Dating Website Experiences? (Particularly Thirty-Something Females)

[Mellie]

Hi. I'm looking to date, with a view to finding a decent bloke and having a long-term relationship.

 

I signed up for POF a while ago, but I've just deactivated my account. I'm tending to the view that because the site's free, it tends to attract guys who are looking for casual sex rather than a serious relationship, despite what it says in their profile. Plus, why is it all the guys my own age look a good ten years older? It's one thing to show yourself in the best possible light, but either these fellas have had particularly hard lives... or they're telling lies! I am shocked! What kind of basis for a meaningful relationship is that? Unless they're not looking for a meaningful relationship at all...

 

I know. I'm making some ridiculously sweeping generalisations. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys on there, I'm just not bumping into them (or they're seeing my profile and running a mile).

 

In your experience, are the paid websites better? I've heard that a lot of the guys on Match are on POF anyway? I've also heard that if you're in your mid thirties (like me, tragically), there are more guys in my age bracket on POF anyway? I don't know whether it's internet dating that isn't for me, or just this particular website. I'd be grateful for any insights.

[ManyDates]

The paid sites are WAY better - but this is coming from a 30's guy. I won't even bother with the free sites anymore - just a waste of time.

 

For me link removed provided the most dates (over 20) but eHarmomy has provided a lot too.

[Batya33]

I haven't looked on those sites in 9 years or so but I always did paid sites and always assumed you get what you pay for with the unpaid ones. I did not like Eharmony because of the approach of the site.

[Mellie]

Thank you, MD. That was what I was hoping to hear. It's not only the casual thing I'm wary of. I think a lot of people treat POF like water wings. They're just (or not quite, or not nearly) out of a relationship, they want to test the water, but they're not quite ready for a relationship. I figure if you're willing to pay for something, that shows you're more serious about it.

 

Batya, I think I agree.

[Rosti87]

I don't have personal experience with any of them but I have friends that have pros and cons on either type. It probably depends on your lifestyle and preferences. I get the impression that Eharmony is very conservative and has a very finite range of people that they want on their site. Depending on the town you live in I have heard that link removed can be a meat market and is heavily into appearances. I hear OKCupid is great for people who are non-conventional, but I also heard what the OP has shared that you can get a lot of fruit and nuts as well. Don't know anyone that has used POF. Met one guy at a bar who said he used Tinder, but he struck me as a man on the rebound looking for tail.

 

I guess figuring out your demographic and finding out which sites appeals to or are more compatible with your preferences/goals is probably the way to go.

[Mellie]

I live in a pretty rural area of the UK. I did get a lot of messages on POF, but it only drilled down to half a dozen potentials, and a handful of dates with the one guy, just not the right one for me.

 

I'm not sure OKCupid is very big here in the UK, and eHarmony does seem a little over the top. I think I might try my hand at Match.

[Broomwood]

Hi there! I met a guy on OK Cupid three and a half years ago, and we hit it off instantly. It didn't even took long - two days. We had a relationship for three years.. It didn't work sadly.

 

That is why I'm starting to date again - hence Confused About a Guy post. Thanks for answering by the way. I am of similar to you age and have similar concerns. So far I started off on Tinder. A close friend of mine, same age as me, has just found a great guy on Tinder. Been dating for four months and it's becoming quickly a committed relationship. That's why I'm trying Tinder too. In my opinion there're plenty of high caliber candidates there. Because it's linked to facebook, there's less of a stigma, I reckon.

 

I was thinking of Love Struck and Match. Won't go on Cupid again though. For sure my ex will be there, if not now, soon. Heard Eharmony has limited number of candidates due to their excessively long interrogation.

[Mellie]

Thanks Broomwood! Yeah, if you'd mentioned the London-hating right at the start of the thread, I could've told you, the guy was a schmuck!

 

Happy hunting

[Natasha24]

I only know 1 person who has used link removed and it's working out for them. I haven't used it (I refuse to pay for that kind of thing). However I have a feeling that people might be more willing to "settle" with the paid sites. If you're using a free site, you won't feel bad about being picky and taking longer to find "the one".

 

Like others have said, eHarmony is more conservative and religious. If that's your thing, then go for it.

 

I used POF and OkCupid, and I met quite a few decent guys on there. I've also met quite a few pervs/weirdos. It sucks, but you just have to weed them out. I know it's hard when their profile says they want a relationship but it's obvious that they're looking for something casual. It takes practice to figure out what they're really looking for.

 

I generally talk on the site for a couple days. If we get along, we exchange numbers to text/talk on the phone. After a couple days of that, we meet (in a public place!) If we get along, then we go on a "first date". That's when I basically say (in the most casual way possible), "I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not looking to date casually. I don't plan on having sex any time soon, at least until we've gotten to know each other for a couple weeks". You can say it more coyly if you prefer, "I haven't been dating very long. So I just wanted to give you a heads up. I don't know how quick girls like to move when it comes to sex. I'm kind of new to the whole thing. hehe I'm adorable" etc etc. Most guys who are looking for sex will run at this point, which is fine by me. The ones that stick around are the ones who are looking for a real relationship.

