Girlfriend's best friend is a guy

[imtriguy2010]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 9 months now. Things have been going pretty well for us but there is one thing I'm having a hard time doing and that's connecting with her at a deeper level and I feel it's because of her best friend, which is a guy. They have known each other for over five years, have been very close and had even started a business together. They turn to each other for everything, good and bad. My issue is I feel that if things continue to go well in our relationship, over time, that should be me. She even told me a few months ago that she calls him first when there is something really good or bad that she wants to talk about. Because he is always there, I just don't see how I can that can become me. She is already getting that need fulfilled by someone else.

 

I'm not worried about them in a sexual way. My girlfriend is a 10/10 and no offense to him but he's probably a 3. She's told me before that he is about the opposite of what she is attracted to physically. I'm wondering if maybe he's lonely or what. I'm not sure. I tried showing his picture to a friend to see if she would be interested and she laughed and said no way! So I don't know how successful I will be in finding him a girl of his own.

 

Any thought on how I should handle this? I've tried being there for her in anyway I can. Not sure what else there is to do. The only thing I'm hoping for is that she and I are talking about moving and living together at the end of the year and this will hopefully make a little room for me.

[notalady]

Would you have been bothered by the fact that she shares good and bad news with her best friend before you if the best friend was a girl?

[CraigHowes]

She's with you because she wants to be with you, this is your issue and your insecurity and your issue to deal with.

 

My best mate is a girl and has been for the last 12 years. We meet up once a week to play pool and talk often. My girlfriend has no problem with it as she knows it's completely platonic and trusts me 100%

 

So your either going to have to accept the fact that she's best friends with a male or move on and find someone who's got a more insecure personality n not so independent as your current girlfriend.

 

The only time I would get suspect anything more from them is if she was staying out late with him all the time, being sketchy when talking about him and details etc. You generally get a vibe when foul play is at hand.

 

hope this helps.

[amipushy]

I dunno if this helps but it does remind me of you and how you feel.

 

link removed

 

You would be wise to truly listen and take his advice.

[imtriguy2010]

Honestly I can't say if it would bother me if it were a girl. I think it would but maybe not quite as much. I guess my question is, how do you get a full emotional connection with someone if there is already someone there for whatever she needs? Obviously that's a huge part of a relationship.

 

Craig Howes - For the record, I have no trust issues with her and this guy. I did at the beginning but have gotten over that once we talked about it.

[imtriguy2010]

amipushy - that may have been the best description of what I am feeling and I thank you for sharing that. It shows me that I have to completely change the way I see things. I have a lot of work to do!

[lostandhurt]

If they have never dated or anything then they are really just friends.

 

Everyone guy on this site knows this guy is friends with her because he secretly wants to be with her but settles for being her friend hoping that one day she will see him in a different light. Sure they may be great friends but he would love to be her boyfriend. Your gf has zero romantic feelings for this guy and zero physical attraction to him and as you say he is a 3. So if you were to pick a guy for your gf to be friends with wouldn't it be this guy? Try and see this from a positive side.

 

In time she will lean on you and not him but that takes time in all relationships. I bet one day you will be happy that she talks his ear off about some drama in her life while you are enjoying an ice cold beer watching the game.

 

Lost

[imtriguy2010]

Lost, you are exactly right with everything you said. They met on Match by him contacting her. She immediately had no interest in any kind of physical relationship and said I'll be friends but that's it. Of course he's hanging around so she may see him differently. It's hard to believe he's hung around for this long under those circumstances. He's seen her date many guys since most don't make it past a couple dates. Seems like torture to me. I guess that's even more of a reason to accept him.

 

I really have quite a bit of work to do. The responses I've received today have been the most eye opening I have received in a long time.

[Ms Darcy]

Trust me it would annoy the heck out of you if you were the first one she turns to in a every situation. Be glad that he is there. He is providing her the emotional outlet you both need for a healthy relationship to grow inbetween.

[j.man]

It's all about what you need. In the past, I had a girlfriend who was very close friends with an ex of hers, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. She had no qualms about treating me like her boyfriend in front of him. We'd all hang out together frequently. He never seemed to press her for her time or attention. He was very respectful of our relationship boundaries. I liked the guy while I was with her and still am friends with even since her and I had broken up.

 

On the other hand, not all guy friends are created equal. My current girlfriend has an ex-boyfriend who she's been in touch with for like 4 years after their relationship. Again, that itself doesn't bother me. What does bother me is him calling her things like "sweetie, cutie, gorgeous," etc. He also tells her he loves her. He also happens to still be single. It doesn't really bother me enough to make it an issue worth discussing with her, but of course I question his position and intentions in the way he speaks to my girlfriend.

 

Guys and gals being friends is a very tricky thing - certainly possible, but tricky. You have your needs and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not uncommon for significant others to require that the relationship contains both the dynamics of romantic partner AND best friend. How often do you hear, "I married my best friend?" If it's what you want, it's not unreasonable. That said, you're only in this 9 months so far. Taking over that "best friend" role can take a long, long time, and you have to think of it from her perspective. She has been friends with this guy for over 5 years. They've done a lot personally and professionally together. The moment she takes someone else on as that #1 go-to, that could change the dynamic of her other friendship for good. Is she gonna chance that on a guy she's been dating for less than a year?

 

If you are someone who needs to be that best friend, I'd probably ask her directly and briefly sometime, something like, "Babe, can I ask you something? I know you're really good friends with [so and so], and trust me, I'm glad you've got someone you can trust and go to like that, but I was just wondering... do you think in time, if you and I keep going strong, I can ever be the guy you go to first?" You're not telling her she can't continue to be great friends with him. You're not even hinting at it. What you'd be asking for is quite common and not something I'd consider unreasonable.

 

That said, there are people who do separate the roles of best friend and romantic partner. It's not at all a knock on you if she doesn't want you to take over the role this other guy fulfills. Most likely it'd be any other guy in the future who'd have to cope with that reality as well. But you've gotta ask yourself if you'd be cool with something like that. Not a lot of people would be. Communicate your needs and let us know how it goes.