Nine year relationship over. I want her back.

[ArchiTed]

Hello, I am new to the forum.

 

This place has a wealth of information, I have read at least 10 to 15 threads on breaking up, getting back together, writing a letter... But I can't help but feel that the advice given to others is going in one ear and out the other.

 

I'm in a very weird place, and it's made me particularly long winded. So apologies in advance for the length.

 

I have been with the same girl for nine years. We'll it'll be nine years in a few days. We were each other's everything. Families took vacations together, everyone expected us to marry one day. We were in the middle of making plans to buy a house and I was secretly planning to propose next year while on vacation in Europe.

 

The breakup happened dec. 8th. It was a medium fight. I had forgotten to take a handmade present she made for my birthday 3 weekends by then, and she said I wasn't appreciating her. This quickly escalated into her saying that I haven't really wanted to marry her, and that I don't really want to be with her. The breakup was basically pinned on me not having fully forgiven her for an infidelity 4 years ago.

 

I was in such shock that when she started to raise her voice and asked me to leave I kinda just silently shuffled along. We said we love each other. Hugged. And out I went.

 

That was a Saturday. I think I lost my mind because I did not go home but went driving around town. Chain smoked about 2 packs of cigarettes slept in my car on some street I can't recall. For about 24 hours I tried to convince myself this was all going to work out in the end.

 

On Monday I reached out with a text. Saying that we needed to talk face to face. I think she said sometime soon but she wasn't ready... She did mention wanting to remain friends before.

 

I had previously taken Tuesday off to spend the day with her. (Veterans Day) so of course my anxiety and insanity was at an all time high. I had been getting an hour or two of sleep every night since the breakup. And like clockwork, at 6am I was out the door and trying to stay busy. Problem was I finished all of my tasks too quickly. So i stopped by a flower shop, bought a dozen of her favorites, and went over there by 9 or 10am. I left the flowers at her door and took off... Not 2 minutes pass when she calls and asks if I was at her house. I said I just left. She said she'd call me back later. I keep busy. Decide to go into work anyway, then when I get off - after not receiving any message or call. I couldn't stop myself from driving straight over there again. I texted her asking if she could come outside and speak with me in my car for a few minutes so as not to disturb her family. This turned into a heated text message exchange and she refused to even speak on the phone, just insisted on texting only. I left.

 

Wednesday morning I sent a text apologizing for the previous night, wished her a good day at work. I got no response.

 

Friends convinced me that I was losing any chance of getting her back by pushing too hard. I tried no contact for a week. I sent a LONG text, apologizing for all those things that lead to the breakup, because she was right about quite a few of the things she said. I then sent a have a good day text every morning Wednesday to Friday. No response.

 

Friday night I had a friend come over and basically slap sense into me with extremely blunt and harsh words.

 

This entire week I've gotten by on the idea of sending her a letter. A letter that would calmly explain my position. There has not been any doubt that I wanted to marry her - for me. But I'm horrible at communication and on more than a few occasions I might have made it seem like I wasn't interested. I MUST clear that up. I NEED to.

 

I wrote the letter early Saturday (yesterday) and almost drove up to deliver it. Stopped myself.

 

I rewrote a clearer and more calm version tonight.

 

I plan on making more versions throughout the week. But I still want to send her the final version to arrive by Monday the 1st. (Our 9 year anniversary)

 

Today is only the 2nd consecutive day of no contact. If I can maintain no contact - how unwise would it be to send the letter?

 

This has hit me so hard. Just 3 weeks ago we were planning our future, buying a house etc... Now what? Nine years gone. Love of my life gone. And I've gone and made it all worse in my frantic panic.

 

Just writing this makes me feel like I shouldn't send the letter. It's actually very therapeutic just to write the letter itself.

 

I just want to win her back, I never got the chance to say that I was already planning the when and how to propose. That I was indeed serious about her. She's at home sulking, thinking that I was not seriously committed... I never even got the face to face meeting we talked about.

 

What can I do now? My brain has exhausted all options and all that gets me by is replacing meals with double whiskeys and a pack or two of cigarettes a day.

[Draven8]

I'd say back right off. Let it all calm right down because nothing you can say or do will make everything right. Any attempt will just be meet with contempt and things will get worse. Give everyone a chance to calm down. I couldnt when it was me. I tried my best but ended up losing the plot. So did she and any time we tried to be together it was too intense. After 15 years we had to accept we were killing each other.

 

Drop the whiskeys and the smokes. Keep your routine as best as possible, try and keep being you and not turn into a madman. You will get a chance to show you care and then its up to her because it takes two people to fix things. Be careful not to give in to everything and it all becomes one sided becuase I done that trying to show that I cared, it doesn't work.

I feel for you, let us know how your getting on

[Clinton]

Do nothing. Less is more, least is most. She knows how you feel. You're driving her round the bend right now. Leave her be.

 

All you can do is wait. It's up to her if she wants to work on it. If she's interested she will contact you. If she doesn't In a reasonable time, it's done and you have to move on

[sky09]

^ he's right. don't barrage her with all your ammunition at once. stay away from her for a bit. you can keep working on that letter, and maybe even send it, but not now. Not when your emotions are running wild.

Lay off the booze and smokes, for sure. Both very easy habits to pick up and not quit one day. Go hit the gym or enroll in some hobby instead.

 

The breakup happened dec. 8th. It was a medium fight. I had forgotten to take a handmade present she made for my birthday 3 weekends by then, and she said I wasn't appreciating her. This quickly escalated into her saying that I haven't really wanted to marry her, and that I don't really want to be with her. The breakup was basically pinned on me not having fully forgiven her for an infidelity 4 years ago.

