redsox22 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ok- day 3 now. I am hanging in there. The hardest times to get through are the times we normally talk or see each other. I keep reminding myself that this is for the best and time is my friend! Link to comment
snf23 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 You can do it redsox! I broke down and texted my ex and am on day 5 of NC after that. It's hard but so many of us are in it together. You're stronger than you know. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Thanks snf3. I know I'm stronger than I think! Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Five elements you must have to get you through NC.... (in my book at least) Eat, drink, sleep, GYM, breathe. Don't forget to breathe!!! Hope you are working out like a madman too. Nothing trims you down and rips you up like a really tough breakup. After my really hard life altering breakup (divorce like 5 years ago) I lost almost 40lbs. Was like slim Jim Jupiter out there. Lean and mean. Unfortunately, now that I am happy for the most part in life, I gained about half that back. So will someone please tear my heart out again for christ sakes. I need to slim down a bit!!!=P Just kidding haha... Hit the gym, hard...multiple times a week. Eat, drink, sleep, gym, breathe....rinse repeat. After about a month of that, start looking for new cool healthy (preferably group) activities that you never tried before. Which is another great way to keep on the NC path and move on with your life in a healthy positive manor... Good luck! Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Thanks chamachama! I run, that's my therapy. Good advice. I am starting to explore some meetup groups in my area to do group activities. I know time will make things easier. The holiday coming up is hard. But I'm hanging on! Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Awesome! Meetup groups are definitely the way to go. I run too now. But something about going to a gym though and lifting weights really helped me. Seeing actual real results etc... I'm a fairly big dude too so when I was lifting a lot i was like a piece of iron. I'm still in great shape from martial arts (also highly recommended), but back then I was really a scary site and I loved it. Once I got to the anger phase...I like to call it the the FU b**ch (replace with d**k for the girls here) phase... I was like an animal at the gym. Try this, write down everything you don't like about your ex. Make a list of all of the stuff that bothered you about her. Things she said, did, and didn't do that you thought "wth?!"... Print it out and keep it in your back pocket. Add to it when you think of more less than desirable traits that she exhibited during your time with her. Read it when you are feeling like contacting her. Then go to the gym (or for a run etc...) instead... That will help you progress to the anger phase. Which can and will propel you forward and get you to really start moving on for YOU.... not her. She is behind you now. The trajectory you choose to take from here is up to you and you alone. You can be the whiny sad crying pathetic pining-for-her guy (who she will NEVER respect)... or you can be the guy who gets up, goes NC for his own good, shows strength of character and self worth, and moves on in a positive healthy direction... the choice is yours my friend. Choose wisely... ~Chama Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Thanks. I'm a martial artist too. Great way to burn steam! I've gotten away from it some but it's a good time to get back into it strong. I do have a running list of negative things. I think I need to make a point of reading it more often. I started writing things down again today to make sure I don't lose sight of the things that were wrong and romanticize it all in my mind. There is a guy whose been asking me out for a few months now. He knows I'm not up for starting anything serious right now but he keeps asking anyway. Maybe a good distraction? Link to comment
Draven8 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 No that's a stupid idea. Get used to self existence for a while. Don't look to other people for what you need. Sorry if you think I'm harsh but trust me Iv been where you are and the only way to get out is to grow a pair, woman up and gain some self respect back. I really can empathise so prove me wrong. I'm with you on this It's hard to read someone go on like this then tell us he phoned today I thought he had picked so I answered. You need to get in the mind frame that even if this guy abseiled in your window you'd stamp on his face. You wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. You wouldn't give him a lick of your turd. This guy is a ghost to you now. I suffer from anxiety and panic related to my breakup I feel your pain. You are the only person who can control it so sort yourself out. We would all love to hear you doing it Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Yeah exactly about dating...just stop for awhile. What's the big hurry? Jumping from one relationship to another is ultimately destructive. Get comfortable with YOU. Being ALONE. Being dependent on someone else for your happiness is a recipe for disaster. When they leave...well there goes your happiness..see? YOU have to be happy with yourself to have a healthy relationship. Don't rely on someone else for happiness, that sets yourself up again. Make sense? Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I say go for it. Its weird to say this but it's different for guys. You can't "f" it away, and that's the truth. BUT nothing helps out your ego and gets you your sense of pride and self respect back quicker than the attraction of another. Just don't go looking for your next great thing for a while. But having some fun with someone? Why the hell not? Just make sure you're honest about your intentions to just have fun that's all... Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 Chamachama - you do know I'm a woman, right? Lol ;-) I know I have to be happy with myself. I have been working on that for the last 9 months with the back and forth with my ex and long periods of time apart. I think it's just taken this long to put it all on the line and accept that it's over, it's not good for me and I need to not look back. The finality of it. I'm not looking for a new relationship. This new guy knows that. He knows all about my ex and where I am. It just feels good that someone else thinks I'm ok even if I'm messed up at the moment. Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Chamachama - you do know I'm a woman, right? Lol ;-) I know I have to be happy with myself. I have been working on that for the last 9 months with the back and forth with my ex and long periods of time apart. I think it's just taken this long to put it all on the line and accept that it's over, it's not good for me and I need to not look back. The finality of it. I'm not looking for a new relationship. This new guy knows that. He knows all about my ex and where I am. It just feels good that someone else thinks I'm ok even if I'm messed up at the moment. I'd go on a few dates, but probably not with this guy you mention. Reason being he has been asking for months, seems like maybe he could be easily led on, and want more than what you offer, maybe not but be careful. Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 yikes sorry!!! LOL!! Link to comment
dstaffy Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 This stuff you guys are saying is spot on. It really is. It's giving me a shove in the rite direction. Be happy with yourself. Be independent. You don't need anyone to make yourself happy. Am I rite Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 No worries chamachama! Lol It's giving me a shove in the right direction too!! Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Another day- staying strong. Woke up very anxious though. Trying to keep busy and not dwell. It's hard! Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Yikes!!!! He just called. I didn't answer. He left a message: hey it's me, give me a call when you get a moment. That's it. He then sent a text of a picture of me saying- hey, looking for this girl- have her call me. I've not responded to either. Ugh!!! I'm churning! Link to comment
jjkk Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Stay strong!! Delete the messages so you can't keep looking at them. Maybe go to lunch or a movie or something w/ a friend for a distraction. You'll be proud of yourself for following through w/ NC. You can do it! Link to comment
Draven8 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Remember if you answer then is safe to say the cycle will go like this ; You reply, he leaves you devestated, your back to stage 1 Delete the message, block his number so he can't phone and try and get on like it didn't happen. Eventually ignoring him will seem like the smart thing to do because you will realise you feel better being away from him. Anxiety is a real problem for me too. Gets me in the night and in the morning. Any tips for this would be useful Link to comment
Apples18 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 When I started my NC with my ex, I made a paper chain for 30 days I know its silly but every day I would wake up, take one off and throw it away and mark a day off the calendar. I also told myself that I knew he would hit rock bottom and the only thing preventing him from hitting rock bottom would be me contacting him. I want my ex to hit rock bottom to realize what hes done wrong and the mistake hes made. I hope this helps with your thought process on NC. Today officially marks 30 days of NC for me and I am about to make another 30 day paper chain. The time will pass either way, make the best decision one day at a time for yourself, you cant make him change his mind, he has to be the one to do that. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Great advice. I do feel better away from him. He just stirs up so much emotion and it sets me back. It makes me crazy that he just wants to poke at me, see if I'm still there but not really do or say anything different! It's frustrating. Why won't he just let me be? He isn't saying he wants me so why can't he just respect my wishes for NC and leave me in peace?!?! Link to comment
Draven8 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yes- sticking to it this time!!! Damn. Thanksgiving is coming up and that is going to be hard. My ex and kids are going to visit family 400 miles away and I'm going to be home alone Give thanks that next thanksgiving you wont be wrapped up in somebody who does not want you. If you want you can be in a much better place by then, much stronger, more advance and you'll truly be able to enjoy thanksgiving. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thanks Draven8- Ok - I need some help here. I've gone NC- blocked his phone, text and emails. Well- just sent me another email from a new address so it would reach me. Says he wants to talk!! I don't want to get suckered in again but if he really wants to reconcile what do I do?? Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Here is what I wrote in reply to him wanting to "talk". Send? Continue to ignore? **** You're playing with my emotions. You have not chosen to try again with me. I have not agreed to try again with you. You want to leave everything open and undefined. That doesn't work for me. We hash it out and decide to try again or not. We either act like we are trying to put it back together or we go separate ways. It's a very conscious decision. We have been friends for awhile now. We are not strangers feeling each other out to see if we want a relationship. I'm not going to continue down the road of waiting on you and being anxious all the time. Hell, I don't think this is even salvageable anymore since you clearly feel entitled to my privacy. You don't trust me and I don't trust you. This would be a monumental undertaking on both our parts, not some casual endeavor. It would take determination and steadfast emotion. It would take commitment and a lot of communication. You don't have the determination. You don't know what you want. That's a recipe for failure. I'm not willing to casually walk down that road to be hurt. Please respect my position, my feelings and my choice on this. I've been patient, open and forthcoming for almost 3 weeks now. I am unable to continue in this limbo. I respect myself more than that. I deserve more than that. I wish you all the best. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be Link to comment
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