Fiance's consist "waiting it out" when ill

[MisUnderstood9]

My fiance has a bad habit of trying to deal with the pain of illnesses or infections or whatever it maybe until it is unbearable. Earlier in the year he had a terrible terrible infection in his wisdom teeth, instead of calling the dentist like I told him a million times he kept saying oh, it will pass blah blah blah, until the pain literally knocked him out and I had to get my dad and my brother to come help me lift him to get him to emerge, where they pulled those damn wisdom teeth out and cleared up the infection. (THANK GOD!).

 

He has a stomach alcer that he's had since he was 17. Has a prescription for meds for it, doesnt take it. Well the last couple of weeks it's been acting up BADLY, he's been puking almost every morning and has barely ate anything. Ive told him for 2 weeks to call his doctor because he needs to get a new prescription (the one he has is expired) and he needs to get it taken care of before something bad happens like his wisdom tooth...well he's been pushing it off, keeps saying "oh it will pass, I dont need to go to the doctor"... well 6am this morning, he gets up for work and all I hear is him throwing up again, I go in to check on him make sure he's okay... Theres BLOOD in the toliet!

 

I freak out, tell him I am going to call my brother to watch my son and I am taking him to emerge. He tells me its okay, its probably not from his stomach he doesnt need to go to emerge, he'll call his doctor today and make an appointment. I of course went into our room and started crying, I am sooo pissed off at him. He does this with EVERYTHING, waits and waits and waits and waits on everything to the point where its too late and something drastic has to happen!! I told him that he makes me so mad when he does this because one day he's going to wait something out and it's going to end up killing him!! I told him that if I get home from lunch and he hasnt called his doctor and made an appointment and he is still throwing up blood, I am taking him to emerge kicking and screaming.

 

Why are men so afraid to seek medical attention? Do they think it makes them less of a man to admit they need help!? GOD!... end of rant.

[mhowe]

It isn't men -- it's your guy. A lot of guys are at the other end of the spectrum as well.

 

Please hold to your "threat" and get him to the ER. Throwing up blood is a HUGE RED FLAG.

[MisUnderstood9]

It drives me insane! like I don't get what his deal is, any blood coming from anywhere needs to be addressed with medical attention, for all he knows his alcer has ruptured and he may need surgery.

 

He knows how I feel about things like this.. my uncle was the same way.. his galbladder bursted because he "waited out the pain" and he ended up dying because the infection shut down all his major organs.

[annie24]

That's really aggravating. And tooth pain like that is so dangerous because the teeth are so close to the brain - if there is an infection, it can spread to your brain easily!! gah.

 

Tell him he needs to be a good example for your son and go to the hospital when he is sick.

[Limiya]

Oh my goodness, i feel your frustration. My brother is the same. He ignored pain for as long as possible until he started vomiting green stuff and it turned out his appendix had burst. It was touch and go and he was in hospital for weeks and weeks. Doctor said one more hour and he'd have been dead.

Problem is he is still like that even now, and not just with health. Anything that needs to be done will be put off.

[Seraphim]

You can die from a stomach ulcer as well as infected teeth. Apparently your guy thinks he's invincible. Everything he's doing to his body now he will absolutely sincerely pay for later. Have a doctor sit his ass down and have a talk with him.

[sadchick83]

The tooth thing was very dangerous. Your teeth are very close to your heart. I know of someone who dies because of a tooth infection which spread to their heart. Died at like 55 years old. Make him go. Do whatever you have to do.....Just saw what annie wrote-close to brain as well.

[abitbroken]

I think you need to accept that this is who he is. Either this bothers you enough to leave, or you have to stop nagging him about things. Explain to him that you love him and if he gets regular care, things won't get that bad that he has to go to the emergency room or just let him be to suffer his consequences.

[MisUnderstood9]

I think you need to accept that this is who he is. Either this bothers you enough to leave, or you have to stop nagging him about things. Explain to him that you love him and if he gets regular care, things won't get that bad that he has to go to the emergency room or just let him be to suffer his consequences.

