step moms I need your opinions and advice

[mindless14]

My ex's new gf posted pics of my kids on her facebook. At first I wasn't really all that upset because they were pics of them with their dad and playing with her kids. Then I saw one of her holding my baby. I will say that she did say in the comments that it was her boyfriends son. But it upset me. Should it? Shes good to my kids, but I dont want her to try and be mommy. Just a female caretaker, the way an aunt or friend would be. Im happy that shes good to them and loves them but it offended me a little that shes posting pics as if their her kids. And also, idk who's on her friends list to see those. I post pics of them but my page ia private and only friends and family can see them. Should I feel a line was crossed or am I being overly jealous of her position in their lives? Can any step moms shed some light on how you treat your step kids well and love them without being mom? I am very involved in my kids lives, have them 4 days a week. I am not out of the picture. And she has only been dating their dad for a few months. am I over reacting?

[Idoltree]

It seems like you're reacting emotionally and having an issue with having another woman in your childrens' lives despite saying that you are okay with it. Logic versus emotions don't always line up. You talk about Facebook but quickly segue into how you want her a female caretaker and not mommy. Even you aren't clear on the real issue, and that's a clue to recognize that this is potentially your hangup/issue to deal with.

 

Facebook - You need to decide whether you are okay with her posting pictures of the kids at all. Yes or no. If no, then talk to your ex, explain why it's a problem for you and leave it at that. After that it's out of your hands, which is a byproduct of splitting with the other parent of your children. It sucks, but it is what it is.

 

If you are okay with her posting pictures, then stop trying to micromanage others' lives. She did not represent them as her children. She specified they were her boyfriend's kids. Would you get upset about a friend of yours posting pictures of your kids and specifying that they are yours? Would you be worrying about their safety? I don't think you would. I think you're reacting to a loss of control over a part of your life that you care deeply about.

 

I think you're reacting emotionally to visual evidence of another woman being in the lives of your children. Which brings me to wondering how you saw the pictures? If you are friends with her, that's great, but just recognize that you're going to see things that are going to hurt you, and recognize it is your "stuff" to deal with.

 

As for her being a female caretaker and not "mommy", you have no evidence whatsoever that's what's she's doing. She's not asking the kids to call her "mom." If she's going to be a stepmom role, then note the ending of that word. She would be doing some mom stuff, but that doesn't make her mom. You are the mother of your kids. They're not going to forget that! This is your insecurity talking.

 

If you're happy you have a caring adult in your kids' lives, then you need to get over yourself and your own pain. Again, I'm not minimizing it; what you feel is real, and it's par for the course for splitting with the other parent of your kids. But you are going to need to learn to take a deep breath, ask yourself what you're really upset about and if it's just a reaction on your part, and let things go.

 

If you don't, then you're going to create a high conflict situation, with you lashing out and ordering people around, and you will create problems for your children that way. You've got to live in a new reality now, where you can't control everything. Your kids' well-being should be at the center of everything you do from now on, and that includes making judgment calls to choose your battles (like if she were endangering your kids or telling them to call her "mom") so that your kids can enjoy the security of everyone getting along. It doesn't mean you have to be friends, it does mean you have to be respectful and polite to one another. That's the best thing for your kids, so play your part and consider counseling for strategies on how to deal with the emotions that crop up because of the loss of control.

 

(Former stepmom here. Big problems with the kids' mother because she couldn't accept the reality of the situation and wanted to be in control of everything, including our household. That didn't go over well. I had good relationships with the kids, but I was never was "mom", more "cool aunt figure". I didn't want to be their mom - they already had a good one!)

[ParisPaulette]

But a female caretaker like an aunt or favored nanny is also going to take pictures with the kids they're taking care of. I seem to remember your other posts about this and you need to address why you have such fears of her being thought of as the mother to your children. You need to understand the bond between parent and child isn't as easily broken or replaced as you seem to think it is. In fact, it's probably one of the tougher bonds to break hence why kids will try and win the approval of an abusive parent even through all of their adult lives, and why kids who are adopted into good families will still seek out and sometimes choose the biological parent over the adoptive one.

