Strong attraction to someone else

[Gregarious]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just under two years and have been living together for more than half of that time. We are both 30 years old. In this time we have learned that he is an alcoholic and has severe anxiety and jealousy, stemming from insecurity issues. He initially started going to therapy one year ago after we would get in fights about his drinking (I rarely drink,) and therapy brought up issues in his past that involved sexual abuse. He's known for a while that alcohol was a problem for him but hasn't really done much to fix it. I deal with unwarranted jealousy regarding current situations but mostly my past, things that happened before I met him.

 

Through this all I've remained supportive, and have tried my best to be helpful and non-judgmental as he worked through things with his therapist, though it's really been wearing me down. But how affectionate he is and how much he loves me has helped me keep mostly afloat.

 

Two weeks ago he left to go on tour with his band. During this time I had planned to go on a motorcycle trip with some friends and when it turned out that I would need to crash in a room with some guys he freaked, even though I had made it clear that I had brought a sleeping pad and sleeping bag and would be on the floor that night. Well, two things happened on this trip; I realized I didn't miss my boyfriend, and I developed feelings for someone else in the group ride. Knowing that this was a sign that things weren't going well in my relationship I immediately started analyzing it, and ended up having an hour long convo with my boyfriend about how much his issues are really wearing me down, and how much his drinking affects me. He sent me an email in the morning that said he was going to go to AA when he got home and has never had anyone tell him that his drinking affected them (though I have many times.) He thanked me for telling him and admitted that his behavior was detrimental to both of us. He also admitted that his drinking was probably also impeding his progress with the therapist. I agreed and told him we'd try to work through this.

 

The problem is that my crush is consuming me. I'm worried that my boyfriend's efforts are too little too late. My crush has admitted that he likes me too, but is very respectful and knows that I'm "off limits" until I'm single. This man is everything I've been looking for, from what I can tell, and the first person I've been truly excited about in the last 10 years.

 

My gut is in knots and this is all giving me anxiety. To make matters worse, my bf and I had made plans to move out of state in 4 months so now I have a deadline to figure everything out. Any advice is much appreciated.

[Iggles]

My crush has admitted that he likes me too, but is very respectful and knows that I'm "off limits" until I'm single.

 

It's inappropriate to even have a discussion like that with someone you're interested in. You've already crossed a line here into budding relationship territory.. as you've jumped from mutual attraction to confessing feelings to one another.

 

To make matters worse, my bf and I had made plans to move out of state in 4 months so now I have a deadline to figure everything out. Any advice is much appreciated.

 

Do NOT move with your current boyfriend! You are already one foot out the door with designs on another guy. Couples who relocate should be rock solid and fully committed to building a life together for it to work out.

 

Leaving your current jobs, current apartment, AND moving away from your support system of friends and family is STRESSFUL even under the best of conditions.

[3Tears]

So you're emotionally cheating on your boyfriend...

 

You couldn't have caught feelings for a guy that you just met, its just infatuation, lust.

[Gregarious]

I've just sent an email to put an end to my emotional cheating. It kinda makes me wanna puke, but I need to work on my relationship first. Thanks.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, don't you think that perhaps this crush is simply your way of not dealing with you relationship? If you were happy in your relationship or at least emotionally invested in making it work would you really still have any feelings of infatuation or lust for this guy? Probably not. Also if your man gets wind of this then all you've done is proven him right in all of his fears and it will destroy him. So don't do anything and I'm glad you sent an email to the crush telling them you need to handle things with your current relationship.

 

Now, to the current relationship. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself and your boyfriend and his actions, not his words. He can promise going to AA until the cows come home, but I can tell you the fact that he's doing so, just so he doesn't lose you is not the reason he should be going. AA or any sort of rehab/detox from addictions really only work if the person themselves have decided, "I need to do this for me." The world is full of people who did addiction program after addiction program in an attempt to appease others about their addictions, but it never works because it isn't them who wants it. They are using it as a means to manipulate or hold on to others.

