I found disturbing photos of my wife she had been texting to other guys.

[PiercedPoet]

So my kids were telling me about the fun they had at the go-kart track while i was at work the other night, when my youngest 6 said moms boyfriend was there..... Wow... I thought it was a joke she was suppose to meet her sister there to check up on her while my wifes parents were out of town. So i question my Wife about who all was there and she said That her Friend from school was there with them. No big deal i just thought i should have been told about it and it wasn't kept from me. My kid was going through the laptop and looking at the photo stream and i notice some erotic pictures of my wife. I then Noticed there is another login for facebook, i type it in using old password of hers. Wow chats and messages from numerous guys that she is telling i am abusive to her and she want out our Marriage. This is a shock to me we have been Married for 15 year this coming February sending pictures and having a good old time. I question her on she says its just talk away to release stress. I asked if she had felt i have ever been abusive towards her in anyway , the thought of that just kills me. She says i am rough sometimes when I though i was playfully. I told her i was hurt and the secrets are what was hurting so bad. We talked cried and made up. the next day she fell asleep early and i was cuddling with her when her bra beeped, her ipod was in her bra and she had just recieved a text from one of the guys. I go back through the texts and right after we had made up she snuck away to the bathroom and was texting with this guy saying hit the fan and i had found out. I was a that she has been un happy with for the last 15 years. Devestated i read through these and i wake my wife, I thought there were no more secrets.... Its just talk. She now tells me she want a polyandrous relationship and want to find another husband to join our family. I'm actually have fallen into what could best be described as severe depression. Betrayal isn't the only thing that hurts a marriage. Feeling invisible hurts quite a bit as well.I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from you that you still care.You claim to love me but are so distant and seem to care more about your phone at times. It hurts tremendously. I feel like I'm going crazy. Yet I find myself feeling drawn to her, and intensely wanting to preserve our relationship - maybe its because she is pulling away. I'm really at a loss these days and admit that I have allowed this situation to weigh me down and really affect my life. I feel rather out of control in this at the moment, and am frightened.What adds to my frustration is the knowledge that she want a very active sex life, but it feel like she just dont want one with me any more, Feels like I have to take all the initative and almost force her to be with me. I don't want to force her to be with me I want her to be happy and me to just add to her happiness. I want to be the soil that allows her love to reach full potential but if i am the soil she must need me to thrive she cant grow just leaving me behind, i want to be a part of what makes her her and I want to be needed and feel her love. The pain I am experiencing has intensified.I have never known such stress in my entire life. Jealousy burns through my mind as I imagine what she wants to do to someone else. At alternating times I feels rage, guilt, remorse, love, hate, despair I am lost and confounded. I contemplate the details of what her and her lover may experience together. I don't think I can stand it, and that sense of panic is evident in everything I do. My work suffers and my face reveals the strain I am under. I am trying to give but do not want allow myself to be used. Trying to love but do not want to allow my heart to be abused. Trying to trust but don't want to be naive. Trying to listen to her, but don't want to lose my own voice. I am lost and need her now more than ever i need her to hold me and be there even if she is busy and don't feel like talking, i need her to call and message me when we are apart, i need her to want and hold me when we are together and reasure me that she wants and need me just as i want and need her! I don't want to feel invisible any more please does anyone see me. Totally lost and confused!

 

 

Sorry for all the gramatical errors ahead of time just had to write down what i am feeling and try to work through some of this stuff

[Silverbirch]

I think you should look for a counsellor who would be suitable for you, and give yourself time because this I a really big thing you are having to deal with right now. We don't know your wife so nobody here could say for sure what is happening. Could be that she is just different to mainstream people with an exceptionally high sex drive. I know of people from the turn of the century in England who came to be referred to as the Bloomsbury a Group, and there were those types of marriage with people teaming together for many years, in some cases lifetimes.

 

However, I don't think there would be many couples who could have that type of marriage and be happy, but there definitely are and have been such couples.

[kiacher]

I'm so sorry to hear this and I imagine it would be really really really difficult to handle. This month will mark my first year anniversary of marriage and even at this early stage I would be incredibly hurt if I was in your position.