 

Be happy she's good to your kids, befriend her even. You have someone who can be an asset to you and I envy you, as a single mom I would have been so happy to have another woman to share my kids with. And then when my ex married a good one I was and still am so grateful to her for opening her home and heart to my kids. But at the end of the day I am still their mother, always will be.

 

And you will too. Your baby already knows your touch and voice from the womb even, that's not something that just goes away because another woman is kind to her.

[Iggles]

OP, how many kids and what are the range in ages? Was it a fairly recent break up? You mention the GF has only been in the picture for a few months. That sounds way too early for him to have introduced the kids. Have you both been lax and/or casual about having people you're dating around the kids in the past? If there hasn't been any formal discussions you should establish rules.

 

Unfortunately there are some guys with kids who are eager to bring their new lady around the kids, the sooner the better, because it's easier for them to have help with the kids and someone around play the surrogate mom/wife role. That said, the kids know who their mom is. Regarding social media, you can tell your Ex your preference that pictures aren't posted but you can't control whether he and the GF follow suit.

[Mesemene]

Honestly, I'd be glad he has a GF who sees the kids as an asset.

 

It's all too often that lust/attraction overcomes common sense and a guy (or girl) will start a relationship where the kids are merely tolerated, not cherished, by the partner, which can create a lot of conflict and confusion, and hurt feelings since the kids feel rejected through no fault of theirs.

 

There are things about my hubby's ex (gf) who is his son's mom that I don't like - but one thing I admire is she's supported me in a parenting role from the getgo and given full marks for my help and support. I've learned I don't have to love everything about her - but my kids (who are adults) are friends with her, and her kids, not just my stepson, are welcome family to us. Having backup for all contingencies, sickness, emergencies etc - is fantastic when you're raising children. Try to remember you don't have to like everything about her to appreciate her care for the kids - you don't have to be her bestest friend, just be willing to welcome her concern and relax knowing your kids are truly welcomed by her instead of tolerated as a necessary addition.

[Supernova1607309611]

The mental shift you need to make is that this isn't just 'your' baby, it is also your husband's child as well. So whenever he has custody of the baby, he can and will live his life and include other people (including a GF or future wife) in his life. So you can't control the details of how he lives his life with his/your child UNLESS you can prove that the child is endangered or harmed in some way.

 

I'm sure it upset you seeing his new GF with your baby, BUT she was not harming the baby. And if she is good to the child, that should make you happy that your child is protected and loved and cared for at its father's house.

 

I know it is hard emotionally because you are seeing your ex-husband with another woman, but the baby will always be your daughter, and might one day be this other woman's step daughter, so my suggestion is you try to get a grip on the jealousy and as long as they are good to your child and the child is taken care of and not harmed in any way, you need to butt out and stop trying to control them or obsess about this other woman.

[mindless14]

The reason she was in the kids lives so quickly is that they already knew her. She was a mutual friend before we split up and her kids played with mine. They got together almost immediately after we broke up and moved in together basically that day.

[Batya33]

You can ask your ex to make sure there are certain privacy settings (that are the same as yours) for the safety of the children. As far as her role, I don't think you can control that unless there is abuse/neglect/drugs going on and she is participating in that in some way. Sorry.

[DancingFool]

The reason she was in the kids lives so quickly is that they already knew her. She was a mutual friend before we split up and her kids played with mine. They got together almost immediately after we broke up and moved in together basically that day.

 

I am going to venture a guess that what is at the real heart of your issues and insecurities and pain is this ^. You still haven't dealt with being replaced so quickly so to speak and no doubt some part of you is seeking to understand why her and not you. What does she have that you don't, etc. The thing to understand is that relationships between adults may falter, but your children are YOURS forever. Nobody can ever replace mom. Period. Whatever the issues between you and your ex, whatever caused the break up, do not project those issues to your children. When it comes to children, it's a completely different bond. Relax and enjoy and realize that no matter what, you will always have your children and they will always have you as #1.

