ex/current/gf trouble

[Btmnk21]

I am having relationship trouble and would appreciate advice, sorry that this is so long.

 

The background story..

 

I am 31 and dated this girl, let’s call her L, who is 26, for 10 months starting last October. This summer in August we broke up due to constant fighting. It hurt me and I did a lot of soul searching and self-improvement (gym, therapy). For her it hurt too, but she sought refuge with another guy after 1 week, call him J. Someone my opposite (an outgoing, partier, heavy drinker) and very much like her. The weeks following our breakup she was constantly contacting me and I knew she was not over me.

 

Three weeks ago she contacted me and I told her to stop unless her and the other guy ended things. Two days later they ended things and she started contacting me. We have been taking it slow, getting to know each other, starting to date again. It has been going very well with our past fights not really happening.

 

Current issue…

 

The three days ago she told me she doesn’t want to hurt me and cares for me. She said she needs to hang out with J one more time to see what she feels. A few hours before saying that she changed our Sunday football game plans to be just her and friends at her friend’s house. I became suspicious.

 

Then two days ago she admitted that on Sunday she would be hanging out with J for the game at her friends. I told her to do what she needed to do, but I was obviously not happy about it. She offered to not hangout with him, but I said she should or she would resent me. While driving her home she told me she loved me, which only made matters worse in my head. I think she wanted me to say I love you back, but I didn’t.

 

Now yesterday I ignored her during the day for the most part. Then in the afternoon she sent me a text saying she wasn’t going to see J, and I said “what do you mean?” and she said “well he hasn’t responded to my texts”. This made me angry because she hadn’t changed any plans, she was just venting her frustration to me at his lack of reply. In the end J did not show up at her friend’s house, and during the game she asked me to pick her up after the game because she was too drunk to drive. I arrived to pick her up and she was drunk, being obnoxious, ignoring me for the most part. Her drunken behavior combined with her actions over the past few days wore down my patience and on the drive home I was silent and cold to her. I felt used (for the ride) and angry about her and J.

 

When we arrived at my house she wanted to watch TV and I wanted to go bed. I told her she could watch TV, turned it on, and walked up the stairs to get ready. I should have known better because she does not like to be alone - and this child-like behavior is made worse when she has been drinking. She yelled up at me and I came back down stairs. However the damage was done and she started yelling at me, and then she grabbed her things and walked out the front door to “walk to her car” (her car at this point was 20 miles away and it was 10PM). I told her to stop and calm down, but it was useless she left. In total this was probably the 8th time she’s done something like that so I shouldn’t have been surprised. I waited a few minutes, shocked and angry, and then got into my car to try to find her.

 

After 10 minutes of searching I called her and she said she was fine and would go to sleep now. She wouldn’t tell me where she was so I had had enough and returned home. When I opened my porch door she was hiding in the corner, apparently having returned while I was out looking. She was now acting more child-like and acting terrified of me. She wouldn’t come in the house and I begged her to. After several minutes I gave up and told her the door would be unlocked. After a few more minutes she came inside.

 

Now what happened next is a bit of a jumble. I’ll my best to summarize.

 

- She laid on the couch and begged me to drive her to her car so she could drive home (I refused- she was drunk)

- She screamed at me to drive her to her car

- She said if she was my ex-gf I would have watched TV with her. I sarcastically said “you’re right oh my god how did you know” and she then repeated how she was right and screamed at me more. Stupid mistake on my part thinking a drunk person would get sarcasm.

- She told me she hated me

- She told me she loved me

- She told me she loved J and wanted to be with him

- She wanted me to hug her and hold her

- She flipped over the coffee table

- She screamed at me some more

- She told me she wasn’t drunk over and over

- She wanted her phone so she could call a friend to get her and started screaming (she had her phone in her pocket)

 

Somewhere during all of this I broke down and started to cry. I mean I really wanted it to work between her and I, and to me she was throwing it all away in her drunken state. After crying I was just angry with her and went upstairs to go to bed. All of this transpired over a 90 minute period. She followed a short time later and eventually we fell asleep.

 

I am looking for advice on what to do. This type of episode happened a lot during our relationship and it scared and hurt me to see it again last night. This morning she was apologetic, but I called her out for not really apologizing for some of the things she said and did. Then a short while ago she was texting me, very worried that I was cutting her off and wouldn’t let her get her belongings from my house later. I assured her I would, but was on the fence about us.

