I'm trying to get over my ex, but finding it hard?

[Gaynor]

We were together for a year, but in march I ended things because his anger/ temper issues kept arising. When I ended he never really apologised ( he tried to kick in my door) and so we never resolved anything. A few months passed and he got back in touch, asked to meet up. I had calmed down and missed him by then, so I agreed. We had a good time though still he wouldn't talk about the issues so I let it go,we kept in touch and it seemed we were going to see each other again. Then he went cold on me and I found out he met someone else and had started seeing her in that time.he denied it all but it was true.is this a kind of cheating? It felt like it. I also found out he had cheated during our relationship.i never contacted him again, this was in June. Now I've heard he started treating the new girl the same and it's now over with her. The pain is less raw now, but I still keep wanting contact with him and have almost texted him, but pride always stops me. I loved him and thought he felt the same..but how could he have to drop me for someone else?and he's never admitted anything or apologised. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact all this seems so at odds with the guy he appeared to be..did he never care? And why get back in touch? I do miss him but I don't see what I can do other than move on.i don't know why I can't just forget him.

[jjkk]

It takes time, dear. Your relationship ended in March but you've had contact since then, which included keeping in touch, seeing each other and feeling like it was headed to reconciliation. It's really only been since June. It's not very long at all. When you thought you were going to get back together and then it ended, you started your healing all over again so don't be hard on yourself, a couple of months isn't' too long to still be grieving over someone you were with for a year.

 

Of course he loved you, of course he cared about you. As for why he got in touch? Who knows? Maybe he missed you, maybe he wanted to apologize for everything but chickened out, maybe he was bored...could be hundreds of reasons.

 

You're right to recognize you just need to move on. In reality you're better off w/out this guy. He cheated on you, tried kicking in your door, and whatever else he did surrounding his bad temper. It may be hard to see right now but you're better off w/out this guy. He's not going to change. most likely his temper issues would have gotten worse over time.

 

Stay NC, focus on yourself right now. Plan fun things w/ friends, see a counselor if you think it'd be helpful, volunteer, exercise, keep yourself busy to fill up the void he's left in your life. It'll take a bit of time but it gets easier and you'll start thinking about him less and less. The urges to text him will diminish. Good thing your pride has stopped you! If you get overwhelming urges to text him, text friends instead, call people and talk on the phone, help others on this forum, etc. until the urge passes and it WILL pass. Remind yourself of WHY you're not with him anymore. Hugs!

[mhowe]

He may have cheated on you while in the relationship... But what he did after you dropped him is not cheating. And as you have seen, he hasn't changed...so why do you want him back?

[Gaynor]

Thanks, I know I won't contact him I need to have respect for myself. It just hurts not be able to talk with him anymore. I guess I thought he may have contacted me when his new relationship ended... Like somehow he's regret what he discarded hmm the girl told me herself two weeks ago before she dumped him she saw him as a bit of fun. That hurts too like our relationship ended so they could have fun... I really cared for him and was prepared to listen to apologies and get through things with him..still am I guess though it's pathetic. But no apology or anything has even come he's just accepted my NC without a care it seems. I'll just have to continue being strong, it's fading with each day but the hurt remains. Just seems as if he's forgotten what we had like it meant nothing to him. Oh well...

[Gaynor]

I don't know it's stupid I know.

[jjkk]

I don't think it's stupid, I think it's normal. You love/d him and spent a year of your life w/ him. It's an adjustment to not having him around anymore. Continue being strong and remind yourself how much better you feel every day (even if it's just a tiny bit, it's still an improvement). Some days will be better than others, too. You may have several days in a row when you feel great and are content w/ the relationship being over and then suddenly have a day when you hurt and miss him again. It's all part of the healing process.

 

We all want to know that the person we love/d loved us, too. I'm sure he did. Consider his lack of contact a gift to you. You know you're better off w/out him. At some moments you don't feel as strong and thankfully he's not making this harder by contacting you and dragging this on any longer. Stay strong. Remind yourself of all the reasons you DON'T want to be w/ this guy, eventually your emotions will follow, it just takes some time.

