Maemay Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 i have expended all my resources for relationship advice during our last argument and decided to see if anyone can offer some advice. I am completely at a standstill about what to do about my relationship What set it off this time was total lack of support from my common law spouse recently. This part may sound bad but this what happened: My spouse smokes "recreationally" and he asked me if he could have some money for his habit. I had bruised my tailbone in a fall a few weeks back and housework was not being done up to par....so i agreed to give him the money if he would take the weekend to help with the housework, which was quite the extensive list of laundry, dishes, floors and bathrooms. He finished all the laundry in one night, but the rest of the work remained undone come Monday. Monday evening he appeared to be doing the dishes only to leave them still soaking at dinnertime. I expressed my anger and he retreated to his "man cave" and i got stuck doing the dishes, cooking dinner and all the rest. I know this may sound like nothing at all but i am ready to pull my hair out at this point because he barely lifts a finger around here. He doesnt take out the trash, pick up his laundry or clean anything at all. We have two children, two of which are from a previous and one we have together. He recently finished a program at a community college which I fought tooth and nail to get him to complete and was the source of one of our last major fights. The last argument we had in between these two had been about his behaviour during a get-together where he had invited two classmates over who he had said that the guy was working up to asking out the girl. I later expressed to him that i found it odd when i came to check in on the group and my spouse appreared to be the only one interacting with the girl while the suiter sat quietly by...I need to mention that this is not the first time this girl was invited over with the intention of being somebodies "love interest". This lead to an argument the next day and after expressing my feelings my spouse listened and said we will talk more later.....later never came. I feel very stuck where I am as we moved to the city two years ago with hopes of bettering ourselves. If we break up I will be her alone with no family or friends with 3 kids. I wanted to go to college but what will i do with no support? IF i move back home I am stepping back, wondering if it will be worth it to leave my loveless (we havent slept together in months) relationship? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 A better question to ask is why would you stay. You arent moving forward now. It won't magically get better. Marriage counseling might help....but I would doubt he will agree. Right now you are in a rut with a man who hasn't committed to being with you.. common law aside. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Yes, I agree with mhowe. Perhaps this is best left for a professional. It sounds like there is a lot you two need to work out. It is possible that he may change, but it's going to take a lot of work, from the both of you. Good luck. Link to comment
Clinton Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 I've always felt that if you have to ask if its time to leave, it's time to leave. Link to comment
Maemay Posted November 27, 2014 Author Share Posted November 27, 2014 Can people really change though? It has been a year and a half since i started to notice his lack of help around the house. His lack of support has always been a question lingering. When i delivered our baby two years ago via c-section he refused to stay at the hospital with me for the night...even though the nurse urged him to do so. Is this forgivable? i have no means of counselling....hence why i am hear. This back problems of mine also seems to not even phase him....like he asked me the other day how long I was going to "milk" this? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 There isn't a relationship to salvage...time to move back with mom. Link to comment
Maemay Posted November 27, 2014 Author Share Posted November 27, 2014 Yes I suppose I may have known that it was time to move on.....really just looking for confirmation that some things aren't meant to be. I have been trying to convince myself that maybe things will get better but they never do. The hardest part now is coming as I will tell him today when he wakes up sometime this afternoon. that i have decided whats best for me and my children is to move on..... Link to comment
JerzDevi1 Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 He needs to open his eyes and realize what's happening you can't force him to change he has to want it. If he's not willing to do that for you then you should understand what that means.. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Tell him point blank if there's no change you're gone. Sometimes men need a bullet between the eyes ultimatum. Then if he shrugs it off leave. There's children involved so make it clear to him you're not bluffing. Link to comment
Maemay Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Well what a ty last few days.....even though I told him what I was feeling our "talk" turned into an argument. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy and as always pointed out that I could add whatever I was saying to the long list of his faults. (A long-time phrase he has used more than once in the past) I was completely honest on my part and when he expressed he felt I was putting it all on him I asked him straight out what I had done wrong...and to that I got no response. I made the decision I thought it was best for him to leave and but felt my heart breaking as he left. Not sure if it was for me or for the kids Now I am left wondering if I made the right choice. Link to comment
JerzDevi1 Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 It's never easy but I'm the end you will look back and no you did what was best for you and your family Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
leftinrain Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Yes you made the right choice! This man sounds like he is passively abusive . I don't know if that's a real term but it should be. You don't deserve to be treated like that and there is no shame whatsoever in moving back home. You need the support right now. Don't worry you will get back on your feet. It hurts of course because it's letting go of what you hoped it would be. Letting go of the dream. It doesn't sound as though it's been good in anyway for a long time now. Don't forget he reality of the relationship and how it really is. Make a list and write it down when you have those moments of wondering if you made the right choice. You did ....you so did. If you stick with this you will look back on it down the road and not regret anything. When you're in the situation it can be hard to see. Link to comment
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