Ex got engaged and getting married in a couple of weeks

[scorpio4567]

So, the day is here that I am dreadful the most. Yesterday, through a common friend got to know that my ex got engaged. And what did I do immediately, I stalked her on fb. Saw the picture she posted and bammmm ... all the emotions that I tried best to bury came out all at once. Felt really really crappy all night, couldn't sleep. May be because I feel like a loser as my ex moved on and I haven't.

 

Any suggestions? Why do I feel like this? What do I do? Its high time I move on, its been 1.5yrs already. How did you guys handle such a situation?

[kuteknish]

I feel for you.. It's VERY hard to see hear this, and with social media, it makes it so accessible to just click and SEE it too..

I completely sympathize with you.. Not only is my ex married now, but I had to see the entire thing happening as we live two blocks away from one another and go to the same gym.. BEST thing I ever did was block both of them on FB so there was. NO temptation... Also ask your friends not to bring her up or anything about what they see online.

Hang in there.. It's taken me a very long time to get to a place of indifference..

[pippy longstocking]

There is no time frame for getting over a person and it must have been devastating to hear this when you havent yet reached a place of indifference . You as well kuteknish . You suddenly become privvy to an event you wanted to be doing yourself not watching someone now do it with the person you are trying to get over .

 

You have to do as kuteknish says and ask your friends not to plaque you with it and you have to be the author of your own story now and resist looking . Hugs xxxx

[can1328]

So, the day is here that I am dreadful the most. Yesterday, through a common friend got to know that my ex got engaged. And what did I do immediately, I stalked her on fb. Saw the picture she posted and bammmm ... all the emotions that I tried best to bury came out all at once. Felt really really crappy all night, couldn't sleep. May be because I feel like a loser as my ex moved on and I haven't.

 

Any suggestions? Why do I feel like this? What do I do? Its high time I move on, its been 1.5yrs already. How did you guys handle such a situation?

 

This is my biggest fear for the future. I don't have much advice but will only give you my best wishes. Hang in there, I imagine this pain will go away quickly as it's been 1.5 years and assume you've healed a considerable amount. Block them completely and focus on moving on with your life.

[tattoobunnie]

It's because you want what you can't have, even though you may totally not want her at all.

 

I'm happily married, and even though I married, and had a baby prior...it was still shocking to see my big ex had gotten married too last year. Granted, he also got divorced essentially 6 months later!! Um, hello!!! HAH! Not on the bride. I'm sure she's lovely.

 

It just brings up questions on what made them different. It will pass. Just remind yourself of the things you want in a partner, and remember, she was not the one for you.

[90_hour_sleep]

Tough place to be. It hurts.

 

There's an awesome flip side though. No more delusions. No more illusions of getting back together...or going back to something that once was. There's finality in that. And, as much as it hurts, it'll push you towards what you really need...which is letting go...accepting. It'll be tough for awhile. Try to stay with what you're feeling. Let it all come. Let it all be there. Let yourself hurt for awhile. Give yourself permission to do that. I think you'll find that your healing process will really be accelerated now.

 

You'll get through it. We all do. I think it's one of the ways we connect with others...through our shared pain.

[pippy longstocking]

Tough place to be. It hurts.

 

There's an awesome flip side though. No more delusions. No more illusions of getting back together...or going back to something that once was. There's finality in that. And, as much as it hurts, it'll push you towards what you really need...which is letting go...accepting. It'll be tough for awhile. Try to stay with what you're feeling. Let it all come. Let it all be there. Let yourself hurt for awhile. Give yourself permission to do that. I think you'll find that your healing process will really be accelerated now.

 

You'll get through it. We all do. I think it's one of the ways we connect with others...through our shared pain.

 

thats a very nice and very thought provoking post 90 ...and very very true ...hope you well fella x

[shessofly]

i'm sorry for your pain. what has helped me tremendously was getting off facebook entirely. if you can't bring yourself to block them i would strongly suggest removing yourself altogether. sometimes the temptation to take a peek is just too strong! in the few months that have i have been off i have found that i haven't missed it at all. my ex got his new gf that he overlapped me with pregnant only 6 months into the relationship...ouch!

 

as the others said tell your friends not to share any details of your ex's life with you. did you need to know he was getting married? absolutely not. you were just fine not knowing. there was one person in particular who i had to tell that to over and over again, and you may have to do the same. she finally got it, i no longer have to avoid her, and no one else has said a word to me about him in months. I also stopped getting wrapped up in conversations about him with others. those convos never lead to a satisfying answer anyway.

