How would you deal with this? Dealbreaker?

[SilentG]

My boyfriend always pushes back our meeting times. How would you deal with this?

For example yesterday we were supposed to spend the day together at his flat. To be fair on his case we didn't have a specific meet time but I would also assume 'spending the day together' would mean an earlyish meet.

 

I text him at 11am asking if he wanted to meet up for breakfast. He told me "I'm sorry I can't, I genuinely have some work to do and I want to finish this first so I can relax" I said that's fine so shall see him about 1? He then asked me to text him in a couple of hours and he will let me know how he is getting on. At 1pm he tells me he is in the gym. I replied saying ok and offered to come to his at 2pm. He then replied saying 'Can we make it 2:30pm as I need to shower and get changed and then watch a little bit of football".

At this point I felt a bit annoyed so I said 'well we can leave it if you want?' and he replied 'no it's fine'. So we met at 2:30pm and spent the rest of the day together.

 

It isn't the first time this has happened and I'm wondering if I'm making too big a deal over it or not? What would you do in this situation?

He's 32 and I'm 28.

[missmarple]

Well, first of all, I'd make sure we have set a specific time to meet. If he kept pushing back time, I'd cancel a couple of dates or make them shorter (because I had planned something else to do later etc). If he kept doing the same thing, I'd tell him it's annoying and it shows lack of respect in MY time...and if he STILL didn't get it, I'd leave him.

[lerenard]

I think it just shows that "spending a day together" means different things for two of you. And while he is busy with his work/gym, you are busy waiting for him. Which is kind of strange if you haven't made a specific date to begin with.

He had stuff to do, and it seems like you should do the same when you are apart. But it is obvious he has other priorities in life apart from you, which is a good/bad thing depending on your view.

What other times he pushed your meeting times back?

 

If he really is into his work and healthy life style and so on, and you are SURE that work and gym is what he does while he is away - I would try backing off a bit and find a hobby for myself. If he is generally very frivolous and you feel like you can never count on him - I say leave and find somebody a bit more compatible for your expectations.

[SilentG]

Even when we do have a specific time it still happens. It's usually just little things like 'Oh I need to send an email', or 'I need to tidy my room' but he will push the time back often 2-3 times. Even if it is only for 15 minutes at a time or so it still gets annoying when you are ready and waiting to go! I'll usually be ready to leave and he will message saying 'can you leave ten mins later', and then after that ten mins I'll get 'can I just have another ten minutes just doing blah blah' grrr

[lerenard]

Then I think you should simply ask him what is the deal with that? This sounds a bit strange, I must admit.

[SilentG]

Yeah I still went for breakfast with my friends while he was at the gym, but it's hard planning what you are doing when you can't get a specific meet time! If he said from the start it won't be until 2:30pm it wouldnt be so bad as I could then plan my day a bit better.

[pinkelephant]

Some people are just always late and can't manage time properly. One of my bestfriends is always late for our dates. Always. It's super annoying, but I just basically account for it when I make plans with her now.

[SilentG]

Yeah that's true. It's just annoying when I never know how long its going to be that he's late. It's never 'I'll be ready in an hour' thus letting me do something for an hour. It always just 15 minutes later so I wait and then another 15 so I wait then before you know it an hour has passed an I'm fed up! At what point would you call it off or is this just something I either have to like or lump?

I've tried talking to him about it but he just says well there are things that annoy me about you and I just accept them!

[lavenderdove]

There isn't really an excuse for the extent of this. I have dropped both friends and BFs who behaved this way, because they are sending a very clear signal that they consider their time more important than yours, and also that they are extremely selfish/self centered and just want to drift thru living doing exactly as they please without reference to how that behavior is impacting other people in their lives.

 

It can also be a form of passive aggression where they are sending the signal that 'your time is mine and my time is mine too and you need to schedule your life around what I want to do and not what you want to do.' They can't get away with saying that openly, but they are openly showing you that if they do this constantly. Once and a while it is understood, but if it is the norm and unfolds in the way you described where your entire day was blown as you waited around for him and he pushed it back again and again, then that is clearly both selfishness and passive aggression where he is sending you a signal he is in control of his own life, and your life too!

 

First, you have a discussion with him and tell him it is inconsiderate for him to constantly run late and postpone you when you have made plans. If he doesn't intend to spend the whole day with you, he needs to tell you what he does intend to do, and that he doesn't want to meet up until later. And then show up when he does make plans to meet.

 

And if an emergency crops up and he is going to be more than 10-15 minutes late, he should call you and let you know. And those emergencies should be few and far between.

 

So you have that talk with him and tell him that this behavior is rude and your time is as important as his is and he's forcing your world to revolve around his by constantly doing this and that isn't fair to you. So if he doesn't intend to show, then don't say he will. And if he says he will, then he should unless he has an unexpected illness or his car breaks down. Otherwise it is him being selfish and rude.

