This is getting worse not better

[DaisyHope]

I feel like I'm back at day one but now people seem less sympathetic and I expect me to get over it. There was no closure. I can't ask for it and there fore can't seem to accept it. I'm keeping busy with fitness stuff but im not sure it's helping as I don't know if im doing it for me or in the hope he'll come back. Some friends/family think he's a lying love rat who deceived me and some think he'll be back that it's just some male freak out phase but I'm stuck in the middle confused with it all and have nothing from him to go on or work with. I can't be angry at him I still love him and yet he doesn't me. Everyone's saying I shouldn't be negative but how do I remain positive. I just don't want to go to work. I want to sleep all day everyday and hibernate until I'm better/he's back but I just don't feel that's ever going to happen. If he were dead people would be more sympathetic and allow me to grieve as it is I'm just sup posed to get over it. I don't know what to do. I've tried to see a counsellor but there's a awaiting list. I just want him back and realise that's wrong I just have no idea how this happened and I want it back.

[Cailinsona]

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that will ease your pain.

 

I tried everything, followed all the advice on here by trying to keep busy, go out, improve myself, exercise etc. I even went to a hypnotist (as I was waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks). Nothing helped.

 

I found that I couldn't enjoy any of the usual things I normally love to do. Everything reminded me of him....

 

The only things that helped me were time (lots of time) and throwing myself into work. I got a second job at weekends (as I found the weekends unbearable without him) to occupy myself and to meet new people. I set myself a financial goal to work towards and made that my sole focus. I'm quite a driven, ambitious person- so that worked for me.

 

Try to think of something in your life that you find easy to do and enjoyable (for me that was my career) and set yourself a target to accomplish by a set time. You need something to distract yourself while time passes.

 

I decided that if I was destined to be miserable and alone, I might as well be rich, miserable and alone!

[patterned]

That he's not with you is all the information you need. Every day use that as confidence for you to move forward. Unless he's on his knees begging forgiveness you can be confident in your decision to move forward without attachment or hesitation.

 

No it's not easy, but I hope that bit of confidence makes it a little better.

[Limiya]

You're doing all the right things. Don't worry about if you're keeping busy for him or you. Just keep doing it.

Don't spend all your time moping at home thinking about him. It will make it harder for you to feel better, it does the opposite.

Keep busy with what you're doing, and also remember it takes TIME! It's still quite fresh for you and it will hurt. A LOT!

I remember i couldn't sleep, eat, or stay focused on much for long. I even went to the dr for a checkup because i was worried.

But again, it got better eventually. You have bad days and better days. You have to take each day at a time.

Fill up every waking moment with activities if you can, make goals. You need to be so exhausted by the time you get to bed at night.

 

You can read some of my old threads if it helps.

 

TIME IS EVERYTHING!!!

Limiya

[Clinton]

I'd say you still haven't accepted it's over and until you do you won't start to heal. Even then don't expect miracles. It takes a lot of time to get over a significant relationship.

 

You seem intent on still picking at the wound right now. You've resurrected years old threads on when your ex will miss you and getting back together movies. That behaviour isn't helping your cause.

We all want a second chance. The vast majority don't get one. You are the rule, not the exception. Accept that and the fact that it will take a lot of time to heal.

 

You'll be OK. We all get to the point where we are better whether we want to be or not. It just takes lots of time. Much more than we wish.

[ParisPaulette]

I am going to go into my "need closure" argument yet again. I do not understand or know where this idea that one is owed closure when a relationship ends comes from. It's not even a real thing. Closure was originally and still is more about people who lose someone to a sudden death who can't move on and it's an exercise they do with their therapist or counselor's guidance to help them let go and move on. Trust me, the dead person isn't there telling them, "Well, I died, because I just didn't love you anymore or I died, because I got bored." In short, people who do closure exercises in therapy aren't interacting with another person, they are interacting with themselves.

 

And that's what you need to do too. This guy abandoned you. There, I said it. It's nothing more than abandonment and it happens all the time and has been happening since time began. Some people just walk away--usually when they simply have no guts to begin with OR when they are in an abusive situation and need to flee for their lives. And I can assume from your post it's not the latter, so it's the former. The guy abandoned you, because he just didn't have the cajones to up and say, "Dear, I want out." And knowing why won't make you feel better, it'll make you feel wayyyy worse in fact. And then you're stuck trying to rebuild shattered self-esteem that wasn't usually your fault or anything within your control to begin with. What do you want to hear? "I left you, because I met that hot redhead at the local bar." Or "I left you, because I adore the newness of a relationship and then I get bored and can't sustain emotional intimacy." Or.or.or.or. fill in any of a billion reasons why people leave each other.

 

You need to pick yourself up, admit this guy just abandoned you, get angry and go punch the living daylights out of a few gym bags at your local workout place and move on. Closure comes from you, it comes from within. If you want closure do your own ritual to end the idea of the relationship and put it to rest. Write all your feelings in a journal then toss it in the sea, take all the gifts he gave you and take them to a local nursing home or other place that can use those things, do what I did and deliberately spend a day visiting all of "your" favorite places to make them your own again. Whatever will work for you that gets you to move on and show yourself, "It's okay. I'm alive and life is moving on and I am too."