 

She called me and we spoke, and somehow she flipped the table and became very angry with me. Basically it was my behavior when we got home, me trying to punish her by taking away the TV show that caused all the problems. There is some truth in that, I was upset about her behavior at her friends and from earlier, and yes that did cause me to not want to watch the TV show, but I don’t know, that doesn’t seem 100% fair. So right now I don’t know what to do…

 

- Stay and work it out

- Involve her friends- write them a letter much this post so they understand. Her family is not very involved nor understanding and I don’t think could help her much.

- Leave her and just be done with it

- Some combination of the above

[CraigHowes]

Yea she's mental. You leave her alone and be thankful that you don't have to deal with her drama and craziness anymore.

 

I was in your shoes to a point i would chase her down the road trying to calm her down because she thought i cared about my brother more than her. She was completely mentally unstable and i got out of there sharpish.

 

It will take a while to heal because your brain will wonder where is all the drama has gone but in time it'll adjust and you'll find peace.

 

Can you imagine a future with this woman not knowing when she is going to next fly off the handle and go crazy.

 

Save yourself i did and it sets you up to appreciate when you have a good relationship on the go.

[SooSad33]

"I am looking for advice on what to do. This type of episode happened a lot during our relationship and it scared and hurt me to see it again last night"

- NOTHING had been fixed at all, between you two in your time 'apart' and now there's a guy involved.

 

Your Ex is NOT stable at this time. She's messed up & confused. this is not a time to think of anything with her, future wise.

 

I feel it's time for you to back off. Let her go do what she wants now and give her NO more of yourself.

She has some work to do... you two had problems and they have NOT been dealt with.

 

Even if she broke it off with this other guy, she's still damaged, mentally & emotionally from the BU's.

No way is she running on a clear mind.

 

So, take care of you. Let her go.

 

tc

[Jehst1987]

She's crazy at the moment. She's not emotionally stable. She wants to have her cake and eat it. Youre letting Her by giving her the option of exploring things with J also. She's playing you both. You're being more available then J and my instinct is she'll want your kindness but she's find J more of a challenge and attractive as he's not letting her play the game you are.

 

I've been in your shoes. So similar. I got fed up of letting myself being taken for an absolute mug. These girls are manipulative and entitled. You don't see how she's turning it all back on you? Her behaviour has been dramatic and massively disrespectful. Don't let yourself be taken for anymore of a fool. Yes you have feelings for her, but you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone like this. You're not compatible. I don't think she's looking for the type of relationship you're willing to offer.

Either write to her and tell her you're done (be prepared for the manipulation again) or better still go completely no contact. Her behaviour warrants it. She may kick off, but deep down she knows she deserves it and she'll respect you for standing up for yourself at last. It actually takes the P how she's treated you! So disrespectful and you've stood there and let her do it. I'm not blaming you, I did the same, but eventually wised up. Do the same. She's contact you every so often saying she misses you, loves you, blah blah but you know she doesn't love you in a healthy way. She's an attention seeker.

[tattoobunnie]

Holy cow OP! She is a total cookadoo. RUN OP RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!

 

Be honest, can you picture marrying this a-hole butt-munch, hose-beast?

 

If she loved you, she wouldn't be making plans to go bang someone else, while you wait around to play chauffeur.

 

Collect all her stuff, leave it in front of her door where she lives with a note that says, "it's not working out. Don't call me again."

 

She is so nuts - beyond nuts. I usually aim to see both sides with every post, but man, she is so crazy, and the fact that you think you can fix this, I am in disbelief.

 

You can't fix crazy. You can only agree to buy it, or you're the one selling it.

[Cadence44]

I am looking for advice on what to do. This type of episode happened a lot during our relationship and it scared and hurt me to see it again last night.

 

Darlin', this is the type of seriously unbalanced woman who calls in a false domestic violence report and ruins your life.

 

There is absolutely no way to have a happy and emotionally healthy future with her; she is seriously unwell, and she will never be well. Also, many of your behaviors are enabling of her mental issues. Being with her is not good for you.

 

Oh, wait, no "she was drunk", so all of this is normal-ish, right? No, when people are drunk, they are less able to filter themselves. This crazy that you see is always there under the surface; she can just conceal it better when she isn't drunk. I see hints in it with her bouncing around on her opinion on the other guy.

 

So, no happiness will ever be found with her. You're used to her, she's familiar, that's the only attraction on your part.

 

If you stay, she will escalate to calling the cops on you, and they will believe her over you. She's female, you're male, that's what happens. If you'd like to sacrifice your ENTIRE FUTURE to keep playing house with looney tunes here, then go for it. But I get the sense that you're smarter than that.

[metrogirl]

So you have an angry unstable girlfriend and you want to know what to do?