How Can I Demonstrate I've Changed?

[twiggy02]

Hi all! My ex and I have been broken up for about four (LONG! months now. A few weeks ago, he agreed to counseling because he wants things to work out in the end but is hesitant that things will go back to the way things were before.

 

We were unable to uncover that my ex felt I wasn't motivated in the relationship to make him/us happy. This was eye opening for me and it is true, I became depressed because I wasn't doing things for myself which then reflected in the relationship (being lazy, not spending time with friends, letting myself go, etc.). My share of the household chores went undone; sometimes his requests for sexual activity were denied or if he was ready to spend time together at night before bed watching tv (that was really our together time during the day), I wasn't ready because I had other things to do. In hindsight, I regret all of these things because they really were easy things that I could have done.

 

While we’ve been in contact, I still have taken time to focus on myself (lost 33 pounds and have started having fun with friends again) and evaluate what went wrong in the relationship. I REALLY want to make it work and I know I'll be completely invested the second time around, this has been a really eye opening experience. The problem is, he still has reservations and fears about getting back together - I'm not really sure how to show that I HAVE changed. Actions speak louder than words. I don't live there anymore, so it's not like I can demonstrate that I can keep up with my share of household chores or go to bed around the same time to have time together. We do see each other occasionally and sex has been amazing in both of our opinions. Anyone have any ideas on what else I can do to show that I have changed?

[Ms Darcy]

The real question is ... are his feelings strong enough to try again. Because no matter what you say, things will eventually settle and some old issues will reemerge to a lesser extent. So give him space to decide and work on your issues for you and your happiness alone.

[SooSad33]

It's good that you two have come to agree that there have been some troubled area's of your relationship and is is good that YOU have started working on it... and him as well.

First of all, he can't exactly EXPECT everything to change.. for his well being.

A relationship does take time and work, yes.

 

Good, you've lost some weight ( was this an issue?.. i hope not). And you've taken the initative to get out with friends more.

Sure, you can help out more around the house..

But, when it comes to something like bedtime 'rituals', that can't be a guarantee. If you're busy, then you're busy!

Sure, you can TRY to goto bed same time, but some leeway does need to be accepted with that.

My parents don't always goto bed same time. They have a business and mom may be in bed long before dad is.

 

Yes, it is good to work out possible a date night once a month or to make sure you two DO spend some quality time together.

But, in the end, there does have do be some exceptions. So, is HE willing to accept that?

Don't forget.. communication is a must too.

 

I suggest.. you just keep on with yourself for now. It's been 4 months. Give another cpl months, see how things are then.

Then maybe suggest a date out... a week later, an overnight? etc.

It needs to go slowly as if it's a NEW relationship again. Go slow.. give it time.

[gdgfx]

Hey twiggy02, it's fantastic that you have identified the problems caused by the way you acted in this relationship and that you are now deep down ready to make it work. The answer to your question; "How do I show that I have changed?" The answer is you CAN'T, unless you HAVE changed and what that means is exactly how you describe, actions speak louder than words and that's a perfect way to explain your own question with technically, the answer you provided yourself. So ACTUALLY changing, undoing the personality you acquired through the actions you chose to take in the past, making sure you think before allowing the opportunity for the same mistakes to happen again, being emotionally, physically and mentally ready for a relationship and knowing what you can and cannot do , being realistic and not trying to be someone you are not, respect yourself, respect your limits and your own personal space, make sure that your life is in order first because if you really really REALLY are serious about investing into this relationship for it to be long term and prosperous, you need to have everything in your life going right. Now, I don't mean ensuring you have all the money in the world, all the coolest celebrity friends, a wardrobe full of designer clothes that cost more individually than an average working class yearly salary, I think you what I mean... don't focus on fantasy, on becoming someone superior and immortal. Focus on getting your feet back on the ground, becoming a better person yet remaining to be yourself in terms of the person that attracted your partner to you, you can be ready within yourself and your life without having everything you want and dream of, and let's face it it's not healthy and realistic to set your goals TOO HIGH, but in terms of everything you NEED like your emotional stability, your mental health, a job, healthy relationships with friends and family and related to that; a healthy social and personal life. All those are PARAMOUNT not only for a relationship but a healthy mind and a healthy mind compliments your end of the bargain in terms of your side of the relationship.

