Keep fighting or give up?

[mskendzic]

I am 26 and the love of my life is 33. He is a kind, genuine, and understanding human being. He is also depressed, on and off. We have been together for a year and a half.

 

To be succinct, his depression stems from his life circumstances. He feels like a nobody because he has a daughter in Europe who he cannot visit due to greencard procedures he is currently finishing to stay legally in the USA. His grandparents both died this year and likewise, he was unable to attend the funeral. He works a job he hates which allows no weekend, and super long hours of physical labor. He also lives in a bad part of town surrounded by depressing homeless people. His last relationship was highly abusive, it is worth noting.

 

We see each other once a week of we are lucky. Sometimes just one evening and sleepover, sometimes only a few hours. We have been functioning this way for a little less than a year. We usually text all day and call sometimes.

 

For the most part, we are very happy.

It's when these episodes hit that things get mixed up. But I get frustrated by his communication, because in deep depression episodes, he completely shuts down--sometimes for three days at maximum, leaving me wondering if he is even alive. He is not suicidal, but I get very panicked when he stops responding to me via text or call. I break down, don't sleep, and because I am very transparent--everyone around me knows something is wrong.

 

Even though he feels so ty and like no one in this world, I feel like he is my hero. We really love each other. But the depression episodes take a huge toll on me, leaving me confused, hurt, and like I am failing at giving him enough love to conquer the episode. There is nothing I can do that brings his back... And it feels unfair sometimes, like he gets to be a part time boyfriend while I pick up the slack. I try to be as understanding as possible, but I am really hurting right now. I don't know what to do or how to help, or if I should even do anything. He is the love of my life. I don't want to make a decision I will regret. I just wish we could function more as a team, and share the good and the bad in life together.

 

I wish he could see all the good that is to come to him. He will buy a car, plane ticket home to see his girl, move somewhere else, etc. There is so much to look forward to, but he focuses on what is not good right now.

 

I need some advice dealing with this. Anything you have to offer is appreciated.

[aussielis]

know the feeling

[SooSad33]

The choice is your if you want to continue trying with him.

Have you done anything to try & understand how depression is? Yes, it can bring one pretty low for a while.

Is he medicated? Seeing someone.. therapy? Both of those can help someone out a lot, like this.

 

If you feel you can keep up this battle, with him, then, maybe it can work out.. But do your best NOT to get brought down, totally with his 'negativity'.

I'm sure he does appreciate you. It can be very hard to describe something like this to other's,,

[mskendzic]

Well, I do understand depression because I have been depressed in my past--from ages 12-20 I did suffer from adolescent depression, but all people deal differently, and my style was not shutting people out but being just more self destructive, though I will not get into details.

 

He is not medicated not seeing someone, but he is not financially stable or, I believe, motivated to do so because his depression is really the result of a life circumstance which he knows he must and will change. But why can't he see that a better life is just around the corner?

 

I have a REALLY hard time not being brought down by his negativity. It isn't even that he is negative around me, it's just that he disappears for days at a time when it hits him. After, he is back to normal.

 

I know he loves and appreciates me... I just don't know how to deal with this. How to talk to him about this?

[catfeeder]

I know he loves and appreciates me... I just don't know how to deal with this. How to talk to him about this?

 

I would tell him that I love and appreciate him, but I can't live like this. He gets to decide whether I stay in this relationship or leave it. If he shuts me down again, there's no hard feelings, but he'll need to make it permanent because there will be no contact with me again afterward.

[mskendzic]

Thank you to you who replied. I thought I would update you. I went to see him today. We still had no contact... But I just had to go. When I arrived I told him I can't live like this any more and began initiating a breakup. He started crying. We were crying together. He said he if tells me the truth that I will leave him. I said I had already left so he might as well tell me. That is when I learned that for the majority of our relationship, he has been a heroin addict. I am feeling such shock and sorrow. He wants to get clean via methadone maintenance treatment and is planning to visit the doctor Tuesday right after Labor Day. I feel such immense sorrow. I did not leave him... Obviously. I love him. He hid his addiction so insanely well, I never suspected it. I just feel so bad, and I hope I can cope through his recovery process.

[catfeeder]

I did not leave him... Obviously. I love him. He hid his addiction so insanely well, I never suspected it. I just feel so bad, and I hope I can cope through his recovery process.

 

Attend Narcanon or Alanon meetings. You'll learn why staying is the worst possible thing you can do for him. Now that he has a sympathetic GF to lean on, it makes it easier for him to dramatize going through the motions but never recovering.

 

By sticking around you're doing what's called 'enabling,' and that doesn't 'help' him, it embeds him deeper in his illness.

 

I'd tell him I love him, and that's why I need to walk away until he seeks the right help and cleans up in his own and stabilizes for at least a year.

 

If you don't do this, you're in for a rough ride--and so is he.

[mskendzic]

I have been doing a lot of reading about addiction and specifically about heroin. What a hellish drug. I am angry I put up with his terrible behavior, chalking it up to him being a bad boyfriend for no reason, when this was going on the whole time and I was inadvertently enabling him the whole way through. Instead of getting mad when he would disappear or lie, I constantly forgave him due to my codependency which I never knew I had! I just thought I could do nothing but love him unconditionally. At the same time I feel SUCH SORROW. He has nobody here in the USA... Just me. And even though he does not know it, I have already decided to leave him--out of love.

 

Yesterday he asked me if we would stay together forever. I said yes. He said this would be an experience that makes us both stronger as a couple. In my shock and sadness and desperation, I agreed. How do I tell him now, after I said that?

 

He kept asking if in the morning I would change my mind. I said absolutely not, I don't care, I will help him through this.

 

But I have changed my mind after educating myself.

 

How do I tell him?

 

I am going to a meeting tonight... I found one locally.

 

THANK YOU for responding.

[catfeeder]

Give him the material you've since read, and tell him it contains all the reasons you need to walk away.

 

Then do it, and avoid being manipulated into staying. Addicts are quite convincing. You were smart to research enough to learn why allowing him to 'win' means you'll both lose.

 

Head high.

[abitbroken]

I would have still left him. He can't work on getting clean if he is worrying about his relationship with you. He has to make that his sole focus. Also, if you leave and he gets clean and stays clean, maybe you will reconnect and you will like the person he has become. But he can't become that person with your help. Also, it will be exhausting for you to stay. You need to find the person that is most compatible with you and not try to make it him. Honestly, go away. Let him figure out his life.

[abitbroken]

Give him the material you've since read, and tell him it contains all the reasons you need to walk away.

 

Then do it, and avoid being manipulated into staying. Addicts are quite convincing. You were smart to research enough to learn why allowing him to 'win' means you'll both lose.

 

Head high.

 

The most loving thing you can do is walk away.

 

Just like catfeeder says. Don't be tempted to fix him.