(DISCUSSION) Proper Approach to an Ex's "Rebound"/Best Way To Reconcile

[Tanzi]

I'm sorry but if someone is truly done with a relationship then they are truly done with and you don't have any "sway". In fact, if all they want to do is to move on they don't want to keep up contact with you, you will be the least likely person to have any "sway".

 

Your mindset is just another way of convincing yourself that someone who ends a relationship can't truly be done with you .... even when they are in a new relationship.

 

The definition of a rebound is a person with whom you enter into a relationship to mask over the pain you are feeling from a previous break-up. Generally speaking, dumpers aren't in any pain (or certainly not in the same sense as a dumpee) and the reason they enter into new relationships quickly is because they are more than ready to explore other avenues.

[cavsguy]

Every situation is different. Respectfully, you are speaking as if all situations are completely bleak and hopeless. Ultimately, it is up to the dumper what to do but in every situation in which someone is dumped, there are different ways to approach it.

 

I'm not hoping and praying for reconciliation like you may think. I had a phenomenal 4.5 year relationship with a loving girl. At the end of the day, I'm happy with myself and her. In my case, for example, I let her know how much the relationship meant to me and that no matter what happens down the line, I respect her decision. Do I love that she rebounded? Hell no.

 

But I accept it and I move on with my situation and will continue to improve ME. There are so many ways to move on and not all of them have to include NC.

 

Going back to the "sway" thing. If someone has loved you before, at all and I mean real genuine love, you will definitely have sway at some point. Not the get back together away that you may think I am addressing, but an opinion that will definitely effect what they may think in the future. Everything in life is about timing. That's my point here.

[Tanzi]

I MHowe, I agree with what you are saying in everything else though. But when someone is actively involved with someone for almost 5 years with future life talks going on (my case), there eventually will be a realization of loss. I'm not saying its going to always be emptiness, but the loss has to happen in their mind for it fully to take effect. Sometimes I feel like people break up with their SO and go out exploring knowing damn well that their former SO is still right there. There is no fear of loss or emptiness because it has not truly hit them yet. That is why time is so important. Every break up is different, but from what I have seen on here, you have a very one sided approach to break ups and that is NC nearly 100% of the time.

 

When my ex-husband decided he wanted to walk out on our 13 year marriage, he didn't look back ... and neither did I after six months. I could have hung on, trying to sway him but it would have been a fruitless effort.

 

It is very wrong to assume that someone is going to be hit by a loss. If they want to be by themselves or with someone else then they may be 100% happy with their decision abd therefore don't feel a sense of loss. They could be enjoying their new found freedom or feel completely fulfilled in their new relationship.

 

Also, generally speaking, by the time someone stumbles accross ENA, their relationship, as it were, has gone beyond crisis point and is at the point of no return which is why NC is so strongly advocated at that point.

[mhowe]

ENA as Neverneverland...love it!

[BrokenGator]

That appears intuitively obvious. If you don't learn, you don't grow.

Absolutely! Unfortunately I've learned that most people don't learn.

[cavsguy]

Well, I guess I'm going to learn the hard way then. I will continue to push forward in NIC and improve myself and my life everyday. At the end of this, I may not feel like I want her anymore. But for the time being (1.5 months after the end of my relationship) I genuinely feel like I do. I have made great improvements in my life that can not be seen through a text box. I appreciate all of your advice.

[mhowe]

Absolutely! Unfortunately I've learned that most people don't learn.

 

Mostly people do learn. And grow. Otherwise the planet would be populated with people who act like 18-20,year olds.

[BrokenGator]

Mostly people do learn. And grow. Otherwise the planet would be populated with people who act like 18-20,year olds.

I have a friend of mine that had been living with his girlfriend for like 8 years. Last year she was pushing very hard for marriage. They ended up getting married about six months ago... then filling for divorce two months ago because she wants her "freedom" back. Nothing has changed after the wedding besides a signed piece of paper. People are just strange.

[mhowe]

That is AN example and not indicative of the population at large.

[BrokenGator]

That is AN example and not indicative of the population at large.