 

I could be wrong, but I think POF has the most users compared to the other sites (eHarmony, Match, OkCupid). So there's going to be more douchebags, proportionally. But there will be more good guys too

[SilentG]

I met my boyfriend on pof (granted it took 2 years of being single and I removed my profile a couple of times due to sheer frustration with it) but it can happen. Unfortunately most of the guys on there are pretty grim but just make sure you don't end up sleeping with guys you date until you know they're the real deal. Until then just enjoy dating. I found you can tell pretty damn quickly what most guys intentions are. Often a great first date and the second being an invite to their place was a clear indicator that they just wanted one thing. Always make sure you have dates outside of their home so you know they want to see you regardless of lack of opportunity for sex.Also beware of the old "I'm not looking for a relationship per se but if the right girl came along and changed my mind I wouldn't say no"-players!! I heard this a lot! Good luck

[quirky]

I have met good guys from OKC and I am in the UK, I don't look for someone too conventional though. I tried Match too for a month but felt more stressful cos I was paying and I am not very well off and I felt pressured to make a proper effort. I found OKC more relaxed. Many people have a profile both on a free and paid site. I am same age bracket as you, just make sure on your profile that you state you are after something long term and describe yourself in a very genuine way.

[Natasha24]

Also beware of the old "I'm not looking for a relationship per se but if the right girl came along and changed my mind I wouldn't say no"-players!!

 

I agree 100% with this. I fell for this line too many times. Trust me, there are good, sweet, loving guys who are looking for a long term relationship. They are tricky to find but I promise, they exist! And they will make it very clear from the beginning that they are looking for long term.

[newgirlhere]

I will be 30 in just five months, but hopefully my advice can still be counted in since I'm absolutely looking for an adult relationship with a future.

 

Hands down, the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I have ever had in my life is with my current man - whom I met on okcupid.

 

I have been on paid sites as well, and there are no differences in my opinion. If anything, because of the non-paying aspect of okc, I felt like I saw a much wider range of men in my area.

 

The key is just not letting all the creeps phase you, and being smart about your gut instinct. It took me a while to learn to trust current guy - we've been dating six months off and on. Just give it time and put no pressure on it, and realize that it's like dating offline - some work out, some don't, and that has nothing to do with how you met.

 

Good luck!

[Gemini528]

I signed up on match not too long ago and my experience was so-so. It was a little overwhelming w the emails, winks, and daily matches. I started seeing one guy and we got along fine but after a week he wanted to introduce me to his family and gave me a gold watch. Kinda freaked me out.

 

Started talking/seeing another guy but it never felt like he was interested in getting to know me. He kept inviting me over to his house to cook for me and the last time I went he was trying to seduce me and I just bolted. I told him I was looking for someone that wanted to get to know me, not just someone trying to get in my pants. Still dealing w stuff having to do w the ex so I've been off for a while

[ManyDates]

Regarding eHarmony process - any girl that's on match as well, I'll get matched with them on both sites, so the process must be very similar. link removed around here is a meat market - was actually just on there memorized by the sheer number of single ladies around here, pages upon pages...It's simply too many.

 

Some girls I met that commented on it said they were getting 50+ messages a day on match and just couldn't keep up - so they switched to eH.

[Sportster2005]

 

I know. I'm making some ridiculously sweeping generalisations. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys on there, I'm just not bumping into them (or they're seeing my profile and running a mile).

 

 

If you're sure, you wouldn't make those sweeping generalizations. Be decisive. If the experience is negative don't do it. If you are optimistic than proceed more positively.

 

The problems with online dating transcends all age groups and genders and sexual orientations. The solution is always the same. Maintain a positive attitude despite whatever crap comes down the pipe. It really is that simple.

 

Match worked better for me, and most people I've talked to about it. POF tends to be more problematic and time wasting. I have no experience with the other sites.

[Mellie]

Thank you all for your replies. Sportster, I think your response hit the nail on the head. There was this one guy, on POF. We went out on a few dates - and they were good dates too - concerts, dinner - he did all of that. I jumped in with both feet. He was messaging me all the time - good morning - good night - reams of conversation throughout the day. We slept together. More good dates, still the same amount of conversation, but always in messages and texts - not on the phone - only meeting up once a week. I pushed him to find out what his intentions were and *poof*. He just disappeared.

 

Hey, I have my answer, but in the meantime, I'd ignored advances from guys I'd be thrilled to be approached by ordinarily, because I was so wrapped up talking with him. I can't very well respond to them now. I'm used to longterm relationships (one of 9 years). I've really struggled with the concept of trying to get to know more than one guy at a time. I know, right. It's a dating site!

 

So yes, you're right. My experience of that particular site has soured because of that one experience and I'm tarnishing every guy with the brush that because it's free, they're more likely to mess you around. In fact, I did meet someone on POF before, and it was basically the same story (in fact, after six months together, I was presented with evidence that seemed a clear indicator that there was somebody else all along).

 

I've signed up to Match. I'll take what I've learned, while it's still fresh, and apply it from now on. I know I have to change my mindset if internet dating is going to work for me - it's just a way of meeting people. I need to take it less seriously.