Am I in the wrong?

[Owlgirl]

Ok so, there is a lot to this relationship.

 

And I ask to please read it all. Because I am confused and don't know if i am making the right choice or if I am in the wrong or not. Help me please understand this all.

 

 

We've been dating for almost 2 and a half years. a long distance relationship. 9 year age gap. Me being the younger one.

He was my first boyfriend. So I'm extremely inexperienced.

 

In the beginning he said a lot of the right things. He accepted all of my likes and oddities. As well as my body, which I wasn't very happy in at that time.

 

But also right away, we had issues with his most recent ex of 6 years. She was having issues, since just before I came along, they were talking more again.

She would start coming over, and whenever she did, he either muted his mic or hung up on me.

 

I kept my mouth shut for awhile, until she sent me a message saying hoping we break up.

That's when I asked him to no longer talk to her. To not see her anymore.

And for a little bit I thought he was following my wishes, to a extent, but I was wrong. He was talking to her whenever she sent him messages.

So I asked again and he promised...again.

But soon later I found out he asked her for a ride, twice. So I got pissed, since he didn't actually tell me. I found out or had to ask and then he told me.

 

Then finally after a year of us going out, I thought the ex was gone for good. But I was also afraid to ask him anymore, cause anytime I brought up the question if he's spoken to her or seen her he'd get upset.

 

Then when I had been visitng him in his home, he got a phone call. He looked at the number but didn't answer.

But almost right away the phone rang again with the same number. This time he picked it up and it was her.

So in the back of my mind I'm thinking "so if she tries calling multiple times in a row, he'll always answer?"

 

But as far as I know, that was the last contact, only because I'm afraid to ask and upsetting up old wounds.

 

At the same time I was there during this call, before I left, he promised me he'd come in 4-5 months to my home to meet my parents, family during my cousins wedding, where he could meet all my most important people in my life.

Well, a month before he was suppose to come, he lets me know he didn't have his passport, like I had been led to believe.

 

So I'm pissed I was lied to. And yet again, another promise broken.

 

Well the wedding comes and goes. And a month after that wedding, some other things came up, and I voiced my opinion, and he didn't like it and yelled at me.

Saying I was controlling him, and I asked how? And he said by making him stop talking to his ex, who he saw as a friend still.

And he told me he resented my for making him stop talking to her.

 

That hurt. Horribly.

He apologized that same night saying he didn't mean it.

Yea ok, I don't think so.

 

So time goes on, in the back of my mind I am always asking "is he talking to her again"

But I never ask out of fear.

 

And now fast forward to now. It's been over a year since we've last seen each other in person.

I can't go to him because his roommate, his brother, who moved in, would have to leave while I'm there, meaning he'd have to take vacation time. Which isn't really fair to him, so I haven't wanted to go there.

 

And I have been trying to get my BF to come her and meet my family. It's been over 2 years and he has yet to meet my parents. Which in my eyes is bad. I'm traditional and I think my BF needs to meet them asap.

 

He claims the reason for not coming is money. So he's been saving. Well in the past couple weeks, he's had a couple big things he's had to pay for that were unexpected.

 

Then out of no where, he bought a new tv for $400.....

Like I know he needs it, but isn't he suppose to be saving money to finally get here like he should have a long time ago?

 

So I'm angry, and ask him about it and say I don't think it was smart..

 

Well he blows up on me. Saying I'm controlling him again, and im not worth it.

He can't even buy himself something, when I'm always getting something.

 

Well for one, I only get $20 every so often. I don't have a actual job. And atm, I have no bills, so I am trying to get the things I want, before I do have bills, which I will have to save no matter what starting in 2 years when I won't have parents to help since both will be retired by then. Which I'm not complaining.

There's been some reasons why I can't get a job atm, but that isn't importnant to this.

 

He calls me a spoiled brat. And that's when I've had enough. Told him to eff off and I'm ending it.

 

Well, he has now apologized, and realizes he was a ass, and should have never done that, that I didn't deserve it.

But I don't want to take him back, because it won't Change.

 

He will always be mad whenever I ask about a problem I have about him and me, or anything serious.

He can't handle talking about serious issues and gets mad. Every time.

 

So I feel, it would be a stressful life if I stuck with him. Always walking on eggshells and afraid to ever talk about the problems.

 

But am I in the wrong?

 

Should I have not been angry, since I'm being "selfish" for wanting him to come here before he buys himself a big purchase that he has been wanting for awhile?

 

Should I give him another chance, or is this a lost cause.

 

I am also afraid, I will never find someone who would be willing to accept my oddities. Since I do have a few things I have that not many will understand or think is ok.

 

 

I don't know what to do. Please help me understand this.

 

And if there more info you want, ask away, and I'll do my best to give it if there is any.

[NIN2000]

I am sorry to tell you but your boyfriend was playing games with you. You should have dumped him after the "second time" you caught him talking with his ex.

 

It's not the point that he was talking to her but how he lied to you and once he noticed that you wouldn't dump him he kept going back to her. He used you.

 

You are not a spoiled brat but a young individual who is only starting to live. Do not ever forget everything you experienced with this guy. You should use it to learn from your mistakes and also the possibilities of life. He used your youth and inexperience against you.

 

You did well by dumping him and finally realizing that he will not change and if you take him back he won't change. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Do not forget it. Learn from this and move on in life.

[SpottiOtti]

You will absolutely find someone who can accept you for who you are . . . in fact, the best quality people I've ever met put a premium on idiosyncrasies and understand they are what make people unique and entertaining.

 

As NIN says above, learn and remember from this. Don't let someone lie to you and jerk you around like this again. This guy was older than you and he knew more tricks, and he used that fact to manipulate and control you. Next time you encounter a person like this, see them for what they are.

[Charlie123]

I don't think it is wrong that he spoke to his ex, but I do believe that he should have respected your wishes more and been more open. Being lied to is the worst thing, but when an ex is involved, its even harder to deal with because you may end up feeling that things are being hidden from you.

 

It seems to me that your boyfriend wasn't completely sure what he wanted. One part of him was serious with you and wanted to make you happy, but then the other part wanted to still talk to his ex, and not meet your family or talk about your issues etc. I think there must be something better for you out there. The relationship you had sounds stressful and I don't think you were in the wrong at all. Good on you for dumping him and realising that things will not change. I know its not always an easy thing to take action and do the hard thing. Move on with your life and do things that make you happy

[Owlgirl]

Thank you. You all are just confirming what I thought, but I couldnt help but over think things and wondering if it was right.

So you all helped thank you

 

@Charlie123 - oh I agree, I woulnt have cared if he talked to his Ex. But he was allowing her to cross a line, that should have been respected.

When there is a 600+ mile and a country borderline to worry about, I dont think its fair to allow your ex into your home, to hug you, and to go out to lunches or dinners when you just started a new relationship, and it is obvious to everyone but him, that she wanted him back.

 

thats how I saw it

[Gemini528]

Sorry to say but this is not a relationship you haven't seen him in over a year, he puts no effort into the relationship, he handles problems immaturely by just getting upset and discounting your feelings, and he never gave up his ex. You should not feel like you're always walking on eggshells w the person you love .....it's stressful to be in a relationship of that nature.

 

You worry about someone else not accepting you for who you are but do you truly feel that he has fully accepted you and that this is the type of relationship that you want?