Yes I realize that and thankfully that is the case otherwise I would have lost complete faith in humanity! Haha

[chickadeedee]

I think there are a lot of assumptions the OP is making that are not based on the reality of how relationships play out. There is an uncoupling process that research confirms that dumpers follow, where they are usually discontented for a long time before they actually leave a relationship. So at some point in the relationship they become discontented for any number of reasons, and they may try for a while, but eventually they go underground and make the decision that rather than working on fixing the discontentment, they might be better off to leave the relationship than try to fix it.

 

So they are still in the relationship and going thru the motions as if everything were fine, but they are exploring new ideas, new people, new hobbies, and investigating how they will feel if they leave and whether they have a soft spot to land when they exit the relationship. So they are trying on for size the idea of leaving a long time before they actually leave. And they do their adjustment to leaving and feelings of loss etc. while actually in the relationship. So they are going thru the motions, but for everything they may like, they will have other things that are driving the discontentment, until one day the balance is tipped and they get the courage to leave. Meanwhile you may see signs of that discontentment in them, or you may not. But the reality is they have cut the vast majority of the bonds they feel for you before they even leave, and when they feel ready to step out of the relationship, they do, and usually without much sense of loss but more of freedom.

 

So the assumption that they are bound to 'eventually' feel loss and want you back may be 100% false. They did their adjustment BEFORE they left by mentally weaning themselves off you and building a support system and sense of self that was separate from you before they left. So most dumpers who step right out of a relationship into another relationship (that you are calling a rebound) aren't actually pursuing a rebound, they already see themselves as totally free and ready for a new relationship because they left you behind mentally a long time ago.

 

The dumpee follows the same arc, but they are forced to deal wtih the loss after they get dumped rather than having the luxury to wean themselves off their partner before the partner actually leaves.

 

And they may or may not come back, but it will only be because they see themselves as wanting to come back, and coming back as preferable to dating someone else (not the first person they date, but any person at all). So if your dumper has fully separated herself from you emotionally and made a firm decision that you are not right for her (which usually happens before she even leaves), then she won't be back. If she was genuinely not sure about leaving, or some other intervening circumstance happens, she may come back. But usually they don't, or else every one would be with the first person they ever dated, which doesn't happen too often.

 

So don't make false assumptions about how uncoupling occurs. If you understand how it occurs (and research bears this out), you are far better telling your ex after they dump you 'i would have preferred to work on this relationship rather than break it up, but if you want to break up I can't stop you. If you ever change your mind and feel the breakup was a mistake and would consider getting back together with me, give me a call. If you're not interested in a relationship with me anymore, then we need to go no contact so that I can heal and get on with my life. So please call me if you change your mind, and don't call just because you want to be friends, because being friends when I'm in love with you won't work.'

 

Then you let go with love and let them do their thing and stop thinking about them as your partner or as if fate will magically bring them back because you are still in love (while they are not). If they try to convert you to a friend, just say no thanks, and repeat if they change their mind to call, but otherwise it is over. They have your number and will indeed call if they change their mind. Meanwhile, you consider it over and begin your own arc of finding a new identity that life that doesn't include the ex.

[PieceofShaun]

While I think this is a valid way of looking at it I have to say I disagree. While people detach themselves during the months before a breakup, and certainly start to lose that emotional connection, i do not think they are literally burning bridge down, but hiding it behind new feelings. in the case of rebounds, it is true most people start to investigate whether or not the new person is worth it over the old person, but the feelings of the new person and infatuation ultimately begin to resonate so strongly, that the feelings for the old person are pushed under the rug. This is why many people feel guilt because part of them is still connected to the dumpee, but not all of them. but not everyone feels guilt, especially if the rebound is clearly a step up and genuinely so.

 

the dumpee goes through the break up stages once the break up hits, but i believe some dumpers (depending on the case) do in fact go through them once those new feelings of the rebound begin to fade. you cannot sever an emotional connection while you are still with that person, hence why dumpees feel pain when they are around the dumper. dumpers will distance themselves beforehand, but they ultimately cannot completely sever that connection, they just avoid it. they don't deal with it. tons of people leave someone for someone new only to realize they cannot develop an emotional connection because they never dealt with the previous one. this can ultimately end rebound relationships because it is hard for couples to work through this.

