Geez ... The kinda sorta EX

[Wildhorses]

There was a guy I was casually seeing for a few months and he started doing some, let's say, odd things, and not all of them were to me but made me very uncomfortable. I drew the line right then and there and told him not to contact me for a few months at best and I would contact him if/when I felt like I wanted to talk to him. So, three months have gone by and he texts me, Still mad? I said against my better judgement, I am responding because I know I will seeing you again at Tim and Lynda's (mutual friends). No, I'm not angry anymore but I am confused. He said about what. I said lots of things including why you are texting me. He said, did we not start out as friends? I said the whole thing became very confusing and wasn't working on any level. And I am not going to have a text marathon with you about it nor do I intend to discuss it with you at all. He said am I bothering you now? I said, bothering would imply that I am still harboring emotions. So no. We can at least be civil with one another. He said, by text only or in person? I said I would be civil with you if I saw you in person. He said do you want to have a drink some time? I said I might consider it in the spirit of repairing a friendship but it will be quite some time before you can convince me that you can be a friend. He said well if we don't get together, it will be hard for me to demonstrate that. I said well, you can call or text occasionally to ask how I'm doing and catch up on things for a start and then I will gauge it from there. He said OK, that's a start.

 

I don't really consider him an Ex since we were not in a "relationship" and at the end, it was all about being friends. No intimacy, just able to talk and share our troubles, triumphs, etc.

 

So a couple of days go by. I am out of state at a reunion. I get a text asking if I am busy and saying he is in a bad spot. I waited an hour to respond and said, I am at a reunion in NH. But, we are at ground zero in terms of a friendship -- scorched earth. We have not even begun to build a friendship again and so we are not at point where it is appropriate for you to be asking me for help on anything. He didn't respond and has not contacted me since.

 

I am treading very carefully with this. He has already crossed a line here. I will change my number if he doesn't handle this "right". This is not about being y. He needs to redeem himself if he is serious about a friendship again. We were indeed good friends for a while first and went to a casual relationship. He was since all this in a relationship. So now, maybe he's lonely, etc. and wants a fix. Like I said, I would not have responded if we didn't have common friends and we will be seeing each other next weekend. In addition, some additional information has come to light that shows he was not entirely at fault, and the situation has calmed down and the other people involved he has mended their relationships. I cut him off at the time because he was not being communicative or civil with me about it and talking was going no where and at the time it appeared he was entirely the problem.

[Edmund Exley]

I don't really consider him an Ex since we were not in a "relationship" and at the end, it was all about being friends. No intimacy, just able to talk and share our troubles, triumphs, etc.

 

So, if were able to share your troubles, why this response?

 

But, we are at ground zero in terms of a friendship -- scorched earth. We have not even begun to build a friendship again and so we are not at point where it is appropriate for you to be asking me for help on anything. He didn't respond and has not contacted me since.

 

Of course he hasn't contacted you. Who would after that reply.

 

I am treading very carefully with this. He has already crossed a line here. I will change my number if he doesn't handle this "right". This is not about being y. He needs to redeem himself if he is serious about a friendship again. We were indeed good friends for a while first and went to a casual relationship. He was since all this in a relationship. So now, maybe he's lonely, etc. and wants a fix. Like I said, I would not have responded if we didn't have common friends and we will be seeing each other next weekend. In addition, some additional information has come to light that shows he was not entirely at fault, and the situation has calmed down and the other people involved he has mended their relationships. I cut him off at the time because he was not being communicative or civil with me about it and talking was going no where and at the time it appeared he was entirely the problem.

 

He didn't do anything to you to redeem himself for. You more or less told him to pizz off. He did.

[Wildhorses]

I said not all of those things were done to me, but he did do somethings to me. And, I did not want a response from him when I told him he should not be asking me for help. So, he got that message. I am not criticizing that.

[Edmund Exley]

I said not all of those things were done to me, but he did do somethings to me. And, I did not want a response from him when I told him he should not be asking me for help. So, he got that message. I am not criticizing that.

 

So he has left you alone. Why are you so concerned about having to change your number when the man isn't even bothering you?

[Wildhorses]

I am anticipating that he will contact me again and the possibility exists that he will try to manipulate and may just want to get physical. Like I said, he just came out of a relationship very recently and now is contacting me. I don't know for sure. I am being open-minded at least and giving the benefit of the doubt especially since his relationship with the other people involved has been repaired. I didn't tell him that I never wanted to talk to him again ever, but I did say I would contact him if/when I did. He initiated first, so I'm questioning his motives now because technically, he's already disrespected my stance. Like I said though, I have more information now about the previous situation, yet that only is about with the other people involved. If he wants to be friends again with me, he needs to show me that. I did not breech the friendship, he did.

[lavenderdove]

Why are you even trying to be 'friends' with someone who you see as 'scorched earth' and who does 'odd things'? the world is full of people to be friends with without all this drama.

 

the initial exchange you had with him may have confused him, i.e., he thought you'd be open to trying to pick up where you left off, but you're obviously still angry at him by the tone of these exchanges. so there is no point in being friends. Just be polite to him if your paths cross at mutual friends, but don't engage with him. It honestly sounds like you really don't like him, so why bother?

