Leaving husband to travel for 6 months

[Iggles]

Just a thought: If I had been planning a trip 2 years before I met my husband, the moment I realized we would be together for the long term I would've changed plans to better suit us both as much as possible.

 

The OP's whole situation sounds.. off.

 

She should have married someone equally adventurous. IMO, it's not normal to want to spend months on end traveling without your spouse. Clearly you two aren't approach life as a team. Traveling is something that can enhance your marriage, as you build new memories together.

[Man with Dog]

Just to be on the same page, OP WANTS her husband to join her, but he refuses to?

 

Because if she wants to go it alone, I personally, would be hurt, if I wasn't invited along this epic adventure.

 

If on the other hand, she invites him and he says no (I am not sure how convincing she was or what his financials/job/life looks like) well then i t's like DancingFool is saying...a compatibility issue.

 

If I could do it, I'd take a leave of absence and have the trip of a lifetime with my wife and grow much stronger together. My opinion is traveling with someone in some difficult situations can sometimes be a great forecaster for how the future will work out with the couple in the long run.

 

TBH, we haven't taken a vacation this year because my job is in jeopardy and we are paying a mortgage and got other commitments. Neither of us would consider losing the house for a trip and many employers do not like you taking additional unpaid time off, even if you can afford it. So, hypothetically, you could do a trip and come back jobless and homeless. Most people are simply not willing to take that risk.

[Man with Dog]

My question is....is that a realistic suggestion..thats why i asked about age type of job he has...etc...if my gf said im going to travel 6 plus months. come with me..i would ask if she is crazy..I cant just up and leave my job..I have a job that will probably take me into retirement and is not just a job to walk away from..its a very good job.

 

 

 

also some dont like it, some do....my parents love to travel..they waited..now we travel with them and they take mutiple trips each year to different places around the world...I believe they are going to spain or some where in November. we just went to mexico in JJuly

 

Quite frankly, I couldn't not work for 6 months and wonder how some people can manage it.

[SooSad33]

This is a difference between the two of you. NOT your fault.

Yes, he's a bit of a homebody.. yes, you like to travel etc. Yes, he knew of this.

 

Do as you've arranged. Don't feel guilt for it. But, yes It can as well cause a strain on your relationship, with how he is reacting, now.

The strength in your relationship is going to show.. or it's not. I guess time will tell. Either way you do this!

Same with jobs, etc. Do it for YOU. This is your life. You deserve what you've planned to do.

[figur]

You shouldn't give up on your dream to backpack alone. While my heart would ache if my partner wanted to travel alone, I also have those dreams, too. So I would acknowledge my pain, make a plan with him, and then let him do his thing. You need to have a less emotional discussion with your husband about why he feels so upset about your plans that he has known about. You may want to talk with a mediator/counselor.

 

However, I can definitely understand his not wanting you to leave for longer. Being upset about you leaving for 6 months is one thing, but my guess is what he's hearing from you (emotionally) now is "While I have considered your pain at my leaving, I'd like to leave for longer because I actually don't care about your feelings." Of course he's going to feel abandoned.

 

I don't think there's a perfectly clear way forward until you get down to the bottom of why he is so upset by a plan he's known about.

[itsallgrand]

I don't understand. Did he tell you all this time that he was fine and cool with you leaving for 6 months plus, and then suddenly change his tune when it is coming time for you to leave?

If so, then yes, I can understand why you'd be annoyed.

If not, and you have known his feelings all along, then no, I don't think it's reasonable for you to be.

 

If he is changing his tune at the last minute, I'd see that as manipulation.

If he has told you clearly how he feels, and you simply have told him that you are doing it, and that is where the conversation and understanding ended, then I would think that the two of you have some communication issues here at play.

 

I think it's not very reassuring nor does it build secure feelings with someone to say things like "I'm not good for you", "you knew all this going in, so, tough luck!". And I don't think it's a productive attitude if you do care about your relationship (now a marriage). You made choices also, like staying and marrying him, which means that you were signing up to do the work of talking things out and committing to your partner and caring about his needs too.

