Too broken to fix?

[defeated]

Looking for a little advice, or really just someone unconnected to see it from the outside if they can spare the time. I've read a few threads on here that are similar but somehow don't feel the same in a few respects. I'll try not to make this too long but it might end up that way!

 

I've been with my partner for >15 years, since we were both in school (though not the same one). We met doing things that we both enjoy, clicked, and literally never found a bad thing about each other. Very similar backgrounds, nice enough families, never argued (more than the odd silly insecurity of a

 

After the first teenage years died off we had some issues (drop in her physical interest from "initiating it once or twice a day" to "being accepting and (honestly) enjoying it" once a week) - normal, I found it hard to adjust but after talking it through accepted that the honeymoon was over and while it was a bit ego crushing, I loved her from the bottom of my heart and was always super proud of her, regardless. I've never pressured anything, never actively asked, just tried to flirt and make her comfy. I sort of made it my mission to keep her interested and make completely sure she enjoyed it ahead of me when it happened. All other areas of the relationship were peachy. We dated, we went to cool places, met people but didn't care for anyone as we enjoyed time together.

 

Roll on 5 more years, the in-bed intimacy dropped off to once or so a month at best but still very close with passionate kisses and always very touchy feely, she was always the one hanging off my arm and looking lovingly into my eyes when talking. I tried a few times to talk about it (very hard as a guy to get all the flirting and lead up, then nothing - always approached it carefully and looking for guidance and trying to fix it) but it didnt go down very well and usually ended in tears and "I'm just not interested in it" and "I don't even think about it unless you bring it up, but it's fun when it happens". Starting to feel something was missing, wasn't sure if I was "allowed" to feel that way and convinced myself I was being stupid as it was 95% ok and she is so loving, caring and wonderful.

 

Roll on 5 more years (a few years ago). In-bed intimacy is on it's last legs. If I start it, it's treated as a task to be completed with a smile, same as always. Any suggestion of changing things up, going for a drink/date, having a nice romantic massage yields total disinterest. Starting to feel like a 60 year old couple in that respect. If I don't start it, it doesn't happen, if I do I might as well be amusing myself. Whole exotic holidays doing fun exciting stuff go by with no in-bed intimacy (but normal amounts of public intimacy). Experiments of "just do nothing that will pressure her but be nice and it'll come back" last 2+ months, discussions are souring but doctors advice is sought by her to check out physical/hormonal/other issues. None found. But other areas of relationship are still as good as a decade ago, however due (primarily) to work related stress and the continuing rejection and lack of positive feedback in the relationship I'm falling into borderline depression, to the point of seeking counselling for myself. Then an incident lead to a genuine misinterpretation of a loving gesture as a proposal. Some discussion later she admitted she was disappointed and would have said yes, but accepted that it's not logical and doesn't make any difference really as it wasn't what she was looking for right now.

 

Last few years have been tough on both of us. The depressive bout lasted 2-3 years, during which time she had to keep poking me into action to do the stuff we love (which we did, don't get me wrong, it's just I wasn't the one suggesting stuff anymore). I didn't feel positive about much and I guess I was quite vocally negative about everyday things, but knew I needed her to keep me straight, which she did and I came out the other side stronger and happier in myself and very, very grateful to her. 10x the confidence and have an amazing career, great friends and do great things. We have no money worries at all, a nice house, nice cars, great friends, go for meals/nights out regularly, have awesome holidays doing adventurous stuff that makes our friends jealous and think we're insane - from the outside we're the perfect couple. The problem is it's broken her finally, I think.

 

I guess I was just too much of a toll and it's changed the way she sees me. We lost all intimacy (no kisses, shrugged off hugs, no holding hands). She treats me like I need looking after despite me clearly being fine, which makes her feel like my mother and makes me really annoyed. We have the discussion (which is now about whether we should bother being together) every few months, it always ends in "but I love you and will do anything not to lose you" from both sides, but I feel the romantic rift is so wide now. We've been on some amazing holidays, only a few months ago went unsupported trekking together for weeks on end. At the end of the holiday we sat on a beach and discussed what the hell was wrong over some wine. We both ended up agreeing that we felt the other person sucked the life out of everything these days (actual words) and neither were happy as things are. I feel like she treats the relationship like a friendship and mothering of me, like she's lost all the spark she had and is acting like she's 20 years older than she is - to be honest I find it hard to be interested in the relationship at all now apart from loyalty to her/it- she's not behaving like the person I fell in love with and shows no sign of returning. She claims I'm not the exciting person I used to be either, but when I try she somehow manages to suck the sponteneous feeling out of romantic evenings/trips/nights out/days out and then complains that yet again whatever was left was her idea and again I'm just tagging along on her day that she planned, because I didn't have a plan she likes to know what she's doing. ? All the stupid things couples have between them- silly phrases, remembering past things -all now answered with a disinterested yes or a grunt. Hold her hand - 10 seconds later it's gone limp and an excuse is made to retract it. Hop up and down at the prospect of a day in the snow together and it gets a quick smile but nothing more.

