Situation with a co-worker

[anonymous1984]

Okay, I know I'm gonna get flamed for this, but would like some advice...

 

I'm 30, working as an executive at a big four firm (so work/life balance non-existent and difficult to meet people). I've been single for two years since my ex left me after a 7 year relationship, she left me after cheating and is now married and has a child with a guy who she already had a relationship with during a time when we were on a break.

 

So about 1,5 years ago A joins the company within my department but at another office (50 km away), so I'm not her boss. A is 24 and has a two year relationship with her current boyfriend.

 

I first met her at a job fair when she was looking for a job and spent an hour talking with her, so there was a direct click.

 

As she has been working at another office, we didn't have that much contact (except during the company ski-trip), but when we did have contact it was allways very friendly. Btw, she's the kind of girl that can drive every girl crazy.

 

In May of this year, she has been temporary transferred to my office to assist on a big project. During this time, we got much friendlier and started having coffees together several times per day (I think we spend two or three hours per day in the coffee corner together) and would be chatting with eachother the whole day. We would often be both working late and ordering pizza's and have dinner together.

 

Conversations did escalate and a lot of teasing and flirting has been going on.

 

Very soon conversations don't only occur at work, but start the moment we get up and end when we go to sleep throug whatsapp (I have hunderds of pics of her on my phone, as she would sent a pic to me of every step she takes, e.g. if she's buying new clothes, she sends me pics from the fitting room etc.)

 

She would often hug me, or put her head on my shoulder when we are talking to eachother, when we car pool to an event abroad, on the way back she sleeps on my shoulder while i'm driving. So there has been quite a lot of physical contact, even if its just teasing eachother.

 

When she goes on holiday with her boyfriend, we keep whatsapping several hours a day, even when she's having a romantic dinner with her boyfriend.

 

This goes on for months, we're constantly talking with eachother day and night. When she sees on facebook that I'm checking in at a restarant that I didn't tell her about previously, she questions me who I'm there with and starts acting jealous

 

It goes that far that the general rumour within the company is that we are having an affair. It's even her who tells me about the rumour, however that didn't stop her form keeping contact.

 

However, as I'm slow on picking up signals, I'm thinking that's just the way she is and we're having a close friendship.

 

I start asking myself some questions when she sends me a pic of the new 'Agent Provocateur' shop in her town, as she knows that's my favourite lingery brand.

 

Flash forward, once she's back at her own office, the constant messaging and chatting continues and we met up a couple of times during the weekend to have lunch/dinner together which has allways been great fun (we spent 4 to 5 hours at fancy restaurants together, just talking).

 

So this has been going on for months, and in November, I'm at her office for a day (happens very rarely). And at night she proposes to have dinner together, but says, I'll have to invite my boyfriend to join us because he's waiting for me to come home for dinner.

 

So I agree, and she drives with me to the restaurant. I was caught completely off guard when she asks me in the car not to tell her boyfriend about the previous lunches/dinners we had as he doesn't know anything about that. At that point I started thinking, if she doesn't tell him, maybe she considers what she's doing as being wrong and maybe she wants more.

 

That night was a strange night, as we would be chatting with eachother continously and he would be totally silent. That night they didn't act as a couple at all. At least I didn't see any affection between them.

 

Other colleagues who know him had already told me at that point that he's a boring guy and they are probably having a very boring relationship.

 

A few week later, there was a company gala with partners where she and her boyfriend were present and that night every time she saw me looking at them she would fling around him.

 

During this time, I gave her my honest opinion about her boyfriend.

 

Since end of November, contact has suddenly dropped and limited to professional discussions (save for one or two occasions where she was under stress and asks me to come online so we can chat, which we do then until midnight (non professional)).

 

She has also been executing her 'master plan' which she has made for her life by buying a house with her boyfriend.

 

Luckily we're organising the company ski-trip together this year, so we will be seeing eachother the coming months.

 

But, I've come to realize that I really miss our continous chats and have started to develop strong feelings for her. I didn't want such feelings to occur, as I've been in a similar situation with my ex, but then from the other side. However, you don't choose who you like/love.

 

So my questions:

 

1) Is/was she interested in me?

2) Wy did the contact stop? Did she realize that she was crossing lines? Did her boyfriend pick up on us?

3) Has the window of opportunity passed?