 

It's not up to me, nor anyone, to say how marriage best works for the two of you. But obviously, what you are doing right now isn't working! So time to open up to some different approaches and ideas possibly.

 

If going on this trip as you have planned it meant risking your marriage, which it might, are you still going to go? Are you prepared to potentially lose him?

 

It's all things to keep in mind. I know for me, I think something as huge as a 6 month leave around the world without the partner would be something I see as something for us to work out together. Not to sound harsh but, if what you are looking for infinite freedom without having to consider anothers needs and wants, then stay single. It almost seems a little bit here like wanting the cake and to eat it too. . best of both, single when you wants it, married when you want it.

[Ms Darcy]

He'll come and meet me for a month in the middle somewhere. I'm finishing my studies and have been planning this for over 5 years. He's known every since we've been together (3 years) that this will happen. Now the time has come for me to book flights etc. Now... he's upset, really upset that I'm leaving. I know I'm lucky to have someone miss me like this but...

Is it awful of me to be annoyed that he's now sobbing every night about it? He's known for 3 years that this is going to happen. I'd love him to come with me but he says he can't risk his job.

 

Am I awful for thinking he's being way too needy? Its getting tiring having him cry on me every night.

 

From what you say here it sounds like you had both agreed to the six months. And even then if he's meeting you for a month, then it's actually five months. If he agreed to it then crying every night about it is very unfair to you. And SCREAMS major attachment and/or abandonment issues.

 

But it is unfair of you to try to extend it. That's not taking the relationship or his feelings into account.

 

Going back to his abandonment issue, I think it's telling that he married a woman who said that she's not right for him. I get the sense that he's more into you than vice versa. And this relationship is just playing out his issues with his momma.

[journeynow]

The 6 months traveling is not necessarily an issue, but the attitude might be the bigger issue.

[SophieGrace]

Agree with JNow. Those whose responses imply the OP is somehow insensitive -- I don't think that's fair. She was planning this trip for two years before she even met him. She says she told him all about the trip and then continued to plan it for the following three years which they were together. He married her knowing she was taking this trip. Now he's making a big stink that she is going and trying to make her feel bad? Why is SHE is responsible for his abandonment issues? Why should she feel guilty for following her dream when he's known about it all along? I think it's unfair and manipulative. He isn't owning his own issues. There may be a compromise here somewhere, but I believe it has to start with a deep discussion of what is really going on between the two of them.

[Man with Dog]

It seems that there's a huge spectrum of opinion here and that is not such a bad thing. However, it may confuse you even more. There are some that would say a long trip away from a partner is a dealbreaker and they wouldn't accept it and there are others who think the husband shouldn't block OP's dreams. To be honest, I cannot give a definite yes/no answer and I feel even less like saying so now, having seen the replies.

 

However, I see some issues are quite clear:

 

1. You agreed to 6 months when you married. Whether this is "reasonable" or not is not for me to judge but that was the deal. To try and extend it more is unreasonable

2. Was this a "once off" thing before you took on major financial commitments and starting a family? If so, I think you should both agree to the 6 months. If you have an intention to take more but maybe shorter solo trips in future, this should really have been agreed before you married

3. I think most people would not like their partners to be away for 6 months. This doesn't mean they will actively try to prevent them or make them feel guilty but is not something that many people would like. Admittedly, it has been shorter than 6 months but I don't like being away from my wife but it's part of my job and part of her family situation and we have to live with it. I found it quite difficult when I've been the one at home. I don't have any family nearby and few friends, so it was a very lonely time for me. Many people are very heavily invested emotionally in their marriages and do not have much of a life outside the marriage. Those who have a close circle of friends and family with in a half hour journey are more able to cope with a temporary separation

