Instagram intervention / not my child

[IAmFCA]

This is a post prior to a meddle...

 

My brother (definitely) and my sister in law (reportedly) are unfamiliar with the pin-up type posts their teenaged daughter makes on Instagram. My brother would be explosive if he knew; naturally, he married someone who is more passive. I am planning a chat with the mom, and hoping my brother can remain out of the loop.

 

I doubt her parents can peel off the layers that motivate this behavior; I wish they could. Given that, I also am not sure what can be done other than exert control, which may have the counter effect. Keeping my mouth shut doesn't seem right either. SIL and I have a good relationship; I am a bit of a wild one myself which I think may help in this instance; our kids also have a good relationship.

 

If someone has something to share to help me think this through, please share.

[Natasha24]

How old is your niece? If she is 13 years old, then yes, something should be done. But if she's 18 or 19, I don't think you should intervene.

 

I doubt your brother will stay out of the loop. This seems like something your sister in law will most likely tell him.

[BigKK]

This is the things I worry about when I have kids... you think you can get away with raising a child and they don't own a cellphone or would that be social suicide?

 

 

Honestly...not monitoring your children's internet and phone usage is the same as if you let your kids go out to that bad alley-way and then wondering where they picked up all these terrible habits and influences.

 

 

Exploding at the daughter will obviously backfire, but you gotta tell them for better or for worse. It's up to the parents to handle it. It's tough though, because you already know they might not handle it the right way, but the again you can't save everyone.

[Batya33]

Have you spoken directly to your niece about this?

[itsallgrand]

How did you find out, IThinkICan?

[MissMelissa]

This is the stuff of my nightmares. I talk to my daughter and son CONSTANTLY about how important it is that they consider anything and everything before they post it on any social networking site. My daughter recently created an Instagram account and, when she showed me her first pic, I was SHOCKED to see that she'd used her FULL NAME. I immediately googled her name and found her address online (she's **15**), and that was enough to scare her into understanding that Mom isn't crazy about internet safety after all.

 

Anyway, in answer to your post, I have NO idea how to broach this subject with your SIL. Short of just being up front and non-confrontational about it, your delivery will depend on how receptive and open she is. Very best of luck to you!

[IAmFCA]

Thank you everyone, this is helpful.

 

My niece is 14. My daughter made me aware; she has been tracking her and alerting me, and the most recent post caused her to suggest I intervene. I thought to talk to niece directly, but given her age, decided on the mom.

 

BigKK you are exactly right: social media is a necessary part of social discourse and is generally beyond parental oversight. There is no way to control teens, never has been. In our house, mine know that I will read their correspondence on occasion; of course they can delete, use other channels, etc. I will never suggest that I am aware of everything because I know I do not know what I do not know.

 

One interesting thing I learned is how NOT to react, which was a surprise. If my children think I will annihilate someone who assaults them, they might not tell me so as to protect their assailant. There have been times when I have stifled myself, read their texts to monitor, and saw that they handled it. They need to be in charge of their lives.

 

My approach has been to tell them since they were toddlers that I will never be able to control them, and that therefore my job is to help them learn how to control themselves. They learned to tell themselves to go to bed by 3 years.

 

This is not what other people will teach you about parenting. If you follow the norm, you will get the norm. Crossing my fingers the next 5 - 8 years are as good as the prior 14.

 

(with thanks to my late mother. thank you mom.)

[Natasha24]

She's 14? Then yes, definitely tell your sister in law. But once you tell her, step out of the way and let her deal with it however she wants. If she tells your brother, then so be it. I doubt she will tell her daughter that she heard from you (or that you heard from your daughter), so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Just sit down with the sister in law, show her the Instagram and tell her "I think you should see this. If this was my daughter, I would want to know".

 

When I was in my early teens, the internet was just becoming a big thing. I did some things that I would NEVER want my daughter to do. I don't know how parents deal with social media these days, it's so dangerous.

[IAmFCA]

We have coffee set up for Wednesday. But also I feel I have her back in saying something.