kara92297 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 My boyfriend of 3 years left Tuesday to go on a trip to Florida for 4 days by himself. I freaked out at first but I realized that we both needed a break. We spend a lot of time together and every time he's off work he's at home with me. His job stresses him out and his house needs a lot of repairs so he hasn't been in the best of moods for a while. I try to do what I can to help but nothing seems to help, unless we are making love, then he'll be calmer and less agitated. I start my new job in a couple of weeks so I'll be able to help with the expenses. I also noticed that he started smoking cigarettes again. I found 2 cigarette butts in the drive way. I'm just concerned about him leaving so suddenly to go on this trip. He's a 45 yr old grown man so I couldn't tell him not to go but should I assume he's cheating!!!? He assured me he's not cheating and never have. He said he just needs some alone time on a beach , a change of scenery, and a break from all the stresses. Should I believe him? I doubted him in the past and it turned out to be innocent. I don't want to doubt him again. Help me!! Link to comment
jjkk Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Unless there's other things that have you suspicious, believe him. I've taken many vacations w/out my significant others throughout the years and not one of them included me cheating or even considering it. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Is this trip a vacation he's been planning for awhile? I only ask because I'm wondering if there are any reasons you would not be going with him. What's the context of the trip? Is it to give you two a break? And how far is it from where you are? These are just auxiliary questions to be honest. I'm only curious because most couples want to take vacations together or with other people. Going somewhere far (I don't know how far it is for you two) alone is uncommon, but not a sign of cheating of course. I think the only thing you can do is trust he's going for the reasons he's stated. In terms of your relationship, perhaps to avoid this need for space again is to start doing something a couple times a week that involve only you so you're not smothering each other by default of living together - if that's how it feels for you two. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Unless there's other things that have you suspicious, believe him. I've taken many vacations w/out my significant others throughout the years and not one of them included me cheating or even considering it. I don't want to be insecure or jealous. I want to trust him. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment
jjkk Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I don't want to be insecure or jealous. I want to trust him. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then give him the benefit of the doubt. Unless there's other suspicious things going on, send him w/ your blessing! He'll come back feeling full of love for you. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 He booked the trip last saturday on priceline while my girlfriend came to visit me. I guess he felt left out because her and I went out all weekend without him...doing girly things, girls night out ,etc. He says she's too clingy..but I disagreed. We live in Texas and it's scorching hot so I can understand his need for a beach. I don't mind not going with him but I need the confidence that he's not cheating while he's there. He told me right before he left for his flight that he's not visiting another woman. So I'm trying to hold on to that and not doubt him. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Then give him the benefit of the doubt. Unless there's other suspicious things going on, send him w/ your blessing! He'll come back feeling full of love for you. He chats with other women on facebook so that's where the doubt comes from. Besides that, he's home with me on his off days. He says he doesn't have the time or the energy to date anyone else. He works long hours in the hospital so I kinda believe him. Link to comment
jjkk Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Like what kind of chats on FB? Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 He chats with other women on facebook so that's where the doubt comes from. Sweetie, I am sorry but this doesn't sound good at all. Chats with other women on FB and now he books a trip by himself (without you) for four days including the weekend. My antennae would be up also...anyone's would be. JMO but I don't think it's appropriate for him to be chatting with other women on FB while in a RL with you. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 1) If you're not trusting of him, why are you with him? 2) Yes, it should be okay to go away for a break now & then. But, hope you both take breaks away together, as well? Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I think there are certain things that must, must, and double must include your SO. If not, I think there's a problem and a BU is inevitable. These things include: New Years Eve, birthdays, Christmas, holidays in general, and yes trips. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Sweetie, I am sorry but this doesn't sound good at all. Chats with other women on FB and now he books a trip by himself (without you) for four days including the weekend. My antennae would be up also...anyone's would be. JMO but I don't think it's appropriate for him to be chatting with other women on FB while in a RL with you. I have male friends too and some of them I chat with on facebook as well. Nothing major...some minor flirting but that's it. I'm jealous but I'm not that jealous... but I am territorial to a certain extent. I don't want him to feel like he's in a box and I dont wanna feel that way either. All I care about is monogamy...we can chat/flirt with whoever we want as long as we dont sleep with anyone. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 I think there are certain things that must, must, and double must include your SO. If not, I think there's a problem and a BU is inevitable. These things include: New Years Eve, birthdays, Christmas, holidays in general, and yes trips. We spend every holiday together....thanksgiving, xmas, valentines, new years eve, birthdays, etc... But I must admit I am sad about him leaving all of a sudden to take a "break". He doesn't even know how heartbroken I am over this. He'll be back Saturday but I'm afraid to know what really went on while he was there. Link to comment
