Stay a hermit?

[Silentlyfor]

After months of hard work and a lot of kissing ass I've promoted again at work and it feels great. I'm depended upon, I'm paid more and I have the hours that I desire in my current job. YET, I'm still struggling with other things in my personal life and I find I'm getting angry about the things that are out of my control. I've cut people out of my almost completely except for family and a few select people. Other than a small group, I've virtually excised myself from social contact. I thought I was happy with that. It turns out I'm not.

 

Every now and again I think back and reflect on what I've done with my life thus far. Lately, it's been about my friendships and my romantic life. I've become a hermit which has been effective for me in terms of how far I've come. Granted, I've made the decision to keep away from romantic relationships entirely as I've suffered way too much frustration and, at times, risk when it came to many any intimate venture. But I've been through so much betrayal not just from romantic relationships but friendships I've held as well. Almost everyone I've allowed to become a close friend has in some way or another betrayed my trust in some fashion. Here are few examples:

 

- One lady friend I had decided to spread the rumour I was gay after I slept with her friend (another girl before you ask instead of dating her. Because of our "friendship" I didn't have any luck dating since she spread this rumour among our mutual group of friends. It was only when I severed my ties from her that my dating life became better.

 

- Another friend wanted to make it clear I was inferior to him whenever women were around. Didn't take long before that close friendship ended but not before the damage was done, again, when I was subject to his slander.

 

- Had a that spread the rumour I had an STD after 2 and a half years of friendship. Enough said.

 

The list goes on and I haven't even gotten to the girls I've dated. Anyway ...

 

Now I'm spending my nights alone without contact with people. I wish I could just say I was unlikeable and people find me repulsive in manner and in appearance but that's not it. I find every reason to separate myself from people and I hermetically seal myself away from the world. Worst yet, I'm getting used to it. I thought I enjoyed alone time, and I do, but I feel I allowed it to excess to the point where I don't think I recall how to interact with people. It turns out I like people and human contact but I keep getting hurt. However, I'm an extrovert by nature. I know. The irony isn't lost on me.

 

Should I continue this way and shun the world and its people or should I nut up and just start trusting people and make friends again? This extroverted hermit is not liking being alone but I wonder if being alone is exactly what I need right now.

[zebragirl]

Isolation isn't good, humans are made for connection. But it sounds like you've done the right thing in cutting out toxic people and relationships that are not healthy. You need to start over and find new friends that care about you and aren't going to treat you like crap, spreading rumors and such is just not something a true friend would be doing.

[catfeeder]

You've been through the big churn, which is a natural stage of clearing the address book of all relationships you've formed out of necessity or exposure over the years--usually through school or early jobs. These are the sandbox playmates that a mature person wouldn't necessarily have chosen for themselves, but you were thrown together in the sandbox and made the most of it.

 

Sure, it can be a painful time, but it's a sign that you're maturing and willing to use discretion rather than stay tied to people who don't serve you well. That's the perfect platform for seeking new friends--only we need to shift our expectations away from the kind of 'everything' friends we were able to form as kids. When we're younger we're blank slates and able to homogenize with others. As adults we've solidified our own personalities to some degree, so we need to be flexible in considering the limitations of others.

 

This means forming different friendships to meet different needs. The tennis buddy may not be a great conversationalist, the confidant may not enjoy getting out much, and the friend who shares your passion for something may not be a broad enough thinker to share much else. Point is, we don't need to discard people who fit into a limited compartment, we just avoid the frustration of stretching them into other areas of our lives.

 

We're lucky to keep one or two historic friends over time, the rest will cycle in and out as our paths diverge. For instance, someone who's knee deep in diapers while you're single may allow you to drift away while still thinking highly of you, and you may resynch once their kids hit school age. Just go with it, don't burn bridges with official 'endings,' and see who pops back into your life after maturing on their own schedule.

 

Check your local paper for classes or events, or use link removed to go out and pursue an interest over which you can form bonds with others. Volunteer in your community for something you care about, or walk dogs at your local shelter. There's no need to put yourself on house arrest--in fact, isolation can grow into a deeper hole over time. Push past that now, before it becomes a way of life.

 

Head high.