Missing the Fire???

[Perfect Life]

Meet a guy who I've been seeing for about a month. Problem is I am trying to find the 'spark' He's a sweet person and worries about me. Wants to make sure I make it home okay. And has checked on me when the kids have been sick. He tells me I'm funny and beautiful, and I can tell he is sexually attracted. However, I don't feel his passion. I'm usually really excited when I'm growing feelings for someone. I want to spend time with them and let them know I miss them. But I cant do it with this guy. I haven't been able to attach. I know he hasn't dated for over 3 years and I have tried to talk to him about what I'm looking for. His response was, We are both busy, but I know it will work out. Not the answer I was looking for. I want to feel like he is really into me. I know its only been a month, and maybe I should just give it time, but I really don't want to waste my time. Any advice?

[Clinton]

No spark equals no relationship. You have to be excited about your partner, you aren't.

 

Put him back in the pond and go after another fish

[mhowe]

OP --- fresh out of your breakup, I think you have to look at dating as a "catch and release" program. You are rebuilding your confidence (yeah), but it may be too soon for the heart to be open (boo).

[Perfect Life]

MHowe, I know. =/

but what if I miss out an a great guy because I'm 'playing the field'

I am not one to date many at the same time. It doesn't feel right to show interest in more than one person. Maybe I'm trying to find what I had before, but I don't want anything less than a fierce connection. My confidence was shot, staying busy has helped tremendously and am a happy person again. I feel ready to meet people, but I hate that I'm meeting duds.

[mhowe]

I am not saying not to date --- but don't expect to find someone right off the bat. Dating is a #'s game. If you aren't feeling it, release and cast again.

[FlashEng1]

MHowe, I know. =/

but what if I miss out an a great guy because I'm 'playing the field'

 

And you will, OP. You will perhaps miss out on many "great guys" depending on how often you date. But that isn't the only "quality" you are wanting. Timing is just as important a factor as the many other qualities we want. For whatever reason if you or the other person isn't "ready," then that connection doesn't work, and won't work. We even try to force it at times, and hope for the best. That simply prolongs the inevitable of that relationship not working out.

 

There are certain relationships that can form around certain points of your life. College timing, "Adulthood," Career changes, "mid-life," etc. and it's all about the timing and whether or not you and that person are mentally ready at the time for the relationship to actually build a solid foundation and grow into something extraordinary. If you aren't feeling the sparks or joys of a new relationship/interest with someone, then it's best to back off and continue searching while enjoying yourself.

 

You clearly don't want just a "great guy," you want a "great guy for you." Continue playing the numbers until it falls in place.

 

I am not one to date many at the same time. It doesn't feel right to show interest in more than one person. Maybe I'm trying to find what I had before, but I don't want anything less than a fierce connection. My confidence was shot, staying busy has helped tremendously and am a happy person again. I feel ready to meet people, but I hate that I'm meeting duds.

 

Although many cliches can be formed here, this is where you need to be honest with yourself and the person you're dating. Like you have been. Simply follow thru with yourself. If you aren't feeling the sparks, let him know, and let him know that you don't believe things will progress into something you're wanting. Fall back to friends or casual acquaintances. If you can handle that, that is. Being busy is but an excuse as well. When you run into "him", time won't have much meaning or affect the relationship this strongly, things will still work out between one another. Whether you both are busy, and you make plans around your schedules and "roll with the punches," or you look forward to the next date two weeks from now because one of you is out of town, you will find ways to work it out. Using it as an excuse right now, may turn it into a crutch; forming a 'relationship' you really didn't want in the first place.

 

I agree. Release, and continue searching. You deserve that fierce connection, so don't stop until you've found it.

[mhowe]

While I was single and figuring ME out, between when I left an 8 yr relationship and when I began dating my bf ---- I actually didn't date a lot.

 

That isn't to say I didn't meet a handful of very interesting guys --- and some had potential, and some didn't. And some were available, and some weren't.

I am just saying that people will come and go in your life --- and when you are ready --- and when they are ready --- it will happen.

You can't make the right guy appear because you are ready.

[Perfect Life]

Wow FlashEng1, you are so right! This is great solid advice, I appreciate it. Building up my self esteem at the expense of someone else time just seemed harsh, but its all in perception. We are both meeting someone and looking for the same thing. Just because we haven't found the spark, doesn't mean its not out there for us. I have always been an over thinker. I was out of work for 5 months which allowed me to deal with my break up and find myself again. Going back to work in a week will surely help keep my mind off trying to find something that will eventually come anyway.

[Sportster2005]

I'm confused. Why do you care if he's into you, if you're obviously not feeling it? Let it go, for both of your sakes.

[SoulTaker]

I'm confused. Why do you care if he's into you, if you're obviously not feeling it? Let it go, for both of your sakes.

 

I'm with S2005. It's about how you feel about him. What you don't want to do is place him in the "nice guy" category, and then try to force yourself to be with him.

 

 

However, I don't feel his passion. I'm usually really excited when I'm growing feelings for someone. I want to spend time with them and let them know I miss them. But I cant do it with this guy. I haven't been able to attach. I know he hasn't dated for over 3 years and I have tried to talk to him about what I'm looking for. His response was, We are both busy, but I know it will work out. Not the answer I was looking for. I want to feel like he is really into me.

 

He is, who he is. It's like you're looking for something in him that might not be there.

[catfeeder]

Try considering dating as screening the wrong matches out rather than trying to transform them into being right. No simpatico = no match, which should be true of the majority of men you date--you're looking for ONE guy.

 

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

[Perfect Life]

Maybe there's some confusion. When I said I don't feel his passion I meant that I haven't been able to see that much fire from him. He shows enough to let me know that he is definitely interested, however he cant/ doesn't give a lot of time. I guess because I have a lot of time to give right now, I have focused on how busy he is.

[SoulTaker]

Maybe there's some confusion. When I said I don't feel his passion I meant that I haven't been able to see that much fire from him. He shows enough to let me know that he is definitely interested, however he cant/ doesn't give a lot of time. I guess because I have a lot of time to give right now, I have focused on how busy he is.

 

PL, I don't equate "passion" with "amount of time". It's not like, if he spends a lot of time with you, it turns into passion. Also, in dating, I don't look for "passion", but more for "chemistry". As I mentioned earlier, "he is, who he is".

[IAmFCA]

I too have equated time with interest. I did that with the man I am with now, and looking back, I can see I was both right and wrong. Early on, I was right his interest in me was less clear than I wished. His interest is now clear, and I don't even think about the time. We still don't have very much time together.

 

Instead of time, I get texts, calls, and direct sentences like I miss you. I get candor, and requests to visit just to hold one another. It wouldn't work for some, certainly.

 

He has never been annoyed by hearing what I need. He has kept his eye on building a connection with me, and me with him. Whatever we tell each other is information that helps us do that.

 

It has been important that I gauge his interest by understanding his own normal set of behaviors, and not comparing him to some sense of what is normal. It also has been important that we talk directly about our interest levels, so that we are clear with one another.