 

Get the idea out of your head that he needs to come back and tell you his phony made-up excuses for why he just abandoned you. Someone who doesn't have the guts to end a relationship cleanly will certainly not have the guts to be honest. And it's an honesty that frankly you just don't really want. Do you really want your last image of this guy to be him criticizing you? No. He did you a favor, he showed his true colors, you go out and make your own closure now.

 

It'll be a much cleaner, better thing and you'll walk away feeling a whole lot better.

[Allipie]

^^^^^^^THIS

 

I wanted closure with my situation and i eventually 'got' it a year later....only to have it completely blow up in my face and expose a lot of lies that the a-hole told me. It sent me in this downward spiral...and I had wanted him back for the longest time AFTER he completely screwed me over. Trust me, you are better off not knowing his "reasons" for walking away and better off not having him around. And if your friends/family think he's a rat, then they're probably right....they have a habit of seeing what we do not see.

[AutumnBorn]

Daisy, healing is not a linear process. There are ups and downs along the way. You may feel you're at day one, but you're not. Every day you heal a little more, despite your feelings at the moment. There are better days ahead.

 

Something that really helped me was journaling and writing out everything my ex did that was insensitive, cruel, thoughtless during our relationship and all the annoying things he did that should've made his leaving a relief. My goal was 10 things. The list ended at over 100! Seeing all the crap there in my own handwriting really made me realize that all our years together were a miracle and I had been suffering more while we were together than when we split up. It was eye opening.

 

Purge your feelings and thoughts, but also use affirmations to help change your negative thought process. There's a great book on this (wish I could remember the name), but the gist of it is to write out short, present (not past or future), positive statements about yourself. I suggest you write 30 of them and, each day for the next 30 days, read them and write one of them out at least 30 times as you read that statement to yourself (writing works a different part of the brain and helps to "cement" the affirmation in your head.

 

Here's a good affirmation: I have a cute nose.

 

Here's a bad affirmation: I will not call my ex. (About him, not you; uses a negative word, "not"; and is future tense, "will".

 

Good: I am worthy of great love.

 

Bad: I am better off without him. (An implied negative.)

 

Good: I am happy with myself.

 

Bad: I will heal. (Future.)

 

Good: My wounds are healing.

 

Bad: I will lose 10 lb.

 

Good: I am perfect and worthy of love, just as I am.

 

Try it for 30 days. As corny as it sounded to me, but the end of 30 days I was the most confident woman I knew and felt so much better about my future.

 

Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

I'd say you still haven't accepted it's over and until you do you won't start to heal. Even then don't expect miracles. It takes a lot of time to get over a significant relationship.

 

You seem intent on still picking at the wound right now. You've resurrected years old threads on when your ex will miss you and getting back together movies. That behaviour isn't helping your cause.

We all want a second chance. The vast majority don't get one. You are the rule, not the exception. Accept that and the fact that it will take a lot of time to heal.

 

You'll be OK. We all get to the point where we are better whether we want to be or not. It just takes lots of time. Much more than we wish.

 

I agree that healing comes from within and you need to try to be your own friend and not your enemy.

 

The first step is to start to accept that the relationship is over. If you don't, you won't heal. Period. No amount of time or therapy will help if you don't accept that. Resurrecting certain types of threads will hurt you further if you focus on getting back together because it gives you false hope.

 

If you can't get into therapy yet, I'd advise immediately getting the book: "Journey from Abandonment to Healing." Read that asap. And go to work. As much as you don't want to, get up every day, exercise, go to work, keep busy and get plenty of sleep. If you lose your job, you will be in an even worse position.

 

I think you should do some google searches on how to find closure from within yourself after a relationship ends. It can help give you tools you aren't really able to determine on your own right now.

 

Healing is all about moving from living in the past to existing in the present and moving towards the future.

[LKDag]

I can't be angry at him I still love him and yet he doesn't me.

I don't have an answer for you, but I completely understand how this feels. I've been told that it's important to "be angry", in order to get over a relationship. No matter how hard I try- even when I think about completely legitimate gripes that I had about our relationship where I was in the right and she was in the wrong- I can't get angry at her. I couldn't a day after she broke up with me, I couldn't a week after she broke up with me, I couldn't a month after she broke up with me, and I still can't now, some two months later. I doubt that in three months, six months, a year, that I will be able to. Part of it is because I still love her and always will (in a "cherish fond memories and happy times" kind of thing) but part of it, I think, is because I feel guilty about everything. I'll obsess about the reasons she gave, think about the things that I did or could have done, and then I'll transfer that anger to myself (which in turn would make me feel worse).

 

So, my only piece of advice: when you start thinking and your thoughts spiral down those "what ifs?" and whatever else, don't blame, get upset, and get angry at yourself (even if you did something at some point that was categorically wrong that had an impact on your situation right now). You're feeling enough emotions right now, self-loathing isn't one that you should have to subject yourself to. There's a time and place to reflect on your situation and the things you had control over that lead you there, but when you're still hurting like you are, there's no need to do so.