 

in the end, I think the biggest part in regards to dumpers coming back is why they left. clearly they were unhappy, but there are two very different scenarios. either they were accurately unhappy with their surroundings including their partner, or they were unhappy with themselves. often times people do not realize their own happiness comes from themselves and mistake their discontent to be coming from their surroundings. this is where the theories behind 'GIGS' come from since people who think this way are emotionally immature. it all depends on the situation at hand, why the person was unhappy, that person's maturity, the quality of the relationship and the connection, and how the dumper leaves the relationship. My ex really struggled with leaving me as she slowly distanced herself for 2 months. One day she was normal, the next she wasn't. Everyone is different and there is no cookie-cutter rule.

 

As far as rebounds go, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I know my ex is with another guy now and I know it's best not to think about it. It hurt at first, but I knew our break up was in her and really had nothing to do with me. She told me I was the perfect guy during it. She left me, hit it off with a co-worker and now they are together and she is riding that wave of infatuation. The guy is the exact opposite of me and a complete downgrade. I know this and I remember it. Every day I know that she made the decision to walk out of my life when I have everything going for me. It is her loss, but I love her and I know that because I let her go. My heart was broken and I embraced it knowing that it takes considerable courage to let someone go not knowing whether they will come back or not. The trick is in dealing with rebounds, you don't. You deal with you. I know I'm in every way better than the new guy and this is echoed by several of my ex's family members. My ex doesn't know, she is having the time of her life. Eventually her base happiness will drop back down (honeymoon stage ends) and she will rethink what makes her happy. I honestly expect her to come back around in about 6 months from now. Is that a dangerous way of thinking, you bet, but I'm moving on regardless. I've gone from a crawl to a stride and I know that I have everything going for me. it doesn't matter if she comes back or not, but it would be nice if it did. It takes time to get to this point and a LOT of thought. I understand her reasons to leave, accept that as an unfortunate part of life, and remember that she walked out of my life, she did not kick me out of hers. There is a fundamental difference between rejection and separation (for lack of a better term?). Most people associate break ups with rejection because they cannot empathize with the dumper, hence all of the bitterness.

 

TL/DR - Dumper's don't always sever emotional connections. Feelings towards rebounds hide those old feelings and a dumper can choose to put them off by doing things such as rebounding.

Some dumpers don't realize what they are searching for comes from within and not who they date, but everyone is different. The important thing is to move on and become a better person by focusing on you and constantly reminding yourself that someone chose to walk out of your life and that if anything that is their loss. Being dumped is not always the same as being rejected.

 

Just my two cents. Check out my story if you want more of my insight on my situation.

[Tanzi]

There seems to be a lot of projection on ENA lately in the sense that a poster projects their own experiences onto someone else's experiences. There are so many different reasons as to a why a break-up occurs and many different routes and emotional journeys that both the dumper and dumpee will take.

 

I accept that not all break-ups are black and white for the dumper and, whilst they ultimately feel the need to move on, they may still hold their current partner in very high regard and know that they are going to find it hard to break free from the connection that they shared. This will cause them some amount of confusion and when they finally do go through the motions of breaking-up with their current partner they will no doubt have a hard time in letting go completely (which we see an awful lot of here on ENA). However some dumpers are 100% sure about their decision and are not only ready to leave the relationship far behind them but are also ready to leave behind the friendship, companionship and whatever else they shared with their, now, ex-partner.

 

After a break-up dumpers will will either move on quickly or they will want to remain on their own so they can experience the freedom that being single brings. However moving on quickly has much more to do with, well, moving on and exploring pastures new than it does in finding a rebound to mask over any pain ... mainly because the vast majority of dumpers aren't feeling any pain ... at least not the same pain that dumpees feel.

 

And this is where many people misinterpret the true definition of a rebound ...

 

A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that keeps us from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of our resent break – up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with our lives

 

So whilst this may apply to many dumpees who are nursing a broken heart is doesn't quite apply to dumpers who, generally speaking, aren't in the same emotional pain as a dumpee.

 

That being said, I'm sure there is a small percentage of dumpers who do feel a void and do look to fill that void but I still don't think that situation is as classic a rebound situation as it would be with a dumpee.

