redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- that's how I feel- all in or not at all. I'm trying to set boundaries but I don't know what is reasonable. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 You don't answer the phone. He can leave a message. Unless that message is "I was wrong. I have broken up with XX and want to try again" you don't return the call. You know this is the right thing to do. YOU need to close the door. He has no incentive to do so. He gets an ego stroke from you ---- and other strokes from her. YOU get nothing but heartache. YOUR choice. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- that's how I feel- all in or not at all. I'm trying to set boundaries but I don't know what is reasonable. The boundary is ALL IN or NOTHING. And you have told him this. And then answer the phone, every time. If you didn't answer it, he could get off his butt and show up on your doorstep. Realistic ---- no. But maybe it will stop you from answering the phone. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 You are absolutely correct. Thank you. Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Ugh He does not respect you at all. Listen, you really have to stop clinging on here and let go, he is not gonna make up his mind in 1 day, it really takes time to think about things and decide if the relationship is the right way forward. You clearly can't think straight and are infatuated with this guy, because no woman with self respect would put up with this crap. Block his number, really, this is the second time he is repeating himself and giving you false hopes. I don't mean to sound harsh, and i know it's hard, but you are a grown woman not a 16 year old kid who needs guidance. Only we can give you advice, but if you chose to ignore that and give up after 1 day of NC then what's the point in coming to the forum?, other option is to just accept the situation and accept he has another woman and is jumping between the two of you. You need to take responsibility here and cut him out of your life for a while. It's not the end of the world if you don't speak for a month, really, you will get over it. Space is good, but you have to help yourself here or things will never change. Choice is yours at the end of the day Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- you are right. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'm disappointed that I answered the phone. I'm upset his disrespected my wishes and acted selfishly. You are right. I need to act mature and with self respect. I'm grateful for this forum. My mind plays tricks on me and I'm full of self doubt lately. I know in my heart what I need to do. It's just hard to accept and everyone here is giving me a great reality check. Just the process of typing all this out is helpful. Reading the advice is helpful. I know at the end of the day I must be a countable for my choices. I have to let go and let God. Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I would just take a deep breath and block his number. You are not alone, and the forum is a good place to come to when you feel down if you need support when in NC then i would be happy to do that as i know how it feels Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Thank you. I just told him goodbye. His lack of choosing means he isn't choosing me. He doesn't understand that I can't stay in limbo. He think I just want to hurt him by going out and finding another relationship. I don't. I'm not lacking for offers and he knows that. He wants me to prove to him or something that I want him. I'm not looking to date. The hoping part and holding out for him is what kills me. I need closure. Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Not every relationship works out, iv'e had my fair share! but i started to date, but nothing serious, just hanging out/coffee's etc and it does help in moving on. But your ex is a selfish person, and a control freak. So in context he does not love you enough to be with you and does not want you to meet anyone else even though he is in a relationship himself ?! the guy is a total bozo pure selfish. If he really did love you he would let you go and be happy, like i did for my ex. Seriously forget this guy. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 I feel so stupid now for accepting his call this morning. He stirred me all up again. I understand why NC is needed- for sure! Now I have to start all over again! Damn!!! Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Just make sure you stick to it this time yes? do not answer again, go on a date and live life one day at a time Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 I feel like that too. It was selfish of him to call when I asked him to not unless he had something different to say. He didn't. He just missed me. I think he wanted to make sure I was still hanging on. I went to a concert Monday night. I had 2 tickets. None of my friends could go. I told him no- as long as he is seeing someone else I didn't want to hang out. He was beside himself thinking I would find a date. I could have, no problem. But I didn't. I took my 11 year old daughter instead. Had a great time. I think he called because it was driving him crazy thinking I had a date. Why does it matter? He doesn't want me!!! He keeps throwing out there, defensively, that I keep threatening to move on. That means date others to him. I tried to explain that it means accepting his choice or lack thereof and letting go. Yes, eventually it will mean dating, but right now it means accepting and letting go. He is acting selfishly. I deserve better. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- sticking to it this time!!! Damn. Thanksgiving is coming up and that is going to be hard. My ex and kids are going to visit family 400 miles away and I'm going to be home alone Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Just a very immature guy, does not want to be with you, but does not want anyone else to have you. Weird, is he like 16 years old? lol . Thing is with this style of behaviour it's clear that he is not a mature adult and is not ready to commit to a relationship with anyone. Heck, he is even treating the other woman with no respect. I think he needs to realise how he is behaving and take some personal time to seriously work on himself, maybe talk to a counsellor or something. I think also that you need some time to better yourself, i think you should start getting your self respect back and become more independent, because i can tell you if you were to get back together right now it would probably only last a couple months if that, seems not enough growth and improvements have been made, and the lack of respect is a big thing in a relationship. Link to comment
Dead874 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- sticking to it this time!!! Damn. Thanksgiving is coming up and that is going to be hard. My ex and kids are going to visit family 400 miles away and I'm going to be home alone Well we don't celebrate thanksgiving here in the UK so if it makes you feel any better ill be alone too Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Ha ha! Holidays are big in my family so being without them is hard. It's ok when I'm in a relationship but otherwise it's lonely. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes- the lack of respect and immature attitude says a lot. I see that. I pointed out that he was not respecting anyone here- me, her or himself. He just got defensive. He is not accepting his lack of choice as a choice. I need to let go. I know this. Can someone tell my heart though!!! Link to comment
Draven8 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 " Ugh He does not respect you at all. Listen, you really have to stop clinging on here and let go, he is not gonna make up his mind in 1 day, it really takes time to think about things and decide if the relationship is the right way forward. You clearly can't think straight and are infatuated with this guy, because no woman with self respect would put up with this crap. Block his number, really, this is the second time he is repeating himself and giving you false hopes. I don't mean to sound harsh, and i know it's hard, but you are a grown woman not a 16 year old kid who needs guidance. Only we can give you advice, but if you chose to ignore that and give up after 1 day of NC then what's the point in coming to the forum?, other option is to just accept the situation and accept he has another woman and is jumping between the two of you. You need to take responsibility here and cut him out of your life for a while. It's not the end of the world if you don't speak for a month, really, you will get over it. Space is good, but you have to help yourself here or things will never change. Choice is yours at the end of the day " I agree, your wasting your life and other people's who read this nonsense then give you advice then you just keep doing it. Sorry it's harsh but its the truth Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 The whole point of coming to the forum is for support and advice. Part of the process is sharing with others and hopefully gaining some perspective in doing so. I'm sorry you feel that I'm wasting others time because I am not able to immediately implement the advice given. It's a struggle. That's why I'm here. Most of us know the right things to do but need help doing them! I try to be supportive of others here even when they are not acting in their own best interest. If all it were to take is some good advice then we'd all be fine and not need this forum. I think you are a bit too harsh. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Don't bother with the people who make those kind of remarks. Just keep up the NC.... Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Thanks, mhowe I'm being strong today! Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Get a hard copy calendar and put it in your study. Every day of NC, a big Sharpie X goes in the square. It will begin to look very empowering. And make you think 2x about breaking the chain. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Keep being strong. You CAN do it!!!!!!! Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Great idea on the calendar! Going to put it right next to my bed. It seems like upon waking and going to sleep my anxiety is the worst. I know the visual reminder will help! Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Thanks- redswim! Link to comment
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