Reconnected w/a old flame & would like advice & insight

[bellezza11]

I met a very sweet Midwestern man when I was 18 (he was 23) 9 years ago. I was very young & naive and till maturing & finding myself as a person. We went on two dates after we met each other and then he moved to work in NY. We kept in touch pretty regularly by phone and text messages and all of our exchanges were positive & happy and we tried to visit each other but things always got in the way (he was in a car accident, I got chicken pox, broke my phone, etc) or he was super busy w/wrk traveling a 2 to 3 weeks month or sometimes more.

 

I thought the absolute world of him, but was very skeptical of how genuine his intentions & emotions were bc I had very low self-esteem & could not understand why he wanted me or liked me. He thought the world of me and encouraged me to be a strong & smart woman he knew me to be. He never dated anyone seriously after we met or during the 4 years we had an undefined long distance “relationship”, but did see a few women causally while we were not speaking (we would butt heads on occasion about my employment or silly things & not speak for weeks or months).

 

One day during an afternoon chat, 4 years & some mths into our relationship, he told me that it was time, that he wanted me to move & live with him, he wanted to take care of me & I could pursue whatever made me happy, and that he wanted to make love to me (we never had sex or anything beyond kissing), and although hesitant (bc I was afraid of being so intimate & having someone so genuinely good), I agreed.

 

A few weeks followed & my ex best friend hacked my social media account with a vengeance (we had a fight over her anger issues & mistreatment of me-verbal abuse & yelling that went south- so I moved out) and started posting all these public obsessive things about him & friending all his friends so they’d see all these statues (she had been privy to many of the intimate details about our relationship & my hopes/feelings) and he was very upset about his/our privacy being violated & all these very personal things being made known before he/he & I were ready or before we’d even talked/thought about them. …After clearing up that fiasco with reporting my account & regaining control, he very kindly told me that he had to let me go. I was very sad at the time, accepted it even though it was not my doing, and said I’d wait if he ever came back. I assumed he was mortified & scared by what he saw and/or communicated back to him by his friends as they were pretty crazy & serious and thought once things settled & he’d had time to think, he’d come back to me like he always had.

 

…My phone was silent for months & we didn’t talk for another almost 5 years. During that time, I had a serious relationship with another man my age & we had two young children, but ended our relationship, bc he was/is a very unhealthy person.

 

Well, 3 months ago, I decided I would once & for all reach out to the midwestern man in an attempt to have a friendship, bc he was/is my mentor & still very special to me. I sent a casual text to his phone number I still knew by heart knowing this may not turn out positive or he may not respond. Well, 20 mins after it sent, my phone went off & my heart went jumping with it; I read his txt (in his voice as I remembered it) saying absolutely to being friends & starting anew. We spend the remaining of that day sending each other texts back and forth chatting, joking, explaining, flirting, and asking questions…

 

He told me he was very glad I reached out to him, bc I was always a very special girl to him and immediately asked me if I was married or dating anyone and when I replied no, he asked if I’d like to spend time with him and suggested we go to South Beach and have a weekend together that he’d pick up the tab for (which didn’t happen bc my son’s birthday wknd was the only option I couldn’t miss that and Mr. Midwest only had that available). Also, he let slip that he knew things about me he could not have, like having two kids, two boys in fact since we haven’t talked long before I was pregnant with my first child and we have no friends in common for that type of info to pass in social circles. While I did not ask or confront him about it, I’m almost certain that he’s been Facebook stalking me since I noticed he unblocked me a few weeks before I first contacted him and that would be the only way he could know about my children or could have assumed I was married…

 

We talk about every other week during these last couple of months (he’s still very much busy with work) and he’s making a trip to see me in my city during September for a weekend and is considering investing of his own accord in a company I want to start once I submit him a business plan & it looks good…

 

I’m elated, but I’m not really sure what to expect. A huge part of me wants to believe he’s coming back for me & we’ll make up for all that lost time between us since we’ve resumed where we left off in a sense and we are much older & more mature to make this time successful. However, the rational part of me knows it’s been 9 years since we’ve physically have seen each other and 5 years since we parted ways and I’m sure we’ve each changed. Regardless, I still feel very connected to him & I do have very intense feelings for him, that mimic or could be love despite all these years gone by.

 

Is there any advice you might have for me or any opinions on how to proceed forward or insights?

[mhowe]

Sincerely doubt you will pick up where you left off --- unless you mean that he isn't interested in a full blown relationship.

