Still trying to figure out what happened

[imagepoem]

Thanks in advance to anyone who has insights to share. I just ended a relationship of 1.5 years with my girlfriend. When I met her and she seemed interested in me I was so excited. She was smart, beautiful and had a wicked sense of humor that I immediately adored. I was instantly charmed. She was also very candid about her past. She had been sober for 8 years after having bouts of alcoholism, she had been physically abused by her father who disciplined her violently and both of her parents expected and demanded perfection from her and she had experienced a rape. What I leaned about her past, instantly multiplied my admiration. I fell in love with this tough woman who carried herself with grace, who had overcome so many challenges.

 

In the beginning she would call me and need me to hold her while she cried or walk with her while she vented about her stress at work. I felt honored that she would turn to me. But even at that time I found it strange that she would become ly and reject my bids for affection. She would literally bolt away from me when I approached her. She would strategically position herself to avoid me. I'm a person who needs affection and this rejection was devastating but I tried to tolerate it because I felt maybe she needed time to develop trust.

 

In the beginning we tried various activities to share time together. What often happened would be that we would be engaged in cooking together or some other activity and we would be discussing what we were doing and she would lose her temper with me. It seemed to come out of the blue. All I needed to do was have an opinion or inclination different from hers and she would become angry as if I had insulted her. These moments would live on in infamy without any forgiveness. I was baffled because I never meant disrespect by having my own opinion, and I thought she must recognize how much I respected and adored her. Indeed I told her many times how I admired and respected her. Soon she wouldn't cook with me. She wouldn't work out with me. Everything I hoped to share with her had slowly been taken off the table.

 

Things didn't change. She withheld affection and attention from me. She seemed to always be annoyed with me. About every two weeks, my frustration would get to the point that we would have to sit down and have a long tense discussion about the lack of affection and what we could do about it. I offered suggestions and she placated me. But then the efforts we agreed to try would get blown off.

 

After a 1.5 years of having affection withheld, angry outbursts, and disparaging comments I finally felt compelled to end it. The part that hurts the most is that when we had our final heated discussion and I broke up with her, I felt like she was trying to corner me into pulling the plug on our relationship. She actually laughed at me when she had me cornered into it. This hurt me terribly because I tried so hard to find a way to make things work between us. Its been three months and I'm still heartbroken. I've never had my confidence shaken so badly.

[kbbcoop77]

Sorry that happened to you. Or sounds like she has some seriously unresolved issues. Feel good knowing you were there for her for over a year and a half. But it sounds like breaking up was the right thing to do for your own happiness and sanity, right? And breakups hurt, no doubt about it. Good luck

[imagepoem]

I should feel better, right? Instead I feel guilty for not being able to solve our problems and I feel rejected. I'm also angry that she stopped participating in our relationship and I had to be the one to end it. The kindest thing to do is to let someone go swiftly if you cant be loving to them in the way that they deserve.

[kbbcoop77]

You know, some things are just not meant to be. You tried your best that's all you can do, just move forward now and find your own happiness, don't get stuck dwelling in the past.

[catfeeder]

I should feel better, right? Instead I feel guilty for not being able to solve our problems and I feel rejected. I'm also angry that she stopped participating in our relationship and I had to be the one to end it. The kindest thing to do is to let someone go swiftly if you cant be loving to them in the way that they deserve.

 

You're trying to rationalize what a healthy person would do--and she's not healthy.

 

You know all of this already, so don't spin yourself into feeling good about feeling bad. It won't get you anywhere. Lean into your grief, yes, but don't overlook the obvious in order to feel lousy over stuff you not only couldn't fix but should have walked away from a long time ago.

 

We can't 'fix' other people with our love--that's an inside job, and it can't happen according to our calendar FOR them.

 

Head high.

[SooSad33]

It all takes time.. to grieve.

Yes, rejection really hurts and you're hurting here. But, what you can do is admit you 'tried'. As for her issue's, there was nothing YOU could do for her.

It came to affect your relationship in the end.

 

You're a decent guy and you tried. It's okay.

For now, you have work on accepting & healing from all of this. It has put you back a bit mentally & emotionally.

Give it all time. You will start to feel a bit better in time.. a few months.

 

This is all normal after a BU. The many emotions, etc.

Sadly you two weren't compatible & it didn't work... Relationships take time & work. Not all work out.

 

One day at a time.

 

tc