 

I'm a bit lost. A lot hurt. I feel like I have no argument because she stuck by me when I was lowest and I can see her points to some degree, but now I feel like we're stuck in a negative loop and it's hurting both of us. Discussions with her always end with a logical answer from her "I want to feel part of a team and like I'm special" - yes so do I, just not a chore-reciprocating loveless one that this has become. Yet when I trybe more spontaneous, and do extra stuff (doing more than my fair share of chores, fixing stuff around the house, taking her for meals etc, taking her out doing the activities we love), I just get "thanks for that, see you in the morning". When I try to take charge and do things I think she'll like, she doesn't like not having an input, so I try to ask her what she wants and she doesn't like THAT because she doesn't like me trying to please her because that's not very independent and manly of me and is a show of weakness (her words, not mine). To be honest I don't *need* her at all, never have, and she knows it, and she doesn't *need* me. I lived alone for 18 months at the other side of the country and thoroughly enjoyed looking after myself without problems, and looked after her when she visited - I just *want* her to be there and enjoy having her there to share life (or at least I did, still do to a great extent!).

 

I've talked to a couple of old friends (close ones, confidentially) about some of our issues -one suggests walking away, one suggests it's obviously good enough to have lasted this long so it's worth fighting for (plus I'll likely never find anyone who ticks ALL boxes ever again anyway). Many people (without being asked) offer the ever-helpful - you should get married soon, you won't find anyone like her- how come you don't have kids yet? I (we) have absolutely no interest in entering a marriage/kids situation with someone who ALREADY treats me like I'm just the housemate, but I strangely can't imagine wanting anyone else to be married to.

 

I'm sure there's more to say but I'm tired, you're all probably bored, it's late and I have work in the morning and complete confusion in my head. I feel like this could be fixed if I could find what was at the root of it, but after 10 years of asking we are still at a very civil, loving, trusting impass. I feel deepening resentment and I see her feeling the strain of it more each month. That's the last thing I want for her.

 

Any advice welcome, whether it cements my views or challenges me into thinking differently. I really just need help figuring a way forward soon.

[shellyf62]

I felt so sad reading your post. I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point.

 

Other than couples counselling I don't have much to offer I'm afraid.

 

I hope someone comes along soon that can help you more than me.

 

Take care.

[Andrina]

Hi, I would change your screen name, since you don't want Defeated to be a self fulfilling prophecy and something that defines you. I know how frustrating and upsetting it is to be with a partner who is uninterested in sex. I was in a one year relationship with someone who only wanted it twice a month. I don't know how you've endured so much longer and with far less than that. And I can see why your spirit is squelched, as no matter how you behave, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in her eyes. Since you love each other, but haven't had the skills to come up with a plan to fix things, I'd really recommend couples counseling. I always believe in pulling out all the stops before throwing in the towel. Will counseling work? Only if you have a good one and both are willing to follow the counselor's homework. If you don't like the counselor, try another one. If your significant other doesn't put forth effort and follow the counselor's guidance, then at least you can say your tried everything before giving up.

 

I can only say if I was in your shoes and there were no improvements in the sexual arena, and the other areas that are lacking, then I would end things. I'm assuming you're in your early thirties. You probably have another 45 years on the planet, and that's a long time to be treated like a child. You have a second chance at happiness, and of course you can't imagine loving anyone else right now. But in time, after you mourn the relationship that stopped being right for you, then you will find one day you're ready to date again. When your friend said no one else will have all the boxes ticked off, she/he's wrong. It might take dating a boatload of women to find her, but she's there, and will also have the essential quality of having a similar libido as you. Being sexually compatible is of utmost importance for relationship happiness, and I hope you find that one day. Take care.

[ThatwasThen]

I (we) have absolutely no interest in entering a marriage/kids situation with someone who ALREADY treats me like I'm just the housemate, but I strangely can't imagine wanting anyone else to be married to.

Well, you're one another's addiction so its no wonder you can't imagine wanting anyone else to be married to. I suspect however that when you separate, heal and then get on with your romantic life with someone new, your imagination will allow you to see yourself with someone else.