4) If we can't be anything more than friends, how do I regain her trust to be just friends?

 

I know most of you will say: don't get involved with a co-worker, but she works at a different office, and it's not a problem at our company. Because every one has a bad work/life balance we see a lot of this within the company

 

Shoot!

 

(sorry for the length of this post)

[Iggles]

But, I've come to realize that I really miss our continous chats and have started to develop strong feelings for her. I didn't want such feelings to occur, as I've been in a similar situation with my ex, but then from the other side. However, you don't choose who you like/love.

 

This is a line straight from the cheater's handbook. It's how people justify their selfishness.

 

Life doesn't just happen to you. You make choices along the way.

 

You were recently divorced and lonely when you started working with an attractive younger woman who showed interest in you. You've been having a textbook emotional affair for months. You were a participant in this, despite telling yourself otherwise. You knew she had a boyfriend. You knew it was inappropriate to be messaging one another and sharing pictures at all times of the day. Her interest in you felt good. As long as you didn't kiss her or otherwise physically cross a line you told yourself you were doing nothing wrong. But you already know that isn't true. You both crossed numerous other boundaries, to the point where in your view the boyfriend was a "boring" guy who had that role in name only.

 

She is a cheater. For whatever reason, she pulled back and decided to refocus on attention on her relationship. You're missing your interactions with her and looking for ways to rekindle the intimacy you had. Stolen moments. Conversation. Confidants. And more this time.

 

 

So my questions:

 

1) Is/was she interested in me?

2) Wy did the contact stop? Did she realize that she was crossing lines? Did her boyfriend pick up on us?

3) Has the window of opportunity passed?

4) If we can't be anything more than friends, how do I regain her trust to be just friends?

 

You can connect the dots on 1-3. As for number 4, don't kid yourself. You have no interest in being this woman's platonic friend.

 

OP, instead of trying to rekindle the connection you had with this woman with hopes of it turning into a full fledge relationship/affair, maybe you should see this as a wake up call. Be gracious that she opened your heart towards loving again, but recognize she isn't someone to pursue.

 

Instead, focus your energy on meeting and dating single, eligible woman. Someone who expressing your romantic interest in is fully above the board. Tell your friends you're officially on the market. Create a dating profile and dive back into the dating pool. Find a woman who can love you back in the way you deserve.

[CovertCactus]

1. Maybe as a friend or maybe as a back up if she breaks up with her current bf. I admit that the amount of time and contact she has with you is certainly confusing but I would take that as a red flag. Why is she spending so much time with another guy while she is in a relationship? Would she continue with the same behavior if she was with you?

 

2. Probably because you gave her your honest opinion of her bf which I imagine wasn't a good one. She probably realized you were liking her as more than a friend.

 

3. She has a bf, there never was a window of opportunity.

 

4. Why would you want to be her friend? You already said you're developing feelings for her and she has a bf. That's going to lead to unrequited love which is just going to hurt you in the long run.

 

It doesn't matter if her bf is boring or not. It doesn't change the fact that she's with him and not with you. Besides that's your coworker's opinion of the guy, not hers. If she's buying a house with him then she clearly must love the guy. In her opinion, she probably thinks the guy is amazing and everything she looks for in a man. What others perceive as boring she may perceive as intelligence. Who knows what she sees in the guy but she is clearly serious about the guy. You need to squash your feelings you have for her now and move on.

[bulletproof]

So my questions:

 

1) Is/was she interested in me?

2) Wy did the contact stop? Did she realize that she was crossing lines? Did her boyfriend pick up on us?

3) Has the window of opportunity passed?

4) If we can't be anything more than friends, how do I regain her trust to be just friends?

 

1) No way for anyone to know that here. Also, doesn't matter because she has a boyfriend.

2) Again, impossible to know or even guess. And, doesn't matter.

3) There was no "window of opportunity." By that, are you implying that you'd be willing to get together with her if she broke up with her bf? Why would you want to be with someone that would cheat and run off with you?

4) Maybe you can be friends at one point, but that point may be a very long time from now. Preferably once you've set your sights on someone else romantically.

 

I think you seem to have a pattern of liking woman who cheat. Do you think maybe that's an issue for you?

[itsallgrand]

What is it you want to come of this? Long term affair with her? OR are you looking for someone to have a serious relationship with who is available for you?

