Stupid argument/break up by text, now ignoring each other

[Tigerlily193]

Completely stupid for a 40 year old, but after months of resentment building up (because my boyfriend who isn't my boyfriend of 10 months is still yet to make me his official girlfriend) I stupidly raised my concerns with my 'boyfriend' by text, we fell out, said hurtful things to each other and are now ignoring each other. Important to point out he's a widower and I was fed up of being hidden, feeling like a mistress/other woman. Fed up of being intimidated by his in laws who do not approve of him dating even though I've never met them or his family. Fed up of him wanting me for sex when he could fit me in, which was hardly ever. Ok, we had a few family days out with our kids which was amazing, but as soon as his in laws found out they kinda stopped. Just when I thought things were progressing. We've never fallen out in person. Anyway, by text I finally opened up and told him I want to fall in love and not be kept hanging anymore. He knew from day one I wanted a committed relationship and he said he was ready too, that he could fall in love with me and we'd be together for years. When I reminded him of what he told me at the beginning he said I was mad to think he could fall in love with me yet. Confused?! All I've ever had from him is, I like you. Told him I want to be free to love and be loved in return. Life is passing me by, I'm meeting his needs, but he isn't meeting mine etc etc.

 

It's only been 4 days but seems longer as for ten months he messaged me a lot on a daily basis. Neither of us is making the first step to get in touch. I stupidly told him I'm considering dating again as life's too short to be strung along. I know he's upset and cross with me, but I just couldn't deal with a relationship that is full of potential but yet to get off the ground.

 

He did tell me a while ago if I raised commitment with him again, it would be over, so I guess it is over now and I need to move on. What a shame to end things by text like teenagers! Actually typing this post makes me realise he just isn't on the same page as I am.

[weathergirl]

Well I am sorry you're not happy with the way things ended...but look at the bright side. You no longer have to deal with that shyt anymore, him keeping you dangling, him hiding you, him only wanting you for sex which wasn't even that often, and all the rest of it.

 

I think what's important is that you have finally realized that this "relationship" was going nowhere REAL fast, so you were right to end it.

 

Now you have the opportunity to find what you always wanted, and what you deserve. And that is a man who is capable and desirous of falling in love with you and you falling in love with him right back. A man who knows what it means to commit to a woman and care about a woman. This man didn't....so good riddance. Right?

 

It doesn't matter "how" it ended...the important thing is that it ended and it's over, and you got rid of a guy who wasn't right for you....and didn't make you happy and probably NEVER would.

 

I say good for you for finally taking charge of your life, speaking your mind and ending it! Who gives a crap if he's upset and cross, if he even is. He may feel relieved it's over as well.

[chitown9]

Not wanting to give you the official title of girlfriend when in reality, that is what you are, is in itself very telling. This is the sign of a man who is trying to put distance between you and disaccociate with you. It even possible that he is a commitment phobe. He might have even been using his inlaws as an exuse. It would have been a waste of your time to continue with him. chi

[waffle]

Oh, gee, I was with you until that last sentence. No woman wants to think a man we've essentially dumped is RELIEVED to be rid of us!!

 

I doubt he's relieved, honestly. My experience is that he will come sniffing back around eventually.

[weathergirl]

Oh, gee, I was with you until that last sentence. No woman wants to think a man we've essentially dumped is RELIEVED to be rid of us!!

I doubt he's relieved, honestly. My experience is that he will come sniffing back around eventually.

 

I said that for a reason. If she believes HE is relieved also...it will be easier for her move on. To the contrary, if she believes he's missing her.... she remains stuck thinking perhaps they can get back together and begin the insanity all over again! Which will make it difficult for her to move on...which she REALLY needs to do in this case.

 

That RL was crazy... toxic almost. She deserves better and I think she knows that too...or she should anyway.

[SpottiOtti]

Good riddance. I hope you stick to your guns here, because this guy is not a good investment. Keep your head up!

[Tigerlily193]

Thanks for your replies. Live and learn hey. I took a chance at love but it didn't work out. I thought he was ready to love again. Maybe he is but he's too afraid of what people will think of him being in a relationship. I don't think he is commitment shy as he was married. Knowing he was a loving husband attracted me to him, made me feel safe. But his in laws don't approve, which I understand on one hand but then he should be allowed to live again in his own time frame, not theirs. I'm running scared. I'm glad I stood up for what I want even if I went about it the wrong way. He wouldn't call or see me and the irony is, if he had I would have calmly opened up to him.

My last relationship was with a non committal man and it was only when I left him that he suddenly wanted to propose marriage to me. He pestered me for months, sending letters but I refused to see him. I want my man to know my worth when I'm with him.

