What was your experience with a manipulator?

[Ladytmt]

A man who is emotionally abusive, controlling, and a deceitful liar? Possibly uses his finances to control and keep someone at home, cheats, wants to know about other men in your life or you shouldn't talk to other men as friends, wants u to answer the phone on a certain ring, can be rude, disrespectful, Etc. but come off as charming, sensitive, and attractive when u meet them...are these guys mentally ill!? Do men with missing fathers growing up often turn out this way? Is this the same as a sociopath? Is substance abuse usually involved? I think i was attracted to this type of guy. I have stopped communication but just curious of other peoples experiences.

[Alittlelost]

Often these guys (and girls) come from many walks of life. Substance abuse can be involved especially alcohol and violence but it's rarely involved in pure emotional abuse. They can have personality disorders such as narsasism or be incredibly insecure themselves but often it's just traits not true ICD-10 personality disorder. It can be learnt behaviour from watching parents, lack of role model or just that way. It's not normally mental illness or sociopathy. True sociopaths are rare.

These types are often attracted to insecure people they can control as their initial affection hooks them BUT I know a gorgeous police officer who married an emotional abuser.

[Ladytmt]

Often these guys (and girls) come from many walks of life. Substance abuse can be involved especially alcohol and violence but it's rarely involved in pure emotional abuse. They can have personality disorders such as narsasism or be incredibly insecure themselves but often it's just traits not true ICD-10 personality disorder. It can be learnt behaviour from watching parents, lack of role model or just that way. It's not normally mental illness or sociopathy. True sociopaths are rare.

These types are often attracted to insecure people they can control as their initial affection hooks them BUT I know a gorgeous police officer who married an emotional abuser.

 

Ok thanks for your input. The guy i speak of did not have his father growing up, i really think he's mentally ill and doesn't recognize it as such.

[Clio]

Ok thanks for your input. The guy i speak of did not have his father growing up, i really think he's mentally ill and doesn't recognize it as such.

 

It may be so, but your real issue is to find and fix whatever within your own upbringing led you to put up with his crap enough for him to hurt you rather than whatever was wrong with him. Whatever was wrong with him does not really matter. You need to stop focussing on him and bring your focus to you. You cannot control how other people treat you but you CAN control learning not to put up with emotional abuse regardless of where it stems from.

[Ladytmt]

A man who is emotionally abusive, controlling, and a deceitful liar? Possibly uses his finances to control and keep someone at home, cheats, wants to know about other men in your life or you shouldn't talk to other men as friends, wants u to answer the phone on a certain ring, can be rude, disrespectful, Etc. but come off as charming, sensitive, and attractive when u meet them...are these guys mentally ill!? Do men with missing fathers growing up often turn out this way? Is this the same as a sociopath? Is substance abuse usually involved? I think i was attracted to this type of guy. I have stopped communication but just curious of other peoples experiences.

 

Wow i see everything i post is gonna be an attack against me from u! Thanks guess i wont post here ever again!!!

[Clio]

If you are referring to me, what I wrote was not meant as an attack. Apologies. I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse and I lost valuable time trying to analyze the perpetrator. What I wrote was my own conclusion regarding that experience and how much of a waste of time analyzing him was to me.

[Seraphim]

My dad was a person like that. He had a dad at home. Most likely people like this were abused at home as kids.

[Binoo]

I dated a man for several years who had all these behaviours. He lost his mother at 13 and his father has never been in his life. His step father licked him out shortly after his mother passed but not before he was exposed to a lot of inappropriate sexual behaviors. He was a recovering alcoholic and a textbook narcissist. Extremely verbally, sexually and emotionally abusive towards women.

[Limiya]

My current boyfriend grew up without a father and he's wonderful. My ex however was very manipulative and had a lot of traits that point to Narcissism, but he grew up with two parents and a loving home.

So i don't think that necessarily means anything.

It's just the way they are. You can't change them.

 

I went through a long time analyzing what was wrong with him, but without a diagnosis you never really have an answer.

In the end i concentrated on myself and my life and moving on.

 

Good luck

[Hollyj]

Wow i see everything i post is gonna be an attack against me from u! Thanks guess i wont post here ever again!!!

 

Clio is right! You can't chsnge him , but you must recognize what brought you to this situation. If you don't address your own issues, you will certainly repeat. Guarenteed.

 

Usually, when one is so defensive, is when they know the advice is true, yet refuse to make inner change due to fear .

 

Please seek some counseling to understand what brought you to that guy.

[mhowe]

I dated a similar man. He was brought up in a loving home and was given every advantage in the world. His brothers are great guys...he became an abusive, self absorbed d-bag.

[reinventmyself]

My recent ex was very sweet and charming on the onset. Slowly and subtlety little comments startedd, then the corrections and rules came into play. Lastly the manipulation and coercion.

I was married to a narcissist for 16 yrs. This last relationship threw me back into therapy once again needing to figure out why I am a moth to a flame with these types and why I didn't spot it on the onset.

Others are correct. Trying to figure them out is a pointless time waster. Use this as an opportunity to learn something about yourself