 

besides...when it's over it's over and nothing they do matters anymore as far as you or i are concerned. so what if they get married, have six kids, get divorced, move to Timbuktu...it really doesn't matter anymore.

 

i am sorry you are hurting. total and complete no contact (including no social media peeking) is very helpful in the healing process. hope you feel better soon.

[scorpio4567]

Thanks for all the suggestions ppl.

 

I did block her after the breakup 1.5yrs ago. I went a step further and blocked her friends too so that I stop seeing her in my feed. But yesterday, I created a fake profile just to look at the pic. Curiosity got me. Although I feel I am much better looking than the guy she ended up engaging with. Lol!

 

Guys, I have been a sensitive guy all the while. I just cannot forget things that easily, call it a curse, whatever!

 

I dont believe in God, but at the same time I don't know what did I do to deserve such pain. Feelings no body I can share with, nobody to open upto. I just cannot digest the fact that after taking care of someone like a baby, how can someone move on so easily and quickly? I just dont know how? Its not even a yr since we last saw each other. May be its relative for person to person.

 

I just want to experience happiness again, be happy, right now feels like a mirage.

[shessofly]

well, as far as questioning what you did to deserve this, the answer is likely nothing. it is just life. you go through, i go through, everyone will experience some sort of heartbreak in life. hard times fall on us all - no one escapes. people have choices, your ex chose to do what she did and unfortunately her choices caused you pain. so it's not a matter of what you did to deserve this, this is the effect of the free will of another person. people move on. you are left hurting and wondering why, feeling rejected. it sucks but you can't allow that to destroy your future. your future is in front of you, stop looking back.

 

you don't have anyone to talk to? no one at all? family, friends, counselor...absolutely no one? you do need to get those emotions out. if you have no one to talk to maybe you should try journaling. everyone heals at a different pace, but it is very important what you do with the time after the breakup in order to heal. at some point you will have to stop allowing thoughts of your ex to consume you. i don't know a lot about how you have handled things but for me the hardest part was not allowing thoughts of him to get out of control and consume me. i read your first post and it looks like our breakups happened around the same time.

 

i think there is a time in the beginning where you let those feelings overwhelm you..."feel" them out but at some point you have to start using some techniques to train yourself not to obsess over it anymore. the hardest part is getting control of the thoughts. there is nothing wrong with being sensitive and no one would expect you to just forget it ever happened, but think about what you are letting roll around in your mind over and over and over and see what you can do to start diverting your thoughts elsewhere.

 

you blocked her on facebook, that's a great start. what else are you doing? do you have a social life? do you have an outlet such as a gym or some other activity to go to? you have to get busy living life if you aren't doing so already. you'll be in a much better position for a future relationship if you use this time to develop yourself, get some hobbies...just get out there and try some new things, make friends if you have none, etc. in time you will come out of the fog and enjoy life again. be kind to yourself, there is no set timeline for healing, but do what you can to help the process along.

 

do you feel this bad all the time or was it just this news that set you back?

[scorpio4567]

To be very honest, since past 1.5yr not a single day passed by where in my ex did not cross my mind. Although, deep down I know that its over and all, it still does feel very fresh and raw. There have been many days where in I see my ex in my dreams at night, then wake-up and boom, start of a bad day. This is happening still though! Over the past 1.5yrs there were some terrible days, some bad days, few good days. I am unable to experience happiness. Its like a part of me has been teared apart. I do have a few friends with whom I share now and then but I never really felt they understood the gravity of my sadness.

 

I do have decent social life I guess. I am trying to stay busy, changed jobs thinking that it will be a welcome change which would help me to move on, but when ever I go to sleep every-night she does cross my mind. I search for answers on why should I go though all this pain, why should I be in the receiving end after taking so much care, what did I do wrong and all.

 

Just around the same time last year, she said she doesn't have a choice, said sorry and all. I am sure she must have spent at-least a couple of months with her new fiance before saying yes for the engagement/ wedding. I am also shocked that it just took her couple of months to get over me, which makes me even more mad because that tells me that it was east for her to let go, meaning I was played to some extent. I dont know if I am right or wrong on this, but I certainly do believe that she doesn't have any remorse.

 

How can someone live their life knowing that they have hurt a person?

[pippy longstocking]

How can someone live their life knowing that they have hurt a person?

 

 

but darling ......how can a person live their life with the wrong person .... as hard as it is ...she might have been your right person in your eyes , but you wasn't hers ...and she had to move forward and find happiness ..she has a right to that ..we all do .