newgirlhere Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Not only do I think that it's "OKAY" to take a trip without your partner, but I actually think it is healthy. More and more people are seeing a trend that being codependent on another person is a root cause of a lot of instability. Personally I think losing ones' independence to a relationship can make them question who they are after a while. You can't fix the stress in his life. Both of you should still have your freedom to travel solo and do things independently. It's disturbing that the immediate response is that something must be wrong with the relationship, or someone's cheating, if they want time alone. Good lord. I want time alone constantly, but that doesn't mean I'm less devoted to the person I am with. You're not married. You are in a relationship. It's okay for both of you to still be living your independent lives. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 It's not that he's taking a trip away, it's that he booked it out of annoyance with you and your gf. And he chats with women in Facebook. And if he only seems calmer with sex ... I think something fishy is going on too. Link to comment
Lester Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Sounds like a non-committal, no strings attached arrangement. These arrangements are many times distorted by one or both of the partners into fantasy relationships/pseudo-marriages. I think you will quickly see this, once you remove your propping and maintenance. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 It's not that he's taking a trip away, it's that he booked it out of annoyance with you and your gf. And he chats with women in Facebook. And if he only seems calmer with sex ... I think something fishy is going on too. Who am I to say he cant have any friends of the opposite sex? I have male friends that I talk to sometimes. No one wants to feel like their in a box. I sure don't. He's calmer after we make love and cuddle but so am I. We've went many days without sex but we always cuddle no matter what. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Sounds like a non-committal, no strings attached arrangement. These arrangements are many times distorted by one or both of the partners into fantasy relationships/pseudo-marriages. I think you will quickly see this, once you remove your propping and maintenance. (Sounds like a non-committal, no strings attached arrangement??) Just because he went to the beach to give us a break and has female friends? Honestly, what's wrong with that? Am I that controlling where he can't socialize with anyone but me? He's 45 years old by the way. Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Update: Ok I finally checked my email and he sent a message saying he was there in florida with no transportation (guess he decided not to rent a car) and he was leaving his hotel headed to the beach to relax. He said he hoped I was okay and he'll be back on saturday. I told him to be safe and enjoy himself out there. I feel a little better now... I want to be a confident secure girlfriend even when he chats with other women. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I have male friends too and some of them I chat with on facebook as well. Nothing major...some minor flirting but that's it. I'm jealous but I'm not that jealous... but I am territorial to a certain extent. I don't want him to feel like he's in a box and I dont wanna feel that way either. All I care about is monogamy...we can chat/flirt with whoever we want as long as we dont sleep with anyone. Re bold...I see. Okay, good luck with that. Different strokes I guess. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 It's not that he's taking a trip away, it's that he booked it out of annoyance with you and your gf. And he chats with women in Facebook. And if he only seems calmer with sex ... I think something fishy is going on too. 100% agree with you about that Ms. Darcy. Link to comment
treesandbees Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Do you know the hotel he is staying at? Did you ask, did he offer the info up to tell you? I would randomly call one evening, see how all is, because he can easily turn his cell off. I think it is okay to go on a trip alone but odd he wouldn't ask if you'd like to get away too, since you are in a relationship and if you said no, is okay if he goes alone, because least he offered you to go with. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You went from worried to defending him rather quickly... Perhaps you don't want to hear any advice at this point. Ms Darcy had an excellent point. Just saying ... Link to comment
Lester Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 (Sounds like a non-committal, no strings attached arrangement??) Just because he went to the beach to give us a break and has female friends? Honestly, what's wrong with that? Am I that controlling where he can't socialize with anyone but me? He's 45 years old by the way. Your avoidance to truth is what got you here in the first place. Instead of yelling at me... get on a plane and see the truth first hand. sorry Link to comment
kara92297 Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 He's a very "different" guy. He acts strange to most people, he's anti-social (he's only social online), he's introverted unless drunk, and he can be verbally abusive which has led to him to getting physical with me on more than one occasion. Last weekend is when he booked the trip because he was mad at me for ignoring him and disappearing for a whole week, so he booked the trip right in front of me. I looked at it as a joke, more like a "I dare you" situation. So when the time came for him to fly out, he seemed a little apprehensive but he knew he couldn't get a refund, so I told him to go ahead and have a good time. Link to comment
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