 

then next time he does it, you just don't be there when he shows. If he tries to postpone and stall til later in the day, tell him you're going to go make other plans and he can see you some other day when he is available. And if he stands you up somewhere waiting for him with no follow up phone call to say he will be late, or makes you wait more then 15-20 minutes with no good excuse, then get up and leave. Don't text him, just get up, leave, and let him find an empty house or restaurant or wherever he intended to meet you. When he contacts you say, we've already discussed this, and I'm not spending my time cooling my heels waiting around for you when you can't bother to show up on time. i'm going to make other plans if you can't stick to yours.

 

If he still continues after a few sessions of that, then you need to break up with him because he is too immature and selfish to carry on a relationship with anyone.

[ParisPaulette]

A couple of minutes fine, but 2-3 hours late on a regular basis? Have you ever just shown up and seen what he's doing? As much as I hate to say this my thought would be he has another girl over and is finishing up with her before taking you out. Sorry to state it like that, but 2-3 hours every time is well beyond the "I'm just a late kinda guy," thing.

 

I would already have broken up with someone who couldn't respect my time better and who was probably lying about it. He knew you guys were spending time together and yet he couldn't get work done at his house before that? Did you ask him what work he had to do that was so important? Sorry, I smell a rat. Even the one or two friends I have who are time challenged as they like to joke won't do it to that extent.

[SilentG]

I've shown up before when I haven't read his message to postpone before getting in the car and when I arrived he's just getting ready/ tidying up/ showering so I don't really think it's a case of cheating more just bad time management/ selfishness.

It's just annoying more than anything. Especially when it's to "watch a bit of football" Really?? To me that just screams selfishness when I'm waiting around to meet him and he's delaying things to watch the game.

Usually it is only half an hour or so that it's delayed but it pretty much happens every time we have plans!

[lavenderdove]

This is clearly a case of you tolerating things you shouldn't. And he's constantly pushing the limits and nothing bad happens to him other than you huff and puff a bit. He'll ask himself, do i really want to go shopping with my GF or watch this game? Nah, i want to watch the game. She'll be a bit irritated, but she'll be waiting for me later and let me get away with it.

 

So stop letting him get away with it. It's up to you to decide how you want to be treated, and to not tolerate when he tries to treat you badly.

[missmarple]

Some people are just always late and can't manage time properly. One of my bestfriends is always late for our dates. Always. It's super annoying, but I just basically account for it when I make plans with her now.

 

That sounds like a friend of mine. She's soooooo time-challenged that once told me 'ok, we're meeting at 8.30...but you know me...I may be there at 8.40'...lol...she eventually came at 8.50.

The funny thing is that the VERY few times she's on time, if I'm ONE minute late, she'll call and complain

[Ms Darcy]

Instead of complaining about it here, you need to have a frank conversation with him about how it bothers you.

[catfeeder]

I'd keep it light. I'd ask BF to think up something I do that annoys him and to take some time, because I'm going to give him an opportunity to negotiate me out of doing it.

 

When he's ready, I'd ask him what it is. No matter what, I wouldn't argue that I don't do or can't change it--I'd just say, "Okay. From now on, every time I do that you can call me on it, and I'll give you 10 bucks cash on the spot until I learn to stop doing it."

 

I'd let that sit with him for a while before claiming my turn. Then I'd explain to him what you've said here,

...it's hard planning what [i am] doing when can't get a specific meet time [that you stick to].

 

"...so I propose that before you push back on any meet time we've agreed on, you first consider whether it's worth paying me 10 bucks on the spot each time you do it."

 

If BF doesn't have a sense of humor about this, you've got new information about him to contend with. I'd give him time he to think about this. If he argues, I'd ask him to consider that my time is just as valuable to me as his is to him, and keeping me stuck in limbo 'around' his last minute delays is always still an option if it's worth paying me the 10 dollar 'wait fee' to make it up to me.

 

If 10 isn't enough, use 20. You can also use non-monetary bribery to get what you want in exchange for something he wants. "How about if I bring your favorite lasagna, you'll rub my feet for 10 minutes when I get there?"

 

Point is, it's not necessary to silently seethe around people we love when we can negotiate or bribe to get what we want. In my book, this brings a 'reward system' into using direct communication skills that can be fun and positive rather than a drag.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how things go.

[Fudgie]

I would tell him that it bothers you that he keeps pushing back the time so much. next time he does this, I would outright cancel the plans and say "We'll get together another day when you're not so busy and keep needing to push it back."

 

You teach people how to treat you. You are tolerating his behaviour and that's why he keeps doing it. 1-2 times of you cancelling the plans when he tries to delay them and he'll cut his crap out.