Lexa Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 months now and i find myself uncertain about how to feel about him anymore. Lately there has been a few things that he's doing that started to make me question him and what are the exact reasons he's with me. For example, I would give him a back massage but he won't do the same to me. I didn't mind at first because I like giving massages but it would start to get really repetitive. He would always use manipulation asking me to give him a back massage because he went to the gym (he goes to work out every day sometimes up to twice a day) and promise he would give me one after. I work every day, always am very tired but still find stenght to give him massages for about 30min and when its my turn he always says tomorrow I'm too tired now and the cycle repeats every single day. Two days ago he did the same thing and I just said OK and asked him if he could go bring me a glass of water but refused saying hes way too tired to go to the kitchen for water. When he would ask me that and I would say no he would start to get manipulative saying how could I do that to him his bf? He would also always tell me that I have to go to the gym every.single.day, always telling me I have to do squats. Now here is the problem: I am not fat, if anything I'm actually pretty skinny because I don't eat regularly and not much. I swear he would disappear if I became fat. That's the impression I have. Not to mention he has some kind of phoby of fat women which is so mean. I like chocolate and he would always look at me with disapprovement in his eyes every time I would eat anything that has sugar in it or fat. Like what the hell. He is Moroccan and I'm moldovian. I speak Romanian and understand Russian but when we first met I told him I spoke Russian. Like who would verify that I speak 100%. Well him. I thought it was soo weird at the beginning. He would do these tests to me where he would go on YouTube and play a video of a man saying Russian words and then translating them in English. He would play start, the man would say the Russian word, then he would press on stop ask me: what does it mean? I would translate it and then he would press play and the voice on the video would translate the word. So then he would have the proof that I said the truth. But theres some words I don't understand so when we would ask me I would refuse to answer because it was ridiculous and he would then say : ahh you lied to me you don't speak Russian. The thing is that these kind of "tests" had been going for almost every day in the past week. Either a song, asking me "Is it Russian?" Or "what does it mean?" Or a text. And if I wasn't sure or didn't know he would say the same thing that I did not speak Russian. Why is it so important? Why does he care so much? Am I giving him some tests to make sure he speaks the language he told me he did? I don't care about that. I told him about it he said he was only joking with me. When we met we spoke about our ideals and he told me he preferred blonde women, to prove me he even texted a friend asking him which kind of woman he preferred and he confirmed with blue eyes even best if Russian. Oh.. Look at that I fit in the description.. I once made a joke saying I'll dye my hair black and he told me he would dye his transparent and he would disappear.. what the hell. I told him about that and he told me its not true he was joking with me again and that he's not with me just for that and he likes me and appreciates me. He never gives me any presents, until now no flowers nothing. We have sex on a daily basis but I know he's not with me just for that. Actually, he says I'm his first girlfriend. He presented me to all his friends with pride and they were quite surprised since he was kind of the independent guy with many girls but never one became his gf. I took up to 5 morning pills which comes up to a lot of money because each was at least 15$ and he didn't pay for one. Actually he never came with me to take it. Not once. We usually stay in bed all day talking then he would prepare food he always does and he cooks very well. I talked to him already that I wanted to have more activities together. Yes its winter but that shouldn't be an excuse. Today I didn't have work but instead of using that free time to do an activity with me he went to the gym .... So I went alone to eat. I told him that today and he said gym comes in front of everything else even me. He works only twice per week so he doesn't have a lot of money he says not even for himself so he asks me to buy things for him like donuts or sprite. It's OK but I never ask him anything because I have money and I'm independent financially but I swear he wouldnt buy me anything. He also seems quite narcissistic looking at himself in the mirror and saying how hot he is or how he goes to the gym so my friends or people will be so envious thinking : look at that hot guy with this girl. He compliments himself more often than me, actually he never really compliments me. I told him that today he confirmed saying yes and that its good he compliments himself. Today, 15 min before he started to prepare to go to the gym he told me: oh come give me a cuddle enjoy the last 15min you have left with me. .... Otherwise, he's very very affectionate sometimes even more than me, always wanting to cuddle, to kiss me, playing with my hair, taking me in his arms in the morning telling me he missed me and never did so much for a girl in his entire life. Neither of us told each other 'I love you', its so early in the relationship and I almost told him many times but didn't. He didn't either but that's okay. I know my worse habits is that im often late but its never like somewhere outside. I would be the one coming to his house all the time so hes in his room doing whatever. I used to take a long time to respond to his text messages but thats because i do not use my phone a lot. He talked to me about it and i changed that now i answer pretty fast He used to be on facebook A LOT even when i was with him i talked about it hes better now he doesnt go as much but its hard for him sometimes. He told me if it was another guy he would've left me a long time ago and that I have a 'princess' attitude. I disagree I think I never ask much, and am a very down to earth person. I just don't know what to do because of all these reasons. Part of me thinks its only the beginning so theres time to change and to work on these things. The other part tells me to let him down, that he's not worth it and that if its already like that after only 2 months imagine how worse it could become after. But I do like him a lot so I'm just so confused. Should I ignore all of this and give him a chance? I already discussed everything with him yet he doesn't think he did anything wrong and tells me what I do wrong instead. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Yep this guy is bad news. Red flags were flying all over the place when I was reading that post. He is selfish, self centred, narcissistic, extremely superficial and more! He loves himself more than you and possibly more than anyone in the world. These are serious character flaws, they won't change. Don't ever date someone under the assumption or hope that they will change. Showing you off to his friends was not being he's proud of you and of dating you as a person, you are like his prized possession, a new toy, who is pretty and fits in the appearance that he's looking for, and he's showing you off to his friends like, look what I've got here! That's right, be jealous, envy me! Being affectionate (eg cuddling) means nothing when he says and does mean things to you like controlling what you eat, whether you go to the gym, does not reciprocate the efforts you put in for him, does not take you out because he can't afford it and you have to buy him stuff instead, calls you a princess for wanting nothing more than for him to put some effort into you and into this relationship as you have for him. Really what are you getting out of this relationship?! You've only dated for two months, cut your losses and run far far away from this guy. P.S. Any guy will "wanting to cuddle, to kiss me, playing with my hair, taking me in his arms in the morning telling me he missed me" if they are dating you, that is not in itself a positive attribute that is specific to this guy. Find a guy who will do these things and not have the aforementioned issues like this guy. Link to comment
