Dumped out of nowhere; need a shoulder and perspective

[blackcat777]

This is so painful to even write... I made an account to post here to take some pressure off my limited support network before I drive someone insane.

 

I guess I need a sympathetic ear, and if anyone can offer some insight, solace, support, thanks in advance, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm hurting so much and I don't even know where else I can reach out, but I know I need help from... somewhere.

 

So... I was dumped. Out of nowhere.

 

What happened? Here it goes.

 

I walked into a room one day and was taken completely by surprise: a light opened up from the sky, shining down on this guy, and I KNEW. I just knew. (I had one other relationship like this in my life and it was pivotal to my self-development.) I hit it off RIGHT AWAY with this guy and the connection was incredible. We hung out a lot as friends, though he pursued hanging out with me to a suspicious degree, and every second spent together was nonstop awesome, fun, laughter, deep conversations, and we both challenged each other to think in new ways.

 

I thought he was... oh, 23? He thought I looked... probably 23?

 

The truth was more like he was 19 and I was 27, but it NEVER felt like there was an age difference when we were together.

 

He treated me like a queen (the flip side to this was I grew up and no longer tolerated people who treat me badly in my life; this was my first experience with something that was truly good, without a hidden agenda, it felt pure). He was so sincere, true to his word, he always called, always wrote, always made me crafty, beautiful gifts, and appreciated me. He was BRILLIANT beyond compare, so smart, and had shouldered a lot of responsibility that set him ahead in terms of maturity. He always had something illuminating to say and his perspective was a gift.

 

The night he finally kissed me, the chemistry was explosive and we had sex (I told him this was it and it was exclusive if we did, before we did). Not *the best* thing to do, perhaps, in hindsight... but at the same time, it really was. (Counting him, I've been with three guys in ten years.) I fell asleep with my head on his chest that first night.

 

For 5-6 nights/week (barring busy weeks, vacations, whatever) after that... I slept with my head on his chest. Every. Single. Night we were together. It's been heaven.

 

I felt schizophrenic about the age gap in the beginning. Our time together was awesome and totally normal, but there is definitely a set of head-trip issues that accompany an older woman in an older woman/younger man scenario, and I had them full on while we were apart. It hit me, probably two months in, age gap be damned, this man is such a gift in my life, I needed to get my head together STAT and figure out how to make it work. I never felt such an urgent urge to work on myself and get to the core of how people relate.

 

I felt like this was an opportunity to learn to REALLY open myself and love again, as a whole person. No baggage, no strings, just love, love, love, and heaps of it.

 

I had learned from past relationships before and did a lot of growing up, but his sincerity revealed to me I was still running a lot of old patterns that I needed to ditch if I wanted to keep a man. So I had this revelation, this wake-up call.

 

I went on a self-help binge. I had to learn to communicate and reconnect with myself as a woman (I developed a more yang way of living over the years), and tried to understand and appreciate the male perspective. This stuff is important in any relationship, but it seemed extremely critical if I wanted to see how far something with a considerable life experience gap could really go. I read a ton of Renee Wade, Evan Marc Katz, Patricia Allen (*found Bonnie Weil too late).

 

And all that balancing of masculine/feminine, and learning to speak from my own vulnerability (rather than complaining, nagging, telling a man what to do, controlling, etc.), not only worked wonders for ME being happy with ME and how I choose to operate... but it worked WONDERS, miraculous wonders for our relationship.

 

We had an awesome friendship/compatibility (10/10), nuclear chemistry (10/10), and then we learned to communicate. There were obviously dicey issues with the nature of the age gap that had to be aired and discussed. I am not in a place to consider children before 35 (this is my stance before AND after him). If something was upsetting or we disagreed, we never came close to fighting, we could work together, make a strategy and figure it out. Over time, we both revealed some deep, dark secrets. We established the most raw and intense emotional connection, and he started coming to me first when he was distressed.

 

We had it all. In the hindsight of me being the idiot that screwed up my past relationships, I knew that to have A) attraction B) connection and C) the mutual willingness to communicate was GOLD... and, I started to think he was The One.

 

He also told me I was The One constantly. He talked about living together (I told him I didn't expect to hear a word about it until he's done with school). He pursued me right until the bitter end...