 

And what of rebound situations? Most are unlikey to last very long but, again, a small percentage can go on to become loving relationships. Whatever, I think people put far too much emphasis on rebound relationships, mostly because it offers them some hope that the relationship itself won't last very long and there is still a chance they could come back. However, rebound or not, they are evidently happier to be in THAT relationship than they are in being in a relationship with you/us.

 

Whatever the situation, dumpers dump for a reason and all the while they are getting on with their lives separately from ours, they are evidently still happy and comfortable with their choice and there is absolutely no reason to think they are going to hit a brick wall and come bouncing all the way back to us. If they have moved on quickly to someone else, I see a no point in analysing whether or not that relationship could be classified as a rebound. I should think in the vast majority of cases, they are just ready to spread their wings and soak up new experiences ... and if or when that doesn't work out, they will keep on moving forwards.

 

We can analyse our break-up and an ex's new relationship to our benefit all we want but sometimes when a relationship is over .... it really is truly over ... with no looking back on the dumpers part whatsoever, whether they have "quickly" moved on to someone else or remain single for a while. It is as simple as that.

[chickadeedee]

If anyone wants to understand the science behind breakups (research into why they happen and the way dumpers think/feel and operate when making the journey to separate themselves emotionally to the point they want to dump someone), they should read the book 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan. Excellent book that really explains the psychology and research on breakups rather than just the assumptions that people make based on their own hopes and feelings.

 

One of the premises of the book is that this uncoupling process can sometimes be stopped (i.e., you can prevent a breakup), but it is usually only early on in the discontentment process if the couple realizes the source of discontentment and can head off the estrangement before it gets too bad and passes the point of no return where the person has no desire to ever be in the relationship. If they recognize the beginnings of discontentment and make changes to address and remove the discontentment, a reconciliation or prevention of a breakup may occur. But if the dumper is too far along their own arc of discontentment and emotional uncoupling from their partner, it can't be saved and the person moves on for good.

 

So the new person the dumper takes up with is just the horse they use to ride out of town. They may decide they really like that horse so to speak and stay with them and marry them (and it is a total myth that people don't marry and stick with the person they date right after a breakup, because many do), or they may change horses again and end up with someone else entirely different. But for them to get back together with someone they dumped is a tough hurdle emotionally, and will only happen if they haven't really uncoupled emotionally and made a rash decision to leave (or some issue causing the original discontentment gets resolved and removed as an impediment to re-coupling).

 

But you do have to take it as a not very good sign if they take up with someone else after a breakup, because it means they definitely want a new partner, and it isn't you, or they would have stayed with you to begin with and not been interested in anyone else.

[BrokenGator]

In the long run, it shouldn't matter why the dumper decided to break up with the dumpee, however, people need to keep in mind that serial monogamy is not a healthy behavior. Its usually an indication of either wanting a sense of security with no life long commitment or an indication of wanting to experience the relationship joys of the honeymoon period.

 

Usually dumpees want to understand what happened to cause the break up and look for signs to blame themselves. However, its not always the dumpees fault for the end of the relationship. Sometimes the dumper has issues that cause them to break up for what appears to be for no apparent reason the dumpee.

[hopefulandhurt]

i think the whole problem with all these theories is that people try to categorize "dumpers" and "dumpees" as a one size fits all thing and thats impossible. some people probably prepare before they leave relationships and never look back and some probably make more rash decisions. some end relationships because they genuinely don't have an interest to be with the other person anymore and others end for circumstances (distance, personal problems, etc.). its impossible to classify all people into one category. the same goes for "rebounds". sometimes they serve as a distraction and don't last beyond the honeymoon stage but sometimes they end up lasting a lifetime. theres really no way to generalize.

 

if you read these forums, its clear that there is also one way to go about reconciling. some people are nc, lc, friends, etc. you can't generalize plans or solutions to any of this. the best thing to do is just let go and do what feels right to you. im not a big proponent of false hope but i also have a problem with all the cynical people who say "it will never happen". no one knows the future. people break up and get back together all the time, but on the flip side, most people break up and remain that way. no one can predict the future here. all you can do is let go, become happy, and work on yourself and not obsess or plan over the future. what most "dumpees" need to realize is that the person doesnt want to be with you NOW. thats really all thats important. so make yourself happy and move on now. if the situation changes in the future the you will get a chance to evaluate how you feel. but no one can predict what will happen so no point in planning for that now.

