weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Tiger I'm sorry, but re bolded... NO that is not what he was wanting you to tell him. He ALREADY knows you want to be with him. He has ALWAYS known that. What he wants you to know is that he does not care about you enough to be in a relationship with you, but wouldn't mind seeing you occasionally for sex. The reason you can't see that is because your emotions are too raw and you're not ready to accept the fact he just doesn't care enough to want to be in a relationship with you. All this talk about him "not being ready" or "too scared to love" is BULL CRAP plain and simple. Not to rub salt into the wound...but when he meets the right woman for him...he WILL be ready and he WILL NOT be "scared." Arghhh... I can't stand when guys pull that crap with women...it's so lame. But unfortunately it works because the woman still "wants to believe." Please move on Tiger..... Link to comment
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Tiger, he gave you just enough in that text to try and keep you on the hook, but enough so that in the future, WHEN he leaves again, he can say I told you I wasn't in for a relationship. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I know you're all completely right. Think it's an ego thing with me as I've never known a guy not want to be in love with me. I'll be honest with you, what hurts is he knows I'm out of his league, he said so himself, and here he is rejecting me. Now this is just me trying to make myself feel better lol! I know he will be back in touch, but I'm going to go completely no contact in order to cut ties and move on. He was so angry when I deleted my fb and messenger accounts last week, limiting his chances of contacting me. He needs to grieve his loss before he gets involved with another woman. I hope he doesn't 'unintentionally' hurt anyone else. Thank you for telling me what I need to hear and what I know deep down. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I know you're all completely right. Think it's an ego thing with me as I've never known a guy not want to be in love with me. I'll be honest with you, what hurts is he knows I'm out of his league, he said so himself, and here he is rejecting me. Now this is just me trying to make myself feel better lol! I know he will be back in touch, but I'm going to go completely no contact in order to cut ties and move on. He was so angry when I deleted my fb and messenger accounts last week, limiting his chances of contacting me. He needs to grieve his loss before he gets involved with another woman. I hope he doesn't 'unintentionally' hurt anyone else. Thank you for telling me what I need to hear and what I know deep down. What do you mean you're out of his league? I have never understood that phrase....can you explain? Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 He must have liked me enough to introduce him to his children, whom he is fiercely protective of, and enjoy several days out as a family with no intimacy involved. He'd pay for everything and wanted us all to go abroad next month. He was planning on taking me away, just the two of us soon. He must've liked me enough to tell his mother and in laws about me, and turn up to fix my car and things around my house. When I couldn't go away with them, he'd message constantly how I should be there with them. I think he cared about me but knew he couldn't give me what I wanted just yet. In his eyes, he can't be seen to be moving on too quickly, he worries what people would think. He would often say to me when will people allow me to move on? When do they decide enough time has passed. I know he felt guilty for upsetting his in laws by dating me. They've recently told him, we know you will want to move on one day, but not just yet. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 What do you mean you're out of his league? I have never understood that phrase....can you explain? No, the other way around! I'm just feeling bruised and trying not to let it all knock my confidence and self esteem too much. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Okay now it appears you are looking for rationalizations to justify your getting back together with him. Completely disregarding his comment about NOT wanting to be in a RL with you. Look Tiger, of course he "liked" you...no one is disputing that. But when push came to shove and it was time to move forward, he's wouldn't do it...he DOES NOT want to do it. The sooner you accept that the better off you will be and the easier it will be to MOVE ON. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, the other way around! I'm just feeling bruised and trying not to let it all knock my confidence and self esteem too much. For some reason it shows 'what do you mean he's out of your league' on my screen, but in my reply it says something different! Basically, he was shocked I accepted his date when we first met. He said he was intimidated by me and had to pluck up courage to ask me out, expecting me not to be interested! I made him wait a few days for an answer as well as was shocked he was looking to date. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, the other way around! I'm just feeling bruised and trying not to let it all knock my confidence and self esteem too much. Okay but that's what you posted... >>I'll be honest with you, what hurts is he knows I'm out of his league, he said so himself, and here he is rejecting me... It almost sounds like you think you are better than he is...and you are utterly shocked that a man who is beneath you could possibly reject you. If you didn't mean to post that...what DID you mean to post? Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, I know there's no going back as he's not ready and he had his chance. I'm just trying to remind myself that yes I am good and special enough for someone. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 For some reason it shows 'what do you mean he's out of your league' on my screen, but in my reply it says something different! Basically, he was shocked I accepted his date when we first met. He said he was intimidated by me and had to pluck up courage to ask me out, expecting me not to be interested! I made him wait a few days for an answer as well as was shocked he was looking to date. Don't know what you mean... your original reply says the same thing I quoted. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, I don't think I am better than he is at all and he is not beneath me. I'm always shocked when men say they are shy to ask me out. I'm just attempting to boost my low sense of self right now and remind myself I am special enough. Sorry if I came accross as arrogant, I'm not at all. My problem is I don't think I'm special enough. Being a single mum for many years has knocked the stuffing out of me. I'd love to settle down with someone special and worry it's never going to happen. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, I know there's no going back as he's not ready and he had his chance. I'm just trying to remind myself that yes I am good and special enough for someone. Tiger... of course you're a good person, a beautiful person, and just because this particular guy does not think you're special enough to commit to... that DOES NOT mean that other men won't. You sound like a very confident gal...you KNOW that. Not every man you meet and date is going to fall in love with you and want to commit to you Tiger...no matter how beautiful, awesome and special you are. I don't know... maybe I'm wrong about this guy...but if I have learned anything...it's when a man tells you he's "not ready" to be in a RL... or that "he's scared"...what he means is he's doesn't wish to be in a RL with you. And then to give you dating advice? Come on now...the writing is on the wall here. In his mind, you are were fun, and he liked you, etc. for while UNTIL it got to the point where he should commit. He has TOLD you more than once that is NOT what he wants. So believe him and behave accordingly, and move on. This ship has sailed...there will be other man who WILL want to be in a real RL with you and who WILL want to commit to you. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Also, I lost my mum when I was small and wanted to reach out to his children. I guess that's what attracted him to me in the first place, knowing I understood loss at an early age. My father never remarried sadly. I really wanted him to meet someone as I needed a mother figure and I wanted a companion for him. Guess I really hoped to be a family with this guy as ultimately I dream of being a family with the right person. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 No, I know there's no going back as he's not ready and he had his chance. I'm just trying to remind myself that yes I am good and special enough for someone. Your self-esteem and self-worth should not be determined by how this ONE particular guy feels or doesn't feel about you. You are THE same woman you were before this man came into your life. Nothing has changed.... I realize you feel rejected and your ego is bruised and that is an awful feeling...but it's not the end of the world. IMO, it's a good lesson learned for next time. When a man tells you he has no interest in a commitment, BELIEVE HIM THE FIRST TIME. Don't continue dating him "hoping" he will see how awesome you are and change his mind. It does not work that way. This man sounds damaged. He may NEVER be able to fall in love with a woman. It's NOT you. Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I know it means it's because he doesn't want it with me. Guess I don't want to believe that bit Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Thank you, you've helped a lot. Thank you for taking the time to help me see sense and remind me of my worth. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I know it means it's because he doesn't want it with me. Guess I don't want to believe that bit Read my last post... he sounds so damaged Tiger....he may NEVER be able to fall in love again. Some men lack the capacity to fall in love again once the love of his life passes on. So it may not be YOU at all. I mean yes he wasn't in love with you and didn't want a RL with you...but again he may not be capable of falling in love again.. period...with any woman. And will continue using the "in laws" as an excuse. Until the woman gets fed up like you did and dumps him. Then he just moves on to the next...and the cycle continues. I think you dodged a bullet Tiger... ((hugs)).... Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I was married once, in my early 20s. The guy I was dating suddenly called it off saying he wanted to date other women, see what's out there. He soon returned with his tail between his legs, saying how he dated a few women, but it made him realise how he felt about me. I made him wait months to get back with me properly, then we ended up living together and getting married. Men can be strange creatures! Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Read my last post... he sounds so damaged Tiger....he may NEVER be able to fall in love again. Some men lack the capacity to fall in love again once the love of his life passes on. So it may not be YOU at all. I mean yes he wasn't in love with you and didn't want a RL with you...but again he may not be capable of falling in love again.. period...with any woman. And will continue using the "in laws" as an excuse. Until the woman gets fed up like you did and dumps him. Then he just moves on to the next...and the cycle continues. I think you dodged a bullet Tiger... ((hugs)).... Weather girl, you are full of sound advice! I appreciate it. I think you're right there. He says his wedding ring will never ever come off. He knows women will see him as damaged and won't stick around for long, feeling second best. I think he will use women for sex and intimacy to fill the gap for a long time to come. His partner before his late wife cheated on him, so he has issues from that too. I wish him well. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I was married once, in my early 20s. The guy I was dating suddenly called it off saying he wanted to date other women, see what's out there. He soon returned with his tail between his legs, saying how he dated a few women, but it made him realise how he felt about me. I made him wait months to get back with me properly, then we ended up living together and getting married. Men can be strange creatures! LOL....that's pretty common actually. Same thing happened to a good gf of mine! Maybe that will happen with this guy... but to me this situation is different because his wife died...and he may feel like No woman could ever replace her. I could be wrong! In any event....you should STILL move on and go no contact because (1) that may never happen, and (2) the longer you hang on (emotionally), the longer it will take you to find MR. RIGHT. Also with respect to the guy not wanting to commit, girlfriend leaves him, and then he realizes he DOES want to commit...there's another (very dangerous) side to that story. It's the man who misses the girl and wants to return making promises to commit, she's the one, etc.... she agrees, they get back together...and he gets "scared" again and reneges on all previous promises to commit, etc. leaving her feeling hurt and rejected again. I know a woman who went back and forth with her boyfriend like that for SEVEN YEARS until she was so emotionally destroyed it was either breaking it off with him for good...or ending her life. That's how effed up she got with this guy. I'm not kidding!!! So if you are entertaining ideas that eventually he will miss you, realize how much in love with you he is and promises to commit...BE CAREFUL!!!!! Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I will be careful. Men want what they can't have and the thought of a woman they are attracted to being on another man's arm hurts their ego. They have all tried to come back in my experience. I was with a man for three years who loved me and we were exclusive but he would find reasons not to commit further. He would break it off with me by text and a week later he'd be back, saying how much he missed me blah blah. In the end I walked away and consider myself to have had a lucky escape. He pestered me so much to take him back, to marry him but I refused. My ex husband sometimes attempts to contact me even though we haven't seen each other since 1999. He hasn't met anyone since and says he'd like to see me, but I cannot go back. Men realise what they had when it's lost to them and want what they can't have. My current guy/ex is still attracted so will try to come back for comfort when he's feeling lonely, but know I will be strong and won't give in because I'm not anyone's fallback girl. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Just so you know...not ALL men are like the men you just described. I have been in three LTR (with my current bf for five years) and they have never pulled that crap with me and had no problem committing when the time was right. But then again I also never bugged them about it...and before we knew it...we had fallen in love and were totally committed to each other. Never even had to discuss it! Link to comment
Tigerlily193 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 That's what I've learned...a woman shouldn't have to bug her man for commitment. It should happen. I think a woman bugs her man when his actions fail to match his words and she knows deep down she is being strung along, so she tries to get him to prove her wrong. I've lived with two men. Moved in with my second serious partner after two months of dating and were together for nine years until he fell ill. Never broke up once during that time, no mind games. I will meet mr right eventually and put all this hurt behind me. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 >>It's as if he isn't taking me seriously that I'm going for good and there'll be no contact. He isn't taking you seriously. He's trying maneuver you into the exact position he wants you to be in, which is waiting eagerly for him whenever he's in the mood to grace you with his presence, but not actually owing you his time, attention, commitment when he's not in the mood for it. What you do with someone like this is dump him like a hot rock. You respond back and say, I understand where you're coming from BUT there is nothing in that for me so I'm going to turn you down. I don't want to lunch with you or be your buddy or be your FWB, I want a real BF and ultimately a husband and a man who will commit to me, not in some nebulous 'maybe' kind of future, but in the here and now. And since you're not interested in that kind of relationship now, it is time to say goodbye and move on. Then cut him off. He's just wasting your time otherwise and preventing you from healing and finding man who does actually want a normal relationship and commitment. Link to comment
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