missmarple Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I agree with notalady...and I'll add immature to his list of flaws. I'm sure you can do much better than this boy...and it's still early, you've only been dating for 2 months. If you don't leave him now, it will be harder later on. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Why are you with him....nothing is worth putting up with his crap. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 he sounds like a jerk the way you've described him. i think you can do better. next!! Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Danger Will Robinson! Run for the hills. He is bad news. You can do better. Link to comment
intheferns Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Run, run far away and find a real man who treats you with love and respect. This guy treats you like crap. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Other than that he's controlling and manipulative and belittling, he's a fabulous guy? Raise your bar. Link to comment
Lexa Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Hey so first of all I want to thank you for all your replies and for your advice. I haven't been talking to him for almost two days and he sent me a message today asking me if I had free time to talk and I said talk of what and he asked me again if he can call me. I told him he could try. He called and said he wanted to know what is going on with 'us', our relationship. I said I didn't know that I needed some time to think, a break. He told me he said sorry already so many times and I talked to him again about all the things he did and that his actions spoke by themselves. He said we spoke about it already (2 days ago). He said he called me now because I wasn't going to. He doesn't want to break up and he wants our relationship to continue. I said he'll never change and that our discussion two days ago didn't resolve anything and that he just confirmed his actions or he only talked about me. And he told me he will change, he will try. I said i didnt think that would be possible and he told me its because i dont believe in him. He'll try to compliment me more (personal opinion: as if I'm asking for the moon), try to make more activities. I told him about his gym addiction, he said it's his whole career (he's a boxer) and that if I said my career is in front of everything he wouldn't mind. Long story short, I said I didn't think he was ready to be in a relationship and he disagreed saying he was. He wanted to know what I thought of it and whats my decision. He said he wants to be with me but at the end I'm the one who has to tell him if I want that too and if I didn't want to he won't force me. I said he is the one pushing me away and making me want to leave him and again same thing : I'm sorry OK? What do u want me to say i imagine I'll change. He's at work now, he said hell call me in about 2 hours to ask me what is my decision. He prefers us meeting to discuss about it but hell still call me when he finishes work. I know I was hurt by all of that. Everyone is telling me the same thing. It's just hard because he sounds honest and I want to believe hell be able to change yet most people can't or thats what everyone realizes at the end after giving so many chances. For now, the only thing I want is space, and some time away from him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I think in the beginning is when people are on their best behavior. So if you've been dating for 2 months, you're giving him sex daily, massages, and you ask him to get you a glass of water and he balks, blah. He's not going to get better, you know... And then if you're skinny and you eat a piece of chocolate he gives you a bad look? yeah, ugh. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I lean towards believing that maybe he does want to change, just to save this relationship, but just know that that is his personality and his character, those thing almost never change, unless the change came from within, not when it's coming from you like in this case. So I would still walk away if I were you. Link to comment
TwixSense Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 He sounds like a butthead Yes he is taking you for granted Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 This guy is a jerk and has been proving it to you for a long time. Why do you stay with him?? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Urrgh it never fails to amaze me how some people are so brazen with their double standards. They really are just taking the p*ss because they know they can get away with it. It shows a real lack of respect. This guy isn't in this relationship because of a mutually shared love or affection, he is in it for it's benefits ... and he is trying to turn you into the perfect woman for his benefit too .... the only trouble with that is his perfect woman doesn't just have to look good she has to bow and scrape to his every whim and fancy! To be honest this guy sounds like a real joke ... all brawn and no brain as "they" say. I don't see anything here worth hanging on to. It will be one of those situations that gradually grinds you down. I'd run away as quick as you can. It will never change for the better because he doesn't think things need to change. He certainly doesn't think HE needs to change .... and even if he did, it is unlikely he would want to. He likes things just as they are. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I fear his promises to change are just empty promises. He wants to get things back on track so he is saying what you want to hear. He is already pressurising you for a decision in 2 hours when you have actually said you need a "break". He isn't allowing you any space to think. To be honest, I don't think this is about such changes as paying you more compliments ... if someone isn't very forthcoming on the compliment front it is going to be very hard for them to make the conscious effort of paying you more compliments. Neither does it make those complimemts genuine. And anyway giving and receiving compliments is a very personal thing. That alone does not define a person as worthy or unworthy. This is far more about his attitude towards you, the relationship and his own selfish needs. This is a guy who only works two days a week and therefore expects you to buy HIM things. He has an air of entitlement about him. He thinks he is entitled to the things you do and give to him without any return. He might put on a show of change by throwing out a few more compliments but he will only be doing it to gain back what he has lost. Before long he will fall back into his old self. From the way he spoke to you it seems to lack genuine emotion ... though, of course, I can't really tell that from just one paragraph ... but, I mean "I'm sorry OK? What do u want me to say i imagine I'll change." hardly comes accross as a heartfelt apology from someone who is sincerely bummed by the realisation of their own behaviour and knows they have to change. As has been said, it's only been two months .... I would get out now before you fall any deeper. It will be harder to stand up for yourself then. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Danger Will Robinson! Run for the hills. He is bad news. You can do better. Cute. I don't think she'll pick up on that one. I hated Dr. Smith. Link to comment
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