[mindless14]

I try to put myself in her position. To think about what I would do if I ever date a guy who has kids. How would I step into a care taker role without overstepping their mother. Im sure its hard and I sympathize with her on that. Im not sure what I would do. I did express to my ex that I dont know who is able to see these pics of my kids and that that makes me uncomfortable and that id like them kept private. All he had to say was that her taking pics with them doesnt make her their mom. All im asking is that she set the pictures to private so my kids are not all over the internet. My ex is in a well known local band, a lot of people from bars they play at are on their pages, not the crowd I want my kids displayed to. Yes, I admit, my jealousy of her as a mom played a part. But im accepting that and moving on. All I want is to know is that my children are not displayed on the internet and that if shes going to post pics she keep the privacy settings on.

 

I would like some insight from step moms out there on what you do in the role you play with your step kids and how you do it without overstepping g their real mom. Maybe that could help to me a little more comfortable with my kids having her in their lives. I have nothing against her personally. I actually like her and im happy that if someone has to be in that role that its her. Shes good to them and very respectful to me. I worry most about my baby. Hes 3 months old and shes been there since birth. With him 3 days a week since he was 4 weeks old. I dont want him ever having to be told which one of us is mommy. I know insecurity plays a huge part. Thats why I want some advice from step moms who have a good biological mom involved. So I can see her side a little better.

[Mesemene]

I would like some insight from step moms out there on what you do in the role you play with your step kids and how you do it without overstepping g their real mom.

 

Honestly - I mostly keep our interaction about the kids. I make sure to contact her regarding any groundings or issues they're having over at her house - and since they're here weekends, holidays, and a good bit of the summer, reciprocate letting her know anything of concern going on here, good or bad. We don't have a lot in common, so most of our communication is limited to the kids. I try to maintain what I'd consider a friendly and civil acquaintance-ship. There are times she's had issues, and felt she could come to me for assistance - and that's the way I want it. Anything that affects the kids can and should affect all of us. I don't really think about overstepping, because we discuss anything major ahead of time.

 

Example - I wanted to take the boys (our "real" stepson as well as his brother, who has always been included as family as well) to a rock climbing gym. As minors, it required a waiver - their dad (my husband) was working, so I sent her the website link and asked her to fill out the waiver if she was comfortable with me taking them. Since I wasn't the "real parent" I figured that was maintaining respect for her position since their other "real parent" wasn't available to come. They've recently added a stepdad into the mix, and after a few false starts, we've hit about the same balance with him - communication about the kids and keeping aside any personal or personality issues seems to be a BIG deal with us since we're very different and could easily have a ton of issues with each other if we got more personal.

[Iggles]

Shes good to them and very respectful to me. I worry most about my baby. Hes 3 months old and shes been there since birth. With him 3 days a week since he was 4 weeks old. I dont want him ever having to be told which one of us is mommy. I know insecurity plays a huge part.

 

You know it's an insecurity, so do your best to keep it from influencing your behavior.

 

It sounds like there was some overlap, and your Ex left you for her when you were pregnant/or just had given birth. Kudos for you keeping civil and all adults involved co-parenting with the kids' best interest in mind.

 

That said, he's a baby. He will learn what to call who in time. He will know you are his mommy. Since she has been there from birth, he will see her like a second mother. That's just how it is. Kids get attached to caretakers who show them love. It does not diminish your role in his life!

 

I think there has been great advice on this thread about the realities of co-parenting with step parents in the picture. When you have a new SO, your Ex will have to adjust with someone else playing the "dad" role in his kids' life as well. Kids will always know who their parents are, but they will also have the love of bonus parents which is a positive thing -- more love to go around. On the contrary, the saddest stories are the ones where the mom or dad's new SO is hostile/resentment of the children.

[redswim30]

Hi, OP!!!

 

I am a stepmom and I hope I can provide you a little insight.

 

Being a stepparent is tough job. It's a constant juggle of trying to do enough to show you care/love the children, while at the same time trying to show the parent that you aren't involved with that you aren't trying to intrude/replace them, you support their parenting choices, and you really just want to help.

 

First off, I think you need to recognize that you are fortunate that this woman is good with your kids. There are some stepparents out there who want little to do with them, or abuse them. The fact that she is glad they are in her life is a good thing.