 

Your first encounter ended with the disclosure of much personal info --- that you shared with your ex best friend. That was a huge violation of the trust he

placed in you.

 

Your last encounter --- where he asked if you were married or dating ---- and somehow you missed disclosing you had 2 kids. He "let slip"???? I think he

waited for you to mention them!!!

 

I think that nothing will come of this --- and that he certainly won't invest in you/your potential company because you haven't acted particularly trustworthy

in the past.

[bellezza11]

OUCH while I'm trying to take this advice at face value, but that came off very rude. You mean I shared with my ex best friend that I absolutely adored him, how his voice is just sexy, how I found his hands to be very attractive & masculine, and she observed how attached I was to him & loyal through our many phone conversations that took place in her presence, and that maybe one day I hoped to get married & have kids with him as he'd be the type of guy to do that with????!!!! That's a violation of privacy, because I'm pretty sure, that's what best friends do, you share your hopes & dreams, frustrations, fears, joys, and sometimes gush about boys/men. I did not disclose I had two kids, he asked me how I was and how my two boys were doing first and then proceeded to ask if I was married to which I said "Thankfully, no" and went into detail why, and then he asked if I was dating anyone currently, because if not he'd like to see me and when I responed no again, he suggested South Beach & told me he'd fly me out and pay for everything!!!!!! I asked his opinion on what he thought about an idea I had about a potential company, because of his type of employment; specifically I wanted his opinion on the name & tagiline and if he thought it was a viable idea to which he said he thought it sounded neat and he request me to send him a business plan and he'd consider the investment once he reviewed it.

[mhowe]

I am just going by what you wrote:

 

and started posting all these public obsessive things about him & friending all his friends so they’d see all these statues (she had been privy to many of the intimate details about our relationship & my hopes/feelings) and he was very upset about his/our privacy being violated & all these very personal things being made known before he/he & I were ready or before we’d even talked/thought about them.

 

It appears HE brought up your boys Also, he let slip that he knew things about me he could not have,

because if you had mentioned them first --- it would be natural for him to ask about them....not "let slip".

 

In addition --- this "relationship" never went beyond kissing.

[abitbroken]

If you had low self esteem, had children with an unhealthy person, etc, I think that you need counseling or to examine your boundaries and judgement. This guy was a mentor type of person and saw you as a child - someone who was not very experienced about the world. He even wanted to 'take care of you' rather than you moving to New York on your own two feet because you were able to get a job on your own. You want a relationship of equals. He saw a woman who had lower self esteem and he worked on helping mold you. You also had time to build him up in your mind.

 

I would strongly caution you about this guy when he is talking about investing in your business,etc. A guy who wants to sweep a woman off her feet like that usually has other issues that you might be ignoring.

 

I would not go to south beach with him. I would communicate with him a little more on the phone and find out more about his life. If he comes to your town in September, he stays in a hotel and you go out to dinner or spend the day. But do not have him as a house guest from the get go. You REALLY don't know him. You don't know if he really has a wife or serious girlfriend and is hoping for you on the side. He has only presented what he wants to because you are only on the phone all these years.

 

Be cautious with your heart.

[bellezza11]

I understand that, it just kind of came off like I was being spoken down to. Physically it never went beyond kissing, cuddling in bed, playing with each other's hair, etc, because we decided that should we have sex it should be of meaning & special and there was never the time nor opportunity to do so. However, that does not mean that we as adults did not explore our sexual chemistry through our means of communication and we were very emotionally intimate with one another in the years we spent in a "long distance relationship".

 

Something else, I take into consideration in too when trying to understand my worth to him & his intentions, when we met and went on our first date, he explained that in a few years, he'd be "balling" and was looking for someone to share that with ( I took that as he was looking for a serious relationship and/or future wife) and not only was I extremely beautiful too, but he found me to be intelligent, funny, and down to earth (basically fit his criteria) and years later he would go on to tell me that we were truly unique people and had something truly special as not many people would wait on each other for so long & trust each other as we have and then proceeded to ask me to move in with him & told me he loved me. He also, told me he loved me on his 26th birthday, he was out drinking with his friends & he called me to tell me that he loved me and he'd loved me all these years and we were going to figure out how to make things work... I could tell he was drunk so while it may have only come out, because he was not in control of his actions, I believed it to be true, otherwise why put up with me or devote himself to me when truthfully he could have his pick of many beautiful women with a lot to offer him in other areas. And quite recently (in the last month) I chided him for not responding to a question I had for him very timely and he went on to say that he was very sorry and that his lateness & absence was no reflection on me or his feelings for and about me, that he'd just has been flying/driving all over the country for business & is very overwhelmed currently and he wished that he did not suck so much. Also, when we were discussing seeing each other, he seemed nervous & kept second guessing himself; he apologized & said he shouldn't have asked to see me so soon bc he misinterpreted something I had said, he expressed that he enjoyed & missed talking to me, and also said how wonderful it was that we were still so comfortable with each other. He's also, very concerned & took in interest in my health as I'd fallen deathly ill twice in the last five years and that would have me believe that he doesn't see me as some kind of toy, but a person whose fragile & has value.

