Finally Giving Him a Chance

[LadyBug1988]

So I've had this guy friend I met in undergrad 7 years ago and we have never lost contact with each other. In school he was captain of the basketball team, full academic scholarship, ridiculously popular and had tons of girls after him. He expressed that he was interested in me, but his "groupies" found out and began confronting and antagonizing me so I left him alone. I guess based on that experience, I pegged him as a player and never gave him a chance. He was a very nice guy and we had many friends in common so we left our relationship on a friendship level.

 

Throughout the years he has consistently reached out to catch up with me, to hang out, and see if I'm okay and how I'm doing. We graduated in 2011 and since he has become a tremendous part of his community as a schoolteacher in one of the worst schools in our state, and is also looking into his master's. He's still very close to his mother and sisters, has an abundance of friends and is extremely well liked by everyone. He got out of a very toxic relationship 3 years ago and now feels he wants to settle down as he's almost 28 and for the first time knows what he wants in a woman.

 

I'm finishing up my last semester of grad school and approaching 26 so I understand where he's coming from. I was in a very abusive relationship that I went through a lot of therapy for in the past and I have been single ever since (and honestly not looking either). Since I've recently moved back in state he has persistently been trying to see me, and after a few months of it not happening, I finally agreed and we had one of the best dates I've ever been on. He was the perfect gentleman, and being with him was so much fun, just like catching up with an old friend. He's very attentive, affectionate, open, accepting, respectful, and everything he was as a friend that I sought in every guy I've ever dated. I feel so comfortable with him, and my intuition tells me I most likely won't regret dating him, plus our mutual friends are super excited and supportive of us.

 

The closer I get to him, and the more I talk to him I wonder why I never dated him in the past. My guards are still up sky high, but I wonder if it's necessary. He has this old-time charm and class that I've only seen in my grandfather and elderly uncle. Respect is a priority in all of his interactions, and I'm thrilled these disenfranchised children he's teaching and mentoring have such a pristine example of how a man should dress, carry himself and treat others. He's the type of guy you'd want your son to be just like.

 

With that being said, my concern (that one of our mutual friends thought of) is since he's been diligently chasing after me for the past 7 years, what will he do once he finally gets me? Will he feel like he's completed the conquest and move on? I feel like he wouldn't, but it's scary to me. I'm finding it difficult to make myself vulnerable, like he'll use it to hurt me just because he can. He understands what I've been through and is willing to take things very slow with me cause he's convinced I'm the type of person he wants to be with. I love how gentle he is with me and I love his temperament.

 

I don't know what my problem is... Do you guys think this is a good idea?

[Clio]

I think that entering a relationship always involves some risk to get hurt. This is no different. He sounds like he deserves the risk that you would be taking and if you take it slow and don't get your hopes high then there is a good chance of it working out. If he treats everyone with respect then I would say that this is a good sign. People will always show you who they are if you pay attention to how they treat their loved ones and third parties. I would suggest that you try to give him a fair chance, that is do not make him pay for the hurt that someone else caused you. In the same time, do remember the lessons that your past has taught you. Honest communication is paramount. Take it one step at a time and you should be ok. Relationships are always a risk. He sounds like a risk worth taking even if it doesn't work out.

[catfeeder]

what will he do once he finally gets me? Will he feel like he's completed the conquest and move on?

 

Wul, geez...that's the exact same risk we all take with every relationship. The difference is, we're all unique in the degree to which we'll project this particular scenario onto someone as a potential outcome--and our dates are all unique in the degree to which their character and behaviors 'earn' such suspicions.

 

So break it down: in the past you assigned to this guy a certain character based on the behaviors of others rather than him, which is your projection rather than his earned suspicion.

 

Fast forward to present: he's still done nothing to earn suspicion, yet you're still projecting...based on what, exactly?

 

I'd suggest getting out of your own way. You either trust your own capacity to get to know someone, in person and over time, rather than hang yourself up with your own mind constructs--or you don't.

 

I'd stop all the analysis and get to know the actual guy. And I'd enjOy myself in the process. And I'd pop back in here to report to all the nice people who have their fingers crossed for me.

 

Reach.

[LadyBug1988]

Hi Catfeeder,

 

Thank you for your response! You make a great deal of sense, he has done absolutely nothing to earn that suspicion. I'm just going to go for it and I'll update

[LadyBug1988]

Hi Clio,

 

Thank you for your response, I think he's a risk worth taking as well. Talking things out with others really helps me get out of my own head. I'll keep you updated

[uniqueme]

What are you waiting for?? He's the perfect guy..and no I don't think he'll just move on. Get him already!