 

2. Your children don't just belong to you. The older they get the more people will enter their lives- boyfriends, spouses, best friends, colleagues, other people they associate closely with. Learn to share them. Them loving someone else does not equal them not loving You.

 

3. VERY few stepparents are trying to "replace" you. This is a common fear, but rarely is it reality. I love my step-kids, but I am not nor do I try to be their mom. Their mom is their mom. I just try to do my best to be a kind, caring, positive force for them. They like me, sometimes they love me, but they don't view me as their mom. In fact, I am usually the one telling them to respect their mom, be kind to their mom, help their mom out more.

So, please understand that she may be supporting YOU in ways you don't even realize.

 

4. Being a step-parent is hard work and we don't always get recognition. It's a fine line, if I do too much- I'm overstepping, if I don't do enough- it means I don't care. Unfortunately, a lot of society still has biased against step-parents as if we aren't real parents or couldn't possibly love the children.

We are often judged, rarely thanked, and if we ever have a bad day, we often get hit with, " well, that's what you chose by getting together with someone who has kids". I always want to say, " Having a difficult day with the kids does not equal not loving them or wishing them from my life." Just like a regular parent.

Try as best you can to be kind to her. If she does her job right, the children's bio parents get praised. If she makes a mistake, she is blamed.

 

5. Realize that she probably wants your support and approval even if she doesn't say it. My dearest dream is to one day have my husband's ex-wife recognize me as a part of the kid's lives. I can't tell her that because she hates me by virtue of the fact that I am her ex's new wife. She will never really accept me no matter how many wonderful things I try to do to counterbalance this negative image she has of me (though I've never done anything to her)

 

If she and I are never best friends, I can accept that. But she doesn't really understand that I genuinely love the children, that I don't undermine her authority, if anything I actively support her choices (though she won't speak to me unless it's to insult me), that I have NOTHING against her, I don't speak negatively about her in any way, especially to her kids. I do not wish to be their mother and I know I never will be. I do love them as my own, because I take care of them as my own. I post pictures of the kids and I, but purely out of love for them, not any other reason. And even if she never likes me, my deepest wish is that someday she will accept and recognize that I am a part of the family. And that my love for the kids will never be the same as they love they have for her, so it doesn't hurt her in any way for them to love me as well. I hold onto that hope.

 

And for all the effort, support, tears, smiles, homework help, sickness caretaking, hobby supporting, driving to classes, cooking, cleaning, doctor visiting, fundraiser helping, vacation taking, bill paying, future research, college visiting, holiday/birthday celebrating, and endless other things I do for kids that aren't even technically mine(though to me they are just as important as though they were!) I feel I am entitled to just a small portion of their love.

 

I hope this has provided a little perspective.

[redswim30]

^PS I wish I could have a more constructive relationship with their mother, but she won't allow it. All she does is insult me. If she would let me, I'd happily co-parent with her and help her out even more than I do now. I try to run things by her through my husband. I see them when we have visitation, I reach out to them when I feel it appropriate, I never undermine what their parents have decided, I try to be supportive in all things, I help out when asked.

 

If she could be constructive with me, I could help out MUCH more and unburden her at times, but again she won't allow it. It's a shame because I really want to help the kids more and give her more breaks. My advice, communicate about the kids calmly and constructively. My best advice- " It's more important to be a good mother than a vindictive ex-wife.".

[redswim30]

Honestly - I mostly keep our interaction about the kids. I make sure to contact her regarding any groundings or issues they're having over at her house - and since they're here weekends, holidays, and a good bit of the summer, reciprocate letting her know anything of concern going on here, good or bad. We don't have a lot in common, so most of our communication is limited to the kids. I try to maintain what I'd consider a friendly and civil acquaintance-ship. There are times she's had issues, and felt she could come to me for assistance - and that's the way I want it. Anything that affects the kids can and should affect all of us.

 

You are SO lucky!!!! I wish I could openly communicate with his ex. It would really be SO much better for the kids if we could. I have tried multiple times, but she won't do it