need to vent. opinions?

[mindless14]

My fiance of 6 years and I split up 6 months ago. He cheated and left me when I was 6 months pregnant. We also have a 4 year old. Up until now we were still good friends. Getting along great and co parenting pretty easily. Now his gf says hes not allowed to talk to me unless it regards the kids. So fine...we dont need to be friends as long as we're friendly in front of the kids right? But he seems to have really just gone crazy. Being really mean. He told me that he doesnt care that he said he'd always be here for me because it causes too many problems for him and told me to not contact him unless its about the kids. I agreed and apologized. But the problem is he's refusing to even answer his phone now when ive called a out things such as our sons medical bills and an issue our oldest son had at school. He said if hes trying to relax he doesn't have time for me. I dont get it. He was always such an incredible father. He also texted me this morning to tell me that the baby came back to him with "raw skin". He has dry skin underneath his neck as babies get when they have those baby fat rolls and ive been taking care of it with aquaphora and his pediatrician is aware as well. Is he trying to find things to use against me to take the kids? We promised each other we'd never take this to court. We worked out a great schedule and agreed we'd both pay for what they needed while their with us and split anything else instead of either of us paying child support. Ive tried my best to befriend his new gf and have been nothing but respectful to her even after all they've done to me. He told me right out today that I need to back up and leave him alone. Im worried that animosity between us will hurt our kids and im beginning to worry that he'll take me to court for custody. I dont want it to land there and I will not take him to court but id also like to be prepared and protected if he tales me. And it just hurts. We really were best friends and hes been the only person I have there for me. And now im in this alone and he doesnt want to be there for me. He doesn't want to be my friend. Because his gf will not allow him to be. He promised me he'd never allow her to come between our friendship. What do I do? I feel alone and angry and very sad for my kids. And im worried. Really worried that he may try to get custody. He is a completely different person now than he has ever been. All for a woman he met 6 months ago.

[mhowe]

He is not trying to find things to use against you so he can have the kids. Do you think his gf wants your kids? No.

 

You guys worked it all out --- great. Well, now his gf is in the picture. So get thee to a lawyer and draw up a formal agreement. She likely resents the

money spent on HIS kids, and is aiming to get him to stop.

 

Doesn't say much about his moral character that he is bowing to her whims over his kids.

 

YOU take him to court for court ordered child support. You are not a passive victim and you owe it to your kids to have the financial means to support them.

 

You are being naive. His gf will not allow ---- is your ex fiance a man or a mouse?

[Cheetarah]

Girlfriend can't dictate and say he's not 'allowed', so understand this is his choice. At any time he could tell her to get real and over herself.

 

It sounds like either she is threatened by your coparenting relationship, or she feels like too many boundaries are being crossed. You keep stressing best friends, always there for you, all alone, etc - Is it possible that you or both of you were behaving in a way that is bordering on inappropriate?

[mindless14]

We were closer than most exes are. But at this point im not trying to talk to him at all about anything other than matters concerning our kids. And he has yet to spend any money. He has offered and has not followed through or I have not accepted money for certain things. I even send formula and diapers with the baby rather than him buying it himself when he has the kids. Im worried about my older son noticing the change and being hurt by it.

Also, can my being in therapy impact anything he wants to bring against me in court? Its not a legally obligated program or anything. I just signed up with a counselor to help me work through issues within myself and have someone to vent to. And I have not told him about it.

And she does want my kids. She even called a lawyer and cps for him asking what his options are to be able to gain custody. And their lawyer is one of her best friends and the woman she spoke with at cps is friends with her mother.

[reinventmyself]

""We really were best friends and hes been the only person I have there for me. And now im in this alone and he doesnt want to be there for me. He doesn't want to be my friend. Because his gf will not allow him to be. He promised me he'd never allow her to come between our friendship. What do I do?""

 

This may be hard to hear but he's trying to set some boundaries for you, his gf and his kids.

By what you've written it appears you may be overly attached to this man and he is trying to create some balance and distance.

 

You can co parent and be great parents as well as communicate but it doesn't need to include being `close friends'

It seems to interfering with his current relationship.

 

You need to be able to separate the issues. You two are parents and can work well together. Just because he is creating distance between you two personally doesn't mean he is any less of parent to his kids.

 

Therefore the notion of custody and courts is a mute point unless one of you makes it an issue.

My heart goes out to you but you need to emotionally detach from this man and rise above this for the sake of your children.

 

There is no need for animosity if you choose to not feed into it.

[mhowe]

No, your being in therapy cannot be used against you.

Besides, he doesn't know about it anyway.

 

And him taking you to court --- he isn't doing anything for his kids now.

 

Then get yourself a lawyer and take him to court for child support.