[mhowe]

Serial monogamy is healthy behavior. Serial dating -- moving from one relationship to another without processing a break up is not.

 

People do not need life time commitments from each and every relationship they are in.

[BrokenGator]

Serial monogamy is healthy behavior. Serial dating -- moving from one relationship to another without processing a break up is not.

 

People do not need life time commitments from each and every relationship they are in.

What you are describing as serial dating is what serial monogamy is. There is a clear definition for it. Serial monogamy is when someone leaves a monogamous relationship and immediately jumps into another. Studies have shown that this behavior indicates unhealthy behavior in the dumpee.

[Clinton]

Ahhh, the dumper in a "rebound". Those poor misguided souls(at least according to the dumpees anyway). They told you, you were a great person, a perfect match before they left you. But they just couldn't stay because(fill in the blank). All your friends and family said you were a perfect couple, and not to worry, they'd come to their senses soon enough.

 

If you want to wait around, it's your choice. But 99 times out of a 100 they left because a) you weren't a perfect match for them and b) they don't love you anymore.

 

Them getting together with someone else and banging their brains out should really be all you need to know about how much you meant to them. And don't mistake compassion or guilt for love. People on the whole don't like hurting other people they've had a relationship with. So they say all sorts of meaningless nice things going out the door. They may have once loved you, but not anymore. So they try and be compassionate to someone they once had feelings for. Unfortunately dumpees take that as a sign they still have a shot.

 

You can pick your statistics on chances of reconciliation from any number of studies. But the chances of reconciliation from a real breakup(not just a lovers quarrel) aren't very good. You have a better chance of surviving cancer.

 

If you want to wait it out and try and pursue them good on ya. You're an adult and it's your choice. Just don't wait too long to get off the merry-go-round. Because as much as we like to say on here that time heals all wounds, that is simply not true. Some people get destroyed by this process and never get unstuck from longing for the ex. Don't be one of those. Choose to heal. Choose to move on.

[mhowe]

No, Gator --- it isn't.

 

Serial monogamy is someone who has a relationship with one person, at a time. Does not date many people at the same time, and when in a relationship, requires monogamy to be intimate.

The custom or practice of having one mate at a time. Each relationship may be serious and committed, or not. The term is used in contrast with strict "monogamy", which can imply just one partner over a lifetime.

 

 

Serial dating --- is going from one relationship to another.

 

You seem to have a bee in your bonnet with regard to people not thinking that every relationship that is serious must last forever. And that when it doesn't, it is because someone (in your case the person who dumped you) is immature or unhealthy. And you are trying to make this a "universal" problem, and it isn't.

[BrokenGator]

Choose to feel blessed.

[BrokenGator]

No, Gator --- it isn't.

 

Serial monogamy is someone who has a relationship with one person, at a time. Does not date many people at the same time, and when in a relationship, requires monogamy to be intimate.

The custom or practice of having one mate at a time. Each relationship may be serious and committed, or not. The term is used in contrast with strict "monogamy", which can imply just one partner over a lifetime.

 

 

Serial dating --- is going from one relationship to another.

 

You seem to have a bee in your bonnet with regard to people not thinking that every relationship that is serious must last forever. And that when it doesn't, it is because someone (in your case the person who dumped you) is immature or unhealthy. And you are trying to make this a "universal" problem, and it isn't.

 

Many websites seem to disagree with you . "Serial monogamy" is more than just being in a relationship one person at a time (that in and of itself is normal), the unhealthy part is it also implies quickly jumping from one relationship to another at no time at all.

 

Serial monogamists, for example, are almost never single, and if they are, it’s for a very brief period of time. These individuals are not looking for one night stands; they enjoy being in a relationship, and they will ride the train until it comes to a stop. Serial monogamists rarely get married, however. While they are afraid to be alone, they are even more afraid of being alone forever with the same person.

 

As opposed to...

 

The serial dater is a little easier to spot. These people are always dating, and the phrase long-term rarely enters into their vocabulary. Serial daters are not interested in the commitment which is required to maintain a loving, stable relationship; if someone seems like they are getting too attached, the serial dater moves on.