 

I suggest the two of you try a life without one another and stop being afraid to give up a bad habit.

 

Maybe you might try some couples therapy to see if that can breach that emotional disconnect that's been widening as the years carry on together before you go cold turkey withdrawl?

[janut1]

I agree with the advise above^^

 

I was in a 17 year marriage that sounds a lot like yours. I lost interest in any sexual contact at about 7 years in to the marriage. The reason I did was because my then husband was verbally abusive to me and my oldest kids who were his step kids. So a different circumstance, but I know how it feels to completely lose that feeling. I spent the last 10 years with him trying to love him again but it never came back. We tried counseling, but he was stubborn and felt he was right in his actions, which made it difficult to fall back in love. Looking back now, I wish I left hi earlier because that is 10 years I will never get back.

 

As far as you wrote, I don't see anything like that happening, but I would absolutely recommend couples therapy to see if you can find out what happened or is happening. Sometimes it could be something we are not even aware of. If both partners are ready and willing to work on it, it can work wonders.

 

I hope you get lots of feedback here and take care.

[Willywagtail]

I guess we live in a society that perpetuates the myth of living happily ever after. Hey, guess what, people don't - and it's all around us!

 

You obviously met quite young and it sounds like you've been together about 12 - 15 years. From what you've written, I'd say your relationship has run it's course. There is no failure in this.

 

You're both dissatisfied and you've both stayed together too long regardless of a lack of intimacy and physical affection. Even though the signs are all there, you can't seem to disconnect.

 

At this point, I would suggest, counselling would be useless. You need to part, amicably and with affection, and get on with your lives.

 

It will be hard because you're both so habituated to each other. But you will be free of each other once it's done. 2015 is a new year. Do it.

[1a1a]

Those conversations that end with "but I still love you and let's not end this yet". In hindsight, I should have left the first time I had one of those with my ex.

[BitterSweet526]

In a situation similar to yours, except during his depressive episode he had 2 affairs. I find myself here looking for the same advice, if it's too broken to fix. Most of me knows it is, but the stubborn part of me refuses to believe this is how our story ends. Put in way too much time and effort to have nothing to show for it. But how do you fight for something when it seems like a losing situation every time? I honestly hope you find an answer .. I'll be searching too.

[Willywagtail]

Put in way too much time and effort to have nothing to show for it.

 

See, this isn't true. And this is not true for the OP either.

 

You've had a whole experience of life and learning via what you've been through. What you've learnt, and what you've experienced is creating the person you are and the person you will become.

 

It's absolutely not wasted.

 

All our life and love experiences are valuable regardless of how difficult or painful they might be. Otherwise why would survivors of atrocious acts or atrocious relationships go on to live wonderful lives?

[Lester]

Too broken to change?

- Probably not, but you would have to be willing to listen to/try something new.

 

You fell into a very common, (nowadays) pop-culture trap.

 

That is; money and all the stuff it buys equals committed vows, genuine love and family.

It doesn't, and it's most likely whats been bothering her.

 

What to do:

Reject pop-cultures definition of love. ie(Money, stuff and far away places can't substitute for genuine love and a fulfilled life!)

Learn what real, (genuine), love is.

Which of course means accepting and loving her the way she is right now.

 

Once you've done that:

Kneel, propose, marry and have some kids.

 

Once you do:

You'll look back and laugh at you current musings.

 

Any advice warning:

I know I come off strong but it's for good reason. I can't tell you how many of these things I've read here on ENA.

If you are like most, you will reject change and separate.

She will find someone, (she may have already), marry and have a kid. Most likely this year or early 2016.

[defeated]

Sorry for the time away folks, been a hectic time. I appreciate everyones replies and while I'm not against the idea of external help, I'm also not convinced it will introduce anything new - but I will give anyhing a go if I can find anyone useful nearby (unlikely). We were considering a break but neither of us see the point in a break that is partial and i feel a full separation break w9uld be a nail iñ the coffin.

 

Lester, i feel youve misread the situation and made some massive assumptions. There is no hint of assumption on our part that material possessions = love, it was purely setting the scene so youre aware there are no underlying stresses from finances or lack of intersting things to do, I feel your conclusions reflect more on your view of others in the light of your own experience. We have never needed stuff, never cared if a holiday was camping in the rain or adventure hiking in the mountains of a random country, we always just enjoyed being together and sharing that. We seem to have lost that somehow.

We have had genuine love, and apparently lost it and now seem to have totally different views of what the future holds.