Help me find some strength.

[lerenard]

Hi guys.

 

I wasn't sure where to post this, but it surely isn't about relationship conflicts, or LDR. And I fell like next year of my life will give me a lot of chances to grow as an independent person. I just need some advice about how to better deal with it.

 

My boyfriend will be in basic training for 8 months. Army is not bad at all, most of my guy friends actually really enjoyed the experience, but still... I wont be able to see him AT ALL for the first 3 months, and after that he will be free every other weekend or so. We are still not sure how this will work.

He will also be on the other side of the country. They will have free time every Sunday, but because it will be so far away, I wont be able to drive there to see him easily.

 

I have a plan already, he supports me in it 100%. I will get busy renovating our apartment, I will start a heavier stretching routine/fitness, reconnect with my friends and family more, and so on. Still I feel like it will be so lonely here without him, my biggest fear is sleeping alone! Sure I go to bed alone when he has night shifts or when I am at my parents, but I know that he will come to bed later. But soon he wont be able to do it, so I will be going to bed alone and waking up alone as well. Because of my past anxiety and PTSD it is really hard for me...

 

My question is - how you deal with your boyfriend being away for months? Especially if you had anxiety/PTSD and your SO is your best friend at the same time?

[Ms Darcy]

Where does your PTSD stem from?

[lerenard]

One of my first post here is about it. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for 3 years, where my boyfriend actually tried to kill me twice and was stalking me and threatening me, my family and friends. Then I moved away to another country where I lost a dear friend to cancer. So when I came back to my home country two years ago I was a mess. I am in a great place now. I am mostly afraid some of it might come back again, because I will be alone.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you think it's a good idea to have your boyfriend as your best friend?

[lerenard]

Do you think it's a good idea to have your boyfriend as your best friend?

 

Yes, I think it should be that way, actually. Sure I have other best friends, its not like I spend all my time with him only (that was the case in my abusive relationship though - the guy took my social like and destroyed it like abusers often do), but he is my closest person, shouldn't it be like that if we are building a home and a future together?

 

I am not somebody who has a giant circle of close friends, it was always that way, and I hadn't had a "girlfriend" in a typical sense of that word since I was 17. I traveled alone, lived by my own since 16 and I see myself as somebody who deals great with solitude. My only problem is sleeping, because of me being a really anxious person.

[lerenard]

I should also add that both times when I was attacked it was in bed, and both times he took me by surprise because I was sleeping. Maybe that has something to do with it. I also have problems with falling asleep because I think a lot and my mind starts spinning. I meditate, I drink herbal teas, I also have White Chestnut drops that are supposed to help in such cases. And up until now it was great. My sleeping improved a lot.

 

Ever since I lived on my own, even if I was sleeping alone in my bed I still mostly lived in shared houses/apartments. So in the back of my head I knew there was somebody else there, if something happens. This time it will be different, because we have our own place for just the two of us, and my boyfriend will be away.

[Ms Darcy]

If your relationship ends, who would you go to for support on a permanent basis? How would you manage sleeping alone on a long term basis?

 

I would encourage you to turn it around in your mind. The problem is not sleeping. The problem is the anxiety and ptsd that manifests in part with trouble sleeping alone.

[lerenard]

I don't think you got my reason for posting this at all. My boyfriend wasn't the one to "save" me or something. Its not like I am miserable without him. I enjoy my time alone, when he works evenings every second week and I only see him in bed in the morning and in bed at night. I am actually looking forward that time, because I can have so much more free time just for myself.

 

I am asking how to keep my anxiety at bay, because even though it will be great, it will be a big change as well. I will miss him, naturally, I will worry, probably more for him than for myself and so on. I was hoping to get advice from military wives on how they deal with their partners being away in army/war. If there is somebody like this who also suffered from anxiety/ptsd - I would really appreciate their advice.

 

To answer your question - I deal with that myself. I would probably get a vacation and go somewhere, or go see my parents. Not for physical support, but because seeing/helping them makes me happy and I don't get to do that often. I don't have an emergency permanent basis support of some sort. Maybe that is bad, but I can`t imagine having somebody on my phone list, to only call when sh*t happens. I also don't think I would go cry to my friends, because I basically never was like that. I discussed my boyfriend problems with girlfriends when I was a teen, and frankly it never really helped me.

 

I had sleeping problems waaaay before I started dating him. And as I said I was doing great for a year or so, no ptsd or severe anxiety. Just a busy mind, its not like all my thought are bad or scary. Thanks anyhow.

[Ms Darcy]

I got your point and sought to challenge you. You can revise your question now as you wish but what you asked originally was: how to deal with your bf being away for months ... especially if you had ptsd/anxiety and your bf is your best friend. You weren't asking specific groups of people for advice.

 

In general one of the best ways to deal with both and have a general sense of well being is to have a strong support network that you can communicate with. There is some research to suggest that people who don't have deep long term emotional connections with at least a few people tend to be less resilient in facing traumatic stress and more prone to depression or some mood disorders.

 

An added way is practising mind calming exercises or practices such as yoga, thai chi, meditation, deep breathing. Good for redirecting energy in your body. It can calm the mind if there is worry or even if the heart is racing.

 

Anyway you aren't in the feedback so I shall retire from this thread.

[Seraphim]

My husband is in the military too. It is a really hard lifestyle but it is doable. I survive by getting myself really involved with my community. I do a lot of volunteering in my community, work and make new friends. And when he's away I go back home and visit my family more .

[lerenard]

Thank you Victoria66!

I can`t really go back to my home town for 8 months, but I will definitely try and see my family more often. I will also look into volunteering, since I miss it a lot.