I feel trapped, but I'm not sure what is right...

[ifeeltrapped]

So, I met my boyfriend online. We have been together for 8 months now. When we first met, I was heartbroken from the last guy I dated, who was absolutely terrible. He was a drug addict and I was in college. We were total opposites, but I thought I could "fix" him. Somehow in the mess of the breakup, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The very same day I graduated, May 10, I went to a car dealership with the new guy I had met, who I am with now. I co-signed on his truck, not knowing exactly what that meant. There was my first mistake. He lived with his sister, her husband, and their 2 year old. I got a job at the police station and things seemed to be going in the right direction, so I moved in with him at his sisters. They treated me just fine, but he would not rush home to me, instead he would go to his friends' after work, I was never invited. When he came home, he was great, always attentive, but I wondered why he wouldn't want more time with me. I started getting calls from the truck company saying payment was past due, etc. Great, what had I gotten myself into? He said he would get it under control. Then, on one of my days off, I decided to surprise him with new truck mats and accessories while he was at work, so I took the spare key and placed them in his truck. I saw something weird under the seat, so opened up the box. Inside-a used meth pipe. I thought OMG, not again, I cannot do this again.. I cannot watch someone destroy themselves again like this, and bring myself down too. I texted him that I was packing my stuff and would be gone before he got home. In turn, he freaked out, came home, told me it was not his that he was covering for a buddy at work so he didn't get caught with it. I was hesitant, but believed it. I feel like at this time, I stayed b/c I was scared about my credit with the truck. As more time passed, it became more than the truck. I stayed because I loved him. I got us a house to rent in town and we soon moved together. Everything in the home, I provided. Where was all his stuff? I guess in 24 years of life, he accumulated--nothing? Weird. I soon got a different job at the Health department so that we had more similar hours. I was much happier. My mother got very ill in the meantime, was on life support for 4 weeks. I went every day, for the hospital was only 25 minutes from our rental house. I had to beg him to come the few days that he did. He was there for me when I would get home, but why didn't he come to the hospital more? His sister even told me that he took off work half day one day b/c he told them he needed to go be with me. But he didn't come? Instead, his friends "needed" his help. Side note-- his friends drive me insane, none of them have their lives together, they all always borrow/owe each other money, and they're always piddling with cars and stupid things in hopes to get "rich" from their projects that never get finished. His friends showed the signs of drug abuse, always hyper, never slept, constantly working on things but never getting finished -- and always broke. The only sign that my boyfriend had was always being broke. Oh, and mood swings, horrible ones. However, he makes up for the mood swings by being great for 3-4 days, coming straight home, cleaning, catering to me. Now, I have the job that I wanted, at a publishing company which goes with my college major. We moved in with my parents because it is closer to work. He drives 45 minutes to his job every day at a factory. I want him to try to find a better job that is closer, but he tells me he will, but no sign of him trying at all in 2 months. Most weeks, I have to pay for his gas to get to work, and he uses my mom's car because he has not even licensed the truck yet because he doesn't save up enough money for the sales tax. Also, his mother has made a couple of the truck payments b/c i call her crying that he is going to ruin my credit. He is always a month behind on the truck, no matter what. and the insurance is $308 a month because last year, he got a DWI before I met him. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I guess what should I do? Perhaps talk about the positives -- He makes me feel pretty and wanted sometimes. I like having him to text me all day. I like having him in my bed at night, and by my side at family functions. I like the idea of being in love. However, what do I want in life? I want a man who is loyal, who would never steal from me (my boyfriend has stolen many times from my wallet and even stole my debit card one night when I was sleeping). I want to build a small house someday, go on vacations.. have children. Just a simple, yet comfortable life. I feel like everything is on track in my life except him. I save money well, but resent him because he gets paid every Friday (makes more than me, too) and is broke by every Sunday or Monday. That leaves me to pay for anything we do, any gas he needs, and also I buy all the groceries for him and I for our work lunches and plus to provide some to my parents because we live there. He helps with nothing money wise. He does clean and do chores for my parents, that's nice of him, but is it enough? I don't know. This last weekend was his birthday weekend, he was horrible to me, even though I did everything he wanted and got him everything he had mentioned that he would like. I give him my all, and like this weekend I was ready to be done, but I don't want to go through the months of pain that come after a breakup, and the guilt his family gives me when I try to leave him (they've done it before). He goes absolutely crazy when I say I'm done, calls his mom and says he's driving over 100mph and she called me screaming that he was gonna die and it was going to be my fault. I took him back, because he swore he would change. Since we have moved in with my parents the last two months, I've saved up over $2000 in my savings and have plenty in my checking too, but he has saved $0. We have no house bills? I don't understand. I set up a payment plan for his truck and insurance and he has been following it, but he should still have $1000 left a month after that but never has a dime. I asked him to start a small saving with me and whatever he put in a week, I would match. He put $10 a week for 2 weeks, so I did also and then last week he wanted it back and got all mad at me when I didn't want to, but I gave him his stupid $20 anyways. It's just like, really? He's 25 years old now. Where is my life heading with him? They say that love is better than money, but is this situation worth it? I do love that guy to death, but will I learn to love someone else more who respects me and my values in life. I tell this guy what I want in life and his response is always "go be with your prince charming then".. all the time. and I say maybe I will and he said I'm trying here! I know that leaving him will mean filing bankruptcy so I can get off of the truck mess, because if I leave him I know he will not make the payments on time, which could mean wage garnishment for me, and I refuse to pay for his $20,000 loan. I would rather pay $800 for bankruptcy and start fresh. LIke I said though, he acted psycho this weekend, but this week has been very kind, sweet, and loving to me. I am at a loss..