[bulletproof]

That hurts too like our relationship ended so they could have fun...

 

But that's not why your relationship ended. It ended because you didn't like his anger/temper issues, and you want to be in a monogamous relationship.

This is the time to ask yourself why you would be okay with taking back a guy who is angry and cheats on you. Work on building yourself up so that you won't even consider being attracted to someone like that in the future.

[Gaynor]

Thank you. I know you are right, eventually things will be easier I hope. I do feel better most days now, it's just still there and sometimes I analyse things again. Just sometimes I feel like if I didn't break up in the first place it could have been different but no point thinking that I guess. And I can't help but think if he cared like he said he wouldn't have moved on so easily. I think that hurts the most. Il just keep moving on too, but I'm not ready for anyone else I couldn't bring myself to yet.maybe il be a better judge of character next time. I don't talk to family and friends about it anymore, I've just pretended I'm over it so that's why I'm posting in here.

[Gaynor]

Very true, bulletproof. I keep looking through rose tinted specs I suppose. I deserve better than how he treat me. And really I am happier on my own, in the long run. No stress or worry about his behaviour anymore.

[bulletproof]

And I can't help but think if he cared like he said he wouldn't have moved on so easily.

 

How fast someone moved on is not always an indicator of how much that person cared. There are other factors to consider. Sometimes people move on quickly because they don't like to be alone. Sometimes it's because an opportunity presented itself and they took it. To immediately decide that he didn't care based on one small fact seems like very black and white thinking.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter if he cared or not, because you likely don't need/want to deal with a grown man's temper tantrums in your life. There are far better ways to spend your time.

[SooSad33]

Change isn't always easy. You're 'missing him'. Something you had in your life that meant a lot to you. Now, you're feeling that 'loss' and it's normal to feel all of this for a while yet.

 

And the best way to work on accepting & move on is to have NO more to do with him. No contact, nothing!

If you do, you will keep on hurting like this.

Best way is to cut it clean.

 

Back away and start taking care of YOU. You need some down time to work on your mental & emotional health. To heal from your loss and get yourself back together.

This ALL takes time. Months & months.

 

You may, someday get some kind of apology, but don't expect it. Not everyone admits it.

 

Odds are he got in touch because yes, he could have missing you too (but means nothing) or to curb his ego.

 

 

In order to forget him.. you need to leave everything about him behind you.

Also.. remember the reasons WHY things ended. Keep reminding yourself. It wasn't good.

So, take time to work on accepting.. letting go.. and healing.

 

One day at a time... I know, it hurts

 

tc

[ParisPaulette]

Look you need to take his new relationship ending, not as a good thing where you can back to him, but as a clear indication that this man is abusive to ALL women and always will be. Even if he contacted you again it's just going to be him abusing you in one way or another, because that's what he does to women. You have solid, solid, solid proof that it really is him, not you okay? So drop the fantasy in your head right now that things could be different, because they never will and the truth of that is staring you right in the face.

 

Seriously, get yourself into therapy to find out why you'd pine for someone who was abusive to you. And stop any and all contact, even spying on him, so you can move forward and heal. That hasn't happened, because you haven't chosen to move on. I know emotions don't always catch up right away to one's head, but there are times when surely self-preservation kicks in and you say enough is enough and walk away. This is an addiction and you need to treat it as such, because when I heard my ex had treated two other women after me the same way he'd treated me I didn't hope for him back. I felt sorry for the women and vindicated in my decision to walk away.

[Gaynor]

Thanks, your advice had made me feel a lot stronger when I have been having down days. You're right I will just keep moving on and maintain NC, it is helping me heal, I do feel better than I did a couple months ago and I guess it will get better. And I won't allow him to abuse me again, as yes I do no how proof that it wasn't me, he obviously treats all women this was. I don't need it, I have respect for myself he obviously didn't so I will continue just keeping away. Time heals I guess!