I'm hoping my current man will miss me! I'm a catch! I don't think any woman will stick with him unless he states from the outset he cannot give commitment. It sucks when a man makes out he's ready for that. It's a case of wrong timing with him. I think he will eventually try to reconnect but I won't be making contact, let him miss me and the good times we shared. He loved showing me off on dates, hey guys she's with me and he knew how lucky he was to have me. I'm sure he's angry because he thought I'd be patient and foot around his widower status but I'm sorry, I have feelings too. He also admitted he gets jealous of other men being attracted to me so know he'dhate to lose me to a man with fewer issues who can love me. That would be a huge knock to his ego. But tough, I couldn't go on with the way things were. Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

[Tigerlily193]

Plus it was hard being in his late wife's shadow, knowing he'll never love me as much, knowing he never kept her dangling. Sometimes it was hard seeingththeir family photos, wondering if I'll ever have a happy relationship like they did. I honestly can't imagine any woman wanting that which is a shame for him. The thing is I would never have pressured him to take down the photos as they are lovely to see. I was hoping to add our own photos one day and create new memories and a new life together. I was really going to love and cherish him as soon as he let me in.

[chitown9]

Just out of curiosity, Tiger, how long as it been since his deceased wife passed? chi

[Tigerlily193]

Two years. Still nothing from him. I know it's less than a week, but it seems forever. I was ill with a bad chest infection at the time of our text argument and felt really low. I'm feeling too stupid and sheepish to initiate contact, plus I want to know that he misses me and cares. He's had a family party this week he's had to organise and a new job to start so I feel bad for upsetting him. I very nearly sent a text saying, I miss you heaps. I know he cares deep down and will miss being in touch. We are both too stubborn to apologise.

[Tigerlily193]

I need to let go. He'll get in touch if he cares.

[lavenderdove]

>>e did tell me a while ago if I raised commitment with him again, it would be over, so I guess it is over now and I need to move on.

 

Honey, this falls under the category of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Some widowers take a LONG time to get over the loss, and if he is still really enmeshed in his in-laws lives and sees them as his main connection still left to his wife, he may not want to hurt them (or himself) by 'replacing' his wife with someone new. So he'll date women to get his sexual needs met, but not form the kind of bond he formed with his wife.

 

That is hard to hear, but be glad you didn't waste more time on him than you did. Cut your losses and find someone who is truly available. You don't want to end up feeling like a poor substitute for his saintly dear departed wife. You need someone who loves you and who is 100% present in the relationship, not someone who treats you as 'filler' and a partial substitute for his dead wife.

 

You just don't deserve to be disrespected like this, and he has made it clear he doesn't want a 'real' GF or a new wife. So there's nothing in that for you, and you need to let him go.

[Tigerlily193]

Thank you, such good advice. Think I've known deep down I'm just a filler for his lonely times. He did tell his in laws and family about me. His family were happy, but his in laws weren't and I understand that. You're right, I need to meet a man who is available.

[lavenderdove]

>>His family were happy, but his in laws weren't and I understand that.

 

Because they don't want to see their daughter as 'replaced' in any way, because that makes her loss more real. and they may want to have a stronger role in raising the grandchildren, i.e., they don't want any other woman raising their grandchildren in their daughter's place, they'd prefer to be in that primary role themselves, and him moving on and getting his own life with a new woman may interfere with how enmeshed they are in their grandchildren's lives because you would be taking over in a stepmother role. (i.e., the kids and their son in law would spend christmas with you as a family rather than going to Grandma/Grandpa's and letting Granny play the role of the mother figure in the family celebratoins).

 

Things can be very complicated in widow/widower situations, especially if there are children involved where grandparents are dysfunctional and latch onto the grandkids in an over possessive way trying to replace the child they lost with their grandkids (even if the grandkids are older).

 

So it becomes about their own needs rather than their son in law's needs. Very selfish, but not all people are generous or self aware. There are unfortunately lots of cases where widowers/widows dont remarry for a long long time (or ever) because it upsets the children or relatives too much to think about their loved one who died being 'replaced'.

[Tigerlily193]

I did raise commitment etc with him for the first time a couple of months ago and I didn't contact him as said I wasn't sure if I could be with a non committal man again. He got in touch after three days saying he missed me, thought about me all the time, that I was beautiful. He then went out of his way to organise family days out, but again his in laws didn't approve. He obviously means it when he says if I raise the commitment issue again, it's over. I'm glad I did as I now know he's not ready for the committed relationship he thought he was ready for.

[lavenderdove]

>>I'm glad I did as I now know he's not ready for the committed relationship he thought he was ready for.