 

We did nothing but fun and exciting things together all the time. We were in constant amazement at how much fun we always had, how we were always laughing and so happy. We went camping, went to concerts, he started learning to do yoga with me (then we did partner yoga), I started learning to dance with him (and then we did partner dancing--when we went out, people told us we were magic, commented on our chemistry and asked if we were in love). We found all kinds of beautiful crazy ways and places to make love. We went for walks together, went swimming together, had romantic dinners at home together (he made a constant ritual of lighting a candle). He would braid my hair, we did body painting together, we made music together, we did arts and crafty things together. There were tickle fights, snowball fights, pillow fights. One night I even got a hotel for a surprise and threw him in a bathtub full of jello (um, YOLO). Life was great.

 

We never once sat and watched TV because there was ALWAYS something fun and awesome to do!

 

**I did still manage a legitimate amount of time to myself and for myself. He had a lot of family obligations, I always set him free to be with his friends (and insisted when we had plans but his friends wanted to chill last minute, I said GO WITH YOUR FRIENDS!, which he did), and our work schedules were different. There WAS a sense of healthy balance--I just wanted to make the point that we made the absolute most out of every second we could spend together and were never stuck in a rut. Some days, he'd see me in the half hour I had before leaving for work, or super late at night just so we could sleep together, even if one of us had to leave in the morning.

 

There was a ton of physical affection. I really did sleep with my head on his chest every night we slept together. It was my spot.

 

I had seven months of this bliss... and honestly, not a single bad thing to say. Not one.

 

We had one fight once. One. We realized it was ultimately a failure to communicate and that set us back about 12 hours.

 

When it hit me early on that this was something special, I did my best to remain conscious to appreciate him and respect his needs (especially for space, time with family/friends, and to support his decision-making process). Me in the past would have screwed some of that up, so in recounting all of this, I do feel a sense of peace when I think about the love we cultivated and proud of myself that I grew enough to catch on and let it flourish.

 

So what went wrong?

 

He was moving away for college (40 minutes from me). We both knew this going into the relationship. I really thought it would be no big deal--he already lived 30 minutes away, and for the first half of our relationship, I didn't have a car (long story).

 

Things were normal until two days before he left (a Thursday). I sensed something was wrong. All the sex from this point forward was uncharacteristically brief, but I didn't question him and chalked it up to nerves before leaving (and he still took care to made sure I was satisfied). I gave him a drawer for his belongings, and he took his clothing to pack, but left the things we bought together and the things I had made him. The drawer really sent me into an unconscious spin, and add to that, I started PMSing, so I was emotional.

 

Thursday night he stayed over and I cried--the drawer made me nervous and I was scared about how we would adjust to the change. He won't have a car for his first year, and I was worried how that would affect the dynamics of our relationship.

 

I let him go Friday.

 

I asked if he could give me a call Saturday night. I knew he was busy settling in and I didn't want to make everything me, me, me. He called, things were normal, he told me to come and see him Sunday. He was super loving in communication.

 

Sunday we had an AMAZING day together, were intimate (not sexual, intimate) and being there to acquaint myself with his new surroundings was a total relief. I was really happy. I felt like we made it and the transition would be easy. He wore the crazy cat scrubs I bought him for his birthday (joke gift, but he loved them) that Sunday with pride. When I went to leave, he begged me not to go and told me to go on a walk with him for longer.

 

I sent him a quick I love you message that night (nothing out of the ordinary), and let him know that I was so happy with everything, happy to be with him. We were always routinely vocal with gratitude for each other, so this was nothing odd.

 

It was the last message he ever opened from me.

 

No contact Monday. Thought he was busy, but this was extremely unlike him.

 

Called briefly Tuesday and told me to come over Wednesday night. Said he was going to investigate what the rules were for off-campus visitors (my guess is a big, fat none allowed). He didn't read any of the messages I sent him Monday or Tuesday... again, unlike him.

 

No communications Wednesday. Still hadn't opened anything I sent him. He never answered Wednesday night.

 

One of the reasons I loved being with him was because he NEVER left me hanging, not once, ever. My friend texted to ask if he was okay and he never opened my friend's text.

 

In the middle of the day, Thursday, he phoned to say he was sorry and that he couldn't do the relationship anymore. Refused to explain. Mumbled something about the distance.

 

I asked him if he just wanted to take a break, he said no. I told him if he ever wanted a hall pass he could have one, but I never imagined that we'd actually have the conversation. He said no. I asked him if he didn't think what we had was worth trying to figure out. He said no. I asked if we could meet for lunch in three months and he said he'd like that very much. I told him the door is always open. I made the most terrible sounds when I cried.

 

He cried at the end of the conversation.

 

Mutual NC ever since. 20 days today.