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with shooting star. It's torture to stay in a relationship with someone just to avoid hurting them.

 

What you are describing might be depression and I think it is really important for you to see a mental health professional. Good luck.

[scorpio4567]

but darling ......how can a person live their life with the wrong person .... as hard as it is ...she might have been your right person in your eyes , but you wasn't hers ...and she had to move forward and find happiness ..she has a right to that ..we all do .

 

Sorry, but I have to disagree. The main pillar in any relationship from what I can understand is to think about 'we' and not 'I'.

 

To me one who says that they don't have a choice means they are shying away from the responsibility.

 

We dated for good 2.5 yrs. and lots, literally lots of ILU's from her. And all of us sudden one day she realizes she won't find happiness with me. Sounds BS to me!

[90_hour_sleep]

Sorry, but I have to disagree. The main pillar in any relationship from what I can understand is to think about 'we' and not 'I'.

 

To me one who says that they don't have a choice means they are shying away from the responsibility.

 

We dated for good 2.5 yrs. and lots, literally lots of ILU's from her. And all of us sudden one day she realizes she won't find happiness with me. Sounds BS to me!

 

There's a relationship that consists of a 'we'...and it's made up of distinct individuals...the ''I's". It's we...and it's I. It's both. And both are critically important. Humans require some autonomy. Personal time. Time to connect with self. We also need connections. Friendships. Partners. Family. It's the mix of everything that allows people to find happiness together. Even that is no guarantee though, because we're all evolving. People change. Some people commit to enduring through that change. And they're good at it. For whatever reason, they decide that whatever happens in life, they're going to choose to see it through with the other. That's pretty cool. But it's not for everyone. And, it's especially not for everyone who is ''dating''. That's the whole point of dating. It's a time to gather information...information that is needed in order to come to that honest, gut feeling that says, ''I want to be with this person.''

 

It's worth asking yourself why you would choose to be with someone who no longer wants to be with you. How does that choice serve you? How would it serve her? It's a disaster waiting to happen. Likely a miserable way to live...for both involved. Is there some part of you that knows that? I've noticed in my own breakups (from both sides), that there's something in me that knows it's the right thing. It's easier when it's been my choice to see that...but it's the same when it's not my choice. The underlying feeling is the same. Some part of me intuitively knows that we weren't a good fit...and that we needed to part ways for both our sakes.

 

You'll get to that place. I think that's the ultimate goal of the healing process. It's a realization that it was necessary...and important. It's a part of your journey. One way or another, it's an important contribution to your life. And it's the same for her.

 

Holding on is a choice. So is letting go. At some point you have to make your own choice.

[Telly986]

I went through this recently when an ex started dating someone else so I know how it feels. I fell apart and had no appetite .It hurt like hell since I am still single and haven't connected with anyone but he has.I know it hurts right now but the feeling will pass

[scorpio4567]

I went through this recently when an ex started dating someone else so I know how it feels. I fell apart and had no appetite .It hurt like hell since I am still single and haven't connected with anyone but he has.I know it hurts right now but the feeling will pass

 

I cant really explain the excruciating pain I feel right now. I feel like a total looser. I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel and its been 1.5yrs already.

[blair17]

Im going through the same thing right this very moment. I did the dumping though but it still hurts like hell. I know hes not right for me thats why i broke up with him. I still love him though. Seeing him with someone else after just 2 months after the break up is painful.

 

First few weeks after finding out about this i did every advices i can get. I started exercising, hanging out with friends etc. Just basically trying to block out the pain. Didnt work for me though.

 

Right now i felt like im back to zero, the pain is still as fresh as the first day i found out, soi guess the best thing to do is just feel it. Absorb it. And maybe, hopefully someday the pain will slowly fade away.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry, but I have to disagree. The main pillar in any relationship from what I can understand is to think about 'we' and not 'I'.

 

To me one who says that they don't have a choice means they are shying away from the responsibility.

 

We dated for good 2.5 yrs. and lots, literally lots of ILU's from her. And all of us sudden one day she realizes she won't find happiness with me. Sounds BS to me!

 

My mother always taught me that dating was about figuring out who you wanted a relationship with. And a relationship is a test for figuring out who you want to marry. Marriage is the "we" and the lifelong commitment and the team ... not dating.

 

If you were married, then you are obligated to work things through. But relationships are far more voluntary.

[scorpio4567]

My mother always taught me that dating was about figuring out who you wanted a relationship with. And a relationship is a test for figuring out who you want to marry. Marriage is the "we" and the lifelong commitment and the team ... not dating.

