Thought I was better but...

[Snow93]

I'm about two months after breaking up with my serial cheating ex. For the most part I had been doing okay but recently I've felt really low about everything all over again.

 

I keep having feelings of overwhelming loneliness now. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my ex but I know she's probably already found someone else and if she hasn't she'll be out there hooking up with other people while I'm just lonely and bitter about how things ended. It's so hard to come home to an empty house now after living together. My days are taken up with work or studying. That's fine because it keeps me busy but neither gives much in terms of alleviating the feeling of loneliness and a lot of the time I feel my thoughts drifting to the breakup.

 

I don't feel like I know what I want from my future anymore. I'm graduating this summer and I don't know what there is to look forward to anymore after it. At least before I had the comfort of knowing that no matter what happened, we'd have each other for comfort. Now things just feel uncertain and kind of hopeless; it still feels "wrong" to think that we don't have a future together. I work part time as well so I'm filling my days just now but I'm kind of scared of how to fill in the next "main thing" in my life when I graduate, planning the rest of my life with her was kind of the next big thing and now there's nothing. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to have clear paths set out for themselves afterwards; I know I only have myself to blame for relying on a relationship to be my focus for the future but now I feel like it's making it harder than ever to heal.

 

People around me like my friends kind of assume I'm over it. I don't bother talking to them about it because I know it bores them and at this point I think they would wonder why I'd bring it up again. I can't help but feel isolated from them, especially because they're all in relationships as well.

 

On a side note/ question- when we last spoke she asked me to send a couple of her things (a gift I got her and a couple books) she left at my house. She lives overseas now so she can't do it herself. I still haven't sent them. The gift was sentimental to us both and it's possible customs will reject it. I don't want to risk it being lost or destroyed. She said she wants it because it reminds her of me but I don't really want to send it; if I meant that much to her she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. That was about 6 weeks ago and she hasn't asked again. I don't know what to do about it?

 

I'm sorry that my post doesn't have much structure. It's kind of just a mash of all the things that have been nagging at me the past few weeks. Any advice or support is, as always, greatly appreciated (:

[kbbcoop77]

Break ups suck...we all know that, especially if we got dumped (I did after 24 years)

So she's a serial cheater huh? Then you dodged a bullet. Would you really want to marry and have kids with someone who you always had to wonder where she's at and who she's seeing? Of course not...your getting ready to graduate, that's awesome. Now concentrate on that and your future and get a great job and eventually some gal will fall in your lap when you least expect it. There's billions of them out there.

 

As far as the books don't send them to her. If she cheated your just better off without her and one day you'll see it. Keep the books and your focus on school and career. It takes time to get over someone and it happens slowly but it does happen.

[jjkk]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Two months isn't very long and healing from break ups take time. It's normal to have ups and downs. Times when you feel much better and like you're well on your way to moving on and then times of despair again when you feel like you're stuck in the pain. I think it's part of the process.

 

The good news is you still have lots to look forward to! You're graduating soon and have your whole life ahead of you! It's exciting! No, it's not a future with her as you planned but you still have a future and you have the means to be successful. To me the "main thing" once you graduate is to find work in your chosen field. It's a new adventure. Yes, it's scary and can be stressful but it's a positive thing in one's life. You can make a clear path for yourself. It takes time to accept that she isn't part of that but acceptance of that will come in time.

 

As far as the gift, I see no reason to send it and I see no reason to explain why. As for the books...well unless they're antiques or there's something extra special about them (autographed by the author, etc.) they can also be replaced for cheap. No need to send those either, imo.

 

You'll make it through. Keep your chin up and know this will pass. Hugs!

[Willywagtail]

2 months is hardly any time at all. You're dealing with grief, sadness, betrayal, anger and resentment.

 

It's not much consolation, but it's part of the process. Of course you're going to feel lonely! Of course youre going to wonder what the future is going to bring - you'd envisaged a future with her, so now thats all gone!

 

Dont beat yourself up, we all focus on our relationships and feel like sh*t when they break up. And don't imagine that other people's lives are so much better than yours (even hers). You don't know that for certain, and its a useless exercise anyway this comparison.

 

Keeping yourself busy is great. Try and tell the people you're close to how you feel. People DO understand, and people can be very kind if you tell them you're sad and in need.

[chattychica]

I personally think that her asking you to send the books and gift was a plea for attention of sorts, a way to reach out to you and test the waters a bit I would say. I feel that way because I have been dumped before and tried to come back and I do little things like that just to get the contact established and things like that.

 

As for life, I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I promise it's hard for everyone that goes through these things. The grieving process is too long. always. But I think it's normal that you're still grieving after two months. You two lived together for Pete's sake!

 

And trust me, as a former cheater, she misses you just as much as you miss her. The guys probably aren't flocking like they used to, and even if they are, she's probably ignoring them because none of them have the connection that you and her had, and they can't fill that hole that is there.

 

I agree with kbb, you don't want a serial cheater. Some people change (like me) after a while of realizing what they have lost, though.

 

Keep your head up. Write in a journal to get it out since you no longer want to burden your friends. Acknowledge your feelings but don't let yourself drown in them like I have. Haha... a do as I say, not as I do situation. I hope it all gets better soon. Much love for you coming from my way!

[Hollyj]

Why are you concerned about the stuff! She betrayed you multiple times.

 

I say, throw them in the garbage. Stop catering to her. No more doormat behavior!

[ParisPaulette]

The fact is healing from a breakup, any kind of healing for that matter, does not happen in a linear fashion but rather like waves that move you up and down. It's just the waves get smoother over time, the highs and lows blend together and you eventually find yourself over it all and moved on when you least expect it. It'll just be a sort of "What do you know" ah-hah moment.

 

And you're probably feeling crappy, because you had recent contact with her. Although I think it's personally galling that she demands you mail her something you got for her when you thought she wasn't a cheating betrayer. To that end I think I'd just ignore it and block and delete her. Toss the stuff or sell it if the gift was expensive. There's a point and a time where someone should know they have zero right to demand anything from someone they betrayed.

 

Or send her a text and state, "Great, send me a prepaid envelope and I'll put the stuff in there, but I've spent all I'm spending on you. Including time, you have X number of days and then I'm tossing this stuff out/giving it to Goodwill. After that we are done for good, buh-bye."

[toby17]

If I were you, I'd get help for the depression and I'd go NC (including online NC) so you can stop comparing your live to hers.

 

And I wouldn't send her the gift until you're good and ready. You're allowed to be selfish.

[Snow93]

Thanks for all your replies everyone. They really do help. Also glad that the consensus is not to send them. Even if it isn't really contact it feels like it would be opening up a channel to her that should just stay closed. Again, the advice really helps so thank you all.