 

I immediately got everything that belonged to him (god, there was a lot) out of sight and out of mind. Dropped it off anonymously on his parents' porch in the dark of night two or three days after the breakup (found some old takeout bags from when we would get Chinese together, with big smiley faces that said, "Thank you! Have a nice day!" and used exclusively those to bag his stuff, heh).

 

I've never had a breakup hurt remotely this much before in my life.

 

I lost fifteen pounds the first week, not from not eating, but from my digestive system being in complete and constant turmoil. I can't sleep properly. Fits of crying come on strong out of nowhere. I can keep it together at work, but that's about it. I feel the worst in the mornings.

 

Yoga is the ONLY thing that makes me feel normal. I started taking long walks every day (avoiding the places we walked). I can't focus on anything mental. I play the piano, but sometimes I can, sometimes it makes me cry like an idiot.

 

My emotions are all over the place. I went through shock, had days where I felt nothing but anger. I didn't want him back, didn't want him back.

 

In the first week, I was determined to keep moving, because anything other than movement would equal death. I did yoga all day, socialized whenever I could, and set up an internet dating profile just to theoretically duty date, practice being social, get out of the house, whatever (okay, and the ego boost was nice for a day or two). I do not want a rebound and there's going to be nooooooo lovemaking with anyone else for a long time.

 

Yesterday, I realized, deep down, I do want him back. It was a revelation (or maybe another stage of denial?). I thought about all the love we had, and for all the pain I felt, when I actually thought about the love... I felt strangely at peace and like it was the only right answer. I would NOT take him back on any terms besides him coming back, saying he freaked out during a major life change and threw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

I read Make Up, Don't Break Up in a day. I hope he goes through the eight week "pit," realizes something good was lost, and does come back to me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. He fits the profile of Freudian asserting independence/accepting reconnection issues outlined by Weil to a T, and he has had a lifelong struggle with his mom micromanaging him. I feel like in asserting his break away from all of those other issues, I got broken off in the process. But whether or not there will be rainbows and unicorns...

 

I considered if he had used me the entire time or if he was some kind of sociopath, but it really seems like the occam's razor explanation for what happened was that there was too much change, the new circumstances (business, lack of car, lack of any place for me to readily stay to see him, after we had spent so many nights together) were daunting... but that he really did sincerely love me the whole time. Everything was so. good. the entire time. Really truly so good, which is why this is the worst kind of mind job ever.

 

I know I can't stop trying to rebuild my life, and that he may never ever come around. I blocked him, unfriended his friends, it's NC NC NC all the way. I will continue to do my hobbies, see my friends whenever I can, and persevere in the duty dating just for the duty of it (not so much for the love of it).

 

I know he has a lot of life to experience and the whole world to explore. I knew this going in and had my initial doubts... but ironically, by the end, I was pretty convinced that I'd be able to share the experience with him.

 

If you love someone, let them go...

 

Thanks again to anyone who took the time to read this ridiculously long post and reply.

[BigKK]

hi blackcat, that's a tough one to swallow honestly. Sounds like you are very perceptive and also took a lot of time for self-reflection during and after the relationship. My only guess is he was overwhelmed and is still a youngin' at 19, perhaps couldn't deal with it all, and unfortunately didn't give you solid reasons. I'm sorry you're hurting, I think anyone in your position would be left scratching their head wondering how the hell could anyone throw away something so great. I felt like that a little over a year ago.

 

I'm sure you'll do the right thing, perhaps he will return perhaps he will not, I want you to know that from the sounds of it, you're going to be fine, but there is nothing to spare you from the pain. You will go through it, and analyze this inside and out (sounds like you already have) and still be left with the dismal truth of it being over. Continue with your path and the only hope I can offer is it does get better, and take the experience as a gift...and the pain will cause you to grow and learn as well. Perhaps for him, perhaps for the next one, the right one, whoever that may be...I learned that the hard way, and after having vague memories of the pain I'm happy I went through it all... came out a different, better person, and surprised who was waiting for me on the other side. Well...not waiting for...I had to find her, chase her down, and then convince her I'm great...but you get the picture. Cheers, welcome and all the best. I found it therapeutic to share my experience with strangers, hope it helps you out as well.

[Clinton]

You had a fling with a kid who was headed off to college. This relationship while special to you, never had the potential to last.

 

Unless all you were after was a fling, you never should have invested yourself emotionally here.

 

You will recover but don't hang your hopes on reconnecting with him one day. This is done for good.

[Ms Darcy]

Clinton is right on the money. This never had any traction. You are a full grown woman who wants forever. He is a kid who is still figuring out who he is and enjoying experiences. Not anything wrong with him and no mysterious psychology behind it.