Trying to figure out if I permanently destroyed my relationship

[Cheetarah]

Ok, the Norman Bates reference has been made. Lay off him. Perhaps he uses it that way as a means of creating some emotional distance(given how it sounds more formal).

 

Chris, I give you credit for putting this stuff out here. I think it is brave, and I respect that. And I hope you do not allow anyone to feed into your shame or that you are some kind of a hydra. You're not. There's a lot of people in this world who have/are experiencing what you did/are. But they don't talk about it because of the stigma. Not vaguely, let alone in more detail. You've nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think you are courageous for talking about it. Yes, you have problems and no one gets to go through life completely unscathed. Some are more complex than others.

 

I find it unfortunate that there is not more awareness of covert incest. I'm not saying I know much about it, I really don't. But I know it's real, it happens to many people, and they walk around with a heavy weight of shame and confusion on their shoulders.

[christwowheels]

I appreciate your kind words, Cheetarah. And yes, there is a reason I use the term "Mother" to describe my female parent and it doesn't have to do with homicidal tendencies. I mean wow, if everyone who used the term "Mother" was a serial killer, there would be a lot more murders and missing persons, don't you think? People really need to stop blowing pop culture references out of proportion. I remember in the mid-90s that every time somebody was running, some clown would yell "Run, Forrest, Run." It gets old...

 

I call her Mother because that's a term I have used for years to express my irritation with her. When I was younger I often called her ma'am or said yes ma'am or yes'm, the last one being something I picked up from a movie with a black servant. Okay, yes, I pick up things from movies too, but I had to Google who Norman Bates was because I don't watch movies much.

 

Okay, what's my point and why did I bother to return to this thread? Oh yes. So I just gave a 16-year-old girl the advice that she might have to continue to lie to her parents because she is dating and they forbade dating. That reminds me about how any little fun I had when I was a kid tended to require me to lie to Mother. For example, I was a "latchkey" kid during 8th grade and was "supposed" to come straight home after school. But school let out at 2pm (and I had to get there at like 7:30am which was horrible because I'm not a morning person and never have been) while she was at work until 6. Not surprisingly, I used that time to explore the city and often didn't get home until shortly before she did. I would lie all the time about coming straight home.

 

Over the years, lying became too normal, and that's probably part of why I lied to my GF (see the beginning of this thread). You grow up having to lie all the time and then you forget that it really is a big deal and that it's as bad as it is. So what do you do? Well, you have to stay in therapy and keep learning about ways to have healthier relationships and hoping that you can erase as much of the damage your upbringing caused as possible.

 

I should also add that I am feeling a bit better about things after some reading and relaxation this weekend. It occurs to me that my gf really does want to fix this and doesn't want us to break up, she just doesn't know how to get past it yet and needs to find the tools. I mean she's not super-indecisive or anything and if she wanted to end it, she would have by now. So I think it's one of these things where we can get through it but that it's a reminder that while things seemed "perfect" when it all began last spring, reality has set in and that we need to see the obstacles to us being together for the big issues they are and that while they can be worked through, they'll require work. The fortunate thing is that having seen that, each day we both wake up and choose to keep trying...and I guess that's what any real LTR is about...taking it day by day, each morning deciding to keep at it and stay with your partner.

 

And catfeeder, I thought it was included in the original outline of the issue, but my gf found out I had been lying in December of last year.

 

Petite, I really don't have time to respond to your lengthy post right now so I won't.

[Unreasonable]

Sorry, I'm not trying to attack on you the "Mother" thing, just raise awareness of the issue when you are interacting with other people IRL. In public, no one is going to say that to your face. But the movie has been around for a long time and very famous, and the currently running show is very popular right now. It's very specific to "Mother" and not "my mother." Again, sorry if you took offense. I don't think you're deranged or a bad person.

[petite]

Of course you have time to respond (you just spent time writing about another thread in which you ENCOURAGE someone to lie...), if you actually wanted to. It's so ironic when people say stuff like that because if you actually want help, if you want to make changes then avoiding or not addressing things people say that aren't all peachy would be of more benefit than those that simply agree with you and only care about the surface.

The moment someone tries to imply your girlfriend isn't a saint you bounce. That's very telling and makes me think maybe you just aren't ready to see the truth.

 

Lets hope your girlfriend is as dedicated to you and defensive of you as you are of her...somehow sadly I doubt it, as her avoidance of your calls is very telling. Hopefully you won't end up losing everything for nothing.