 

This tells me she's been thinking about this for a while now (marriage, or lack of it). The fight was just a catalyst for her to finally lay it out on you. I strongly suggest both of you get into some sort of couple's therapy (when you are on talking terms), or even individual counseling. Pick up some books on relationships and give those a go as well.

[ArchiTed]

Thanks for the replies. I just realized I typed dec. 8th but really meant nov. 8th...

 

I think she has indeed been thinking about it for a while, but I wasn't even considering breaking up as a real possibility. That's probably why it's been so hard to get a grip. I didn't even consider being in this position only 3 weeks ago.

 

I've started a small workout routine since day 2.

 

I'll continue writing/rewriting the letter this week. It's the only thing that keeps me busy for a few hours without alcohol or smokes.

 

Again, thanks for the replies!

[ArchiTed]

I feel like I'm going to die from this pain. I rewrote the letter. Down to 4 pages from 6. At random moments throughout the day I feel as if I'm going to explode in tears. Hard to focus on work.

 

Sobbed the entire drive home. Actually had to pull over because I was having trouble driving. She hasn't said a word or sent a single text for 2 weeks now... It only makes me want to send her the letter more

[Draven8]

You need to get yourself together before you consider contact because any interaction just now will be overly emotional. 2 weeks feels for ever when your in distress but I dont think you can put a time limit on when you BOTH will be ready and your not really giving her a break as you keep trying to contact her.

 

Says in your post that she wants to talk but is not ready. Give her some space and let her realise that things might be over if she does not make an effort. If you keep dangling on a string just floating around like a little puppy dog then she will have no value in you.

 

How long has it been since you last tried to contact her ?

[ArchiTed]

Today will be 4 days since I've made any attempt to contact. And 14 days since she last responded. There was another period of 3 days where I did not contact her.

[shessofly]

after 9 years it is sure to hurt for a good while, but you will get better in time. use this time constructively to improve yourself, take up some new hobbies, "discover" yourself, etc. how old are you? 9 years is a very long time to date someone without some sort of proposal (assuming you didn't start dating super young). i wouldn't send any letters, i wouldn't send flowers or any other kind of gifts and i definitely wouldn't recommend showing up on her doorstep for any reason. i think backing completely off for now is the thing to do. give her time to process some of her own emotions and maybe let the resentment die down some. sorry this happened to you.

[ArchiTed]

I am 27.

 

To be 100% accurate it has not been 9 consecutive years, we just like saying that as our little fairy tale story.

 

We dated for a few months in high school, broke up and reunited a year and a half later. Been together 7 years consecutively since then.

[Doofus]

You need to try to view this differently than you are.

1. I know it feels like you've been rejected, and, maybe in some way you have, but this woman cheated on you 2 years into your relationship and is breaking up with you only because you didn't give her a commitment.

so,

2. You weren't actually rejected.

But

3. You're in a loop right now which assures that you're going to feel, increasingly, like you have been. You reach out, she doesn't reply, you fell rejected, you re-imagine what actually happened in the break up, you feel worse, you try to fix it by reaching out, etc. etc.

 

Others writing above are most likely right. If you go dark, she'll reach out. The only other possibility is that the break up isn't about what you think it is, but, rather, about a who. Maybe she's found someone else. If so, count yourself lucky. Regardless of how great you thought the relationship was, and, maybe it was, she's not so great. You deserve somebody who is. The longer you mope, the longer it will be before you meet her.

 

In the meantime, hang tough. Don't crack before she does. At this point, if you do get back together, you're going to have to work pretty hard not to be in a somewhat subservient position. If getting back together has a chance of working, you need her to reach out the next (few....) times first.

[kbbcoop77]

This sounds like she may have found Someone else. If that's the case then there's not much you can do except get on with your life. If she comes back then you decide if you want to be her back up plan, her fall back, plan #2..you don't want to be that guy do you? You have to have some self respect, I know this hurts now but time will help as long as you stay no contact with her and heal. Eventually you will be able to let her go from your mind if it's truly over. Hounding her and writing multiple page emotional diatribes will only show her how needy you are and turn her off completely

[ArchiTed]

I truly do not believe she has found someone else. But of course love is blind and I would be the last to know.

 

Day 5 no contact from me. Day 15 since I've heard anything from her. She did mention during our heated text messaging that she was no longer happy - that I was making her feel unappreciated. I recognize those faults as a huge gap in my communication skills.

 

I'm trying to get my financial life in order... One of the other points that made her feel like I wasn't fully committed long term. Just bought an expensive car, have student loans out, etc. But I have a handle on it all and am still saving for the future, just never made any of that clear - again - communication.

 

I'm still holding out hope to hear from her, but I can't help but feel that everyday drives the wedge further.

[sky09]

Read the following books instead of drinking/smoking at night: 5 Love languages, Boundaries in marriage, If only he knew. A lot of valuable relationship advice there. Could also try reading Uncoupling and see if you can identify what's written there in your relationship.

[ArchiTed]

Thank you for the book recommendations! I picked up the "If only he knew" audiobook and am on chapter 4. I'm definitely in a more calm space now and haven't done anything too crazy for a few days.

 

I technically broke NC by texting happy thanksgiving. To which - after 16 days of not hearing anything from her - she replied back with a happy thanksgiving as well.

 

I've left everything alone since and I'm not really counting that as 'breaking' NC so I'm still on day 7 for myself.

 

Thanks to all that chimed in with suggestions and opinions. Definitely stopped me from going even more overboard with the psycho stalker phase.