[lavenderdove]

>>If he wants to be friends again with me, he needs to show me that.

 

btw, he was doing that by calling you and trying to connect with you. It really sounds like you're still upset/angry about whatever it is that happened, and your responses to him are passive aggressive from the standpoint that he is trying to connect with you, and you are saying things like 'bothering would imply there are still emotions' etc. when obviously he IS bothering you if you reject him out of hand and get annoyed and shut him down and tell him it is scorched earth when he tries to connect to you.

 

So be honest with yourself, and honest with him. Just tell him you'd rather not try to be friends.

[reinventmyself]

I think he as shown you who he is. You weren't able to be a romantic couple and now being his friend is more than challenging.

I wouldn't respond. I don't know that I would go as far as to change your number, just ignore him.

I have tried to set the tone or the pace with others who clearly have a different idea.

I tired dating someone who was controlling thinking that I could handle my end and not be controlled. Silly idea now that I look back. It didn't change who he was.

I dated someone who was working on the an instant relationship. Silly me I thought I could control the pace, but it didn't change who he was.

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

You two are just really different. Maybe not right or wrong, just different. Surround yourself with happy, healthy people that bring out the best in you. . Cut out the rest.

[Wildhorses]

I don't intend for this to sound angry. I am just being adamant. I know he understands that. I know him well enough for that. He is now in a vulnerable position and likely hurting because of this recent failed relationship but he needs to understand that I'm not a "go to" for comfort, at least not yet. It is all over these boards that men and women will seek out a past connection when they are getting over another person. I am leery of that. The anger has passed and I am willing to hear him out at some point. I have explained to him what I am expecting from him to begin the process of re-building a friendship. I do not hate him. He is not overall a bad guy. He did some stupid things. I can forgive.

[HeartGoesOn]

I am treading very carefully with this. He has already crossed a line here. I will change my number if he doesn't handle this "right". This is not about being y. He needs to redeem himself if he is serious about a friendship again.

 

This has nothing to do with "friendship," otherwise you would have thrown in the towel by now. Either way, I think you're beating a dead horse, and selling yourself short.

[Wildhorses]

I have stated my terms. If he is sincere about wanting to be friends and doesn't push for anything else, it can happen. There is only one second chance. I have had female and male friends/relatives with whom there has been a falling out. Some times the friendship is re-kindled instantly, some times it's been more gradual, some times it never happens.

 

We did not take a break from a romantic relationship. We were good friends without romantic ties or intimacy for quite a while after the romance was done.

 

In the meantime, I am enjoying my life, seeing other people/friends. In this case, the truth is, that we were unable to communicate effectively because of all that was going on. Stepping back from the situation, seeing other things happening that were positive, makes me more open-minded. Not delusional.

[ParisPaulette]

Maybe it's just the skeptic in me or I've just been burned too many times, but when someone does something that causes me to break off the friendship then they suddenly pop back up asking to be friends then start asking for favors I pretty much decide it is what it looks like--them wanting to use me for their own agenda and not because they feel this burning need to suddenly be friends again. And I block and delete them and go back to no contact. Nod briefly to the guy if you see him in public, then move on and ignore him.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you were giving mixed messages. Saying you are not mad but responding with anger. Indicating that you don't want to be used but that you think he's only contacting you because of a break up.

 

I think blocking his number is the best bet. Only interact in person and even then keep it distant. This earn my trust is just silly.

[Wildhorses]

I didn't send mixed messages. I am willing to rebuilding the friendship. He cannot hurt me or our friends again. I have to be serious about it in order to know that he is serious about it. He did repair the other friendships. I am the last one in the circle he's reached out to. Since they have accepted his apology, and the situation has been cleared up and shows that there was some misunderstanding, etc., why would I not do the same. Had the others involved not repaired the relationship after hearing what he had to say and taking the new information into account, I would not have answered him at all. We have one issue that was just between us that needs to be addressed.

[Ms Darcy]

I will change my number if he doesn't handle this "right".

 

I cut him off at the time because he was not being communicative or civil with me about it and talking was going no where and at the time it appeared he was entirely the problem.

 

Good luck with your my way or the highway attitude.

 

Why did you post this in dating?

[Wildhorses]

Good luck with your my way or the highway attitude.

 

Why did you post this in dating?

 

I'm taking this stance because he says he wants to be friends again, not have a romantic/sexual relationship. If he tries to bring that into the picture, then he isn't being sincere about friendship. It means that he's having a hard time dealing with his recent break up and now coming to me for "comfort". That happened a couple of years ago with someone else we know. They had not been dating prior to that though.

 

I put it in dating because it's kind of a gray area, since we had once dated and remained friends since or at least until a couple of months ago.. We did meet for dinner and drinks and went dutch treat. We talked for about an hour about the situation and bygones will be bygones. He apologized and was truly sorry for all the confusion and hurt that was caused. As I said, too, he was not entirely at fault. All is well.