Stuck and out of ideas

[2ndbest]

Ho all.

 

Here's the scenario.

You're married, your spouse shows you no real interest unless you complain about it and you feel unloved. To top it off you can't stop thinking about an ex. You don't keep in contact with this ex, you know you'd compromise your marriage and family if you attempted to make contact with an ex, but you feel lousy and down all the time and can't stop thinking about them. You ruined your life, you're a bad parent for even thinking these things. You shouldn't be married but you stay for the kids and lately the only option you can see is to end your own miserable existence on this god forsaken planet. Maybe that will sort everything out. Maybe that will stop the pain. But even that is selfish because your child doesn't deserve for their parent to go like that. You're a waste of space and you hate yourself. Oh yeah and you've put on weight too.

What do you (what do I) do?

[mhowe]

Marriage counseling.

Suicide would be incredibly selfish and your ex is not the solution.

[alli]

You sound like you are experiencing depression. Depression can occur due to physical changes in your body as well as the environment, and it is typically some combination of the two. I urge you to see your physician to determine if you would be a candidate for an antidepressant medication and a referral to a counselor, which can help you work through both your feelings and the problems in your marriage. I hope you do this. There is no reason for you to suffer when you don't have to.

 

Contacting your ex will only throw a wrench into this chaos. It's really not a good idea.

 

I hope things get better for you.

[Seraphim]

There is divorce. Don't model a crappy marriage for your kids . That has MUCH worse and longer lasting consequences than divorce does.

[Willywagtail]

Not marital counselling. Speak to someone on your own. You need to sort out your own options.

 

There are options - there always are. It's just that you need to speak to someone in order to understand what they are.

 

The thoughts of your ex and suicide are because you can't see a way forward. Your mind doesn't know how to go about finding a solution, so it focusses on what it knows. Speak to someone, get counselling.

 

Divorce is not the worst thing in the world, if it comes to it. You can still be a good father and a great ex husband.

[2ndbest]

Thank you all. I failed to mention I am on medication for anxiety and depression. Its just gotten worse due to my stale marriage. And yes I am struggling to see a way forward, probably because I'm looking for a way out. But I Also don't want a way out through fear of breaking hearts and breaking up my family. Maybe I should just put up with it. I dunno.

[Seraphim]

No, you should not put up with it. Your kids KNOW you are not happy. Unhappy parents= unhappy kids. Plus you are teaching them marriage is a horrible experience just to be endured. Are you sure you want them to have that view?

[toby17]

I'd get a therapist, stop wallowing, and stop acting like you have no options.

 

You're depressed and you're not happy in your marriage.

 

Start working on being happy and improving yourself.

 

So your husband isn't interested... forget about him. Your job is to love yourself and look after your kids.

[Tanzi]

It wouldn't stop the pain though would it? Consider your children's pain and those closest to you.

 

If you are having problems within your marriage ... and especially if your spouse is showing you no interest ... then that is probably the reason why you are thinking about an ex. it is a form of escapism. You see this ex as your Knight in Shining Armour ... sooooo, I would stop being so hard on yourself and understand that it is as a result of the state of your marriage. Tackle that and the rest will eventually fall into place.

 

So, you still have your marriage issues to sort out and unless you do you will likely stay in this emotion cycle.

 

Have you spoken to your husband? I don't mean by telling him you feel unloved. I mean by telling him how serious you feel the state of your marriage is and how you think about divorced? Counselling is, of course, your first step but you husband needs to be in agreement and he needs to WANT to work on the marriage also.

 

If he doesn't or if counselling doesn't help ... then there IS always divorce. I know it feels like a wrench and a huge step but staying for the sake of the kids shouldn't really be an option. If you and your husband are this miserable that you have thought about suicide then your children could be seriously damaged by this over time. Often, for the sake of any children involved, divorce is the best option.

 

So, in answer to YOUR question ... you should speak to your husband with the aim of seeking counselling together. If that failed then I think you should give seriousl consideration to divorce. I am divorced and, to be honest, despite the fact that my ex-husband left me and it was extremely painful at the time, I can now see how much happier we all are now that we are no longer together. My girls are benefiting from having two happy and mentally healthy parents (and households) instead of growing up surrounded by the hostility and bitterness of one unhappy one.

 

It won't be easy to start off with but everything has a way of falling into a workable pace.

 

AS for putting on weight ... well you can tackle that when you are in an emotionally stronger place.

 

You can turn this around but you have to be prepared to DO something.

[2ndbest]

Just to clarify, I am a guy and this is my wife I'm referring to. But thank you for your advice. I think you're right. I need to seek counselling and stop looking for the easy way out. I am just in a bad place right now and can't see the wood for the trees. So I guess it's time I and got a some more help. Thank you all