 

Her "lawyer" is her best friend, and the woman at CPS is her mom's friend.

 

Stop allowing them to dictate how things will be for YOUR children. YOU are their mother and their advocate.

[SooSad33]

Sadly, you can't really be 'friends' with an Ex. YOu're broken up now. You both need to understand this.

And yes, it IS best to seek legal advice now as to visitation rights, support etc. To cover YOUR own butt. If there is NO reason to have those kids removed from you care, they won't be.

 

Most times they remain with mother.. unless otherwise.

 

You two are not that far in to this BU. 6 months? It is probably his hot/cold (confused emotions) acting out now.

Do NOT take all he says to heart.

 

But.. in the end...

"And it just hurts. We really were best friends and hes been the only person I have there for me. And now im in this alone and he doesnt want to be there for me. He doesn't want to be my friend. Because his gf will not allow him to be. He promised me he'd never allow her to come between our friendship. What do I do? "

- Like I said. you can't expect to be friends now. Or be able to rely on him etc.

He can't be there for you anymore.. and this is something I see ie hard for you to accept but you have to.

 

How about some therapy? You have a lot on your plate and it might do you some good.

 

One day at a time. Break ups are never easy

[reinventmyself]

""Also, can my being in therapy impact anything he wants to bring against me in court? Its not a legally obligated program or anything. I just signed up with a counselor to help me work through issues within myself and have someone to vent to. And I have not told him about it. ""

 

No. Courts advocate for counseling and will see it as a positive.

[CatsMeeoow]

If the kids have always resided with you then the courts will not upend that unless he can prove serious neglect... like you left your kids in hot car with the windows up...

 

That being said if the gf is seriously meddling with attorneys and cps then don't play stupid or the victim. Go... seek the advice of an attorney. Even under the best of circumstances it is always best to have a formal agreement in place for things like child support and care. One can always opt to pay more, help out more, have more visitation but at least having some guidelines so that no one feels angry that they are doing more than their share. Child support is a straight forward mathematical calculation. One could argue the true fairness of that but at least it is applied uniformly in most cases making it about as fair as you can get.

 

At some point one of you was going to move on. I'm sorry things are changing and I'm sure its very stressful. Get some legal advice.

[Cheetarah]

And she does want my kids. She even called a lawyer and cps for him asking what his options are to be able to gain custody. And their lawyer is one of her best friends and the woman she spoke with at cps is friends with her mother.

 

She probably doesn't want your children as she wants you out of the picture. I mean, he did cheat on you with her, so I'm sure she has it in the back of her head, or subconsciously, that he could very well do it to her as well.

 

And if this is true, why doesn't the sheer idea of it drive you to at least just speak to an attorney? Man, when my ex told me he was going to take my son from me, I had a lawyer retained that week. On some level I knew it was just hot air, but then again you can never be certain and I didn't feel like messing around anymore, having to deal with that, living my life that way worrying like you do about counseling and such.

 

It was really the best thing I could have done. You needn't just sit there passively biting your fingernails worried your children are going to be 'snatched' from you at any given moment.

[mindless14]

Ive accepted that him and I will not be friends. But hes taking it to extremes refusing to even answer his phone when ive sent texts saying its an important matter about the kids that I need to talk to him about. I just want to be able to parent with him not around him. We've always been able to communicate and keep things as consistant for the kids as possible and now that doesnt seem to be possible.

[mhowe]

You don't text him and say "it's an important matter about the kids". You email him the "matter" so that you have documentation that he didn't respond.

And you keep track of it.

 

You ARE parenting your children without him around. He pays for nothing. He doesn't want to answer you. So you do what you see fit.

[mindless14]

He doesnt use email and has taken to texting im guessing so that his gf can see what were talking about. She has gone as far as to ask me to forward her texts he sent me in the past. Now shes probably going through his phone. I just dont understand where this came from. We were together 6 years and ive known him for 12 years. I have never known him to be this kind of person. All I want is to keep everything as consistant and happy in front of the kids as possible.

[mhowe]

You cannot modify his behavior.

 

You can only modify yours. His interest in his children seems to be waning. Take precautions.

 

You cannot go backward. Only forward.

[Cheetarah]

Your head is going to explode if you focus on "I don't get why"(I still do it in therapy...2.5 years later). I still don't get some things. Don't try to get why for now, put it on the backburner and instead lay your focus on trying to get things squared. Since it is true you cannot modify his behavior - What is a logical next step to securing consistency for your children? Custody decisions...a parenting plan...child support.

[bulletproof]

Ive accepted that him and I will not be friends. But hes taking it to extremes refusing to even answer his phone when ive sent texts saying its an important matter about the kids that I need to talk to him about. I just want to be able to parent with him not around him. We've always been able to communicate and keep things as consistant for the kids as possible and now that doesnt seem to be possible.