 

Plus my father was in AA sincerely and it still took two years of a very rough ride for the entire family before he finally got clean, got rid of all influences, got enough therapy under his belt to learn how to deal with life without a drink and to reform true attachments to his family. Two years in which the man prayed, read the Big Book almost obsessively, had his sponsors on speed dial and had all us gritting our teeth through family therapy. I'm not saying this to discourage you. I'm saying it to get you to realize it's not just as simple as "I'll quit drinking and go to AA, voila!" Plus the stress of moving away from everything you and he know coupled with trying to get jobs in an already tough economy is almost a surefire guarantee that things are going from bad to worse.

 

Please don't make that move. I think it would be a whole lot simpler if you told your boyfriend that it has indeed worn you down, that your feelings for him are nearly gone and you both need to go your separate ways. Tell him if he's going to do AA he needs to do that for himself, not you. And that you are not moving, because you do not want to lose what you already have here. And that he needs to be responsible for his own life, not you.

 

No one is going to hand out any prizes if you choose to stay in a relationship that is a bad one. And yes, it is a bad one. I winced just reading it. And now it's almost like you're looking or searching to find the very thing he's most afraid of to get him to leave you first. But that won't happen, because I see all manner of codependency and toxicity here. And this new guy? You don't know him at all. What if he turns out to be an alcoholic too or an addict or someone worse? What then?

 

Please break things off with your boyfriend. Let him go get clean or not on his own steam, because it's what he wants to do, and you go be single for a good long six months or more during which time you work on why you stayed with someone who was so jealous and controlling and had addictions problems they weren't handling. And in that time you tell this other guy to leave you alone. And then when you get ready to date, if you still want to date him, take the time to get to know him, really know him, good and bad. Because I can tell you having come out of an abusive relationship that you are all manner of vulnerable to the first attractive guy who treats you even halfway okay. And that's not a basis for a relationship and you can be trading one set of troubles for a far worse one.

[SooSad33]

" He also admitted that his drinking was probably also impeding his progress with the therapist."

- Well duh.. yeah, no kidding?

 

Right.. it may be all a little too late, now. What's done is done.. sadly.

 

Sure, this new 'crush' of yours seems GREAT! But, you also need to understand you are best to work on yourself a while BEFORE you jump into something again, so quickly.

You DO need to work on whatever damages have occurred between you & your bf, who looks to soon become your Ex...

 

It is NOT healthy to move on so fast after a BU. Work on getting better,emotionally & mentally again. A good few months 3-6?

 

When you are once again healthy in that sense then you'll be able to move on easier.

[Gregarious]

Thank you for your responses. ParisPaulette, yours actually made me let out an audible sigh.

 

My family has a history of addiction, one uncle with cocaine, one aunt with heroin, and another uncle a combination of things that led him to live on the side of my house for my whole childhood. It's something that I have never fully understood of course, but something that I've done my best to prevent it from happening to myself. I'll even stop watching a tv show if I find myself becoming addicted to it.

 

I'm honestly not convinced that I am ready to embark on what is really a lifelong struggle with addiction. I've tried to distance myself from it and instead found myself with an addict. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think I deserve better.

 

I've agreed to go to some therapy sessions with him and I'm also looking into AlAnon. I know I've been enabling for a long time and need the tools to stop. And hopefully decision making will be easier at that point.

[ParisPaulette]

Excellent news on both attending therapy sessions and on checking out Ala-Anon. These two things will help you tremendously and that's what you need to do, get yourself strong enough to deal with your life. Your boyfriend will either make it or not, but you are correct in that you need to learn how to stop enabling. And you are the on the road to doing that. Eyes on the prize there and don't let attraction to another right now sway you from that goal.

[capilot]

Sounds like your boyfriend was right to be anxious about your going on that trip.

 

But it also sounds like you want out of the relationship. I don't really blame you, but you need to make a choice: leave or stay. If the choice is stay, then no more road trips and sharing bedrooms with other men.