 

I can't give amazing advice that will suddenly help you to fix everything but as a woman I can only imagine that she has been feeling as lost as you feel now and perhaps for a long time. There could be many reasons maybe she wants to reclaim her identity as a person rather than a mother and a wife or maybe she just doesn't even quite know herself why she is talking to all these men. This doesn't in any way excuse her going behind your back but I think sometimes it can be easier to run away from problems and talk to other men than to face the fact that you're not entirely happy.

 

I feel like maybe she has been feeling unhappy for some time and instead of coping with it logically and being fair to you by speaking about it, she has chosen an easy coping strategy - escapism. It's classic and although it's highly probable that these chats don't really mean anything to her and that she's not actually getting any sincere happiness or joy from what she's doing, it probably just seems like the easy way out.

 

The only thing I would suggest is talking it out and I don't just mean mulling over it like couples usually do after a fight. I would just talk to her as if you haven't been her husband for 15 years. Tell her to pay you the respect of being brutally honest about how she feels and if she feels she has more to give in the relationship. The reason why I say this is because, from my past experiences, when someone has already checked out emotionally and mentally from a relationship there is not much you can do - it has to come from them. If she wants to see things further, to a happier day together and if she is willing to put in the time and effort to reach that point, then anything is possible and there's nothing you can't pull through.

 

Once you get pure honesty from her, I recommend not making any rash decisions - maybe even just go away for a few days on your own to clear your head and feel like a person in your own right instead of her husband. Think about what you want from your relationship, what you need to trust her again and whether you are willing to put in the time and effort too. Once both of your wants and needs are on the table, what you should do will be pretty obvious. Throughout, maintain respect, listen to each other and make sure you are comfortable with moving forward with your decision - whatever it may be.

 

I wish you all the best and to go even further for the cheese factor I'd like to mention a simple but favourite quote of mine... "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”

[agent1607307371]

She now tells me she want a polyandrous relationship and want to find another husband to join our family.

 

Which is hilarious because look at how she's behaving to one husband. She does not have the ability to be in a monogamous relationship, she definitely couldn't work a poly one.

 

I think you need to work this through and decide if you can stay married to someone who tells people you are abusive, and has her boyfriends around your children.

[Fudgie]

I think it's beyond sick that she would bring her illicit lover(s) around her children. How did your youngest know that it was "mom's boyfriend"? They were probably making out or something in front of the children. That's DISGUSTING and damaging. I feel badly for the children.

 

For me, it would be an instant dealbreaker. Her desire for a poly marriage is laughable. I think at this point, you two need to seek out counselling, just to do damage control and decide what you want to do next. I would do marriage counselling as well as individual. Find out what you want to do. Reconcile or divorce her cheating bum.

[lerenard]

Wow, this is crazy... I am sorry you are in the middle of that right now.

 

Your wife sounds like a big big liar, and she is tangled in it till her chin now. She can`t stop.

 

She needs attention from other men to feel like she is worth it, and she betrayed your marriage and your family.

I disagree that these are "just chats" and she is just trying to cope with something. If it was like that, why immediately message that guy and tell him that you found out and that they should hide themselves from now on?

I also wouldn't count on her pure honesty from now on. She was caught twice red handed, and she continued to lie. Jeez, they have kids together, its not like she is 20 and kissed a guy drunk in a bar.

I would get all the evidence you have that she cheats and betrays you, and divorce her.

 

Totally agree with Fudgie. But I personally wouldn't invest in counselling with someone who did that to me and our family.

[Fudgie]

Totally agree with Fudgie. But I personally wouldn't invest in counselling with someone who did that to me and our family.

 

Oh, I agree totally, I find the fact that she brought her flavour-of-the-week in front of the children utterly despicable.

 

But even if they divorce, I still think therapy would be great even just for OP and his children. He needs to do damage control with them. Who knows what other smut she has exposed them to?