 

I agree with Iggles. "You don't choose who you like/love" is straight out of the cheaters handbook. Next thing I wonder is if that is you or if it is residual crap from having not fully processed and moved on from your ex and her cheating and that whole relationship yet?

 

Any advice which leads you towards this current girl will only lead you further down the cheaters way, and if that is what you are looking for, sorry, can't help.

[Sarah691607309662]

I would be curious to know what it is that her bf delivers to her? Is it money to buy this house? Just thinking.

 

I do not think she is a very good person. Not because she is cheating emotionally on her bf (sending pics from fitting rooms and along romantic dinner is emotional cheating even in my opinion), but because she invited her bf to this dinner with you. She just handled you both. She asked your mouth shut and she did not pay attention to her bf. Who knows why. May be she told him that this is a guy who is crazy about her and a boss somewhat so she can not be rude withhim, but she asks him to come to this dinner so this guy (you) will get the message.

 

if a girl is in steady r/s which she does not want to break, it is not very fitting to drive around with another man with a head on his shoulder. This act alone requires some explanation. Why you did not ask her why she is doing it? It seems to me that she kept pushing your boundaries until it was pleasing for her and then when she was 100% sure she "had you", she lost her interest. In other words it seems that she was exercising her power over you and had her kicks from that.

 

If I were you, I would get very angry with myself and her. I would extract all possible roots of this infatuation because it seems to me that everything was just a big show and nothing real. I would wish her the best with her bf and move on.

[Sportster2005]

You need to start thinking with your big head and not your little head. That is all.

[anonymous1984]

OK, as I said I knew I would get flamed for this.

 

It was allways her initiating contact, so I don't think I went looking for it.

 

For a long time, I thought she was a naive young girl and that we were just having a really close friendship.

 

It was only at the moment she asked me not to tell anything to her boyfriend that I started thinking she had alternative motives. (bear in mind I'm slow at picking up signals, I only got it from my ex when she literally jumped on me). until that moment, I thought he was fully aware of our bound. Bear in mind she would often be texting me the wole evening and night while being next to him, so it never occurred to me that he wouldn't know anything about it.

 

For the moment, I only contact her when professionally required.

[mhowe]

Not quite sure how the big 4 think of infidelity and relationships in the work place...especially their executives.

[LC8328]

So, you flirted with each other incessantly at work, and she sends you pics from the dressing room...and you didn't think it was inappropriate until she asked you not to tell her boyfriend?

 

Well, regardless, as Sportster advised, you need to start thinking this through objectively.

 

In response to your questions:

 

1) She was flirting with you. This is not the same as being interested in you. She flirted with you because she knew you'd respond. You fed her ego. So, no, she's not interested in you.

2) The contact stopped because you are the (emotional) affair, and as such you can only be in contact with her when it is convenient for her. The fact that she asked you not to tell her boyfriend about all the time spent together means she's well aware that your friendship has crossed some boundaries that the BF would be uncomfortable with. Therefore, this was an emotional affair.

3) There was never a window of opportunity. She's in a relationship; there is no window.

4) I don't understand your question on how to regain her trust. She's the one who'd asked you to withhold information from her boyfriend.

 

 

All-in-all, perhaps it would be better to put a little distance between the two of you and give yourself some time.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh; it is not my intent. I'm just trying to be realistic with you. Good luck.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm not going to flame you, but I do have to ask you this: doesn't it give you even a moment's pause to stop and think that this woman who you think is so wonderful, is able to cheat right under the nose of a guy who (to his face anyway) she professes to love and be living with aka the boyfriend. Doesn't her lack of loyalty and boundaries bother you? Doesn't the fact that they aren't married, don't have kids and she could have walked away and gotten herself free of entanglements before she got together with you bother you in the slightest?

 

Don't you ever look at her and say to yourself, "Some day she will likely be doing the same to me..." Seriously, some day you won't be the new exciting guy any more. You'll be just good ol' anonymous and there'll be a new young hot guy at work that she is suddenly smiling and flirting with while you sit in a corner getting ignored. You my dear, are being played big time. Surprised in this day and age you just don't see it. I'm not judging, I'm telling you this from hard-won experience that this is what will happen.

 

I don't understand why people don't seem to get the memo yet--winning the attentions of a cheater isn't winning at all.