hopefulandhurt Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 My ex and I broke up 6 months ago after dating 7 years. we had a really great relationship and were together from 15-23. he broke up with me because he felt like we both needed to experience other people before we could know for sure if we wanted to end up together. i know everyone on here advocates strict nc but i believe every situation is different and that didnt feel right for me. we haven't spoken a lot over the past 6 months but we definitely have had a couple conversations. the most recent one was yesterday when i wanted to touch base about things and he told me that he still feels like we haven't had enough time apart, isn't sure what the future holds, etc. at this point i just want to feel done with putting my life on hold. i feel great in all other areas of my life. im doing very well at work, have the best friends, am happy with my appearance, and have been finding other ways to make me happy but i know i have put dating on hold because i had in the back of my mind a lot of hope and a feeling that this is temporary and he will be back. after our conversation yesterday, i have decided i want to move on. wasting time and pretending this is temporary isn't healthy. i wrote him a really powerful and emotional closure letter summing up how i felt about our relationship, telling him i accept the breakup, wish him the best, but now want to put it behind me for good. im hesitant to send this letter because it scares me to close the door after we've agreed numerous times to keep open and honest communication and have left the door to reconcile in the future wide open. but i feel like it needs to be done. does anyone have opinions on actually sending a closure letter? is this a good or bad idea? Link to comment
Clinton Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Write it, read it and then rip it up. Don't send it. It never has the desired effect. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I agree with Clinton. Plus it can be very therapeutic writing it all down, but don't what ever u do, send it Link to comment
hopefulandhurt Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 thanks for the replies. it felt very therapeutic to write down but i wont send it. it seems odd leaving things off open ended but i guess it is what it is. Link to comment
Denguin Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Closure is something that a lot of us chase. Reality of it is the other person can never give it to you; you have to find it within yourself to accept things for what they are and move on. Say you sent the letter and he never replied. You'd always be wondering what he thought about it. Maybe he read it and cried his eyes out but didn't want to tell you; or maybe he folded it up into a paper frog and flung it in the trash. You see? All you'll be left with is looking for more closure. If you ask me, he sounds like he's using the "not sure about us" card as a way to let you down easily. He's got GIGS, and hasn't had the chance to see for himself if the grass is greener on the other side OR has seen that (at least, for now) the grass is in fact greener. Regardless, holding onto hope is futile at this stage since it's completely out of your control. I question your motives for the letter. Are you truly ready to move on? Or are you just trying to invoke some sort of reaction in him? I want you to dig deep inside of you for this one. Honestly, if it's TRULY a way to completely shut the door on the idea of you two for good, then I don't really see the harm in sending it. Of course, you must understand that sending it probably means you won't contact each other for the foreseeable future. Could you handle him being completely out of your life? Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 write it down, but you don't need to send it. closure comes from within. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think there are times when a closure letter then NC is the way to go. I've done it. I found it actually helped as long as I kept it simple and didn't let it dissolve into self-pity or angry accusations. And I don't call it so much as a closure letter as an NC letter of the "don't contact me again, I do not want you in my life" letter. It's a way to shut the door and keep it shut. Closure itself, as I've stated until everyone on this forum is sick of it, was really originally NOT about ending a relationship. It was a psychological exercise to let go of someone who had died, who you never got to say good bye to, whose death haunts. An ex might disappear on you, but come on that's not death. You know exactly what's going on and why--they choose to not have a relationship with you, because they don't want a relationship with you. Period. end of story. Whatever their reasoning may be. There's no "I never got to say goodbye and they died" with a relationship, so there really isn't such a thing as closure in a relationship. Or actually I take that back--there is--it's closure the moment one of you says, "I know longer want to be a part of two people together." Anyways, a letter with a simple, "I cannot be a part of your life or accept a demotion to friend only where I had more before. I need to heal and that's why I won't be responding or contact with you. Goodbye," is a way to state your reasons plainly for why you don't want to be their emotional crutch after a breakup until they are weaned off of you and found someone else. Just understand the response you may get back won't necessarily be the one you want or hope for if you are hoping such a letter will bring them running to you. NC or closure letters work best when they really are just that--you are shutting the door, want it known, and have no intentions of ever looking back or responding once the letter has left your hands. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Does anyone have an opinion on closure letters? Yes, write it and burn it in a little closure ritual. Or, write it, hide it for a month or two, then break it out, read it to yourself, cringe a lot and thank yourself with hugs and kisses that you never sent that thang. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 thanks for the replies. it felt very therapeutic to write down but i wont send it. it seems odd leaving things off open ended but i guess it is what it is. no matter how you end it things will always seem open ended, you have to find your own closure. That takes time. keep writting letters every time you feel the urge to talk to him, then dont send it, that always helps Link to comment
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