[ifeeltrapped]

I guess I should also mention some things I do that he does not like. I get mad when he goes to his friends and doesn't come straight home. It's not that I don't want him to have friends, it's that his friends are trashy, do drugs, and he also lies about where he is. Other girls aren't an issue. I b*tch about his money situation 24/7. I also get on to him when I go grocery shopping and he eats an entire box of cereal in one setting. It's not that I can't afford more, it's the fact that he doesn't provide anything. Ughhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[mhowe]

I don't understand why you don't send him back from whence he came.

 

YOU own the truck. Take him off it and sell it and use whatever you get for it to pay back the loan.

 

Do not file bankruptcy. It is on your record permanently and will affect your life forever.

[ifeeltrapped]

The bank says that we both own the truck 50/50.. sucks! I want off of it, so that it can no longer be my "reason" to stay. The truck is only worth $14,000 but apparently he owed $7,000 on the truck he traded so now there is a loan for over $20,000 on a truck worth much less. I feel so trapped.

[mhowe]

You are jointly liable for the truck. If he stops paying, the owners of the debt can attach both of you. As he has no money, you will be on the hook.

 

HUGE life lesson. Never lend nor cosign for a boyfriend.

 

He will never pay it off. Nor is he even trying.

 

Well ----- I guess bankruptcy it is. Which will affect your credit regardless, but at least you won't be 20k in debt.

[BigKK]

This is why I am against mixing finances with new relationships.

 

Is it an AND or OR statement on the truck?

[ifeeltrapped]

Yes, huge lesson to be learned. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The good thing for me is, I have a great family, will always have a place to live and be welcome, and if I have no credit, I have people who will help me get things in life. I am lucky there, it just sucks because that means relying on others. I hate doing that. I was ready to leave him this weekend, or I guess I should say make him leave me since he lives with me, but now he's being so sweet this week and reminding me again why I fell in love with him, but I know it's just a matter of time before he snaps again, then nice again, then mean again.. etc.

[ifeeltrapped]

This is why I am against mixing finances with new relationships.

 

Is it an AND or OR statement on the truck?

 

It's an AND ..

[greta96]

You are trapped...but the good news is that you can (and should) get out like yesterday.

This guy will not change, no matter how patient you are and how long you are willing to wait for him to grow up. Not only is he on drugs (come on, nobody hides meth pipes for their friends, it's a risk nobody would take for someone else!), which have already screwed his brain to the point where he became unable to function normally in society, but he's also part of a shady entourage, and into who knows what sordid affairs.

All the money he makes goes on drugs, and booze with his buddies. The only reason you are there is because you are allowing him to live off you, he is totally dependent on you financially.

 

Don't think for a second that he didn't plan all this from the moment he met you. It was not an accident that he persuaded you to co-sign the truck papers, he knew what he was going to do. There are guys out there (and women too) who live to mooch off others, they fly from girlfriend to girlfriend, and are careful to pick those nice but naïve ones, who they feel would love them enough to bend themselves over backwards, financially and otherwise, to please them and help them live a comfy life.

 

You did great so far in your life, and it sounds like you can have a bright future. This guy is guaranteed to ruin that for you, if you stick around long enough. All he can do is drag you down, and get you involved in shady, dangerous situations. Not to mention ruin you financially, which he's already done by the sounds of it.

 

I was reading through the "positives" of being with him, and honestly, there is nothing in there that a different guy couldn't give you. Texts, companionship, making you feel pretty and wanted (all the time, not just sometimes!) - this is what boyfriends are for! I think you are in love with the idea of being in a relationship, not with the guy himself, because there is nothing good about this particular guy!

You can have all these "benefits" (and much, much more) with other guys too, if you gave them a chance. But in order to be able to meet someone better, you need to let go of this leech of a guy.

 

So, do whatever you need to do to remove him from your life. If you need to file for bankruptcy, so be it. Whatever it takes. Your credit score will no longer be impeccable, but your life and financial future will improve. Take the bull by the horns and clean up your life of this moron, before you get even more entangled in his cr*p.

Pay no attention to his mother's yelling or threats, of course she'd rather have him with you, instead of supporting him herself! He won't kill himself over you dumping him, and even if he's got suicidal tendencies, which I doubt, it's not your problem to deal with, his mom has to take over and give him the help he needs.

 

Your only priority should be you and your own safety and wellbeing, and you can only achieve that by getting yourself out of this disastrous situation as soon as possible. Don't let negative thoughts, such as you won't find anyone else to be in a relationship with, deter you from doing the best thing for yourself. You're smart and sound nice, I'm sure you'll have no trouble meeting great guys, who are not dirty drugged up deadbeats.

[ParisPaulette]

What the others have already told you. And then get yourself into therapy to find out why you keep choosing abusive men and letting them have total control over you to the point you get yourself into some very bad places. Breaking up with the addict guy should have had you running for the hills the moment the new guy begged to be put on your truck title. And instead you just nodded and said sure and walked into an even worse situation.

 

The self-sabotage could not be any clearer than if you wore a sign that says, "I am trying to do myself in." Go get some therapy, find out what that's all about, start learning about red flags and how to establish boundaries and say no whenever you see, hear, feel or even think something is inappropriate from someone.

[boltnrun]

End the relationship, declare bankruptcy, then enter therapy to find out why you want to be loved so badly you'd put up with being used for your money.