 

Change takes TIME. See, it's common that a lot of couples give each other 2 weeks, maybe a month, even only 2 months. These time scales just aren't enough. Change doesn't take 2 weeks, you can say you have changed but really; have you adapted from your mistakes, have you really learnt your lesson? Unlikely. Time is the greatest healer yet time also makes the heart grow fonder, and the more you are dedicated to changing and being that person your partner fell in love with, the more time just seems like a privilege and not an enemy. If you trust each other then time shouldn't mean anything. The biggest, hardest part of taking breaks is the initial realisation that now you are alone, you aren't together anymore, you are single and it's a bigger world out there than you first thought. But the best route to take is the route that makes you accept your weaknesses, assess your strengths and visualise and eliminate your mistakes. In that time period, you'll no doubt go over different situations in your head, re-think why when and how it all happened, and that's good, that's you changing. You rationalising and concluded these events with an informed insight into what happened, why it happened and why it won't happen again and that's why 2 weeks isn't enough nor 2 months. Sometimes, a time scale of something like half a year can be perfect. And look, if you love each other, half a year is just a half a year. It's a great test for love and devotion, dedication and passion. And if you can get through a break, and come out as the person you once was, the person your partner fell in love with, the person that is now the real deal and no imitations then it good well be the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

That being said, changing isn't verbal. Sure we can all say we are sorry, we can all write the sweetest apology letters and miniature novels, and in many ways that might encourage forgiveness and encourage someone to continue being in a relationship with you but all that said and done, actually being the person you talk about in the way you act, the way you come accross and the way you live your life in and out of a relationship is what has the biggest impact on change. Actually spending that time away to CHANGE. To fix the issues, to accept what you have done wrong and think of better ways to face situations because let's face it, we always face situations, some trivial some a little more serious and in the spur of the moment that nasty reaction could provoke an entire situation that could be the end of the relationship. Now we don't think like that usually, when we are love-strong we tend to think that nothing can stop you from being with that person but the truth is, doing things that the person doesn't like and going against simple ethics and basic guidelines of a relationship can really do a number on your partner emotionally if not physically. So if you THINK, and you learn to respond differently, learn to make allowances and learn to give even if you don't feel like it, if you are with the right person, you'll get it back ten-fold. Maybe not straight away, but having that person there and having them committed to you, exclusive to you and there because you held onto them and kept them because after all, you love this person as much as she/he loves you and that is best return you can get; unconditional love.

 

Love works in mysterious ways, but just resigning to the fact that you have something incredible that could be so simple by just doing whatever makes you both happy is a hell of a lot more easier than fighting against something you chose to pursue in the first place. Appreciate the simpler things and the more deeper things will seem that bit more special.

 

Hope I helped

[Kerring]

How long were you together for before you broke up? I'm in a similar position. We broke up because he didn't trust me, even though I did nothing to give him cause for concern. I couldn't ever get him to talk about his trust issues. I tried to ask him if it was something to do with another relationship or if it was something I was doing - I couldn't get through, so I didn't know how to help sooth his concerns.

 

It's been nearly four month, although I have bombarded him with emails and texts which was the worst thing to do when he wanted space. I am scared I've pushed him further away to the point of no return. His friend called me and told me to stop - even threatened to call the police - although the pair of them are drama queens. It's now been three weeks of no contact. I plan to write a letter sometime next month to apologise and ask him how he is because I still love him and at the very least wish we hadn't parted on such angry terms (he was so angry with me even though I wasn't cheating but would never talk to me about what the problem was until we had a huge row and he really said some very hurtful things).

 

I think the lesson I've learned is that it takes time. If your partner needs time to trust that you've changed give it to him. As difficult as this will be for you in the short term. It will feel frustrating every time you sense his doubts and it could start to make you feel insecure (my ex and I tried getting back together and I promised to make things better so that he could trust me...but I freaked out every time he got moody or insecure because it made me insecure).

 

So you have to be strong for him whilst he learns to trust that things will be better. But don't let it go too far. Give it a few months where you say to yourself "I won't get angry if he doubts that I'm committed, I'll try to support him through his doubts" and if after this period of your saintly behaviour things don't improve, you have to give yourself a break.