 

I dont nag him and he knows I push for him to seek medical attention after its been a continuous on going pain or symptom for longer than a week OR things like the blood hes throwing up happens.

 

I don't see how leaving him solves anything?? he's stubborn, it's one of the reasons I love him and he doesn't trust our local hospital due to the treatment I was given 2 years ago when I dislocated my elbow and because of their neglience I almost had to have my arm amputated, so we both avoid it if possible. But, I will make appointments with my doctor or dentist the second any sort of irregular issue happens... him, he'll literally wait until the pain makes him pass out (like he did with the tooth infection) before he'll call his doctor or go seek ANY type of medical attention. He's been like this since the day I met him when I was 15... it just drives me insane, but its no reason for me to leave him?

[abitbroken]

What I mean is, if this bothers you so much and drives you insane enough - is it a dealbreaker for you? You have to operate on the assumption that he will not change or if he does, it is on his own terms. It doesn't matter that you have been with him since you were 15. Going forward, could you live with someone the rest of your life who does this? If you can, and all the other good things about the relationship outweigh it and "time in since 15" doesn't count - then you have to decide how to operate going forward in the future to not make yourself insane without enabling. In otherwords, find a way to not play "mom" to him.

 

Also, is there an underlying reason why he won't go to the doctor? He doesn't want to spend the money? mommy and daddy always decide for him? or what?

[abitbroken]

I love him and he doesn't trust our local hospital due to the treatment I was given 2 years ago when I dislocated my elbow and because of their neglience I almost had to have my arm amputated, so we both avoid it if possible. But, I will make appointments with my doctor or dentist the second any sort of irregular issue happens... him, he'll literally wait until the pain makes him pass out (like he did with the tooth infection) before he'll call his doctor or go seek ANY type of medical attention. He's been like this since the day I met him when I was 15... it just drives me insane, but its no reason for me to leave him?

 

I am so sorry that you went through that.

 

Then you say "if you were to find a doctor we trusted, would you go see him/her regularly?"

 

But this issue started WAAAAY before two years ago and is not the cause of it.

[MisUnderstood9]

Also, is there an underlying reason why he won't go to the doctor? He doesn't want to spend the money? mommy and daddy always decide for him? or what?

 

We don't spend money on health care in Canada, only things medical we pay for really are casts, slings, crutches, wheelchairs and prescriptions (some other medical testing but those are for like cancers n such). So money isnt the issue... His mom is the same way he is, she'll ride out pain until its unbearable. I think it just has to do with his stubborness mostly... He always says "He doesnt have to treat every pain likes he's dying" but, luckily he did do as I said and call his physician this morning. He goes on Tuesday so hopefully this throwing up blood nonesense doesnt happen again over the weekend.

[Supernova1607309611]

Two suggestions:

 

Either decide you don't want to marry a man who is so irresponsible with his health that he is not only endangering his life but also causing you unnecessary stress and worry.

 

Or else marry him and insure him for $1M and become a rich widow when he dies early from his negligence. I would be very open about telling him that. That if he is going to risk his health so seriously, if you are going to marry him, you are going to insure him so that if he dies from his negligence you won't be socked with all the responsibility and debt and no way to care for your finances. Maybe that will sober him up.

 

He's really got to be careful. People die all the time from perforated ulcers or have major surgery from the neglect, and they also die from serious tooth infections where the bacteria can easily travel either to the brain or into the heart. So he is being spectacularly stupid, not just stubborn.

[Supernova1607309611]

btw, this is not a 'man' thing. I've dated more guys who whinge about the tiniest little sniffles and run to the doctor than i have men who tough out intense pain. It is just really unwise and stupid behavior on his part and not related to him being a man. I think he just doesn't like doctors and has a false sense of security that he is invincible and nothing really bad could happen to him other than the pain, when pain and/or unexplained bleeding is a big indicator that something is wrong and needs attention.

[superfan]

The reason that men (on average) have a lower life expectancy than women is because they (on average) are less likely to see a doctor when symptoms crop up. Society tells men to "tough it out" rather than admit weakness.

