Boyfriend's depression is ruining our relationship

[Elsewhere]

My boyfriend has several family issues that are consistently making him stressed and depressed.

 

So yesterday we had nice plans, but he showed up in a really bad mood and half way thru he decided he doesn't wanna do anything. He was acting as if we just had a major fight. He was irritated with me, didn't want to talk about anything, just had a blank stare into the air. For hours. I repetitively asked if hes mad at me, to which he said "no, why would i be mad at you". He used to be very affectionate, now I'm lucky if he agrees to hold my hand. No kisses, no sex for a while now.

I was convinced he wanted to break up with me.

 

How do I act? I want to be supportive and understanding but I don't want to set a precedent that he can treat me like garbage when he's feeling sad.

 

Yesterday was really bad. Normally my reaction would be to say "looks like you need some time alone" and leave. But he made it clear in the past that he has abandonment issues and even when we're fighting, leaving is worst thing I can do.

So basically I sit there with a person who's clearly angry/sad, doesn't pick up on any attempts at a conversation whatever the topic, doesn't look at me, doesn't speak to me.

 

We are planning to move in together and have a baby but if he is clinically depressed (how to tell?) I might need to reconsider

 

Anyone has experience on the matter?

[and so it goes]

If he won't do anything to change the situation, then the situation won't change. You need to reconsider your long term plans with him.

Encourage him to get counselling and/or see a doctor, after a certain time, if that doesn't occur then you should leave. Sorry to be blunt but....it's reality.

[Edmund Exley]

Based on everything you describe (lack of affection) I think you are doing yourself a disservice and allowing his undiagnosed depression become an excuse that you are enabling. If he cant bother to be diagnosed and treated, then why should you bother with acceptance. Don't become an enabler.

 

What you are describing is Borderline Personality Disorder. He needs to see a therapist to be diagnosed and treated. Even treated, life with someone with BPD is hell.

[lavenderdove]

>>We are planning to move in together and have a baby but if he is clinically depressed (how to tell?) I might need to reconsider

 

Oh, heck no, don't do it.

 

Depression is a biochemical issue BUT he needs to show you that he is willing to do something about it and get himself treated for it rather than just sitting around with a black cloud over his head and expecting you to tolerate it while he does nothing to help himself. I do not believe in being supportive and understanding when someone is doing nothing at all to help themselves. In fact, that is not being supportive, that is enabling him to continue in the depression and extend it.

 

So sit him down and tell him that you are concerned about him, and that he needs to go to the doctor and get medication and potentially talk therapy to help him snap out of this, because you don't intend to just sit there and watch him doing nothing to help himself. Offer to go to the doctor with him or set up appointments for him at the counselor/doctor and go with him there.

[agent1607307371]

I might need to reconsider

 

You definitely need to reconsider.

 

As someone who has been depressed and medicated for it, it's not an excuse to treat someone badly. It sounds like you try to treat him as he needs, but you are not getting the same level of reciprocity.

[SooSad33]

Have you tried to learn about depression? In order to try & support him?

If he is depressed, believe me, it's not like he wants to be like this. One does not choose to be depressed.

It can be a struggle at times.

Yes, when depression gets us down.. it can be a struggle to get back UP there. One ca be down for a few days. Does NOT mean he's hurt or anything to do with you...

 

This is why I suggest to look into ways to try & understand and do your best to support him.

Is he in therapy etc? or on med's for it?

 

But if you feel you can't handle this.. then you have to be honest with him...

[ParisPaulette]

Everyone has an issue or issues in life. Everyone, whether it's the person who had a bad childhood or the mom with cancer or the neighbor with depression. And everyone struggles with something sooner or later in their life. And yet the world does not grind to a halt while every person with any issue simply sits down and says, "I am going to mistreat those around me, because I have...fill in the blank." And that includes depression, which I have had. I didn't use it to mistreat others around me, I went and got it treated.

 

Let's look at this another way: let's say your BF has an abscessed tooth instead of depression. It causes him constant pain, he doesn't want to go out anywhere, he snaps at you and everyone around him all the time, he won't go to work because it's causing him agony and so on. You know he needs to go and get that treated. He knows he needs to go and get that treated. Everyone knows he needs to do so and yet he refuses. Would you really say, "Well, he acts the way he does, because he's got this abscessed tooth and I'm going to just have to put up with it I guess." I have a feeling you would not. Instead you'd say, 'This is ridiculous. You know this needs to be treated and you're refusing to treat it and if you won't get any help for it then I am out of here, because your refusal to get proper medical care for a known issue with your and your body is now damaging my ability to enjoy life, not just yours. Get that tooth pulled or I am gone."

 

And don't bring a baby into this. If you think he's a problem to be around now just wait until you and he are dealing with a crying child who needs constant attention. There will be no sitting by his side constantly silent while he decides to do or not do anything. If you do that and ignore your baby you'll end up with neglect charges and rightly so I might add. I'm sorry, but this is one of those times when you're going to have to tell someone they need to get that (fill in the illness/injury) fixed and that's that. You catering to his every whim is not going to handle his depression, it just enables him to continue treating you badly. And that's never okay, I don't care how horrible someone has it over whatever, we live in a society with a myriad of options but a person has to be willing to get up and go get some help. And you can't do that for him.

[Ms Darcy]

The worst thing you can do is have a child with him. The second worst is to move in. Pretty soon you guys will be miserable because you will have two kids to take care of. Not one.

 

Tell him he needs to get help or you will reconsider the relationship.