 

The worst thing in relationships is beating yourself up because of the other person's issues.

[t1lersm0m1]

The only way to prove to someone you've changed, is to just be yourself and show them through actions. If you've truly changed, then your actions will show this. If the change is just a facade to get someone back, then with time you will slip back into old habits and he will be gone again.

[abitbroken]

But, when it comes to something like bedtime 'rituals', that can't be a guarantee. If you're busy, then you're busy!

Sure, you can TRY to goto bed same time, but some leeway does need to be accepted with that.

My parents don't always goto bed same time. They have a business and mom may be in bed long before dad is.

 

 

I disagree - if being in bed together is of utmost importance to one partner, and the other partner is not up because little ones need comforting, or they get home from work at midnight, or its a fluke thing like a late night conference call, I think the other partner should make an effort to have that intimate time most of the time - whether it means they hold eachother or have sex and then one person gets up for awhile and goes and does things for another hour before bed, or makes it a point to get those things done during the day so they can do so. If "BUSY" means doing housework, playing video games, etc, then you are telling your partner they are not important enough. Every family or couple has a ritual or something important - either making it a big point to eat breakfast together (aside from emergencies) because they have differing schedules at night, or having that time to be in bed together to unwind about the day - it is hard to hear the other is constantly busy.

 

SooSad - for your parents, it might not be something they hold with importance, but the OP's bf does.

 

 

My boyfriend and i don't live together but make a big point to have breakfast together every day, as we work different schedules. I schedule my appointments as much as possible after breakfast, unless it is a true emergency. When that is a constant, neither of us feel left out or not important when the other one is really busy during other times and doesn't feel pushed off. We never feel like we can never catch up with eachother during the day or week at other times because we put eachother first in that regard.

[twiggy02]

We dated eight years, lived together for five of those. We're going onto about four months now broken up and I feel like he's throwing me in the "friend" category. I feel once I'm a "friend" all hope of getting back together is gone.

 

Bedtime rituals always consisted of watching tv together and cuddling (and sometimes we were intimate). I simply wasn't ready for bed some nights as I wanted time to do things I wanted to do (be on the computer, watch a show that only I liked, etc.) After getting home from work, making dinner and cleaning up, I wasn't left with much time. He works from home and has a flexible schedule, so he was always able to run errands, do household responsibilities, things he enjoyed etc. anytime during the day, whereas I was left with after a grueling day at the office and on weekends. Now that I lost him, I realize how stupid and selfish I was.

 

Still, I don't know exactly how to show that I would put more care into the relationship. I'll definitely take everyone's advice of giving it a couple more months to focus on myself and just be me around him. But again, the issues I felt we have are difficult to "prove" since I don't live with him.

[abitbroken]

Some are easy to prove. If you guys do end up dating again, or even when going to counseling when you have a prescheduled date or counseling session at an agreed upon time, do you look forward to it, are you on time or do you tell him the 50 things that you need to do that are going to postpone it, even if you agreed to it and on the same token are punctual with a client? Are you present when you are there or is your mind wandering on things.

 

An office might be stressful, but is not grueling. Working on a chain gang or in a mine is grueling. When I worked in an office, I made myself aware of where the post office drop, dry cleaners, etc, were closest to work and when I got my lunch - bought it or packed a lunch and ate it on a park bench in peace, I would do those errands on the way. I would make important phone calls by getting up a few minutes earlier, during my break, or would make a few minutes for myself before I left for home. I cooked up a storm once a week (usually on the weekend), froze a bunch of stuff so I didn't have to make dinner every night (and by the same token, you can make the guy in charge of dinner on certain nights and don't complain if its take out). I also cleaned for a few hours on the weekend when I was single and when I had a boyfriend.

 

As for him, if his schedule is more flexible, he could agree to picking stuff up at the store, etc.

 

And I do't think all chores should be 50-50 = both should see something and pick up what they see is messy and not say "oh, that's so and so's job". Neither should have a free ride.

 

Honestly, though, if its focused 100% of what you need to do to change and he has to do nothing different - then is it worth it. Y

[abitbroken]

btw, if after 8 years together, do you want to marry this guy? If not, its not worth going through counseling. You just may not be the right match.