4. Related to the above, one thing you need to work on is HOW the partner left at home will be able to mitigate the separation. It's obviously a big issue for the OP's husband

5. I see that daily contact while backpacking may not be possible but my wife and I phone every day while separated (long story but we can do it for free)

6. When there is a major difference of opinion on something like this, there's no easy way. Some would say the OP should either not go at all or go for a shorter period and others will say the husband should "grow a pair". I have a feeling that a middle course would not suit either of them

 

My conclusion is roughly along the lines of:

 

1. Go but don't extend beyond 6 months

2. Consider it a once-off trip not be be repeated

3. Help him plan activities while you are away to keep him busy and not be alone too much

 

Maybe if you cannot agree, you need to split. I don't advocate leaving a marriage lightly but if you cannot agree, it simply won't work.

 

Good luck.

[abitbroken]

 

1. You agreed to 6 months when you married. Whether this is "reasonable" or not is not for me to judge but that was the deal. To try and extend it more is unreasonable

 

We know he knew this when they met - but things change once you get serious, the reality of bills sets in. It is fine for a guy and woman to meet and she talks of this because she is single and fancy free, but once she is married, she cannot expect to carry out all of her single plans that she made that do not take obligations such as their mortgage or her relationship with her husband into account. if she promised herself she would backpack for 6 months when she was entering college - that would be her reward when she is done - its kind of stubborn for her to have 6 months as a must considering her new life that has changed. That is just my take. half a year is an awful long time if she is not doing it to research a project or won't be paid along the way and is just going to go.

 

I would calculate how much money she needs for the trip, spending AND emergency money on the trip, plus what she would need to replace the money she would be making and contributing to their joint account for bills if she had been working for 6 months.

 

I honestly would go away for a few weeks or a month and see how the marriage weathers it and to show husband that you really are coming back and then later on go for longer if you think its right.

[Man with Dog]

My guess is that the trip is a once-off before starting work and it may be possible, if the future work is in the academic world that the OP might not be able to start for a few months anyway. I think whatever the rest of us think, any agreement made before marriage should be honoured, unless something has fundamentally changed in the meantime. I think (hypothetically) if I'd been in the same situation of the OP or her partner, I may well have discussed a separate agenda before marriage but they didn't.

 

Again, both my wife and I would look into the financial implications of the trip before going but not everyone is as financially cautious as we are.

 

I'm not sure what the OP is doing, as she hasn't replied.

[Doc Blaze]

FYI..OP hasnt replied since her first post

[sara-pezzini]

hasn't replied and hasn't even come back to check the replies if you look at the last activity....maybe she is on her trip....

[journeynow]

hasn't replied and hasn't even come back to check the replies if you look at the last activity....maybe she is on her trip....

 

Or not open for discussion.

[Elelio]

Hi there, thanks for all your replies. I know I'm late in responding - but I have actually been away at a work conference. Some great advice, (and loads of it!) thank you.

 

I am always blown by the questions as to how I can afford to go away for 6 months though. It costs less than you think. I've budgeted £4000 including flights (Asia is cheap living). And my part of the mortgage and bills is £1800 for those 6 months (We have two lodgers). Really, I know people who've spent more than £6000 on a car or a kitchen. I've been saving for this trip for 3 years now, and I have a fairly well paid job. So really its not that bad! And no my husband is not footing the bill - are we living in the 1950s??

I can leave for 6 months as my contract has run out. I have a fairly specialist job so I know I can get another one fairly easily when I return. However, I can't do this every time my contract runs out, hence wanting to make use of this time.

 

Being in a marriage really hasn't changed life much at all - I don't see why marriage = not 'fancy free'. We don't have kids and don't plan to (We're in our late 30s).

 

Anyway, yes maybe we're not compatible, but it doesn't feel like that right now when we're together. It's simply this travelling thing for me. I would love it if he came with me as memories are important and I'd want him to be a part of that. But his job would be on the line if he left.

I am worried travelling will change me. But.. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.