 

Anyway, we can discuss what the definitions of terms all day and night long, which is why I don't like getting hung up on them because all they do is create strawman arguments. I'd rather focus on the description instead.

 

There seems to be a consensus that someone that keeps jumping from one committed relationship into another committed relationship is probably engaging in unhealthy behavior. And it makes sense right? They are probably mostly interested in the "highs" of the relationship and bail when it comes time to hunker down and then quickly enter another relationship probably to fill some void.

[lolabelle]

Well, when my ex broke up with me he said it had taken him 2-3 months to fall out of love with me, it wasnt a rash decision, it just wasnt working for him anymore. When i was upset and texting him he told me that everything i was going through he had already been through before we split. This made me angry of course but when he moved on to someone else after a month, i realised it really was over for him. Hes not the type to just leave me and not look back neither of us wanted that. As the dumpees we often wonder how our ex can move on so fast and i guess often its for that reason, they are already over it before its actually ended.

now, in talking to my ex after finding out about his new girl, (a girl who had been trying to get with him for a while i might add) i went crazy at him and wanted answers as to why he could do this and forget about me so soon to which he told me he was feeling very down on himself as our relationship failed, he had no confidence and he wanted to feel relaxed and happy again. His actual words were he felt as if noone else would ever be interested in him again. He was trying to make himself feel better, but at that time it wasnt working, he then (briefly) broke it off with her as he said the time wasnt right.

 

Ok, so. Clearly the breakup had left him feeling down too, someone showed him some interest and he went for it, i went mad at him but truthfully if someone at rhat time would have shown an interest in me i would have gone for it too.

However they bagan to see each other again i dont know when as i didnt find out for a long time. i thought all he said was lies, then i rememberd, he was over me, before he even left so as much as he was feeling bad about breaking up which was natural, it really wasnt gonna take him as long to move on as it would me.

 

Yes, they do care when they leave, but irs over for them already and therfore easier. Some people may realise their mistakes down the line it totally happens...dont listen to anyone who says it doesnt...i juat posted a comment of 6 reconciliation stories that i personally know.

 

As for no cantact, it just depends. As it stands im not contacting my ex as i have no reason to, however the door is open for communication and we agreed that we could each contact each other whenever we want to....i dont want to and clearly neither does he. This is time to move on, obsessing wont help healing which ultimatly is the aim here. There are no tactics, you play fames you make yourself look crazy in my opinion.

Move on, limit contact as much as possible, mostly none but if that person ever really loved you and cared they wont mind hearing from you occasionally. Leave the communication door open.

I in the end after having another outburst about mynexes new gf wen i eventually found out again...apologized, wished him eell, explained my reaction and said i was happy if he was happy. Its not compleatlybtrue but i have choice but to leave him to his life now.

We can hope we can pray we can try all the tricks in the book but you cannot control them. And there comes a time whe acceptance is the only option

[mhowe]

You may find this odd --- but I don't care what other websites say. I googled the term and put it in bold in my post.

 

Again --- your gross generalizations are not serving you in any way.

 

People are individuals. If the person you were in love with dropped you and got into another serious, monogamal relationship ---- it doesn't mean she is chasing a high. Nor trying to fill a void.

 

Is it possible? yes.

Is it likely? No one would know.

 

What it does mean is the relationship with you was over in her mind, and she was free to, and successfully found someone else that ticks her boxes.

[BrokenGator]

You may find this odd --- but I don't care what other websites say. I googled the term and put it in bold in my post.

 

Again --- your gross generalizations are not serving you in any way.

 

People are individuals. If the person you were in love with dropped you and got into another serious, monogamal relationship ---- it doesn't mean she is chasing a high. Nor trying to fill a void.

 

Is it possible? yes.

Is it likely? No one would know.

 

What it does mean is the relationship with you was over in her mind, and she was free to, and successfully found someone else that ticks her boxes.

 

Are you talking about not caring about what the other websites that you choose not to copy/paste from? You used Google to find definitions the same way I did.

 

I'm not gross generalizing anything. I am sharing what the definition of the terms mean and what the implications of the said behavior indicate based on the multitude of articles. I'm not making this up. lol Like I already said a million times already on here, there are different cases for different situations but some things can apparently be generalized based on recurrent patterns and observations. I call things as they are.