 

...I'm a little uncertain of were this may be going being that I live in the South & he's in the Midwest. He knows that I am not one to just freely have sex with someone without there being a real bond & relationship established and he's very conservative in that aspect as well & believes sex should be reserved for people that love each other; so, I don't think this is going to be weekend of no strings attached sex. And while I can't read him very easily & I'm sure he's changed a little in the time we've been absent from each other, it would seem as though I get little hints about how he may feel through our conversations. He's deliberately taking time out of his hectic schedule to see just me and come to where I live which he hasn't been back since graduating and he's not including any of the friends he has down here from college or his extended family that live in my state. I feel like I this is real based on the present & past, but then I also know I'm thinking this way, because it's what my heart truly wants, but I'm also afraid I'm reading too much into it all and getting my hopes up far too high. I'm just at a loss and wish someone on here could read minds. lol.

[SooSad33]

How long have you been apart from your ex now? Hope it's not been too recent. Don't want anything with this guy possibly being a rebound.

 

Usually we need some down time to work on accepting & dealing with our break ups before looking to move on again.

You need to be of sounds mind and mentally & emotionally stable again, so not to toss your baggage into a new relationship.

[mhowe]

What does "balling" mean?

[bellezza11]

I have been to see a therapist when I was in my early twenties to deal with my childhood trauma and dealt with the loss & pain of having a narcissistic mother. I moved on and have children with a man who appeared normal and healthy who was at the same place in life and later was given a show of what domestic abuse is for a period of time and have sought help and am still working through things, but have gained a lot of what I lost back & more prospective on why, my choices, behavior, etc.

 

He did want to take care of me in a sense when I was younger, he hated seeing me hurt, in a bad situation, & knowing all about my childhood, but he encouraged me to go to college and pursue my dreams, and he really wanted to help with that. He asked me to move to New York with him once I had started enrolling and pursuing my career and wanted me to be able to go to school full time and further our relationship & actually be in a situation where we'd get to see each other & spend time together. I know he comes from a very happy & healthy background-his parents are both very nice people who are still deeply in love, he learned how to treat women from the way his dad loves his mother & watching their marriage, he and his mother are very close too, he and his dad have a good relationship & spend a lot of time together, he has an older sister that he loves & she has 2 kids whom he adores...

[bellezza11]

Balling is a slang term for rich. Dumb kid thing to say trying to be cool and hip, but he was only 23, so I don't hold it against him.

[bellezza11]

It's been almost 2 years since I spilt from my ex. Oh, I agree and really did not want to even begin a relationship with anyone for a long time and missed out some really cute & interesting dinner dates/men, because of such.

[tattoobunnie]

I broke up with my ex, called him names I don't remember, burned his photos! And 14 years later with no call, no email, nothing in between, he reaches out to me, and bam, still hot and sweet for each other.

 

We are happily married.

 

If you've worked out your insecurities, and both know what you want in life, what's to stop you from being happy for the rest of your life?

[bellezza11]

We didn't go to South Beach, because scheduling issues on my part. I agree and we try as much as we can to keep in touch. Oh no, he'd be staying a hotel and I'd be returning every evening to be with my kids; I wouldn't be comfortable with him in my house for a number of reasons, not because I have a bad feeling, but I've just learned to be more cautious in all aspects of life. I know I don't know him, especially now given all the time we've been separate and much has transpired for both of us during that time. I know he doesn't have a wife or a girlfriend; I'm very good at tracking people and made sure to check. He's all over the web, because of his family's business, his accomplishments, charity work, big contracts, etc and I've carefully reviewed it all and have search public records & checked all the social media accounts associated with his family, his business, his nonprofit groups, galas & events he attends, his private school that prints alumni newsletters listing marriages, engagements, births of children, and such... I think I didn't miss anything, but I've very certain there is no gf or wife, because he's a very public figure and so is his family and that would be very hard for him to hide.