 

If you were married, then you are obligated to work things through. But relationships are far more voluntary.

 

I agree that dating and marriage are two completely different things. No doubt on that. But I kinda disagree b/w 'relationship(long term)' and 'marriage'

 

Once you get 'into' a relationship, and you are at a point where you consider it a 'long term', should you not start to think on being a 'we' rather than a 'I'?. Tell me one thing, what is a marriage other than 'social acceptance'? Hence, I do get mad when I hear stories about people pulling out from long term relationships because one fine morning one of them realize that its not going to work out. Instead, you should think on how to make it work.

 

My ex is engaged, will get married soon. There is NOTHING I can do about it. She moved on, found somebody. But I will not forgive her for being in a long term relationship and pulled out because she did not have a 'choice'. Yeah, 2 months into relationship, I would be kool with it. People pulling out of long term relationships like my ex doesn't have any clue how catastrophic it would be on the dumpee. Is it too much to expect to fight off the hurdles to stay together after being in a long term relationship? Or am I twisted in some way?

[Batya33]

When I was in long term relationships I thought of the two of us as a we but it was very different from being married, including the work/effort I would put in to make things work. If I had been in a long term relationship and we had a child together and lived together then I would have worked as hard as if we were married. Getting married had nothing to do with "social acceptance" and it means far far more than that to my husband and me. Often in a long term relationship the person who leaves believes they have tried to work on things internally or they believe they have brought up concerns but that those concerns were dismissed or not listened to carefully.

 

I am sorry you learned about the engagement -I know that is hard news to hear. I hope you feel better soon.

[shessofly]

this is your opinion, so not everyone thinks like this. many people come to a place where they aren’t happy and aren’t interested in working on the relationship anymore, something just doesn’t fit for them. maybe you could view it this way – thank goodness someone whose values weren’t the same as mine has set me free to find someone who values relationships the same way I do and will hang in there til there’s absolutely no other alternative but to leave each other…?

 

alternatively, you can impose your own beliefs on her forever and stay stuck. at a year and a half out of the relationship maybe you should consider letting this go so you can move on with your own life. you aren’t hurting her – she is not concerned with your lack of forgiveness toward her, so why not let this go for yourself? this way of thinking is holding you back.

 

could she have done more? maybe, but sometimes “it” is just not there for the other person. you may find yourself in those shoes someday.

 

it left you hurt, but she was obviously not happy in the relationship. do you really want someone to be with you like that? maybe you do because it would keep you from hurting, but they would be miserable. this is not because there’s something wrong with you, it just wasn’t the right fit for her. i’m sorry you feel this way and i hope you find peace.

[villagehero]

9 year relationship. 1 child together. never married. It might not seem like it, but be thankful that there are no bonds that tie you two together anymore. My ex has been in a relationship since we broke up, and it has taken me twice as long it seems to move on. It's over a year since we broke up, but I still have to engage her and talk to her for co-parenting sake.

 

I love my daughter with all my soul and wouldn't change it, but if it wasn't for her keeping us together this process would actually allow some true healing given only by time and distance.

 

It's now a continuous suppression of feelings and emotions that can never see the light of day only to make the sadness I carry a lot heavier. I don't like the person that I've become towards her but I know of no other way to deal with the pain of being reminded of what could of been.

 

Ultimately it's your own perception of things that has to shift. If things aren't budging externally then work on making the viewer shift internally.

 

Gratitude is key. Be strong and present here.

 

VH

[growfrompain]

I cant really explain the excruciating pain I feel right now. I feel like a total looser. I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel and its been 1.5yrs already.

 

I don't think you ever tried to fully let go. The fact that you have been in touch through a mutual friend tells me a part of you was always keeping hope. I lived with an ex gf for 7 years, said she didn't want kids. We broke up, she met someone and had a kid within a year. However, I did not feel any pain, it did not bother me. Why? Because I made it clear to all my friends I did not want to hear a thing about her, Nothing! Therefore, I didn't find this out until 3 years later. By then I was already over it. Point is, make it clear to your friend or friends to never bring her up. Get rid of anything in your house that reminds you of her. Pretend she's dead. It's hard to imagine making though but you will.

[Lucha]

Scorpio, I get what you're saying and share your opinion. I think too often people just wade their ways through the easiest parts of life. And when things get tough, they bail out to someone new and a situation that isnt that complicated yet. It is awful having to hear the one you still love (god knows why, after doing all this to you) is getting engaged with another. Use the anger to get through this.

 

 

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