family, job and his insecurity and now he pushed me away. Even telling me he is still stressed. I felt so bad when he accept that because as a man it is hard to accept that his life is now. I want him to be happy not like this. If he pushed me away then he should be more happy, right? If he think i am holding him back for his happiness. I wish he come to realize that it's not me, it's not a relationship but it's himself. That's his choice. You're not his mother. People have to help themselves. That sympathy would soon turn to disappointment, embarrassment and anger. How would you raise a family and support them? Are you ready to take on that role in the family, as he is incapable of growing up. You dodged a bullet. Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 It is just so hard to accept. I never thought this issue is big at all. Stupid me. We have never struggle financially before. And when it comes to it...we break so easy. We didn't even start yet. We have so many good memories together and compatible in many small ways. I really hope i can love someone again as much as i love him. Hope it won't take years...i am turning 31 now, the clock is ticking lol Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It's a problem for him. You were the scapegoat. Who paid for things? Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 That's his choice. You're not his mother. People have to help themselves. That sympathy would soon turn to disappointment, embarrassment and anger. How would you raise a family and support them? Are you ready to take on that role in the family, as he is incapable of growing up. You dodged a bullet. Do you think this can be a wake up call for him and for me to grow up? And we learn from this mistake and work on it together... I was so immature to rush into the whole thing also. I wouldn't listen to anyone who told me it is the stupid idea to move. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 He doesn't want to grow up. I think YOU need to take this as a wake up call and find someone who shares your goals and values. Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 He paid for everything. (Wedding and compensation). I have to say he was really an honest man. Always take care of me as much as he can. Never take advantage of me. I think we really rush into things as he just started his career for 3 months and he is very stress. There are so many things in one time for us. Letting go is so hard. I try to focus on positive things in my life now. Hope i can make it through... Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Is this a pattern for him? What do u mean? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I would really question why you would sacrifice a career for someone that does not have anything going on in his life. Why didn't you value you and your career more? I think we need to accept people for who they are, not who we want them to be. This is who he is. You two are not moving in the same direction. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 What do u mean? What did he do for money before this. How did he support himself . Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 He doesn't want to grow up. I think YOU need to take this as a wake up call and find someone who shares your goals and values. Yes i think i really need to be careful on choosing my life partner... We were so young at a time you know. He has been around since 8 years. I thought people will change if they really want to. But maybe they won't after all. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 One thing you need to do is stop talking as a "we" because while you were a couple, you were both individuals too. And individually, he is the one who called it off and couldn't handle it when the time came to having you permanently in his life. It sounds like he is just grasping for straws about why he broke up. Truth of the matter is he probably liked having the long distance relationship, because that isn't a full commitment--i.e. you get the perks and everything, but you do not have to wake up day-to-day and share a full life with someone. And when it came time for that he freaked out and couldn't do. That is his issue. It is not yours. And honestly, although I know you feel like you knew him by being long distance you missed a lot of basic, key information about him as a person, as an individual, as how he handles problems in life and people around him. The wrong time to learn all that is after you're married or just move in together. You never really got to see him in that day to day, so of course you only ever saw the best of him since that's all he'd likely show to you. And you do both yourself and him a huge disservice by remaining in touch. It keeps you in a sort of limbo instead of truly healing and it lets him use you as an emotional stopgap until the day he finds someone else after weaning himself away from you bit by bit. Someone who breaks an engagement 7 days before the wedding is a pretty messed up individual in my books and he needs to do some serious growing up before he's even remotely capable of something as serious as marriage. Also the whole career thing is another huge red flag. He cries about all he gave up, but you were the one who was going to have to move to a completely different country and give up your career. He was there all along and could have worked and could have advanced. That he chose not to and is now placing that blame on you again speaks to emotional immaturity. He will assign blame to others for his own actions. My suspicion is he didn't and probably still doesn't really want a career, it's just one more "reason" he throws out there as to why he's breaking up with you. I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's time to rally your friends and family around you, let him go, and tell him if he wants a future chance it will be on your terms and he will need to be the one to move. After he's had some therapy and chosen to grow up. And in the meantime you aren't waiting for him and if he shows up too late then that's too bad. He chose a set of actions, he needs to accept the consequences. You hovering in the background while he continues to waffle and make you the bad guy will not get him back with you at all, and frankly I know you don't want to hear it, but this is not the guy you want to get back with. Seriously, he's a child tied to Daddy, and that's something he chooses instead of being a grown man with a pair. You deserve better, so much better. Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Thank you for your advice. I really really appreciate it. I really in an upper hand in the situation somehow people say. I really need to let go ... One thing we lived together for a bit more than 3 years and he moved there before me just so he can "prepare" and get a decent job. And he works before also before moving to do master degree here instead of doing it in his country so we can he together. Omg so complicated lol 8 years memories are so so difficult to erase... Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You don't have to erase the memories ---- you just need to look forward instead of back. Link to comment
lightinlantern Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Maybe i am lucky that this happen right before the wedding, not after like you said. Link to comment
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