 

It seems like you're talking about separate issues. The friendship, and his parenting.

The friendship is over, at least for now. He's not obligated to be friends with you. He just needs to be civil, polite, and coparent effectively with you.

Perhaps the two of you should decide what "important matters" are regarding your kids. Perhaps he doesn't want to be texted about minor decisions?

It's good that you're in counseling. You might also want to start working on a bigger support network so you don't feel so alone.

[reinventmyself]

Ive accepted that him and I will not be friends.

 

If you read your original post it sounds as if you haven't accepted that you can't be friends. Much to the contrary.

 

I was divorced with 2 young boys and rarely, if ever needed to talk to their Dad about much other than schedule changes. I wouldn't text him about rashes etc. .

 

I get the sense that the `importance' of the messages you need to share have an emotional obligation attached to them rather than necessity.

 

I am only pointing this out because of concern that if you push this issue you may very well end up

in court.

[mindless14]

The things I have been calling him about since this all happened were not minor issues. It was medical bills for our son, a school meeting for our older son, holiday plans (who gets the kids when for trick or treating) where to pick up the baby on our usual day to switch off and an issue that our older son had at school. these are the things he seems to feel are not necessary to talk about.

[reinventmyself]

. .just curious as to what would happen if you didn't initiate any contact and backed off enough to let him inquire about these things concerning the kids.

[mhowe]

He is losing interest in the kids....and since he has NEVER given you money, I wouldn't expect that to happen until the courts mandate it.

 

A school meeting --- then you go.

Holiday plans --- for Halloween. You have a four year old....you take him. I don't think the 6 month old is going trick or treating.

Where to pick up the baby --- if there is a set time and a set place.

 

So ---- it looks like you are trying to get him to interact, and he won't. So you take the reins and take care of your children.

[reinventmyself]

To make your own life easier and for the sake of the kids you need to adjust to the idea that you are parenting the kids on your own when they are in your care.

You are not part of a unit with a man who is with another woman.

They are looking out for themselves and you should be doing the same.

 

Please speak with an attorney. It doesn't mean you need to act on it at this moment, but knowledge is power and it will probably put your mind at ease at least a little.

 

"We really were best friends"

 

Darlin' this man cheated on you when you were carrying his 2nd child. He is not someone you should trust or count on.

[sophie274]

Well, given the fact that he cheated on his new girlfriend with you several times over the summer, I can understand that she's not exactly crazy about you two spending time together. Nevertheless, as others have said, I don't think you can blame her for his behavior. He is entirely responsible.

 

I don't have much to add. I just wanted to note the cheating, because it certainly puts his girlfriend's misgivings in a different light.

[Cheetarah]

Oh, I had no idea about that. That certainly sheds some light. This guy is really stand up, isn't he? Keeping it going in a circle.

 

What is the most concerning and upsetting is what all your actions are doing to these children.

[mindless14]

The reason I need to ask where to pick up the baby is because his work schedule varies and aim weeks I pick the baby up from him and some weeks from the sitter. I never know where to go or who is watching our son unless i ask. And yes. He lied to me multiple times telling me they were broken up/ on a break and talked to me about getting back together and we slept together in the summer. It was a mistake and I was very vulnerable and he really had me believing he had come to his senses and was coming home to his family. And I dont feel that my actions are hurting my kids. Im trying to keep their father involved in their lives which Is why I split holidays and notify him of things like school meetings. Growing up my mother completely discouraged and did everything she could to try and prevent me having a relationship with my father and I resent her for it to this day. I want my children to have the beat relationship possible with each of us and grow up seeing us having a healthy co parenting relationship since they will never see us have a healthy romantic relationship and will never have their family together. It hurts losing a end but it hurts more that hes seeming to either lose interest in the kids or is hoping that I will.

[Cheetarah]

I read your past threads and you say it makes you sick knowing that he holds her at night after being with you, and that you don't want to share him. That doesn't sound like you were lied to.

 

I'm not one to crucify people for matters of infidelity, but yes it DOES have the potential to hurt your children and I don't understand how you cannot see that. I mean, here look what's going on. New girlfriend is flipping out, wanting you to forward texts, trying to nudge you out of the picture. Your ex is pulling way back from his children and not just you, that's a real problem.

 

Your own childhood experiences, or lack of, paint your own perspective...I understand you want your children to have what you didn't. But you can't make him give them that. I get it(really, I actually get it). He's not biting on what you are throwing out there, so you really have to swallow it's a possibility things aren't going the way you figured they would or wanted them to go as far as coparenting. And I want to say one more time, if his girlfriend is meddling talking to attorneys and CPS, you need to take some actions of your own.