 

I feel your pain....my husband is almost as stubborn. I had to DRAG him to the drug store to get his flu shot (which he never used to get until he met me and I made him).

 

I don't know what kind of advice to offer here other than to tell him how this affects you as well as him - how it upsets and frightens you to watch him get so sick and how you don't know how it will affect you if you get married and watch him allow his health to dwindle rather than seek medical attention.

 

I hope he gets help soon!

[greywolf]

A tooth infection can spread to the heart too! Also, not finishing his antibiotics?? I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, honestly. >_>

[greywolf]

If he would just go to the doctor and get the medical care he needs, he wouldn't need to be going to the emergency room.

 

Is it a reason to leave him? Well, think about it this way: I see these types of people all the time. I had one patient die from a preventable heart attack because he didn't refill his medications like he was supposed to. And what if he ever gets a medical condition where he needs to be really compliant with the doctor's orders? Do you see him ever following that?

 

As for the stomach ulcer, if it gets really bad, it can eat through the stomach and get into the blood stream which will cause sepsis which can lead to septic shock if not treated fast enough. Mortality rate of septic shock is not that great.

 

So for me, it would be reason enough for me to leave someone. I want to be a partner, not a caretaker of someone who may be a bilateral leg amputee by the time they're 50.

[Limiya]

Is it only himself he is so negligent with? Or would he be like this if someone he cares about is in pain?

What i mean is, if it was the other way around, would he insist you go to the emergency room or call an ambulance if you were in serious pain? Or would he ignore it and hope you get better by yourself?

It might be he doesn't hold enough value to his own health as he does with others?

[abitbroken]

Is it only himself he is so negligent with? Or would he be like this if someone he cares about is in pain?

What i mean is, if it was the other way around, would he insist you go to the emergency room or call an ambulance if you were in serious pain? Or would he ignore it and hope you get better by yourself?

It might be he doesn't hold enough value to his own health as he does with others?

 

How would he handle children?

 

Did his mom who was the same way take him to the doctor's, or was he only there when it was an emergency when he was little?

 

And yes, he endangers his family if he had little ones because he doesn't care enough about others around him to do the basics on himself.

[MisUnderstood9]

Is it only himself he is so negligent with? Or would he be like this if someone he cares about is in pain?

What i mean is, if it was the other way around, would he insist you go to the emergency room or call an ambulance if you were in serious pain? Or would he ignore it and hope you get better by yourself?

It might be he doesn't hold enough value to his own health as he does with others?

 

He is the complete opposite when it comes either me or my son being sick or in pain. He's the first to get medicine into my son or me when he hears the first signs of sniffles or a cough of any reason.

 

He's always been very concerning with pain as well when it comes me or my son, he rushed me to the hospital when i broke my elbow even though I was convinced there was nothing wrong.

 

I think its just him... he needs to have this "I am a tough guy, pain cant take me out" kind of thing.. I think it the "can't show weakness cuz Im the man" kind of thing.

[abitbroken]

He didn't learn it from dad. Its not the "tough guy" thing. Its from mom. Does she put everyone first and herself last?

[MisUnderstood9]

He didn't learn it from dad. Its not the "tough guy" thing. Its from mom. Does she put everyone first and herself last?

 

He's never known his dad. His dad's been absent since he was 6months old. So its definitely from his mom.

 

She had always put herself last only because she couldnt afford to worry about herself when my fiance was growing up. She's an extremely strong willed women I'll tell you that. She would sacrifice what she needed to make sure bills and food was there for my fiance growing up and that would mean her not going to doctors appointments or staying home sick just so she wouldnt miss hours on her pay cheques so I am very much assuming my fiance is this way because of her as well.

 

She isn't like that now though, after a long time of struggle she found a man who treats her like gold and she no longer struggles so she has been taking way better care of herself. I just wish my fiance didnt think he needed to tough things out until its to late, especially when it comes to things with his health.

 

He knows it makes me worry but, he does usually go when I tell him too and he does go to the doctors every year for physicals for his job so its not like he lacks in taking care of himself in general, he just does it when things spring up and he doesnt see them as "big deals".