 

Talking to a lawyer now would be good too. Even if you don't ultimately divorce, you should get your ducks in a row NOW in case you do. I would be certain to mention that mom brought her f-buddies out with the children and the children are aware that she has a "boyfriend" long before you even did! Oh boy, a judge is going to love that. Use her infidelity against her so you can paint her as a bad mom (she is) in court and hopefully you can get the max custody and she can pay more in support. Make her pay!

[hurtinheart]

Yes, OP needs individual counseling and to divorce this scumbag. Nothing to reconcile here.

[Doug73]

Morning Poet,

This hits a nerve for me in the worst kind of way. I can honestly say I know how you are feeling. Sounds a lot like what happened to me. Only difference really is that my ex-wife never did fess up and request that type of marriage. She wanted her cake and to be able to eat it as well.

I first had suspicions of my wife having an affair after I stumbled accross an email account that wasn't familiar to me. There were pictures of herself sent to yet another email of hers I knew nothing about. The pictures were not dirty, but she made sure she looked her best for them. When she woke up I asked her about those pictures and who she sent them too, cause I know they weren't sent to me. She told me they were submitted online for a weight loss challenge she was participating in. I thought that was odd as she was already in impeccable shape. I asked her which site she was participating in as I wanted to see it and she told me flat out it was none of my business. I thought it was harmless enough. We were together for 15 years as well.

Fast forward 5 months and I found out for sure that she was having an affair for the 5 months previous. Well, I was devastated. We talked, we argued I even went to the guys house. Not to confront him but to inform his wife that this was going on as he was also married with children. When we got home we talked some more and she was so very apologetic. She was crying her eyes out. She didn't want the marriage to end & wanted to work things out. I forgave her right there and made the decision to work it out.

Fast forward 3 months, I found out accidently there were 7 other guys that I didn't know about. All continuing affairs. It never stopped. I only found out about the one guy. She met all of these random strangers off of Craigslist, casual encounters. She would entertain them at my house during the day while I was at work and the kids were at school. Needless to say, the marriage ended right then and there. Since, she has tried everything in her power to completely ruin me and my life. Tried to have me arrested. Trying to have me fired from work. Has kept the kids from me for a month here and there. She does not like the fact that I have moved on and that I am happy.

In anycase Poet, if you feel that you are able to share your wife as per her request with who knows how many others then that's great, everyone is happy! If this is not what you want I seriously suggest you end the marriage. I know it's hard & to date the toughest thing you will ever do but you will be fine and in the end you will be happier. She's a cheat & a liar and had no regard for you or your children. My opinion only, I don't believe she will change, no matter how much therapy and counselling.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I really do know how you feel.

[Doug73]

Please let me also add that there were never any issues in the bedroom and our sex life was fantastic and plentiful. She never once let on she was unhappy. It always appeared we had a very happy, healthy & strong marriage.

[Lester]

There is no greater pain... brace yourself.

Her being in public like that signals to me a full blown affair.

 

Can you account for most of her time away from you? (Past and present?)

Has there been a big change with her time away and when did it start?

 

First Aid:

- Stop all pleading and bargaining with her.

- Reduce talk to nil. Become strangely aloof. (You must get her back to thinking land.)

- Don't tell her anything you may be doing to save, (this forum, books etc.) or dissolve the marriage. (Lawyer and collection of financial information.)

- Stop being an open book to her.

- She will notice and start phase two of her fantasy; Blaming you. When she starts tell her these words exactly. "Bite me... now pack your bags and go." (See most likely won't but don't be surprised if she does.)

- Decide if you want to be married to her. (Were you compatible from the start? Was it a trapped marriage?)

- Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" TODAY. Never let her see this book and forget all the watered down junk you think you know about TL.

 

 

PS, It's late.

(Please use paragraphs!)

[lostandhurt]

Rewriting the history of your marriage, claiming you are abusive, lying, cheating, disrespecting you and your marriage, openly having her bf around your children are all things counseling will not help. These are actions of an extremely selfish person that sees you as a paycheck and provider while she goes out having fun.

 

Counseling will not fix a cold hearted person like this.

 

I am sorry but you need to look into getting a divorce.

 

Lost