 

I'm sure he also knew if from day one he told you he never intended to commit or marry again you'd not date him, in fact no one would. So he may have been honest with you, and maybe not! It's a lot like men who start a relationship giving women the impression they want a permanent relationship leading to marriage, only to tell them a few years later they never intend to marry because they don't believe in marriage. They're not going to fess up to that right out of the gate because most women do want to marry and would not date a guy who openly admitted they never intend to marry.

 

So these type of people will have a series of serial relationships where they are not fully honest and just swap out the woman for a new one whenever the pressure gets on to have a normal relationship and progress to commitment. And they are dishonest about their intentions because they know if they were honest no one would date them or have sex with them.

[Tigerlily193]

My mum died when I was small and our father didn't remarry. I used to ask female relatives if they'd be my new mother. To this day I wish I had a mother figure. I would have reassured his in laws that I wasn't there to replace their daughter or stop them seeing their grandchildren, but I did explain to my now ex they'd be worried I'm a threat and would see less of their grandchildren. He tried to reassure them that wouldn't happen. Such a shame.

[Tigerlily193]

So true! I did wonder this all along. Men can be so naughty.

[lavenderdove]

People who behave this way are not rational... and/or really selfish thinking only about their own best interests. Of course a new partner doesn't extinguish the memory of the departed, but they just don't care because they have their own agends and a new 'interloper' thrown into the mix makes things more complicated and less advantageous to themselves in their own minds. Doesn't matter how nice you are to them, they just don't want anyone in that role because it doesn't suit them.

[Tigerlily193]

No wonder he's not been in touch. Probably enjoying a break from trying to keep me happy and his in laws happy!

[lavenderdove]

You're probably not hearing from him because he's decided to side with the in-laws and give you the boot. And he'll probably look for a new woman and string her along for a while before repeating the same scenario.

 

Don't waste any sympathy on him. He's a grown man and shouldn't let his in-laws control his life. He chooses to do that, and most people don't let the in-laws make romantic decisions for them. So he's choosing this rather than choosing you.

 

So recognize that means there's nothing in this relationship for you other than living your own life in a way to please HIS in-laws. So don't do it. Let him go and find someone who cares about you enough to stand up for your own relationship rather than putting it secondary to what anyone else wants.

[Tigerlily193]

Confused now. He text today to say sorry and let me finally know he's not ready to be in a relationship at the moment. Wants to keep in touch with me, let me know when he is ready. Says I'm the right girl but it's the wrong time and he has to go slow. Said he's scared to love again. Told me the man who ends up with me will be lucky indeed and gave dating advice! Yuck, I want him to feel lucky to have me, not someone else at this moment in time. It was as if he wanted me to tell him, noooo I want to be with you, but I agreed with him instead. Next he said I will get the family life I want and suggested going on a lunch date next week, which is something we did quite a bit. It's as if he isn't taking me seriously that I'm going for good and there'll be no contact. Plus he knows I'm upset and therefore has power over me and his texts are nonchalant, almost joking. I deserve better than this. I bet it won't be the last time I'll hear from him either. But it's the last he'll hear from me.

[Tigerlily193]

He can't be in a relationship with me but let's go on a date?! Trying to wheedle his way back into my life whilst appearing to be the one in control and therefore not desperate. I probably dented his ego saying I can't do this relationship as it is anymore and wants me to be the one grovelling and hurting instead of him. So he's turned the tables. Very clever as he's had me in tears telling him I'm gutted he doesn't want me. I've basically fed his ego in my hurt today, telling him how I wanted to love him etc. No wonder he is acting nonchalant, he thinks he's got me and I'm not going anywhere.

I've been so silly.

[weathergirl]

Tiger, in laws or no in laws, the bottom line is he doesn't love or care about you enough to want to be in a relationship with you. But wouldn't mind seeing you occasionally (for lunch...for sex?) if you're open to that.....which he is probably assuming you would be.

 

Stick to your guns here and go no contact. You deserve better.

[weathergirl]

He can't be in a relationship with me but let's go on a date?! Trying to wheedle his way back into my life whilst appearing to be the one in control and therefore not desperate. I probably dented his ego saying I can't do this relationship as it is anymore and wants me to be the one grovelling and hurting instead of him. So he's turned the tables. Very clever as he's had me in tears telling him I'm gutted he doesn't want me. I've basically fed his ego in my hurt today, telling him how I wanted to love him etc. No wonder he is acting nonchalant, he thinks he's got me and I'm not going anywhere.

I've been so silly.

 

Shoot I just read this. From hereon out, you go no contact, okay? Block his number, delete it if you have to...anything you need to do so you won't get weak and be tempted by his lame attempts to "date" you (i.e. have sex with you occasionally). Not to beat a dead horse, but the part you need to be paying attention to is the part where he said does NOT want a relationship with you.